From David's wife's blog - 14 Dec 2007

Why
Current mood: crushed

I dont think i can go on. I will never understand why or how this happened. I can stop thinking about the whys the what ifs the hows the whens. its killing me inside. why didnt i just go to breakfast with you that thursday? why did i have to work that satruday wed planned to go to red lobster? why didnt i just call you on saturday sometime? i didnt know dave i just didnt know. you never made it apparrent you were going to do it. i knew you had these tendencies but id dint think youd actually do it. you wanted to be there for me and for the baby. you told me that. you told me to give you something to hold on to and i said " all i can give you is that i love you and i want to try". that was enough for you for so long. but all that alcohol and all those guns. how could you do this to me? how could you leave me like this? hurting and wondering and wanting to die right along wtih you. to put on my wedding dress and go to the spot where yo lay and just...leave this earth. do you think id be with you if i did that? do you want that? do you want me to be somewhere with you where there is no pain? no suffering no stupid people no nothing. we always hated stupid people. we hated so many things together. im sorry i pushed you away. i was confused i didnt know what i wanted but no matter what i knew i loved you. and you knew it to. and why didnt your undying love for me keep you on this earth? and if it was some stupid drunk accident why didnt you just call me? were you getting my text messages? did you think i was ignoring you? what the fuck dave. youve left us all here to hurt and suffer more than you will ever know. and now i have to feel guilt and resentment and anger and pain and sorrow . i have to see the million reminders of you and today i havet o go to your apartment the place where you died and look through your things. how am i not going to just lay down where you died and die myself? how am i going to go to your service on wednesday and see all those people? see women you once loved see your friends your family...all of them blaming me for whats happened? all of them looking at me and saying" if she had just made her desicion sooner" we were going to fucking couseling dave. in just one fucking day. one fucking day. and i promised you id be there i promised you we were going to try to work this out. i told you the baby could be yours. i told you we could do this together. you wanted to name is alice lynn ketchum. i todl you i wanted isis lynn and you said it was pretty. you said you were glad it was healthy but too baad they couldnt test for autism...you always thought you were a little autistic. i wake up at night screaming and crying. i wake up every morning crying and wishing this werent real. to know youll never call me hunnybunnypussy duck and say "arf! is bad kitty! to me again. to know i wont hear my song...i wont feel your strong arms around me and smell your wonderful manstink smells. i wont see your eye spots from behind when i come home..i wont watch 24 or svu or house. i wont go eat as los olivos...or noodles ranch...or defalcos. i was your perfect little duck. you promised youd never leave me because even though we were going through hard times we were still married and that fucking meantSOMETHING to you. but if it did you wouldnt have done this. why did you do this to us dave? to yourself? where are you right now? are you in pain? are you cold? are you hungry? can you hear me or see me? do you want me to be there with you or do you want me to go on in this world without you. this world means nothing without you david. nothing nothing nothing. it never will. im so soso sososoosososos fuckign god damn sorry i didnt come see you that day. im sososososo fucking sorry i didnt call you. im sosoososos sorry you are gone and now i have to decide what to do. i dont deserve to be here anymore. i deserve to be with you far far away.
i love you so much. with all my heart and soul and every fiber of my being i love you,. i always did and i always will.