Jill MabliBank of America Is the Worst Bank
October 29, 2010 ?
Dear Bank of America,
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Jill Mabli I have received your letter stating that you would like me to send you $336. In the interest of courtesy, I have decided to respond, so as to ensure that there are no unpleasant misunderstandings between us.
I am as likely to send you $336 as I am to poke myself repeatedly in the eye with a fork while reciting lines from Fiddler on the Roof and dancing the Merengue. It could happen, but it probably won't. I want to be clear that this is because I hate you. Not the tame sort of hate normally reserved for members of Germany's Third Reich or the Dread Minions of Satan on Earth, but rather a stronger and more heartfelt hate. I have checked, and Santa and puppies also hate you. Kindly forest faeries drop dead at the mere mention of your name. In some cultures, merely referring to you is cause for hanging.
I hope you step in gum while your dog is at home peeing on your rug. I hope you get fleas. I would rather gnaw my own arm off than give another dime to you shady, unethical, condescending rattlesnakes. I hope your Enron-esque accounting methods serve you well as you rot in the pits of hell and your children spit on you. You are crooked, slimy, have the morals of a crack whore, and should be shunned by all human society.
Please feel free to continue sending me letters. Sometimes I just spit on them then recycle them, having discovered that my friends get annoyed when I replace the toilet paper with them. Other times, I draw a little happy face on them, then make them say in a squeaky high voice "Hi! I'm Bank of America" before I brutally stab them to death, using a serrated blade to shred the edges of the wound. Or you can save a stamp and use the money to further your hobbies and interests, like hiding the canes of blind people, biting the heads off kittens, or letting the air out of the wheelchair tires of the elderly.
I refuse to deal with unethical businesses, despite the inconvenience this policy sometimes causes me. You will never, NEVER get another dime out of me, besides the $2.00 I am sending in pennies in a jar of honey. May you burn in the deepest, darkest pits of Hell.
Sincerely,
Jill Mabli