http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxKeCmTCDV4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxKeCmTCDV4
Imagining this.......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_pzd_w1sS4
Father Knows Best...
A concerned Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.
"I'll say he is Daddy," she replied... "Why just last night he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves, and if you guys are easy to get along with."
Gone Fishing
Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
Loyalty Oath
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.
But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."
The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"
[quote author=Key West Digger link=topic=14703.msg1710229#msg1710229 date=1283861957]
Father Knows Best...
A concerned Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.
"I'll say he is Daddy," she replied... "Why just last night he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves, and if you guys are easy to get along with."
[/quote]
I have the dumbs, I don't get it. :(
Originally Posted by Cap-n Meow
[quote author=trailerparktrash link=topic=14703.msg1710246#msg1710246 date=1283867241]
I have the dumbs, I don't get it. :(
[/quote]The boyfriend is checking out the girl's family. Whether the Dad/Mom is rich, will he eat good meals at the parent's house and can he get along with them. Guess you need to be a parent to appreciate it.
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look! It's still in the crate!"
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course the wife agrees and they do it again...
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, dear" and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning. YOU DON'T!"
Coutesy of White Trash Bitchy Blond.
Best cowboy pick up line ever...
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman, He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch
for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it.
The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?"
"What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast.
The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital.
On the way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse "Am I in heaven?"
Nurse says- "No we're just taking a shortcut through the Childrens Ward"
[quote author=HyperU2 link=topic=14703.msg1717418#msg1717418 date=1284772063]
The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital.
On the way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse "Am I in heaven?"
Nurse says- "No we're just taking a shortcut through the Childrens Ward"
[/quote]
Oh, Hyper. Tsk tsk. :)
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
I urgently needed some time off work, but I knew the Boss wouldn't give them to me. So, I decided to act "crazy", then he'd tell me to take a few days off. I hung by my knees from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker, (who's a blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her I was pretending to be a light bulb so the Boss would think I was crazy and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What do you think you're doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "Clearly you're stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "Where to you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container.
"Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.
"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500" he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.
Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching...
Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner.
As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"
Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?" Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you're a cunt too"
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a black baby? Yeah they named it Sum Ting Wong!!!
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents. “Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “Two Wongs don’t make a white!"
The Penis Poem--by Willie Nelson
by Carol Walterson Stroud on Tuesday, May 31, 2011 at 8:54pm
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
t would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" President Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, President Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Common Shop Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT (Flathead) SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a bitch TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
If bras are called 'over the shoulder boulder holders, then what are jock straps called? Under the nut butt huts?
Oh EM GEEyou're making me laugh this morning.
Attachment 2319
Couldn't resist.......
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
