JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

[teifl]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great Pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT"

[Vegemite Kid]

> I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
> ~ she called me to get my phone number.
> ~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
> 'concentrate.'
> ~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
> ~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
> ~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
> ~ she tried to drown a fish.
> ~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
> ~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to
> death.
> ~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
> ~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> ~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
> ~she studied for a blood test.
> ~she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> ~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
> ~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
> ~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left'
> she turned around and went home

[teifl]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.

[Shashwoo]

HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in
Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'.

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man.
 
'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. My wife quietly
said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my
wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that, are you friggin crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.' 

[Shashwoo]

...  A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Shashwoo]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

"You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."
She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[Shashwoo]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxidriver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[Shashwoo]

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:
"Take off my dress...."
"Now, take off my bra."
"Next, remove my shoes and socks."
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted:

"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

[Shashwoo]

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
"What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

[Shashwoo]

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says,

"Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Shashwoo]

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?

The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming

[Shashwoo]

Then there was the bloke who......

went to the fancy dress party in his Y-fronts.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked his host.
"A premature ejaculation." he said.  "I just came in my pants!"

[Shashwoo]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court...

The judge says. "You have to make your mind up about the charges. Yesterday you wanted to divorce Minnie for adultary and today you say she is insane"

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was insane, I said that she's f#cking goofy!"

[Shashwoo]

The chicken and the egg are lying in bed...

and the chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ...

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

[Key West Digger]

New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be
kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my
fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals
interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the
following:

______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ __ a Scotch and Soda ______a Bloody Mary
______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster
or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports
page ______Chocolate ______Sex _______MDS Recent Posts

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending
physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point,
it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at
my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good
times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The
patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even
need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy
place PLEASE pass it on!

[Key West Digger]

MORE OF LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
        *    *      *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
          *    *    *    *    *      *    *    *    *    *    *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
          *      *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'  Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'
          *    *    *    *    *    *      *    *    *    *    *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'  His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.  Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

[Key West Digger]

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
'Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later,
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Volpe?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
'You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But
you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go home and behave yourself.'
Johnny walks back to his pew; his friend Nino slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[Key West Digger]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO

THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST

NIGHT ON THE TOWN.  AFTER A FEW DRINKS,

THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL  BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD

GEEZERS AND  WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO

UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN

INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE

SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M  NOT WASTING TWO OF

MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE

DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE
TWO

OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR

BUSINESS.


AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,


YOU KNOW,    I THINK  MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'


'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY
THAT?'


'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL


THE TIME I  WAS LOVING HER.'


HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE.  I


THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD



YOU SAY THAT?

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER

ON  THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE
BITE, THEN

SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE  WINDOW...
TOOK    MY  TEETH  WITH  HER!'

[teifl]

I have CDO.

It's the same as OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order,

like they are supposed to be.


:lol:

[teifl]

I wish my grass was EMO, so it would cut itself.

[sogs]

[quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg929054#msg929054 date=1215998572]
I have CDO.

It's the same as OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order,

like they are supposed to be.


:lol:
[/quote]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[trailerparktrash]

What's green and says 'I'm a frog'?

A talking frog.



What's really sad is that I completely lost it and rolled around on the floor laughing when someone told me this joke.

[Creature Feature]

[quote author=trailerparktrash link=topic=14703.msg929265#msg929265 date=1216008244]
What's green and says 'I'm a frog'?

A talking frog.



What's really sad is that I completely lost it and rolled around on the floor laughing when someone told me this joke.
[/quote]

!!!

[trailerparktrash]

[quote author=Creature Feature link=topic=14703.msg929291#msg929291 date=1216010555]
!!!
[/quote]

I know!!!!

[true_blue_and_gold]

A man walks in to the local bar where he drinks every night.  He settle's in and orders a coke.

"A coke?" the bartender asked in surpirse.  "Why?"

"I don't drink anymore," says the man.  "Last night I blew chunks."

"So what?" says the bartender.  "Every body gets sick once and a while."

"You don't understand," says the man.  "Chunks is my dog."