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Thread: Ever tried suicide?

  1. #151

    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    I used to be suicidal but I'm not anymore, thanks to my recently developed panic attacks! it's fantastic, I always think I'm having a heart attack. they are actually the reason I am so obsessed with MDS. I was driving home one day from college (45 minutes from home) and I didn't have a phone, when I

  2. #152

    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    (is there a way to edit posts? am i an idiot? yes, because i pressed 'post' halfway through typing)

    anyway, continuing,

    i was driving and i had my first panic attack. i pulled over and started screaming, crawling on the side of the interstate in the middle of winter at 8 at night. now, after experiencing what I feel is the feeling of death, i can't help but be addicted to MDS. I torture myself, thinking about everyone's last moments.

    so anyway, it's impossible for me to be suicidal anymore, except out of curiosity for that last moment.

    anyone considering suicide should talk to someone. anyone. that's all i needed back in the day. i hope all of you are happy.

  3. #153
    Moderator bowieluva's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    [quote author=vaela link=topic=14851.msg1721134#msg1721134 date=1285224623]
    (is there a way to edit posts? am i an idiot? yes, because i pressed 'post' halfway through typing)

    anyway, continuing,

    i was driving and i had my first panic attack. i pulled over and started screaming, crawling on the side of the interstate in the middle of winter at 8 at night. now, after experiencing what I feel is the feeling of death, i can't help but be addicted to MDS. I torture myself, thinking about everyone's last moments.

    so anyway, it's impossible for me to be suicidal anymore, except out of curiosity for that last moment.

    anyone considering suicide should talk to someone. anyone. that's all i needed back in the day. i hope all of you are happy.
    [/quote]

    You can only edit posts if you're premium.

    Panic attacks suck. Glad you're treating them and if they somehow helped at all, that's a missed blessing.

  4. #154
    Senior Member Rhythmisasadist's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    I'm 19 and have been diagnosed with bipolar for a couple of years now. No one in my family has it as far as I know but I have a bunch of people in my family with chronic depression. I was depressed alot during my teen years and even now, especially when i'm alone and thinking deeply. I've had panic attacks for as long as i can remember and I feel as if the walls are closing in and i'm about to have a heart attack. I haven't found a medication that has really worked for me because I need the strongest dose they have, and that makes me a zombie. But I'm fortunate enough to have someone who really cares for me and has been helping me deal with it.

  5. #155
    Senior Member irishkat's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    [quote author=Rhythmisasadist link=topic=14851.msg1722169#msg1722169 date=1285399526]
    I'm 19 and have been diagnosed with bipolar for a couple of years now. No one in my family has it as far as I know but I have a bunch of people in my family with chronic depression. I was depressed alot during my teen years and even now, especially when i'm alone and thinking deeply. I've had panic attacks for as long as i can remember and I feel as if the walls are closing in and i'm about to have a heart attack. I haven't found a medication that has really worked for me because I need the strongest dose they have, and that makes me a zombie. But I'm fortunate enough to have someone who really cares for me and has been helping me deal with it.
    [/quote]

    That is good to have a support system.  Have you tried Klonopin for the panic attacks?  It's works great for me 

  6. #156
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    my story is p.t.s.d. (abducted and raped by several men over a 3 day period/beaten with fists and a crowbar/left to die in an abandoned house etc.)/ major depression with suicidal ideation/ anxiety disorder/ recovering anorexic/recovering substance abuser.

    i have been in many a nut house, hospital, recovery house. my first suicide attempt and very first stomach pumping was at age 6. it was intentional. there were many, many to follow. i'm in possession of 17 medical reports that say my diagnosis is "poor" or "extremely guarded."

    through the years i have somehow managed to pull off working professionally (flight attendant) though i've had to take off durations of time for repeated hospitalizations. some time back the company i work for merged with another and my people lost their seniority instead of being integrated by date of hire. when lay offs came we (all 4,000) were the ones to go. it was that, ultimately, that brought me to a distinct moment of clarity. i had to find a way to navigate this thing called life and just give up the pretense that i was o.k. because i had a career. now i did not (until recalled when or if it happened). i had two choices. what was my choice to be?

