You need to talk to that Babysitter. She knows more about what is going on there when you aren't around. But approach with caution.
You need to talk to that Babysitter. She knows more about what is going on there when you aren't around. But approach with caution.
Originally Posted by Nic B
You can take those Fleets and shove them up your ass
When we were yelling at each other I really wanted to tell him what the babysitter was telling me (about her clothes smelling terrible) but at the same time, I didn't want to put the babysitter in a tough spot. But I think you're right.
I just don't understand why he would immediately decide that the bathroom was a good place. He tried to tell me that the reason she wasn't in her room instead (which would have made a little more sense) was because she would stress about throwing up on the carpet and have to maneuver her way to the bathroom if she was sick in the middle of the night. What about a bucket, large bowl, trashcan?? Hello?? It's not rocket science. And his whole purpose of putting her in there (where she slept overnight, btw) is that she is contagious and the rest of them can't get sick. I told him that was the most selfish bullshit I've ever heard and if he was concerned about getting sick he should have asked me if I could take her and if I get sick, that's my problem. Because unlike him, I'd rather make my child comfortable and take that risk. And I am her MOTHER, which he seems to wish he could forget.
Ugh. I'm still mad this morning.
Yeah. The bathroom thing does confuse me.
DEFINITELY don't say anything about the babysitter to him! That does put her in a bad spot and she'll be reluctant to tell you anything ever again. The thing about her is that she may be concerned too. She cares about the kids more than she does him.
IF you ever have to fight for parental rights, you want her on your team. If you're very concerned, I would approach her, but gently. And maybe ask if there is anything you should be concerned about happening that you may not know about. That you wish you could be there yourself to keep an eye out, but that he makes it difficult to do that. That you're just worried because you love your kids. And that you would not ever put her in a bad spot, that what she says will never get back to him. You're just concerned after the bathroom episode.
See, to me mentioning the smelly clothes to you was her trying to subtly hint to you that she doesn't agree with everything he does with them. It may have been her way to casually clue you in.
You can take those Fleets and shove them up your ass
to play the devil's advocate though, when i'm sick, i get smelly as fuck because it's really not comforting for me at all to put the effort into taking a shower, drying off, freezing while i am naked and wet. i tend to lay around and sleep until i'm feeling a bit better and then super wash everything that surrounded me during my illness.
also, did you talk to the kiddo about how she felt about being in the bathroom? as a kid, i jumped at the opportunity to sleep in the most uncomfortable places just because it was different than my bed. i routinely slept in my closet and under tables in various rooms. i also remember taking a sleeping bag and a pillow into the bathtub once.
about the toys and punishment, i'm not sure taking away a kids toy or threatening to throw them away amounts to abuse. people have different styles of parenting and unfortunately, you guys are co-parenting which makes it that much more likely that you will disagree on how it should be done. also, kids tend to exaggerate, much more so, i would imagine, when in a situation where they are allowed to manipulate a good parent/bad parent/who's going to give me the attention i prefer situation.
I never used the word abuse. Because I can't claim abuse as I have no proof of that. I simply think they are being assholes. The bathroom scenario is literally the first thing that rubbed me so wrong that I actually spoke up and was like "Wait, wtf?" because I hate conflict, and I would rather not fight with anyone if I don't have to. I don't think that the toy, or even the bathroom thing equals abuse...if I thought my kids were being abused, I'd be in jail for beating someone's ass. And I totally get where you are coming from on the smelly factor of being sick, because those two things DO go hand in hand. She never told me what they smelled like, but if N was puking, I'm wondering if that was the smell? I don't know, I guess I can't really give details about that, because I don't know. I don't know how long the babysitter was with her before I got there, but I'm thinking that if he was checking on her as regularly as he says he was, if he was loving on her AT ALL he would have noticed that babygirl needed a bath and some fresh jammies.
See, and I agree with this. It was the facial expressions she made while discussing it. And not only did she bathe her and put her in fresh clothes, she put the old clothes in the wash because they were gross. I even brought up the fact that I wish I could have taken her for the day so that she didn't have to be in the bathroom all day long by herself, and she said "As soon as I got here, I opened the door and I've been hanging out with her." Babysitter has more compassion than her father and that is just sad.
I will get more parental rights down the road, absolutely. Right now, my environment and work situation is not stable enough to have them even jointly. I'm unemployed, I live with my mother, and I don't have a car. If there were ever a time that I am busting my ass trying to fix my situation, it would be now, and I am doing just that. First order of business is job, then car, then place of my own, and then I will have the means to be able to fight to have them jointly again. And believe me, I will.
if you aren't saying it's abuse, i'm not sure what you want to file a complaint about and why you would be worried about them ending up in care if you did file one.
since it sounds like you aren't worried he or she is abusing them (or maybe you are, i can't tell) it seems to me, and you know i love you, but you seem a bit upset about your custody situation and are looking for reasons fault him.
