A Letter To Justin And Others



I can not comprehend it. This is the problem I have with your death. I realize that you stated in your final words that you had been wanting to do this for years. But at 14? I suppose you had reached the age of reason. And you saw in me someone who would prevent you from accomplishing your goal. So I forgive you from keeping this secret from me. Yes I forgive you. To an extent. No, based upon your circumstances I forgive you one thousand percent. That is what hurts so much. That the one person, your father, whom could have saved you choose not to. Because he wanted the "perfect son". I did not. I wanted an IMPERFECT son. I wanted someone who is like me. Flawed. Imperfect. Just like the rest of the human race. But a son who could see his flaws, like me. I remember reading a quote "An intellectual is someone who's mind watches itself." That is what I was trying so hard to instill in you. And yet your father, in his quest for perfection, denied you this ability. And so you yourself tried to deny it. Yet you had no choice. We are ALL imperfect. The harder he tried to make you perfect, the further he drove you to insanity. My poor child.



Those last two summers, I helped take care of you. I was responsible for your well being. And perhaps it was during this period that you finally made that decision to end your existence. Do I blame myself? Not anymore. As you said, this thought had been percolating in the depths of your psyche for so long it was your friend. A long denied, yet comforting friend. When I discovered this evil little friend of yours, I sought to battle him. But in all the wrong ways. Like any Freudian psychologist would I sought to present to you in a logical fashion all the wonderful reasons you had to live. Yet this little friend was insidious. He was not a friend of logic. He was a friend of madness. At least, that is what they would have labeled him years ago. Now that we are finally able to get just the smallest glimpse of the chemical makeup that comprises human psyche we suddenly start to understand. That little friend of death; he was not some minion of Satan. He was not some overwhelming urge to purge the gene pool of those not fit to survive. No Justin, that little friend was a biochemical imbalance. As simple as that. As simple as those genes that reproduce at an exponential rate, so quickly and so fast that they eventually lead to death. Those biochemical imbalances we give the broad term "cancer". "Cancer". It is such an oft used diagnoses. Yet it encompasses thousands of different expressions of a cellular reproduction process gone wrong. It seems rare that you find two types of cancer that are absolutely identical.



You know my boy, what I find to be the strangest thing? The more I contemplate your death the more I search for a logical belief in a theistic world view. You may not have understood it during your life, for your years were brief, but perhaps in death you can. The atheistic view is so illogical. It is held by those who simply reject life. They who are so angry with the circumstances of their existence that they cannot accept any possibility that there is some design or purpose to our existence. I pity them. I was an atheist. For about 2 weeks. It did not hold. But deism, that is a concept that the logical and rational human mind seems to be able to comprehend. God created the universe. God set it all in motion. Then God went off somewhere else to entertain himself. It is so logical because it describes our own rational thought processes so similarly. Especially in this day and age. We are so easily bored. Our attention span that of a gnat. But therein lies the great mistake. To assume that a mind based on biological existence, an existence whose sole purpose is to survive and reproduce, could ever understand the mind of God. I remember when you told me "God won't answer my prayers, and so I don't believe in god." I remember that oh so cliché answer I gave you "God answers all prays, but sometimes the answer is no." Oh, trust me my boy I have tried to curse God. I really have. In my moments of utter despair I have sought to curse the maker of this existence we all share for allowing something so horrible and terrible to come to pass. But Justin, it rings so hollow. And this from a man who has seen the evil of "the church". A man who was witnessed and read of all the heresy that has been committed in the name of God. Oh, it would be so easy to curse the creator, shut my heart, and be on with my life.



But the easy path is denied me. Why? I am no more special than any other human who has ever walked the face of the earth. Is this just some delusion of grandeur that all men face when they are confronted with such an incredible amount of grief? I do not know. I do know that something propels me to seek reason in your death. Something "commands" me. Is it Jesus Christ? I seriously doubt that. Not that I would give offense to those whom have chosen this human as the means of their salvation. It is just that I cannot accept that a "Man", such as myself, could ever truly understand the will of the divine creator. But such is the nature of religion. Our never ending quest to understand the mind of God. And how else can we accomplish this goal of understanding such a supreme consciousness than through the eyes and thoughts of another man. But I cannot accept that. I cannot accept that. The mind and will of a theistic God, should he exist, is so beyond the comprehension of mortal man that I can never accept another human beings interpretation of that which is incomprehensible as the truth.



They say all men try to live their lives vicariously through children. Yes, I had seen a possibility in you. But it was not through theology. It was not through philosophy. It was through mathematics. We spoke so often of how the subject of math seemed so foreign to my mind. And yet how it seemed to come so easily and quickly to yours. When we watched those PBS specials about quantum mechanics, and string theory. I remember how easily and quickly you were able to accept those theories as truth, whereas I required so much time and contemplation to understand them.



Yet, your mind was not focused on these subjects. You did not spend your days contemplating the mathematical equation that would render the meaning of the universe comprehensible to the rest of us. You spent your days focused on humor. On laughter. On realizing how absurd the human condition was. I saw this as the balance that was needed for a mere human being to encompass the hard unyielding facts of science with the metaphysical and bring enlightenment to the rest of us. Oh how I wish I could have had the time to show you that we humans were to be pitied and loved for our faults, rather than despised and reviled.



It was not meant to be. And this sentiment comes not from a theistic or non-theistic point of reference. It comes not from Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed or others. It comes from the sheer knowledge that existence is impermanence. Entropy is the only true constant in our short lives. In fact, entropy is the only natural law of the universe that it seems the greatest scientists of our age can define for certain.