    stephen king  wrote in  shawshank redemption "to get busy living or get busy dying".  he is in recovery himself. so i got busy living but not without the get busy dying catching up with me a few times the first few years. let me just say that everything bad that can happen to someone happened to me out there but i still somehow managed to knit myself a type of life out of what looked like wreckage for so long.

    i'm clean and sober today, where i was weighed 85 pounds i now weigh 130, i haven't been to a psychiatrict hospital in the last 3 years,and as of this writing i am on no medications. of course, i know that depression is a formidable foe and that could change but the sun is shining for me today and that is enough for me. i'll worry about tomorrow when it comes. i sit on the board of directors of a battered woman's shelter where i was once a client for an entire year 10 years ago. i guess you could say i feel like i've been given a reprieve of sorts or maybe it's just such a thing called "hope."

    i don't know why i'm still here nor do i have an answer as to why life changed for me. i guess i became just so tired of dying. it is a harder process than i would have thought. in any event i held on long enough to be willing to ask for help. i think of depression as a cancer with the various stagings of cancer (this, of course, is a metaphor). some are stage 1 with no treatment necessary as it goes away in short duration, some are stage 2 or three which necessitate a little vigilance with professional intervention. however, some are stage 4. metatasized.  these are the killers of mind, body, and spirit. about 1/2 are amendable to extensive treatment through medications and long term therapy. the other 1/2 are treatment resistent and are as murderous as any other terminal disease. what happens then? i would hazard a guess a fair proportion of suicides are to be found in this group. the ones that continue to live on have to find a way out if they can.

    as for me i cannot say what or how or why everything changed for me. perhaps a divine intervention? i don't know but i worked very hard to earn this life i live today. some might say i missed out on so much, wasted so many years, time i can never have back. they would be right, ofcourse, but i awaken most every morning amazed that i'm alive and grateful too. i have a 12 year old daughter who was raised by my sister due to my circumstances. i stare at my gorgeous child these days and count fingers and toes just like i did when i gave birth to her. i am someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend. i have a right to be here and so i am.

    imagine that.....

  7. #157
    Senior Member trepid's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    Wow. What an incredibly inspiring post..


  8. #158
    Senior Member irishkat's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    [quote author=giasgurl1222 link=topic=14851.msg1723503#msg1723503 date=1285607878]
    my story is p.t.s.d. (abducted and raped by several men over a 3 day period/beaten with fists and a crowbar/left to die in an abandoned house etc.)/ major depression with suicidal ideation/ anxiety disorder/ recovering anorexic/recovering substance abuser.

    i have been in many a nut house, hospital, recovery house. my first suicide attempt and very first stomach pumping was at age 6. it was intentional. there were many, many to follow. i'm in possession of 17 medical reports that say my diagnosis is "poor" or "extremely guarded."

    through the years i have somehow managed to pull off working professionally (flight attendant) though i've had to take off durations of time for repeated hospitalizations. some time back the company i work for merged with another and my people lost their seniority instead of being integrated by date of hire. when lay offs came we (all 4,000) were the ones to go. it was that, ultimately, that brought me to a distinct moment of clarity. i had to find a way to navigate this thing called life and just give up the pretense that i was o.k. because i had a career. now i did not (until recalled when or if it happened). i had two choices. what was my choice to be?

    stephen king  wrote in  shawshank redemption "to get busy living or get busy dying".  he is in recovery himself. so i got busy living but not without the get busy dying catching up with me a few times the first few years. let me just say that everything bad that can happen to someone happened to me out there but i still somehow managed to knit myself a type of life out of what looked like wreckage for so long.

    i'm clean and sober today, where i was weighed 85 pounds i now weigh 130, i haven't been to a psychiatrict hospital in the last 3 years,and as of this writing i am on no medications. of course, i know that depression is a formidable foe and that could change but the sun is shining for me today and that is enough for me. i'll worry about tomorrow when it comes. i sit on the board of directors of a battered woman's shelter where i was once a client for an entire year 10 years ago. i guess you could say i feel like i've been given a reprieve of sorts or maybe it's just such a thing called "hope."

