Happy Holloween!
Happy Holloween!
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some s&m role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said,"last friday, at the end of the work day i went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. when all the other people had left, i slipped out of it and all i had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. he was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "that's pretty much my story! when my fiance got home last friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. he was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, " i did a lot of planning. i made arrangements for the kids to stay over a grandma's. i took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. i slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. i finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,
"HEY, BATMAN, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"
Did someone say Fargo?!
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all and beginning to fray so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall to their deaths.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... How do you like using second hand stuff?" The new husband replies "It isn't all that bad at all really. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."
Maria had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her
Daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get
Back into the world. Finally, Maria said she'd go out,
But didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone
For you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and
After dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a
Weekend at Surfers Paradise . Their first night there, she
Undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a
Pair of black, lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black
Panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is
Yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood
There wearing the black panties, and he was in his
Birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black
Condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest Condolences!
[quote author=Mr. Blue Sky link=topic=14703.msg1048042#msg1048042 date=1224582699]
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....
da-dum tsh!
[/quote]
I probably posted this before, but I like groaners.
A man walks into a bar.
Says ow.
HA.
<br />The best thing happened. A guy was butchering Conway Twitty at Karaoke and the power went off in the bar. Someone shouted you pissed Jesus off when you messed with Conway!
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to t he door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus'.
Just think - if the Indians had given
the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey,
we all would be having a piece of ass for thanksgiving.
Hot and Cold Sex
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.'
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years
in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few
words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very
first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television
set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and
loving people.'
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said
the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to
him for confession.'
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
The C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!" The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: "What did you think of that?" Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?" The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a donut."
Engineer Fun
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as 'squawks', submitted by pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve them. (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P - Left inside main trye almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P - Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - Seepage normal, Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist.
She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.
Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?"
"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
The Lone Ranger was captured by an Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning, the Indian Chief says, "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off. Later, to the Chief's surprise, Silver returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said bring posse!"
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
One Liners
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
5. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
6. Great news . . . Virginity can be cured !!!
7. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she... was happy with the Thing......
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Hope this has not been posted already. If it has my apologies.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation a nd, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
' Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence
:lol:
I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
A blonde and a Brunette jump of a bridge, who hits the ground first.
The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Whats blue and smells like red paint?
[size=3pt]Blue paint.[/size]
Originally Posted by Cap-n Meow
A little old lady answered a knock on the
door one day, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could
take a couple of minutes of your time, I would
like t o demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said
the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't
got any money!' and she proceeded to close the
door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot
in the door and pushed it wide open .
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until
you have at least seen my demonstration.' And
with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her ha llway carpet. 'If this vacuum
cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and
said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut
off my electricity this morning.'
A blonde was staring dumbfounded at a rushing river blocking her path. As she wondered how to cross, she saw another blonde on the other side.
She yelled, “Hey, can you help me get to the other side?”
The other blonde replied, “You ARE on the other side!!!!”
Three men had a very late night drinking Molsen Canadians. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
"You think that was drunk?" said the second guy. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
A man says to his wife "your ass is as big as my BBQ grill"
Later..the husband tries to get some
Wife says "I'm not firing up this big ass grill for one little hot dog!!
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