So...I'm going to start this off by saying that no one knows why Jamie chose to make the decision that he did, but I feel like there was more to it than we will ever know.

My brother had always been the "quiet" one. Don't get me wrong, once you got to know him, he was a riot. Always cracking jokes with his dry sense of humor. Jamie never had problems making friends. He valued his friendships and kept those that meant the most to him close.

Like everyone, Jamie did have a past. He was arrested at only 17 for buying marijuana. I will never forget when we got the phone call, nor will I forget the trip to the local police department. Our mother thought for sure that I was going to be behind bars with Jamie. There was a HUGE, built cop who told us what was going on and advised us that they were questioning Jamie at the time. They would not even allow my mother back there with him. This as you might have guessed, ticked me off pretty good. I remember being all up in the cops face yelling and pointing my finger practically into his forehead. Telling him that this was unfair because Jamie was a minor. So....that being said, naturally we went through the whole process and Jamie was given probation. Shortly after this, Jamie moved in with me. You know how teenagers get and he had made his mind up that he was leaving home....so big sister intervened. I've always been Jamie's "Mother-hen".

After that Jamie pretty much flew the straight and narrow. He worked, hung out with friends, etc. Once I moved again, Jamie ended up moving back in with our parents, Aunt and Uncle and Grandparents. He started spending a lot of time "out". Those of us closest to him wouldn't see the obvious. Jamie was addicted to drugs in a bad way. And I'm not talking marijuana. Jamie was hooked on methamphetamines. He showed all the signs. I think we just chose not to see them. Once we got the call that Jamie was in jail, we opened our eyes. I immediately went to see him, where he proceeded to cry his eyes out to me. That very day, I found out that I was pregnant with Kaeleb. When I told Jamie, he became even more emotional. I agreed to bail him out of jail, as long as he agreed to live with me and get his life straight.

Jamie held to his word. We went through court and Jamie was given another round of probation. During the time he lived with me, our bond just grew even stronger. Jamie told me that when he got so hooked on drugs, the reason why he had little to do with our family was because of the people that he dealt with. He said that those people, if they knew who your family was, would use that to get to them. So he wanted to keep us safe. Jamie lived with me for a long time after that. Up until the past two years, he lived here with us. He got in trouble another time for a violation of probation because he lost his job. This time, Jamie decided that he was done with all the rules he was forced to live by and decided to serve jail time to get rid of all the probation.

We religiously went to see him. We wrote him. We accepted collect calls. He was doing so well. He was attending church services. Making some new friends. He had finally gotten some insight on his life and what he wanted it to be. When he got out, he worked hard. He had a life to be proud of.

Shortly before Jamie's passing, he was living with our Aunt and Grandparents. He had gotten a new car. He had a good job with the Union. He decided that he was going to move to Poinciana with some friends from work. This way, he would be out on his own and closer to the job site. He told me the news in April. This was the last time that I saw him......

In July, just days after his birthday, he called me. I had no way to reach him. He said that he would be getting a cell phone soon and that once he did, he would get me a number. At that time, I even offered to buy the phone for him.....But Jamie always refused...Nah. I didn't know that would be the last time that we would talk. He said that he just wanted to check on us and tell us that he loved us.

An acquaintance of mine later told me that they had spoke to my brother and that he had a cell phone. I got that number and began calling him and leaving messages. He would never answer nor call me back. This went on for some time. The only thing that I could fathom was that he was back on drugs and in with the wrong crowd again.

Then it happened. On Saturday morning, November 11, 2006. I got a phone call from a detective. Asking all sorts of questions about Jamie. I later found out that he also called our Grandmother. He advised me that he would have an officer out to talk to our family, so I called our parents. And we waited... We thought that Jamie was in more trouble. That he had really done something bad. Never in a thousand years would I have thought it was this.

