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Thread: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

  1. #101
    Moderator nestlequikie's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

    The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

    The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

    The big guy says:  "What's wrong with you?"

    In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

    The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy says : "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!!'"
    I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to. - Donnie Darko

  2. #102
    deliberate_misuse
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    My son told me this one:

    If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?

  3. #103
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=deliberate_misuse link=topic=14703.msg893010#msg893010 date=1213507127]
    My son told me this one:

    If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?
    [/quote]

    TESTICAL!! 
    A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter.

  4. #104
    Senior Member wheresthebeef's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    My son told me this one...

    How do you spell I cup?

    Shit. Not the same effect when typing it.

  5. #105
    Senior Member blu's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    I see you pee!

  6. #106
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?" He says, "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"
    The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. The midget says, "A female horth." The rancher shows him a prized filly. The midget says, "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
    The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. The midget says, "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
    The rancher picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. The midget says, "Nith earzth. can I thee her mouf"?
    The rancher is getting pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. The midget says, "Nith mouf, can I thee her twat"?
    Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm
    and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing and says, "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

  7. #107
    Senior Member trepid's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    President Bush decides to have a few beers in a local bar one evening. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?" The bartender replies, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over. "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you doing in here?"
    "I'm planning World War Three," Bush replies. "Really?" the guy asks, "What's going to happen?". "Well, I'm going to kill 40 million Iranians and one blonde with big tits" Bush says. Shocked, the guy exclaims "Why kill a blonde with big tits?". Bush rolls his eyes, "See, I told you. No-one cares about the 40 million Iranians."

    :lol:

  8. #108
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

    She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'


    I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to. - Donnie Darko

  9. #109
    Senior Member wheresthebeef's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    How do you know if an elephant has been having sex in your backyard?


    The liner to the garbage can is missing.

  10. #110
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=wheresthebeef link=topic=14703.msg893735#msg893735 date=1213572877]
    How do you know if an elephant has been having sex in your backyard?


    The liner to the garbage can is missing.
    [/quote]

    bahahaha    I spit Gatorade on my screen..... 
    I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to. - Donnie Darko

  11. #111
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Where do pirates live?
    With The Sureness Of Sleepwalking.

  12. #112
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=. link=topic=14703.msg893740#msg893740 date=1213573421]
    Where do pirates live?
    [/quote]

      I dont know...where?

  13. #113
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Laurie_khikhi link=topic=14703.msg893741#msg893741 date=1213573482]
      I dont know...where?
    [/quote]


    AAAARRRRkansas
    With The Sureness Of Sleepwalking.

  14. #114
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    What did the two condoms say outside of the gay bar????









    "Let's go in and get shit faced!"

  15. #115
    Senior Member Chompin's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Two Christian Missionaries are captured by English-speaking, indigenous cannibals in the Amazon.  The leader of the tribe tells the first bound man that he has two options.  "You can choose death, or 'Unga Bunga.'"  The missionary quickly says, "I have too much left to do in my life to die, so whatever Unga Bunga is I must take that."

    At that point all the men of the tribe take their loin clothes off and precede to sodomize the poor man, letting him run into the jungle after they had finished.  The tribe leader then asks the remaining missionary what his choice is.

    "After seeing that, you can just kill me," he replies to the Chief. 

    He turns around and yells to his tribe, "He has chosen death, by 'Unga Bunga!'"

  16. #116
    NOT SAME CAT Fleta's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    What do gay horses eat?
    HAAAYYYY!!!

    ...much more effective when it's vocalized....

  17. #117
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Fleta link=topic=14703.msg893876#msg893876 date=1213583541]
    What do gay horses eat?
    HAAAYYYY!!!

    ...much more effective when it's vocalized....
    [/quote]

    New joke.
    What do gay horses eat?





    Penis!



    Yeah, that one needs some work

  18. #118
    Orig FUCKING MDS lesbian sogs's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Creature Feature link=topic=14703.msg893877#msg893877 date=1213583686]
    New joke.
    What do gay horses eat?





    Penis!



    Yeah, that one needs some work
    [/quote]

    you disappoint.

  19. #119
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=s0ggysh0es link=topic=14703.msg893879#msg893879 date=1213583725]
    you disappoint.
    [/quote]

    That joke was .5 seconds in the making! It was just a bit premature is all

  20. #120
    Orig FUCKING MDS lesbian sogs's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Creature Feature link=topic=14703.msg893881#msg893881 date=1213584156]
    That joke was .5 seconds in the making! It was just a bit premature is all
    [/quote]

    Like your ejaculation?

  21. #121
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=s0ggysh0es link=topic=14703.msg893884#msg893884 date=1213584269]
    Like your ejaculation?
    [/quote]

    No, that was right on time. I wanted to finish at the 30 second mark.



    blame the horse?

  22. #122
    Moderator nestlequikie's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    THE NEW  PASSWORD

          A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and
    at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need
    to enter a password to log-on in the future.

        Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would
    try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked 
    him to enter his password, he made it plainly  obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

          P...
          E...
          N...
          I...
          S...
       
    His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied

      ***PASSWORD  INVALID...........NOT LONG  ENOUGH***



    I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to. - Donnie Darko

  23. #123
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A guy and his young son were looking at some of the son's favorite internet sites. To log on to one, the son typed a really long password. Intrigued, the dad asked his son what his password was.

    "Mickeydonaldgoofyminniepluto," said the son.

    "Why did you pick that as your password?" asked the dad.

    "Because it said the password had to be five characters long."



    (My boss told this joke in a training session as if he was the dad. One of the trainees actually believed him.)

  24. #124
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old.

    The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

    One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear very well.

    Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other one.

    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

    So they wiggled up close to each other.

    "Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

    Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

    With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD -- BOTH OF US?"
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  25. #125
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

    After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things.

    1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

    2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

    3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

    5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

    "Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.....not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

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