Sean, the worst day of my life was 5-10-2016 when Teresa Cook from USC student affaris told me you gone. My life will never, ever be the same. Some say I'm brave, courageous to go online to talk about what happened. To do the interviews I have done regarding you and what happened. Something is driving me to keep going for now. I've done what no mother should have to do, so many times since your death, from cleaning out your apartment, to picking out flowers and planning your funeral. I don't know where I had the strength to do these things, but it was not because I am strong. I am SO not strong, not as far as this goes. I did it out of love for you and wanted it done right. I am so tired of hearing how strong I am I not.
Sean, I plan to tell the world how wonderful you were. The kind of person you were compassionate, loving, sweet, honest, and caring. It's so hard to believe that someone so good as you would take your own life. I see all these people on the news that are killing people, mistreating people, stealing from people. Then I wonder why you? Why? I just can't comprehend how someone so good can leave this earth so soon. Then I question my faith in God. Why would he let you do this but he leaves murders, child molesters, drug dealer here on earth.
I hope to write about you online as much as I can. I have all your Facebook pics and some pics that you had on your laptop. I have joined a support group for people who have lost someone to suicide.
Somehow, I'm hoping that if I keep talking about you online, that no one would forget you. I cannot bear the thought of people forgetting about you and that you lived. I hate seeing that no one post on your facebook anymore.
The last few days have been extremely hard on me. First I went to the bank to inform them that you had died death certificate in hand. Then they inform me that I had to close out some accounts. Only to open new accounts all over again. Then the next day it was off to the lawyers office to get my trust and Russell's trust changed. As you were to receive everything of mine plus some of Russell's. Every time I have to do one of these things it's like ripping off a band aid off a cut. Over and over again how is a cut so deep supposed to heal if you have to keep ripping of a band aid.
Today I went to see my favorite doctor, Dr. Dalhouin she is one of the most compassionate doctor's I have ever had in my life. I just pray the medical field doesn't eat her up and spit her out. She always gives me a hug but today she hugged me just a little bit tighter. I was to only have the standard 15 minute visit but she talked to me for a hour. We talked about you, how much this happens with med. students and physicians. She said I need to do what I can to not let this happen to some other child/parent. She asked me if I am taking all my meds. Was I sleeping and if I was trying to take care of myself. I said I take my antidepressants, I now have sleeping pills to sleep. I told her how the rest of my meds. I don't take them all that often. She asked me why not? I told her I don't care about the rest of the stuff. If I should die I die if not I'm only living 20 yrs. more. As you know Russell is 10 yrs older than me. He has always told me he will die before me. If that is true I said well that would more than likely be in 20 yrs. from now. Russell will be 86 then and I will be 76 yrs. old that was old enough for me. I told her if something happens to Russell before then I will be joining you both soon after. She told me I need to try calming things to lower my blood pressure and heart rate. Remember how you used to tell me mom how can you with so much crap wrong with you can you have low blood pressure. Well I guess that isn't the case anymore I've gone from very low blood pressure to moderately elevated blood pressure. I guess I better start exercising and you know how much I love to exercise.