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Thread: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

  1. #301
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Elegantly_wasted link=topic=14703.msg923069#msg923069 date=1215575398]
    Blow Job
    A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and
    when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to
    her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

    "What? You're crazy!"

    "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem..."

    "No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor..."

    "At this time of the night no one will show up."

    "I've already said NO, and NO."

    "Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."

    "NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

    "My love... don't be like that.."

    At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her
    hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad told you to blow, or
    that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ's sake
    to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

    Hahahahaaaaaaaa    :lol: :lol: :lol:
    [/quote]

    It's a great joke, but mastercard did this in one of its ads.

    And I need to say, E_W you have some really awesome jokes. I need to give you some Karma.
    <br />[quote author=skindeep_curiosity]<br />I&#39;m so glad I love the meat. <br />[/quote]

  2. #302
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=HippyZippy link=topic=14703.msg924224#msg924224 date=1215640169]
    It's a great joke, but mastercard did this in one of its ads.

    And I need to say, E_W you have some really awesome jokes. I need to give you some Karma.
    [/quote]
    I remember that. I was so pissed cause some asshole got credit for 'writing' that commercial when it's just a joke that's probably as old as he/she is. :-P
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  3. #303
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?


    A: Spot.
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  4. #304
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?

    You know she'll swallow.

  5. #305
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

    The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

    The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

    &quot;Where on earth did you get that?&quot; says the bartender.

    The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: &quot;Here. Rub it.&quot;

    So the bartender rubs the lamp &amp; suddenly there's a gust of smoke &amp; a beautiful genie is standing before him. &quot;I will grant you one wish. Just one wish each person is only allowed one!&quot;

    The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says &quot;I want a million bucks&quot; A few moments later a duck walks in the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. pretty soon the entire bar is filled with ducks &amp; they keep coming!

    The bartender turns to the man &amp; says &quot;Y'know,I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks.&quot;

    &quot;Tell me about it!!&quot; says the man, &quot;do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  6. #306
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives.

    By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, &quot;The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.&quot;

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. So, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines, and a box of chocolates.

    You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  7. #307
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Three women escape from prison....one is a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde.

    They run for miles until they come upon an old barn. They decide to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks and decide to put them over their heads for camouflage.

    About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tell his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks.

    The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.

    The deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it, and she said &quot;Woof! Woof!&quot;

    The deputy told the sheriff that there was a dog in the first bag.

    Then he kicked the bag with the brunette in it and she said &quot;Meow! Meow!&quot;

    The deputy reported that there was a cat in the second bag.

    Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again, a little harder, and the blonde said &quot;Potatoes.&quot;
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  8. #308
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    When you're in love, intercourse is called &quot;making love.&quot;

    When it's lust, intercourse is called &quot;screwing.&quot;

    When it's marriage, intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

    :lol:
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  9. #309
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=HippyZippy link=topic=14703.msg924224#msg924224 date=1215640169]
    It's a great joke, but mastercard did this in one of its ads.

    And I need to say, E_W you have some really awesome jokes. I need to give you some Karma.
    [/quote]

    Damn!&nbsp; I don't remember it as an ad.&nbsp; &nbsp; God, I need a life&nbsp; &nbsp; :lol:&nbsp; &nbsp; I'll surf youtube

    and thank you.
    :kiss3:

  10. #310
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A Dangerous Looking Trick!

    A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18&quot; alligator.
    The bartender says, &quot;What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment&quot;.
    The guy tries to explain. &quot;Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it&quot;. He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, &quot;open&quot;.
    The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. &quot;Now watch this&quot;, he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.
    He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
    He then says, &quot;close&quot; and the alligator closes its mouth. &quot;You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?&quot;
    After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say &quot;Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long.&quot;

    :2angry:&nbsp; :lol:

  11. #311
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Finding The Perfect Lover

    A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.
    After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
    He says, &quot;I'm here about your ad.&quot;
    Momentarily taken aback, she says, &quot;Well, how do I know you're loyal?&quot;
    &quot;Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs,&quot; he replies.
    &quot;Well, how do I know you're rich?&quot; she inquires.
    &quot;I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement,&quot; he continues.
    Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, &quot;Well, how do I know you're a good lover?&quot;
    He shrugs, &quot;I rang the doorbell, didn't I?&quot;


  12. #312
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

    So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies &quot;Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.&quot;
    The guy says, &quot;Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.&quot;
    Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, &quot;Wherez zat teeqeelah?&quot; He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
    Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
    The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
    &quot;Now&quot; he says &quot;Where's that woman with the sore tooth?&quot;


    :2grin:

    Nite all&nbsp; :kiss3:

  13. #313
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    I have read through most of the jokes, and I don't think this one was ever posted.... If it was then... enjoy it twice!



