Originally Posted by
sowb.5151
I didn't think I'd be back on here mainly because I didn't know what else I could say. However, something really unexpected happened to me, and I thought I'd share. Since my post a few weeks ago, not only did Jade's mom forgive me, but actually befriended me.
I'll be honest. I didn't see that coming.
Please know that I am eternally grateful for the kind words from PeaceBeWithYou and Boston Babe. It's funny. Intellectually, I always knew that I was not responsible for Jade's death. That much was obvious. But it never made the pain or the guilt just magically go away. I could never write off her life as a sunk cost or the emotional pain as someone's else's to bear. I told this to Stephanie privately, but I'll say the same here. I felt like I needed her permission first before I could forgive myself. The more I read of Stephanie's posts, the worse I felt about who I am as a person. The more I read, the more I thought, "I contributed to this? I enabled her? I gave her drugs?"
Holy shit, no. Just...no. That can't be me as a person, can it?
Mentally, I'm in a far better place than I was when I first posted. Not only have I gained forgiveness and friendship, but also I'm coming around to understanding why Jade and I were drawn to each other in the first place. We are both addicts. I've never said that to anyone until just now, but it's true. I can't speak for Jade, obviously, but I used for acceptance from others. I couldn't get acceptance from my career. I couldn't really get acceptance socially. I couldn't get acceptance romantically. But with cocaine I got the latter two immediately "fixed."
I've come to respect the fact that yes, I'm broken. We're all a little broken in some way. I'm beginning to make some peace with all of this, to understand that, at my core, I'm not a bad person, and I'm hardly a murderer. But I admit it: This isn't easy at all.
I got to thinking about the final parole scene in Shawshank Redemption. The scene where Red (Morgan Freeman) sits in front of the parole board after 40 years in prison for murder. I think about that scene now as it relates to the nights Jade and I did cocaine.
"Not a day goes by where I don't feel regret," Red said. "I look back on the way I was then. A young, stupid kid...I want to talk to him. Talk some sense into him."
"But I can't."
But I can't. I want to go back, and tell Jade how much her family loves her. I want to go back, and explain that there can be a new chapter written in that journal. It's the chapter where she wins, she proves them wrong, and stands triumphant over addiction. I want to go back so that she can see her kids, her friends, her brothers and her mom. I want to go back to explain that there's a better way than destroying yourself slowly to addiction.
But I can't. The best I can do is work with the knowledge I have now, the knowledge I continue to gain, and to support others as well. And I'm doing so in a quiet way.
I celebrated my 39th birthday on Friday. A few weeks prior, I got a notice from Facebook asking if I wanted to raise money for my favorite charity for my birthday. I chose Austin Pets Alive, a no-kill animal shelter here in Austin. I chose that based on the night I wrote about upthread where Jade took care of the orphaned cat. That was my own private way of honoring my favorite memory of her. It raised $390. I also have a literary idea I'm working on that would integrate social media.
Furthermore, based on my conversations with Stephanie, I'm starting to seriously believe in an afterlife. I didn't find out about Jade's death until the day this thread started, and from what I've learned, it seems that there's a connected energy in all of this. To all those that said a prayer for me, thank you. I am indebted to you. And to Stephanie, you already know how much your forgiveness and friendship means to me, but I still can't believe this is a reality. I am grateful for you. I felt so much shame, and I was starting to go down a terrible path. Thank you for reaching out to me, and pulling me back.
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of all things. Let's all be there for each other. Thank you.