JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

[HippyZippy]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

 

[Chompin]

I hope no one has posted this one yet...

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up six shot of tequila in front of him.  As he is pouring, the bartender says, "What are we celebrating tonight buddy?"

The man calmly replies, "My first blow job."

"Well I tell you what, I will give you a seventh shot, on me," the bartender replies, grabbing another shot glass.

The man looks at him and says, "I appreciate the offer, but if six shots does not take the taste out of my mouth, I doubt another will help."

[HippyZippy]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

[HippyZippy]

There was this Native American boy who was
confused so this is what he asked his mother:
Mom, why is my brother's name Windstorm?

She answered: Because he was conceived during
a wind storm.

Well, why is my sister's name Moon-shine? She
answered again: Because she was conceived when
the moon was shining.

The poor little boy looked sad and confused.

His mother said, ''Why are you so sad and confused
Brokenrubber?''

[HippyZippy]

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

[HippyZippy]

A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[the color nine]

An 18 year old girl was getting ready to go to the gynecologist for the very first time. She was very nervous about it, not knowing what to expect or if the doctor will be male or not.

She gets to the doctor's office and her name is called. To her horror, she sees that the doctor is a man. This makes her even more nervous.

The doctor gets her up into the stirrups and starts poking around. Every time he touched her the doctor would notice her jump and look very nervous and agitated.

"Miss," said the doctor. "I know this is your first visit here and I can see that you are very nervous. To make things easier for you, I'm going to numb you down there, okay?"

The girl looks relieved. "Oh, thank you, doctor, that will help."

So the doctor leans forward, puts his head between her legs, and goes: num num num num num

[the color nine]

A man named Bob, who has lived a very sinful life dies and goes down to hell. As he walks past the gates, he is greeted by a tall brooding man.

"Are you the devil?" the man asked sheepishly.

"I am. I am here to ensure your damnation for eternity for your sins on earth. Since your transgressions were only minor, you are allowed to choose your suffering. Please follow me." he replied.

After walking a short distance down the street they came a house. Inside was a young man being torn to pieces by demons, only to reappear fully formed minutes later and have the process repeated, screaming in agony all the while.

"Is this the damnation you choose?" the devil asked.

"I don't think so, lets keep looking."

The next house the pair entered contained a middle aged man being pecked by crows, in a similar fashion to the first, being unable to end his torment.

"I'm sorry satan, im still not feeling this whole torture thing, can we look at some more?"

The third house they approached, Bob Entered to find a man who looked to be about 75 with an absolutely stunningly gorgeous blond giving him oral sex. Bob was taken by her beauty, she had a perfect ass, gorgeous breasts and she really knew what she was doing.

"Is that what you would prefer?" satan inquired.

"Oh, most definetly, she is gorgeous!"

"Alright" Satan replied, "Sarah, you can leave now."

[the color nine]

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the
Head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Texas , son," the trooper answered.
"When we pull you over in
Texas , you better have your license ready by the time we get to your
car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The
Trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy
his License back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and
taps
On the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the
trooper Smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road
You're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've
Tried that shit with me'

[the color nine]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The Frog said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don’t fucking think so.





Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel down his pants.

Barman says, why the fuck have you got a ship's steering wheel down your pants?


YAAARR, ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!

[the color nine]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[teifl]

The California/Oregon State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Truckee, Kirkwood, and Yosemite areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

[teifl]

A man comes home to find his wife with all her bags packed hopping into a taxi.

"Where are you going?" he asks. "I'm leaving you because you're a pedophile!" she screams.

"Well," he says, "that's an awfully big word for a nine-year-old."

[teifl]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end.
Will always be my very best friend.

Amen.



MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

This doesn't rhyme with anything and I don't give a shit.

Amen

[Cherrypie]

[quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg938091#msg938091 date=1216667604]
A man comes home to find his wife with all her bags packed hopping into a taxi.

"Where are you going?" he asks. "I'm leaving you because you're a pedophile!" she screams.

"Well," he says, "that's an awfully big word for a nine-year-old."
[/quote]

Aw thats bad  :lol: but very funny  :lol:

[Broken Epiphany]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

[teifl]

Upon reaching his seat on the airplane, a man is taken aback to see a parrot sitting next to him. Soon enough, however, he gets used to it. When the stewardess comes around, he asks her politely for a cup of coffee.

Suddenly, the parrot squawks "Get me a whiskey, you bitch!" The stewardess recoils, then rushes off to bring back a whiskey for the parrot. She forgets the man's coffee. The man quietly points this out to her while the parrot drains its glass. She apologizes and starts to leave again. Again the parrot sounds off, "And get me another whiskey, you bitch!" Shaking and upset, the girl returns with another whiskey for the bird. Still no coffee for the man.

Taking a page from the parrot's book, the man tries a different tactic. He growls, "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Where the hell is it? Do I have to go get it myself, you dumb shit?"

Within moments, he and the parrot are seized and flung out of the plane by a couple of huge stewards. As they plummet towards the earth, the parrot turns to the man and squawks, "Jeez, buddy! For someone with no wings, you're a pretty nervy sonofabitch!"

[teifl]

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What's the matter with you are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurdles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

The 2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a huge splat.

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

[teifl]

A scientist from Texas A & M has developed a bra that stops women's breasts from jiggling, and stops their erect nipples from thrusting against the fabric when exposed to cool temperatures.

At a news conference to announce the discovery, a large group of men took the scientist outside and beat the shit out of him.

[HippyZippy]

[quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg942023#msg942023 date=1216950067]
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What's the matter with you are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurdles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

The 2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a huge splat.

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
[/quote]

[Saunofthedead]

What did they call Postman Pat when he retired?

Pat

[Badboi2323]

What did the one boob say to the other boob?...If we don't get some support soon they're gonna think we're nuts!

[Badboi2323]

A man says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms arrived today. I think I'll wear Gold tonight." The wife responds with, "Why don't you wear Silver and cum second for a change!"

[Badboi2323]

A recent survey asked-Why men like blowjobs...12% like the feeling, 8% like the domination, and 80% like the fuckin silence  :lol:

[Badboi2323]

A nwe sudty sowhs 99.9% of ntuarlaly hrony popele cna raed ayntinhg! Yuo honry fcuekr!