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Thread: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

  1. #1276
    Senior Member Pheara's Avatar
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    Q: What does a gay man call their foreskin?

    A: Mud flaps.

  2. #1277
    Senior Member Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pheara View Post
    Q: What does a gay man call their foreskin?

    A: Mud flaps.
    You nasty beezy!

  3. #1278
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    This airplane is going to crash and the pilot says I have good news and bad news. The bad news is this plane is going down and quick, the good news is if we throw people off the plane we might be able to recover. the pilot say ok lets start alphabetically, (A) are there and African Americans on the plane, no one answers. (B) Are there any Black people on the plane, no one answers. (C) Are there any colored people on the plane, no one answers. So then a black kid says to his dad i thought we were African American, black, and colored.

    His dad says "no son, today we're niggers."
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  4. #1279
    Senior Member Pheara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ron_NYC View Post
    This airplane is going to crash and the pilot says I have good news and bad news. The bad news is this plane is going down and quick, the good news is if we throw people off the plane we might be able to recover. the pilot say ok lets start alphabetically, (A) are there and African Americans on the plane, no one answers. (B) Are there any Black people on the plane, no one answers. (C) Are there any colored people on the plane, no one answers. So then a black kid says to his dad i thought we were African American, black, and colored.

    His dad says "no son, today we're niggers."
    Dying.

  5. #1280
    Senior Member Artemis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seraphim View Post
    Why not just be an adult and go forward with your life. You do know the reps aren't real money or anything right?

  6. #1281
    Senior Member Artemis's Avatar
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    Oops. xkcd.
    Quote Originally Posted by Seraphim View Post
    Why not just be an adult and go forward with your life. You do know the reps aren't real money or anything right?

  7. #1282
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    TWENTY DOLLARS

    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
    For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
    Her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made
    ... Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
    Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.
    Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, he found his voice and blurted out,
    ''If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' That's when she shot him.

  8. #1283
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    ‎11 people were grasping a rope from a helicopter, ( 10 men, 1 woman ) The rope was fraying, they all agreed that 1 should let go before the rope broke killing them all, they couldn't decide who. The woman said she'd give up her life to save theirs, since women were used to giving up things for family & that men were superior & must be saved. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped. :) Never under estimate the evil in a woman!

  9. #1284
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
    manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
    she drove to K-Mart.
    Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

  10. #1285
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO




    An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
    dice.

    She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
    completely nude'.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
    Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
    clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
    Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

    The other answered,
    'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

    MORAL OF THE STORY -

    Not all Irish are drunks,
    not all blondes are dumb,
    but all men...are men.






  11. #1286
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    A public school teacher was arrested today at John F Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Att...orney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

  12. #1287
    Senior Member Pheara's Avatar
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    Boobs vs. Willies

    A family is at the dinner table.
    The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
    The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
    In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm.
    In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ...
    After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

    This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
    The mother smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.
    In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
    In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
    After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

  13. #1288
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    How the original bacon-burger was created ......

    Attachment 2742

  14. #1289
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

    Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking ...of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

    The proctologist fainted

  15. #1290
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
    'Fred,' he replies.
    'Fred what?' the officer asks.
    'Just Fred,' the man responds.
    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
    When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
    and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back
    to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD..
    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
    so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
    The officer walked away in tears, laughing

  16. #1291
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    There was a knock on the door this past Sunday morning. I opened it to find a young - well-dressed man standing there who said
    "Hello Sir - I'm a Jehovah Witness."
    So I said - "Come in and sit down."
    I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked - "Well What do you want to talk about?"
    He said - "Beats the shit out of me - I've never gotten this far before."

  17. #1292
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    Terror scare at Miami Dolphins practice today. The Miami Dolphins football practice was delayed today for nearly 2hrs after 1 of the players happened to glance down and notice a suspicious looking, powdery white substance on the practice field. Tony Sparano immediately suspended practice while authorities were called in to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensics determined that the white substance previously unknown to Dolphin offensive players was the goal line. Practice resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again this week.

  18. #1293
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    Now available in paperback!!
    The book "Understanding Women, Volume 1" has finally arrived in book stores.......FINALLY


  19. #1294
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    Only the UK can get away with this.....halarious....


  20. #1295
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old.
    Well . . You'll love this one.
    Her name is alice , and she was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist.
    She noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in he...r high school class some 30-odd years ago.
    Could he be the same guy that she had a secret crush on, way back then?
    Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought.
    This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been her classmate..
    After he examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended morgan park high school ....
    'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
    'when did you graduate?' she asked.
    He answered, 'in 1965. Why do you ask?'
    'you were in my class!', she exclaimed.
    He looked at her closely.
    Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked,
    'what did you teach'???

  21. #1296
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    11/11/11 doesn't come often, unless you're Jerry Sandusky.

  22. #1297
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  23. #1298
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  24. #1299
    Senior Member poppy213's Avatar
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    Haimey goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor my stomach has been hurting me" his doctor says, "Haimey you need mother's milk, here take this address and go to Rosalie's house". He goes and knocks on her door. "Come in I've been expecting you", she says. Once that get comfortable, Rosalie is getting a bit turned on and says, "Is there anything else I can do for you Haimey?", "Why yes", he says, "Do you have any cookies?"



    * I can never remember the good jokes.

    "Satisfaction of ones curiosity is one of the greatest sources of happiness in life" Linus Pauling

  25. #1300
    Senior Member jessielee's Avatar
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    Joe has 2 black eyes. His buddy asks him, "Where did you get those 2 black eyes?" Joe says "well I was in church when I noticed that the woman in front of me had a Giant wedgie, so I picked it out for her and she turned around and punched me." His friend asks "so how did ya get the 2nd one?" Joe replies, "Well, I thought she wanted it back up there".

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