Yet I choose to live vicariously through you. In my heart of hearts, I saw that perhaps you would be the one to explain it to the rest of us. Or if failing that, you would be the one who would father the man or woman who would overcome such an incredible obstacle. I remember telling you that. And I remember you saying, over and over again one night - "I saw it, just for a minute. I saw it, everything. I understood everything. It was so clear"



I tried to get you to expand on this. You could not. Did you really see it Justin? Or was it just a delusion of grandeur that I had placed in your mind. I suppose none of us will ever know.



Justin, I must tell you and all who listen one of my greatest regrets. I never told you in plain and simple English that I thought of you as my son. I was so afraid that you would think I was trying to supplant your father. That you would interpret it as just another jaded man trying to assume the role of a father-figure in your life. In hindsight I doubt this would have changed the events that have now taken place. But I wanted to take this opportunity to say it to you now posthumously, should your consciousness still be intact in some shape or form. I thought of you as the son I had not yet had, might not ever have. For now that you are gone, it seems so futile to imagine that I could ever replace you. My logical mind tells me that this belief will change with the passing of time. And perhaps it will. I can accept that. But please boy, understand that whatever offspring I should ever bring onto this earth; he or she will never be able to replace you. And it would be a great sin I should commit upon such a child were I to expect such. You were a unique individual. I shall never expect or hope to replace you. I can only pray that perhaps my genes could in some way replicate the incredible and perceptive consciousness that you possessed.



Many facts have come to light that seem to indicate your death could have so easily been prevented. It would be so simple to push these facts aside and simply accept what took place was truly inevitable. I know it would greatly speed my healing process in coming to terms with the fact that I shall never again have the opportunity to speak with you. However, my mind cannot accept this. I do not purport to have wisdom that exceeds that of the many great philosophers who have lived and expressed their ideas before me. Yet something in my "gut" tells me that I must pursue these facts, no matter how much pain and anguish they might bring to me. In the depths of my sorrow I swore to you that I would see the truth revealed, and I will not break this oath.



This is a blog entry. It is intended for anyone who may wish to read it. I want every reader of this text to know, Justin Anthony Straka was a remarkable human being. Yet, at the same time, every single one of you possesses the same remarkable qualities within yourselves. "God" as I perceive him/her/it/that/other is not a definable concept. Yet it exists in each and every one of us. Were I to relate it to the Judeo-Christian text we call "The Bible" I would loosely reference the concept that "God made man in His image." To interpret that in a literal context, that "God" possesses some physical characteristics similar to the biological product that millennium of evolution has caused mankind to assume, is in my opinion pure and simply arrogance. The fact that we as human beings possess the ability to comprehend our own mortality seems to be unique among the uncounted multitudes of species we share this planet with. Our comprehension, and even more important our desire, to question and explore what reason and purpose we have for existing at all is what I would define as being fashioned "in the image of God."



I know that many of Justin's friends and acquaintances most likely share this constant and persistent craving for an answer to "Why?" I cannot give it to you. Not because this terrible tragedy has allowed the answer to reveal itself to me and I choose not to share it. No, it is because the answer to this question, the most important question that mankind has asked since we became aware that the question even existed, is one that can only be answered individually.



If you go to church and find happiness and meaningfulness in that experience don't stop. This might be your personal path to the answers you are so desperately seeking. If you feel as if you are an outcast, as if no tome or revelation as revealed by another man or woman can answer your questions, do not despair. Your path to enlightenment is different but certainly no less compelling than those of your peers.



I was born and raised in Phoenix. The urban experience is all I know. Yet when I breach the brilliant warm womb of the city and travel to the open expanse of the wilderness that is when I personally feel in my "soul" the harmony and nature of that which I perceive as "god". I know for those of you who have been brought up around such beauty as is constantly evident in Flagstaff it may be a much different environment that allows you to find such a feeling. But seek it out. Even if it you only feel it for a brief moment it will sustain you.



I have been given an allotment of ashes that comprise what was once the corporeal abode of Justin Straka. My aspiration is to stand upon the edge of the Mogollon Rim, at a point where it seems you can stare into the infinite. It is a special place to me, one that requires a long and arduous trek along roads that are accessible only with a properly equipped four wheel drive vehicle. I know that others have been to this place, but it is "sacred" to me. It is a place that I have never chosen as a site to make camp because the wind never, ever seems to abate. Though I have been to many ceremonies at many different church's this is the spot where I have every single time felt the essence of "God" deep within me. Here is where I will spread the ashes of Justin Anthony Straka. My beloved son.



I still don't fully understand what is compelling me to share these thoughts with others. Perhaps it is simple vanity. Maybe I think that my perception of the universe is more valid than others. Maybe my vanity compels me to share with anyone else who will listen the thoughts and ideas that I so wish I had had the courage to share with Justin Straka while he was still among the living. I don't really know myself. But I see so many other human beings who seem compelled to share their insights with others that I cannot help but do so myself.



In closing, I think this post is directed towards all those young people who might be feeling the same kind of purposelessness and hopelessness as Justin was at the time of his death. While I can offer you no concrete answers I can offer this advice. Be patient my young friends. Wisdom is not something that can be read in a book or imparted from another wiser person. Only time and experience will grant you this gift. If you are a believer in a theistic, loving and caring god, I believe this is what you should ask for in your prayers. Pray for the time to accumulate the experience that will bring you wisdom in some shape or form.



That is all I have to say for now.



Take care of yourselves.