    i don't know why i'm still here nor do i have an answer as to why life changed for me. i guess i became just so tired of dying. it is a harder process than i would have thought. in any event i held on long enough to be willing to ask for help. i think of depression as a cancer with the various stagings of cancer (this, of course, is a metaphor). some are stage 1 with no treatment necessary as it goes away in short duration, some are stage 2 or three which necessitate a little vigilance with professional intervention. however, some are stage 4. metatasized.  these are the killers of mind, body, and spirit. about 1/2 are amendable to extensive treatment through medications and long term therapy. the other 1/2 are treatment resistent and are as murderous as any other terminal disease. what happens then? i would hazard a guess a fair proportion of suicides are to be found in this group. the ones that continue to live on have to find a way out if they can.

    as for me i cannot say what or how or why everything changed for me. perhaps a divine intervention? i don't know but i worked very hard to earn this life i live today. some might say i missed out on so much, wasted so many years, time i can never have back. they would be right, ofcourse, but i awaken most every morning amazed that i'm alive and grateful too. i have a 12 year old daughter who was raised by my sister due to my circumstances. i stare at my gorgeous child these days and count fingers and toes just like i did when i gave birth to her. i am someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend. i have a right to be here and so i am.

    imagine that.....
    [/quote]

    Amazing!  Puts to shame my "best foot forward" motto.

  9. #159
    Senior Member Hellbettie's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    [quote author=irishkat link=topic=14851.msg1723472#msg1723472 date=1285603576]
    That is good to have a support system.  Have you tried Klonopin for the panic attacks?  It's works great for me 
    [/quote]

    I totally agree about the klonopin, it's the only one of the three anti-anxiety meds I've tried. Ativan made me feel like a zombie, xanax made me rage, but klonopin keeps the attacks at bay, where they need to be.  Also, I tried valium, but that was when I thought I needed to be off of klonopin. That was a huge mistake. I'm afraid I'll probably be taking it for the rest of my life cos it's damn impossible for me to get off of, without terrible withdrawal symptoms that are worse than the original attacks were.

    Before klonopin though, I couldn't leave the house. Driving a car was enough to send me into a huge attack, even if I only had to drive a couple of blocks. Now, I love driving, and can't believe I used to walk...even in the winter, to avoid having to get behind the dreaded wheel.

  10. #160
    Senior Member irishkat's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    [quote author=Hellbettie link=topic=14851.msg1723517#msg1723517 date=1285609466]
    I totally agree about the klonopin, it's the only one of the three anti-anxiety meds I've tried. Ativan made me feel like a zombie, xanax made me rage, but klonopin keeps the attacks at bay, where they need to be.  Also, I tried valium, but that was when I thought I needed to be off of klonopin. That was a huge mistake. I'm afraid I'll probably be taking it for the rest of my life cos it's damn impossible for me to get off of, without terrible withdrawal symptoms that are worse than the original attacks were.

    Before klonopin though, I couldn't leave the house. Driving a car was enough to send me into a huge attack, even if I only had to drive a couple of blocks. Now, I love driving, and can't believe I used to walk...even in the winter, to avoid having to get behind the dreaded wheel.
    [/quote]

    Agreed    Panic attacks suck big donkey dicks

  11. #161
    Senior Member deeply shaded's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    [quote author=giasgurl1222 link=topic=14851.msg1723503#msg1723503 date=1285607878]
    my story is p.t.s.d. (abducted and raped by several men over a 3 day period/beaten with fists and a crowbar/left to die in an abandoned house etc.)/ major depression with suicidal ideation/ anxiety disorder/ recovering anorexic/recovering substance abuser.

    i have been in many a nut house, hospital, recovery house. my first suicide attempt and very first stomach pumping was at age 6. it was intentional. there were many, many to follow. i'm in possession of 17 medical reports that say my diagnosis is "poor" or "extremely guarded."

    through the years i have somehow managed to pull off working professionally (flight attendant) though i've had to take off durations of time for repeated hospitalizations. some time back the company i work for merged with another and my people lost their seniority instead of being integrated by date of hire. when lay offs came we (all 4,000) were the ones to go. it was that, ultimately, that brought me to a distinct moment of clarity. i had to find a way to navigate this thing called life and just give up the pretense that i was o.k. because i had a career. now i did not (until recalled when or if it happened). i had two choices. what was my choice to be?

    stephen king  wrote in  shawshank redemption "to get busy living or get busy dying".  he is in recovery himself. so i got busy living but not without the get busy dying catching up with me a few times the first few years. let me just say that everything bad that can happen to someone happened to me out there but i still somehow managed to knit myself a type of life out of what looked like wreckage for so long.

