From a blog -

I love Zachary Carlisle more than I could possibly say. I say LOVE and not loved because the love doesn't die just because the person dies.

We will never know why people sometimes make the decisions they make. In this case, it was a decision that resulting in ending someone's life. The life of someone that I truely loved... and love.

Sunday afternoon: at lunch we were having such a good time... at least that was my perception at the time... I sort of dragged him around to some stores, and he let me... he seemed a little sad, so I gave him a hug... If I had known what was going to happen later, I would have held on to him a lot longer. I saw him in his truck as I was leaving, he looked a bit depressed. I contemplated going back and telling him that I still love him so much... If I had, would it have made a difference? Who's to say.

His mom also said he was very pleasent that day. Helping her around the house, running errands... never a complaint. But when she went to check up on him the next morning, there he was, lying still as a stone on his bed.

It's pointless to blame oneself. We can tell ourselves 'oh if I had done this differently, or that differently... if I had said this, or hadn't said that...' well, ultimately, it was his decision... if it was even a decision at all... there's still a small chance that it was an accident. I'd like to believe that, but... well... Zach has a history. And I really just don't know what to believe anymore.

In the end, I still feel like he's not really gone. I kind of feel like he's still watching over me. So I'm your guardian angel and... he's mine. I will continue to love him, as I've always done... but that doesn't mean that I won't continue on with my life. I'm not going to stop living just because he isn't anymore. That's my choice. And I know I will love again... maybe not for a while, but it'll happen. In a time where I have so many questions, that is one thing that I'm absolutely certain of.

I love you all, and thank you so much for being there for me.