I don't get the impression that UN thinks there's abuse going on. Just that he may not be doing everything that he could be doing. I get the impression that she's upset with the custody situation and because she isn't stable enough to fight for more, feels powerless against him since he calls all the shots. In a healthy ex situation, he'd let her voice what might be a better way of doing things and try to implement them. But in this case, the fact that he does something like blame the kids for his divorce paints a picture of what kind of parent he is.
Kids are supposed to come first. Blaming them for your divorce isn't putting them first. Physical abuse? Probably not. Lack of interest, not being emotionally supportive and not all that great in filling the Mom role... Yeah. Sounds like it from what UN is saying.
You can take those Fleets and shove them up your ass
but... a healthy ex situation? what is that? especially when dealing with custody... this is not uncommon when one person has sole custody, to assume they know better than the other parent because they are the ones who the court awarded custody to.
what i don't get is filing a complaint because he didn't do everything that he could be doing. he could take the week off and sit by her side, mopping the sweat off her brow and feeding her ice cream whenever she asks, but it sounds like this is probably just a run of the mill childhood sickness that actually requires little more than rest and oj.
un obviously loves her kids and wishes she could be there more to do things like love on her kids while they are sick, but that has nothing to do with whether the father is taking care of her in a responsible manner.
my mom nearly divorced several times while my brothers and sister were growing up because combining families is hard as fuck. her kids didn't want to share rooms with his kids, his kids didn't want to take orders from her, he blamed her kids for everything that went wrong around the house from holes in the walls to spills on the carpet to video game systems that go missing... i don't think it is a sign of emotional abuse that in an argument with your ex you claim that they will be the reason for your divorce.
if un is trying to make sure she putting the kids first, she has to first look at whether she can provide a more stable environment than he can. love is great, but does it superseded all of their other needs?
Let me clarify, when I get emotional I can't think right, and therefore nothing comes out right. I don't think there is physical abuse. Psychological abuse? That's another story, but psychological abuse is hard to prove. Some examples, my son, J, for the past month cries when he has to go home. And I know that it could very well be that he likes to spend time with me and doesn't want it to end, so this isn't a great example, but when I do finally calm him down he is asking who is gonna be there. Is dad gonna be there? Is other mom gonna be there? If I say yes to either of those he is upset. If babysitter or someone else is going to be there, he's fine about going home. He doesn't want to be there. And he used to tell me stuff that went on over there in the past but he got into trouble for telling me and he was told that HE is causing trouble when he tells me things, so he doesn't tell me anything anymore. He's asked me before if I thought he was a coward, because someone at home called him that. There is definite name calling, and spirit breaking going on in that house. Some of it may be that I just disagree with the way that things are done, absolutely, but I feel with every fiber of my being, that there is definitely psychological fuckery going on there and I don't like it.
The custody thing has been in place for 2 years now. I'm way past the point of not liking it and wanting to fault him. The way I feel is that he is failing my children and doing whatever she tells him to do regarding them to keep her happy and out of his ass regardless of how it makes his own children feel and I'm fucking tired of it. (PS, I love you too!)
HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. I'm sorry but if I had a significant other who threatened to leave me every time my kids did something that wasn't ok (they are kids, kids get into trouble...) I would show them the door and kick them in the ass on the way out. I would say probably 90% of the bullshit that he calls me about regarding the kids being naughty is petty, trivial shit that isn't that big of a fucking deal. I'll even go as far as to say that maybe you take away a favorite toy or 2 for a week, but to take EVERY LAST TOY away for being naughty once? Fuck that. That is you being an asshole and wanting to exert control over a 6 and 8 year old and it's disgusting.
And you could not have been more right about being powerless. Literally any time something like this comes up (and the last time I questioned him about anything it was because my son was having nightmares about his wife and had told me that she pulled his hair) that I question because I don't like the sound of it he immediately goes to "I'm the custodial parent and I make all the rules, and you can talk and talk but I have the final say" and "Well, maybe I don't approve to have your mom be the supervisor (in my supervised visits) since she wants to get involved so maybe you will need to start having your visits at our place or not at all." Arguing with him leaves me in tears every single time because there is nothing I can do and he makes sure to point that out. He never tells me anything about what is going on with the kids. I never know when they are sick and usually find out after the fact, I never know what's going on with them in school except for what they tell me...he doesn't tell me anything. Ever. It's literally like he is trying to get me out of the picture entirely, and treats me as though I am the step parent.
Ok, bolded point number 1-It has nothing to do with him not nurturing her as I would. It has to do with her laying on the bathroom floor next to the toilet with the light off and the door shut for 24 hours. She's got a bedroom, there's no reason for that kind of stupidity.
Number 2-Combining families is hard...I remember it as a child, and I agree. Saying to ME that the kids are ruining his marriage is one thing. Telling MY CHILDREN that if they are naughty then their other mommy is going to leave is fucked up and just not right, and I have had MANY talks with both of my kids about this. They are absolutely being told that if other mommy leaves, they are to blame and it breaks their little hearts.
Number 3-Love doesn't supercede stability and the ability to provide for all their other needs. I know this and this is why I haven't tried to get more parental rights.
