Summary of Defense Closing Arguments
Some motherfuckers don't like Kirk Nurmi. Guess what? Nine days out of ten I don't like Kirk Nurmi. I don't like Martinez. I don't like wearing a tie. I don't like how Wilmott's shampoo smells. You know what I do like? CASH. $250 an hour. I named my first sailboat Hung Jury and I'm calling the next one Mistrial once you fine folks do your job.
So don't be afraid! Don't hesitate to get creative in there when you deliberate. Let your freak flag fly! I'm talking about magical thinking. Ever heard of The Arizona Triangle? A zone between Tijauna, Albuquerque, and Salt Lake where batteries, phones, and gas stations go wild. Don't be afraid to be an individual and hang this jury. The truth is out there. And I mean OUT THERE.
Let me talk about the clowns on the other side of the courtroom. "Detective" Flores, and I use that term loosely. Has this guy retired from detective work? Jodi called HIM and left him a camera full of pictures in the washing machine. He thinks he cracked the case on his own. He's taken vacation the last 6 months to sit next to Napoleon with a blank look on his face. Flores, buddy, how many fingers am I holding up? Nope, one finger. Flores you had one important thing to remember, about what wound came first, and you mixed it up. You know why? Cause nobody knows, not even the doctor.
And The Prosecutor (pause for sarcastic applause). I've gone on Priceline and booked you for a week at Laviolette's anger management ranch. Softball, therapy, quiet time, it's gonna be great. Try not to throw any pens or cameras while you're there, ok? You'll come back a bigger man. One last FYI - a gas can is not a murder weapon. Unless you bore someone to death by talking about it every day.
And, I'm sure y'all know, you vibed it off my body language, I don't have much time for Jodi. We used to be friends, we were pretty tight, but then she fired me and replaced me with herself. Then she begged me to come back. Breakup - makeup. It's tough when your client has a higher IQ than you do and won't let you forget it. I felt shame, for real. Stressed out and losing weight.
To compensate I bought this massive fucking watch. Let me have a look at this fine timepiece and see what time it is - oh yeah, it's sex tape o'clock! We're gonna go with a greatest hits package here... I'll just let this play while I walk out of the courtroom... into the sunset...
