Q. What is the most confused animal in the jungle?
A: The polar bear.
Q. What is the most confused animal in the jungle?
A: The polar bear.
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
[quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg892163#msg892163 date=1213423282]
Q. What is the most confused animal in the jungle?
A: The polar bear.
[/quote]
Seriously, will you marry me? That is my favourite joke of all time.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Originally Posted by Cap-n Meow
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
WHERES MY TRACTOR!
[quote author=Creature Feature link=topic=14703.msg892165#msg892165 date=1213423452]
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
WHERES MY TRACTOR!
[/quote]
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Originally Posted by Cap-n Meow
Where does a general keep his armys?
Up his sleevies!
"The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."
[quote author=trailerparktrash link=topic=14703.msg892164#msg892164 date=1213423397]
Seriously, will you marry me? That is my favourite joke of all time.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
[/quote]
I though it was a riot too, as did my daughter.
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
"The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."
[quote author=Beth-Deth link=topic=14703.msg892173#msg892173 date=1213424151]
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
[/quote]
:lol:
Last two from me for tonight.
Q: What do you call a cow spying on another one?
A: A steak out.
There are two apples lying in a crate.
The first one says, "Man, my head hurts!"
The second one screams "EEK! A talking apple!"
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
A guy walks into the bar and sees a dog licking his balls.
He says to the bartender, "I wish I could do that."
The bartender replies, "Well, you'd better pet him first."
Ok goodnight all!!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
"The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
"The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."
The angry wife met her husband at the door. He smelled of alcohol and had lipstick on his cheek.
"I assume you have a good reason for coming home at six am?" she asked.
"Yes," he replied. "Breakfast."
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their privates to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
He replied, 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.'
I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to. - Donnie Darko
One day a man went on a business trip to Florida.
He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker replied "100 Bucks"
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of god damn money"
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a blow job?"
She said "200 dollars"
"200 dollars that's a lot of money"
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving blow jobs."
So he gives her the money, and get the best blow job of his life
On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the blow job was great how much for the whole package."
"1000 dollars"
"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"
So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."
The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese:
White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
Black kid says: "My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver."
Mexican kid says: "Some kids were trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabrones, "Hey Putos!!!!! liver alone, cheese my sister!"
Math Lesson
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table.
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please, don't be upset - I will be back home before midnight...."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty and your reminder about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 Years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college and you being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference...18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow..."
Resimay for the Ladeez
Deer Sir/Mis,
I waunt to apply for the reporter job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
Im lookin for a Jobb in finanse but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN nikname Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Employer's response:.....
Dear Beefy-I mean Bryan ,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check. You're hired.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted
her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and
floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted the surgery be kept a secret
and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately
calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about
my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?", she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you
for his new ears."
Last one for now....
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job so there's no way we can afford it.'
The next day, the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Patrick said 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her say wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike.'
What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?
WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter.
[quote author=turtlenads link=topic=14703.msg892698#msg892698 date=1213489105]
What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?
WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
[/quote]
:lol: :lol:
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
[quote author=turtlenads link=topic=14703.msg892698#msg892698 date=1213489105]
What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?
WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
[/quote]
Thats funny, thats what I would say if I was riding turtlenads back too...wait! where we talking about a turtle...my bad
[quote author=alexinmn link=topic=14703.msg892718#msg892718 date=1213490720]
Thats funny, thats what I would say if I was riding turtlenads back too...wait! where we talking about a turtle...my bad
[/quote]
Was that supposed to be a joke alex?
Originally Posted by Cap-n Meow
[quote author=trailerparktrash link=topic=14703.msg892785#msg892785 date=1213494550]
Was that supposed to be a joke alex?
[/quote]
not really :lol:
sorry, there was a joke I was going to say, but didnt :-(
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