I don't even have to have had kids to see how much this would hurt a Parent. If anything, he's obviously using the kids as a weapon against you and it always makes me sick to see that happen. I'm SO sorry
Work toward creating stability so you can get them back in to your life on your terms. But in the meantime remember that your kids have a mind of their own. They aren't stupid. And they'll eventually resent him if he's doing them emotional harm or purposefully keeping them from you.
You can take those Fleets and shove them up your ass
This helps me a lot to see because I always worry that they are wondering why I'm not doing something about them being unhappy where they are. But like you said, I am working on it...I won't stop until I achieve what I need to!I don't even have to have had kids to see how much this would hurt a Parent. If anything, he's obviously using the kids as a weapon against you and it always makes me sick to see that happen. I'm SO sorry
Work toward creating stability so you can get them back in to your life on your terms. But in the meantime remember that your kids have a mind of their own. They aren't stupid. And they'll eventually resent him if he's doing them emotional harm or purposefully keeping them from you.
you may want to contact the courts and ask them to have a private psych consultation with your kids separately if you believe they are being emotionally abused.
again, i'm still not sure if you are saying that you think they are being abused or not.
I can totally understand chilling in the bathroom. If it was just vomiting, yeah, I'd go for the trashcan in the bedroom. But the diarrhea? Ugh, when I'm nauseous I just want to be perfectly still and somewhere nice and cool and dim. And hurrying to the toilet to poop means moving, and moving means by the time you get to the bathroom it's going to be coming out of both ends. Sorry, gross visual.
If your daughter was still in the bathroom when the babysitter was there, it kind of sounds like your she may have felt more comfortable there (as opposed to her bedroom). The babysitter sounds compassionate, surely she wouldn't insist that your daughter stay there.
But the stinky clothes, that sucks. And your ex sounds like a dick.
I am going to back animosity.
Just because your kid slept on the bathroom floor doesn't mean your ex made her.
I spent many sick nights like that. I'd rather be alone.
I'd talk to my kid before going off. you don't want to pick a battle and end up more restricted
I'm totally like that as well...I'd rather no one talk to me and just leave me in my room to die. But he DID make her stay there and he told me that they make all the kids do it in order to separate them from the rest of the family so they don't get sick. And I do see the point you both are trying to make, and situations like this totally prove that I react emotionally to every situation. Not so much the situation with him, because if something rubs me wrong (as this did) I have the right as their mother to ask about it, which is how I approached the subject in the first place. I would rather snuggle/love/cater to my kids when they are sick whether that means I will get sick or not...and that's what I mean about reacting emotionally.
I really appreciate all the input!
It's really fucking frustrating to be the only one in my workplace with a functioning fucking brain.
What now.
They put me in charge of getting our company ISO accredited (while still trying to maintain success in my current position), and it's a fucking nightmare. I've written about a million processes and procedures that no one can be bothered to read and/or fucking follow, which leads to MORE work for me by having to write corrective actions when they don't follow my already written procedures.
FOLLOW THE FUCKING PROCEDURE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE FOR THE FUCK OF FUCK'S SAKE.
Bump for ang?
HA! I am our ISO lady. Just went through it again, and we good. THANK HELL. But yeah, general lack of reading.. logic... following the PROCESSES kills me.They put me in charge of getting our company ISO accredited (while still trying to maintain success in my current position), and it's a fucking nightmare. I've written about a million processes and procedures that no one can be bothered to read and/or fucking follow, which leads to MORE work for me by having to write corrective actions when they don't follow my already written procedures.
FOLLOW THE FUCKING PROCEDURE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE FOR THE FUCK OF FUCK'S SAKE.
-------
Also when anyone can google anything at anytime, but instead ask for info to be found for them.
So, things were going great with my ex/roommate that I have lived with since January, and we were back together after she told me she loved me and wanted to be with me again and such. Well, she got kind of distant the last week or so, and I just chalked it up to her starting a new anti-depressant. Well, Saturday she got drunk and slept with another ex and now wants to be with him and is being a total and complete bitch for no reason. I do everything for his girl, financially and anything else she ever asks of me. I feel like she lied to me for the last few weeks about her feelings for me, but can't understand why she would do so. I've never felt about a girl like I feel about her, but I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not trying to be harsh but I'm not sure how else to say it. It sounds like she's just using you. She keeps giving you just enough to keep you hooked. Girls act like this when they think they have you wrapped around their finger. She's acting like a bitch because it makes her feel justified for her actions (AKA cheating) If you don't snip this in the bud right now she's gonna keep you on the endless cycle of "come here.....no go away....come here....go away"
IMO- the best thing I can tell you for your own sanity- tell her to get her shit and get out.
Agree with Berm. Life is too short to waste your time with people who treat you like shit, especially when there's Women out there that won't.
You can take those Fleets and shove them up your ass
Dude, you sound like my father talking about my mother, he's 63 and is one hamburger away from a heart attack. Cut the relationship off NOW before divorce is WAY too late.
Gooble goble gooble goble one of us one of us. t(-_-)t
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