I had been in contact with Jamie's roommates. Trying to find out what was going on and if he was in any type of trouble that they knew of. They said no. Finally, I got a call from one of the boys who stated that he thought it was suicide. Jamie had left them a short letter. At the time that we were talking, the cops showed up at the house and took the phone and told me someone was on their way. So....now I knew. And down the road came the slow moving cop car. It was gut wrenching. The cop pulls up, steps out of the car and says...."You already know?" "So, your confirming it", I said. "I'm sorry. It's a tragic story." The feeling that I had at that very moment was indescribable. I can still feel it to this very day. I wanted to die right there with him.

We got a suicide note that Jamie had with him. It didn't explain much. It only said that he loved us and was sorry and that we wouldn't understand. The toxicology reports showed no drug use. So that threw my drug explanation right out the window. Jamie had mentioned to his best friend that he just couldn't deal with his past. That it haunted him and kept him from sleeping at night. His friends said that Jamie had mentioned in the last days before his death that he might be leaving to go live in North Carolina. For a fresh start. He had also gotten a threatening phone call. Saying now I know where you are. After this, Jamie began sleeping out on the porch to spare his friends from being involved if anything were to happen.

Jamie and I had talked about suicide before and he said...."I would never do it." "I don't have the guts". "And I wouldn't do it to you". "To my family". I never thought this would have happened. I had no clue. None of us did. Of anyone I've ever known, this was not like my brother. I can understand suicide and why people use it as an out. I really can. But it doesn't fit in this situation.

A few days before my brother passed, he used to live at our Aunt's and Grandparents right before he moved, they got a call, asking for him.....and when they said he didn't live there, the caller didn't hang up, they sat and laughed. A person could sit and speculate for days on this. And I will tell you...I've had MONTHS. But could this in anyway be related to my brother's "suicide"? The bottom line is that my brother left a suicide note and he pulled the trigger. The note was VERY basic. Not at all like Jamie. And there were miss-spellings. Another thing that was odd! Jamie was an ace at spelling. Another thing that I found strange....a boy that my brother was in jail with and got to become close friends with. Well, they both started going to church. My brother would have me write this guy so that he was not so lonely. In fact, my brother had a shorter sentence and when he got out, the boy gave my brother a lot of his belongings. I just found out....this boy....died in a car accident. Coincidence? Maybe....

I'm not a private investigator folks and I realize that I'm creating a big conspiracy theory here. Maybe these occurrences are simply that and I am piecing them together for my own benefit and to answer my own questions. But I feel like there was more to Jamie's death then we know. More than we will ever know. And as much as it pains me that he is gone, that he took his life....I must accept his decision. He loved us. That I will never doubt. And I feel like what he did, he did in order to protect those he loved. From what, I don't know and I'm too afraid to assume. But do I feel that Jamie selfishly took his life because he couldn't deal or cope? No....and I never will. Will I pry into details to avenge my brother's death if I so happen to be right? No....he wouldn't have wanted that. He protected our lives, with sacrificing his own.

My brother is in Heaven. Smiling down on us. Watching over us. He was at a point in his life, where he thought it best to take the quickest way out. Was that the best decision or the right decision? Probably not. Was there a way around this? I would like to say yes. We would have went to ANY lengths to save his life. We would have moved him to another state. It doesn't matter what it was, we would have done it. "If only"....doesn't exist though. The pain that he left behind, grows stronger everyday for me. My brother was 25 years old. He had his entire life ahead of him. He had family and friends that loved him. And he chose to throw it all away. One bullet, one dark night. No more brother, uncle, father, son, nephew, grandson, or friend. It's just not worth it. It's not an epidemic that I ever thought would hit so close to home. My brother is a statistic. And I.......I am living proof that it's not over as soon as the bullet strikes...it only just begins. And if my brother's story can help JUST one person....I'm going to tell it. What we have all been through is a living nightmare. I can promise you that suicide is not an end to anything, it is only the beginning. I'm sure there will never be such a thing as "Suicide Prevention", but if one person hears something that changes their mind, that is one person helped. This is how the chain is formed. I am going to make it my personal goal to tell as many people as I can in hope's of helping that one person. This is how my brother's memory will be carried on.....

Please join me in my attempt to help others.