    Tennis Elbow

    &nbsp; A man complained to his friend &quot;My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.&quot; &quot;Don't do that,&quot; volunteered his friend &quot;there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.&quot;
    The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

    You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

    That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

    He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

    Your tap water has lead.
    Get a filter.
    Your dog has worms.
    Give him vitamins.
    Your daughter is on drugs.
    Get her in rehab.
    Your wife is pregnant.
    It's not your baby - get a lawyer.
    And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

    <br />[quote author=skindeep_curiosity]<br />I&#39;m so glad I love the meat. <br />[/quote]

  14. #314
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=HippyZippy link=topic=14703.msg924782#msg924782 date=1215662433]
    I have read through most of the jokes, and I don't think this one was ever posted.... If it was then... enjoy it twice!



    Tennis Elbow

    &nbsp; A man complained to his friend &quot;My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.&quot; &quot;Don't do that,&quot; volunteered his friend &quot;there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.&quot;
    The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

    You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

    That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

    He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

    Your tap water has lead.
    Get a filter.
    Your dog has worms.
    Give him vitamins.
    Your daughter is on drugs.
    Get her in rehab.
    Your wife is pregnant.
    It's not your baby - get a lawyer.
    And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.


    [/quote]

    &nbsp; Poor guy!&nbsp; &nbsp; :lol: :lol:

    +1

  15. #315
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a
    table.



    He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

    The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men
    with big feet being well endowed.
    The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out
    to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

    The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

    The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

    Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
    Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

    'Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!'

    :2angry:&nbsp; &nbsp; :lol:





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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Q. How many Freudian therapists does it take to change a light bulb?



    A. One to change the light bulb, and the other to hold the penis... I mean ladder.
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  17. #317
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Banged Up Pirate

    A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. &quot;How did you end up with the peg leg?&quot; he asks.

    The pirate replies, &quot;I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.&quot;

    &quot;Wow!&quot; says the seaman. &quot;What about your hook?&quot;

    &quot;Well,&quot; answers the pirate, &quot;we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand.&quot;

    &quot;Incredible!&quot; says the seaman. &quot;How’d you get the eye patch?&quot;

    &quot;A seagull shit in my eye,&quot; the pirate replies.

    &quot;You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?&quot; the seaman asks.

    &quot;Well,&quot; says the pirate, &quot;it was my first day with the hook.&quot;

  18. #318
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    My Living Will

    Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, &quot;I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.&quot;

    She got up, unplugged the TV, and then threw out my beer. She can be such a bitch sometimes.

  19. #319
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    The Tomato Garden

    An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Vincenzo - I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me. Love, Papa.

    A few days later he received a letter from his son...

    Dear Papa - I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie.

    At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa - Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie.



  20. #320
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Sheep vs. Wife

    One night a man barges into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands in front of his wife.

    &quot;This is the pig I screw when you claim you have a headache,&quot; he says.

    The wife looks at him, half shocked and half confused, and replies, &quot;That's a sheep under your arm.&quot;

    &quot;I wasn't talking to you.&quot;

  21. #321
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

    &quot;Tarzan not know sex,&quot; he replied.

    Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, &quot;Oh.. Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.&quot;

    Horrified, she said, &quot;Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you&nbsp; how to do it properly.&quot; She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. &quot;Here&quot; she said, &quot;you must put it in here!&quot;

    Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge manhood, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

    Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, &quot;What in the Hell did you do that for?!&quot;

    &quot;Tarzan check for bees.&quot;
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  22. #322
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

    They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, &quot;Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad.&quot;

    Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, &quot;Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation.&quot;

    Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, &quot;What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.&quot;
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  23. #323
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

    A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.

    He turns to the woman and says, &quot;Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?&quot;

    The woman replies, &quot; I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.&quot;

    The man, now feeling bad, says, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?&quot;

    &quot;Pepper&quot;, she replies.

    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  24. #324
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Oxymorons


    Act naturally
    Found missing
    Resident alien
    Advanced BASIC
    Genuine imitation
    Airline food
    Good grief
    Same difference
    Almost exactly
    Government organization
    Sanitary landfill
    Alone together
    Legally drunk
    Silent scream
    Living dead
    Small crowd
    Business ethics
    Soft rock
    Butt Head
    Military Intelligence
    Software documentation
    New classic
    Sweet sorrow
    Childproof
    &quot;Now, then ...&quot;
    Synthetic natural gas
    Passive aggression
    Taped live
    Clearly misunderstood
    Peace force
    Extinct Life
    Temporary tax increase
    Computer jock
    Plastic glasses
    Terribly pleased
    Computer security
    Political science
    Tight slacks
    Definite maybe
    Pretty ugly
    Twelve-ounce pound cake
    Diet ice cream
    Working vacation
    Exact estimate
    Microsoft Works


    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  25. #325
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and ask if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . . &quot;I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.&quot; Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

    The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. &quot;Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.&quot; This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. &quot;What's the distance from the earth to the moon?&quot; The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer . . . &quot;What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?&quot;

    The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

    Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde and asks . . . &quot;Well,...so... what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?&quot;

    The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

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