[quote author=ZoMyGoddess! link=topic=14703.msg1501579#msg1501579 date=1263085098]
:lol: EW has been keeping this thread alive and you go and quote a joke from over a year ago. hahaha awww
[/quote]She needs to be kicked! :lol:
[quote author=ZoMyGoddess! link=topic=14703.msg1501579#msg1501579 date=1263085098]
:lol: EW has been keeping this thread alive and you go and quote a joke from over a year ago. hahaha awww
[/quote]
There I was on my way to work ... getting into a fight was the furthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon... I was in a great mood.... and then... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car..(and you know how you get so stressed and life stuff seems to get funny)? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it.... he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
...and that's when the fight started
Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Reward for goodness
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
Careful when you wish
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
****
Doing this great deed
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
****
Even When They Lie, Women are Noble - Gerald McEathron
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed, All Us Women
Market Research - Gary Richardson
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
****
The Homeless Woman - Judith Walsh
A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done In 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
****
Cajun Confession - Carol Gafford
A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos' had de affair wid annuder woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress' and rub together, but den I stop."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50 on de box, and 'cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."
****
Why We Split Up - Gareld McEathron
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.
Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for!
Besides, my beer was 40 bucks cheaper.
I don't think she's coming back…
Law Enforcement Semantics - Jackie Chang
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?
****
I Think You are the Father of One of My Kids - Chris Holmes
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, actually I'm your son's math teacher."
****
Marriage Counseling - Dakota Wilhelm
A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor.
The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?"
****
Thought for the Day - Dakota Wilhelm
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. :lol:
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, "You know, Mabel,I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
All About Frank
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his f ***ing widow!!!"
Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall
and in dark parking lots, etc.
This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on
in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more
commonplace.....
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or
Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic..
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.
Here's how the scam works.....Two seriously good-looking
20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your
shopping into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
So tell your friends to be careful.
also
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K- Mart but I bought them all out.
The Population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
I don't know if this has been posted. I tried to go through what I could but I can't keep up. If it's a repost I apologize but I :lol: every time.
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Directions:
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !
This reminded me of when I watched Tom Snyder and Julia Childs trying to make something while getting smashed on the wine they were supposed use in the dish. I wish I could have that video.
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked. "No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?" "No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, He went with Mum and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
Another variation of:
Nagging Problem
An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
TAKE MY ASS TO JAIL
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles
south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he
was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his
way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be
late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a
ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could
juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit
them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.. A drunken
good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went
over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper
observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the
drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't
no way I can pass that test.'
Pvt Smith is engaged in battle, shooting with all his might. There's a whole lot of enemy, not so many of his own side, and he runs out of ammo. He says,
"Oh God! What am I gonna do?"
A disembodied voice says, "Pick up your rifle, aim, and yell 'bang bang bang'. I'll take care of the rest."
Smith does what he's told, and it works. He aims, he yells, "BANG BANG BANG! BANG BANG BANG!" and the enemy are actually dropping dead.
Then he sees one enemy soldier in the distance running directly toward him.
"BANG BANG BANG" goes Smith with the rifle, but the enemy soldier only runs faster and faster toward him.
The last thing Smith hears before getting run over is the enemy soldier yelling "TANK TANK TANK!"
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Vito answered, "No... he minded his own fucking business!!"
There was a captain and his crew,
A cabin mate says, "Captain, 5 ships over the horizon!"
"Get me my red shirt," says the captain.
The cabin boy gives his captain the red shirt and they fight without losing a single man.
After the fight the cabin boys asks the captain, "Why did you need a red shirt?"
"If I were to be shot, my crew would continue to fight," the captin respons
A few weeks later the cabin boy says, "Captain!! 20 ships over the horizon!!" The captain says,
"Get my brown pants!!"
[quote author=DeidarasGirl4Now2Eva link=topic=14703.msg1514254#msg1514254 date=1264120581]
There was a captain and his crew,
A cabin mate says, "Captain, 5 ships over the horizon!"
"Get me my red shirt," says the captain.
The cabin boy gives his captain the red shirt and they fight without losing a single man.
After the fight the cabin boys asks the captain, "Why did you need a red shirt?"
"If I were to be shot, my crew would continue to fight," the captin respons
A few weeks later the cabin boy says, "Captain!! 20 ships over the horizon!!" The captain says,
"Get my brown pants!!"
[/quote]The joke is great. What I am MORE impressed with is the fact that you typed this and didn't do copypasta. Your grammar and punctuation is nothing short impeccable.
[quote author=GothaBella link=topic=14703.msg1514269#msg1514269 date=1264120945]
The joke is great. What I am MORE impressed with is the fact that you typed this and didn't do copypasta. You grammar and punctuation is nothing short impeccable.
[/quote]
thank you :2embarrassed:
[quote author=DeidarasGirl4Now2Eva link=topic=14703.msg1514274#msg1514274 date=1264121008]
thank you :2embarrassed:
[/quote]Makes for a Very Proud Mom!!!!!! Thumbs up!
Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time
had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this,
but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't
finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil
ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,
we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had
yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that
happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had
to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.
A smile is a sign of joy.
A hug is a sign of love.
A laugh is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me
That's just a sign of good taste.!!
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, looked him straight in the eye and said,'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with Interest,
He responded, 'No kidding. I'm a Politician too. What party are you with?
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