Nurmi: Travis, so after you and Ms. Arias had relations in the office, what happened?
Travis: Yeah, we had sex (again!) in my office because that nympho wanted more attention and I thought it would make her leave. I was done quick and she washed up in the bathroom. She took a check for $200 out of her purse. I put it on my desk and carried her luggage out to her car. I figured she was gone so I went upstairs to shave my presidential beard. Next thing I know, there's Jodi in my bathroom with the camera and her purse. I thought she was gone already!
Nurmi: So how did you feel Mr. Alexander?
Travis: Pissed off. I can't get rid of this woman. I have stuff to do. An important call. A trip to Mexico. Organizing my pristine closet.
Nurmi: And what happens next?
Travis: She starts talking about taking shower photos. Just to put on her stupid Myspace. She could never get enough of Myspace and posting photos. I figured the easiest way to get rid of her was to play along. I got in the shower and started to show off. I was worried she was going to blackmail me with these on ldslinkup.net and I felt trapped into doing it. That's when she started back on the Mexico trip.
Nurmi: Mexico? You mean your PPL trip to Cancun for two?
Travis: That's the one. Jodi starts talking about how she read my text messages and she knows that I'm not taking that babysitter. I was really taking Mimi, I was hoping I could break her down on the trip with my motivational speaking and slip it into that uptight Mormon backdoor. But now my cover was blown. And Jodi's taking pictures and saying she knows I'm a liar, I'm busted, and I'm just like, bitch please! Just GTFO!
Nurmi: I'd like to enter exhibit 69, the "bitch please!" photo.
Judge: Exhibit 69 is admitted.
Nurmi: So Jodi was confronting you. What did she do?
Travis: Jodi tells me
Martinez: Objection! Hearsay!
Judge: Overruled
Travis: So, Jodi says that if I don't take her to Mexico and marry her on the beach in front of everyone from Prepaid Legal, that I will lose her forever. If I take Mimi to Cancun, Jodi threatened to drive to Utah right now to fuck Ryan Burns until his dick falls off. That sounded great so I sat down, right there in my own fucking shower. Just to process this and chill. I looked up and I said have a good time in West Jordan! I could taste freedom, she was about to bounce. Jodi was now some other man's problem. Better him than me.
Nurmi: And then what?
Travis: I'm sitting in the shower, arms on my knees, looking down and shaking my head, like WTF is wrong with her? Next thin I know I felt a crushing pain in my chest and Jodi was on me like a spider monkey.
Nurmi: A spider monkey? What do you mean by spider monkey? Can you get up and demonstrate to us what you mean by spider monkey?
Travis: I would love to, but I'm dead. Anyway, she stabs me right in the heart with a chef's knife I won for being Arizona salesman of the year. I used that knife to make brownies for the Mormon bake sale. She's screaming "fucking kill you, you cheating bitch!" and stabbing again and again. I struggle to my feet and she is riding on my back, stabbing away as I wobble to the sink, now I realize I'm spitting up blood. This just got real.
Nurmi: How were you feeling at this moment?
Travis: Terrified. I was shaking like a chihuahua and the knife was bouncing off my skull. The lights were starting to dim but I saw daylight at the end of the hall. If I could just get down the stairs and into the street, someone would see me and get me to a hospital.
Nurmi: What do you remember next?
Travis: Well, my memory starts to get foggy. There is a huge gap. I was losing blood and the adrenaline was flowing. It was fight or flight. I'm crawling down the hallway bleeding, and she catches up to me at the end. She flips me onto my back and I can feel the carpet under my head. I almost made it. And then she slit my throat. I bled out all over the carpet.
Nurmi: What did that feel like?
Travis: I wasn't feeling too much right then, it was just like the sun setting. I was trying to remember good things and pray for forgiveness and mercy. I was just asking God for help and protection.
Nurmi: And then?
Travis: Jodi dragged me back into the bathroom on a bed sheet and shot me in the head with the gun she stole from her grandmother.
Nrumi: So self defense, were you defending yourself?
Travis: I never had a chance. Even if I wanted to defend myself I was trapped in the shower all naked and wet and the first stab pretty much was enough to kill me. I held up my hands and she stabbed my hands. I turned my back and she stabbed my back. It was even more symbolic, to use one of Jodi's favorite ideas, that she stabbed me in the heart since she had been trying to rip it out since the day I met her.
Judge: Jodi is crying again! RECESS!