    i'm clean and sober today, where i was weighed 85 pounds i now weigh 130, i haven't been to a psychiatrict hospital in the last 3 years,and as of this writing i am on no medications. of course, i know that depression is a formidable foe and that could change but the sun is shining for me today and that is enough for me. i'll worry about tomorrow when it comes. i sit on the board of directors of a battered woman's shelter where i was once a client for an entire year 10 years ago. i guess you could say i feel like i've been given a reprieve of sorts or maybe it's just such a thing called "hope."

    i don't know why i'm still here nor do i have an answer as to why life changed for me. i guess i became just so tired of dying. it is a harder process than i would have thought. in any event i held on long enough to be willing to ask for help. i think of depression as a cancer with the various stagings of cancer (this, of course, is a metaphor). some are stage 1 with no treatment necessary as it goes away in short duration, some are stage 2 or three which necessitate a little vigilance with professional intervention. however, some are stage 4. metatasized.  these are the killers of mind, body, and spirit. about 1/2 are amendable to extensive treatment through medications and long term therapy. the other 1/2 are treatment resistent and are as murderous as any other terminal disease. what happens then? i would hazard a guess a fair proportion of suicides are to be found in this group. the ones that continue to live on have to find a way out if they can.

    as for me i cannot say what or how or why everything changed for me. perhaps a divine intervention? i don't know but i worked very hard to earn this life i live today. some might say i missed out on so much, wasted so many years, time i can never have back. they would be right, ofcourse, but i awaken most every morning amazed that i'm alive and grateful too. i have a 12 year old daughter who was raised by my sister due to my circumstances. i stare at my gorgeous child these days and count fingers and toes just like i did when i gave birth to her. i am someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend. i have a right to be here and so i am.

    imagine that.....
    [/quote]


    That was awesome.

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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    thank you all for the kind words. you know, depression is so isolating that i somehow even now feel "unsocialized". i often still view life through the lens of someone who has been away for a very long time and comes home to find that everyone and everything has changed and every idea given credence might just have no validity. it is humbling.... it is, too, enpowering. still, when you've lived in the shadows longer than you've lived in the light of this world, where things are very bright, and certain and, yes, worthwhile you have a arduous time coming back. i never forget when i lost sight of my soul and died.

    i never introduced myself on the noob thread. i guess i wasn't "feeling" it when i saw it from time to time. i feel it now, though.  i like to watch the world and i'm no longer ashamed. my name is devon.

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    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    :2wave: Hi, Devon!  :kiss3:

  14. #164
    Senior Member Rhythmisasadist's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    [quote author=giasgurl1222 link=topic=14851.msg1723906#msg1723906 date=1285637668]
    thank you all for the kind words. you know, depression is so isolating that i somehow even now feel "unsocialized". i often still view life through the lens of someone who has been away for a very long time and comes home to find that everyone and everything has changed and every idea given credence might just have no validity. it is humbling.... it is, too, enpowering. still, when you've lived in the shadows longer than you've lived in the light of this world, where things are very bright, and certain and, yes, worthwhile you have a arduous time coming back. i never forget when i lost sight of my soul and died.

    i never introduced myself on the noob thread. i guess i wasn't "feeling" it when i saw it from time to time. i feel it now, though.  i like to watch the world and i'm no longer ashamed. my name is devon.
    [/quote]

    Thank you for sharing Devon, It's nice to know that people can overcome their past and depression, even if it's as deep as yours was. I'm sorry for everything you had to go through.

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    Senior Member irishkat's Avatar
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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    [quote author=giasgurl1222 link=topic=14851.msg1723906#msg1723906 date=1285637668]
    thank you all for the kind words. you know, depression is so isolating that i somehow even now feel "unsocialized". i often still view life through the lens of someone who has been away for a very long time and comes home to find that everyone and everything has changed and every idea given credence might just have no validity. it is humbling.... it is, too, enpowering. still, when you've lived in the shadows longer than you've lived in the light of this world, where things are very bright, and certain and, yes, worthwhile you have a arduous time coming back. i never forget when i lost sight of my soul and died.

    i never introduced myself on the noob thread. i guess i wasn't "feeling" it when i saw it from time to time. i feel it now, though.  i like to watch the world and i'm no longer ashamed. my name is devon.
    [/quote]

    Glad you're here Devon 

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    Re: Ever tried suicide?

    [quote author=giasgurl1222 link=topic=14851.msg1723906#msg1723906 date=1285637668]
    my name is devon.
    [/quote]Nice to meet you, Devon. I'm also a mother to a child who wasn't raised by me and, like you, I'm amazed every day at how awesome she is. I also have 4 kids at home with me but my heart aches a little with longing for my oldest every day. 
    Quote Originally Posted by Ron_NYC View Post
    SMH. White people! Always trying to help and shit.

  17. #167
    Senior Member Cat Pajamas's Avatar
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    Whoa. Like whoa.

    I have seen the future and I'm fairly relieved to say, it looks nothing like me.

  18. #168
    Orig FUCKING MDS lesbian sogs's Avatar
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    Amazing.

  19. #169
    Senior Member irishkat's Avatar
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    My thought exactly...

  20. #170
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    Troll is trolling?

    ETA: Apologies if you were being serious. Guess I feel the same way when I run out of beer.

  21. #171
    Senior Member animosity's Avatar
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    this thread caught my eye and i read the first couple of pages. got me thinking... what are some things a person can do to overcome suicidal thoughts?

    someone mentioned church, and while i've never done that, it seems like it might help.

    i have never seriously considered suicide, let alone tried it. sure i have voices in my head telling me i'm not good enough, not hot enough, not smart enough, not cool enough. i'm poor, back at home at age 33, no clue what i want to be when i grow up. but when i think about all these factors i remind myself that i don't try hard enough to be all those things and so it's my own fault that i'm not living up to my own standards. not the best pep talk, but it works for me. the fact is, people turn their lives around at all sorts of different ages and 80 years is a very short period of time to stick with it.

    so why am i so chronically un-suicidal? perhaps some of these things that i do help. not sure if they would help everyone, but it might...

    1. i turn my brain off and watch movies, tv shows, read books and browse the internet for interesting things when i'm sad about myself. i just don't think about it.

    2. sometimes i go and watch people around town and that makes me happy.

    3. i make up reasons to talk to people. i come up with a list of questions/survey and ask people around school to answer them under the guise of research. it helps me talk to people if i feel i have a reason to approach them.

    4. i volunteer at places where people are worse off than me. puts things in prospective!

    5. i seek out therapy when i'm down and i stick with it, no matter how useless it may feel at the time. there's an AA/NA program every hour of the day in most places and even if you're not an addict, they're willing to help.

    i also distance myself from people who are harmful to my mind - people who are always negative, people who are always drunk or high, etc. and replace them with people who inspire me to do better.

    not being prone to suicide probably helps too... i can't say whether this stuff helps me because that's the case. i hope people who are suicidal try to get help instead of keeping it to themselves, as that seems to so often be the case! what's worse? being uncomfortable because you have to ask for help or being dead?
    Quote Originally Posted by songbirdsong View Post
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  22. #172
    Senior Member animosity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vienna Nguyen View Post
    All the volunteer places in my city are completely booked for months and months! There is a 2 month waiting list to volunteer at a nursing home! Looks like everyone is suicidal these days =]
    that's really, really hard to believe. no place that accepts volunteers ever turns someone away. it's not just nursing homes, you know... there's goodwill, salvation army, any church, hiv/aids organizations, homeless shelters, food kitchens, big bro/sis programs, the library, girl/boy scouts, domestic abuse groups, AA/NA programs.

    i could keep going.
    Quote Originally Posted by songbirdsong View Post
    "Say, you know who could handle this penis? MY MOTHER."

  23. #173
    Senior Member animosity's Avatar
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    all i'm saying is finding a way to be of service to others does a lot to boost your self worth and confidence. all the people you help are grateful and all the people you volunteer with are supportive. you can make a bunch of friends that way.
    Quote Originally Posted by songbirdsong View Post
    "Say, you know who could handle this penis? MY MOTHER."

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  25. #175
    Senior Member animosity's Avatar
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    no problem! welcome to MDS.
    Quote Originally Posted by songbirdsong View Post
    "Say, you know who could handle this penis? MY MOTHER."

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