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Thread: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

  1. #276
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Love Handles
    Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she
    found a lantern washed up on the shore.
    She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
    "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
    "No," said the genie, "You have been very bad
    this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
    "Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame,
    because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.
    And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and
    do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want.
    I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.
    Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my
    love handles removed."
    Poof!
    And just like that......

    her ears were gone.

    :oops:

  2. #277
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Prisoner
    As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just
    gotten out of prison?"

    "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex
    from the rear?"

    "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front
    of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
    Don't smite me - I couldn't resist       

  3. #278
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    GINGER
    A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.
    This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
    They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
    The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
    thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains
    are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
    decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
    It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot.
    Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father
    looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet,
    and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
    The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
    A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
    This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
    The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"
    Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!"
    A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
    This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with
    a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father
    looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
    "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she
    shits all over you!"


    :2thescream:

  4. #279
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    BAG
    A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter,
    I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a
    million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
    The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's
    only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
    The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The
    boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a
    mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over
    her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an
    original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a
    ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the
    hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get
    me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she
    gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he
    hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the
    bag."


    :2eyesbleed:

  5. #280
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Blow Job
    A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and
    when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to
    her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

    "What? You're crazy!"

    "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem..."

    "No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor..."

    "At this time of the night no one will show up."

    "I've already said NO, and NO."

    "Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."

    "NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

    "My love... don't be like that.."

    At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her
    hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad told you to blow, or
    that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ's sake
    to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

    Hahahahaaaaaaaa    :lol: :lol: :lol:

  6. #281
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

    "Al, what do you believe in?"

    Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

    God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

    God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

    Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

    God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

    God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

    "I believe you're in my chair."
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  7. #282
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Grilling
    Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when
    Ted looks over at his wife and says: "You're butt is getting
    really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the
    barbecue."
    With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
    grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
    his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider
    than the barbecue!!!" The wife chose to ignore her husband.
    Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky.
    He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him
    off.
    "What's wrong?" he asks.
    She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
    big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

  8. #283
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    The monkey
    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
    he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
    some
    olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
    them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
    sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows
    it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just
    did?"
    The guy says "No, what?"
    He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
    in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
    ate, then leaves.

    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
    orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
    While
    the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
    the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted.
    "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies
    the guy.
    "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and
    ate it!" said the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
    everything
    in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures
    everything first.


    :lol:

  9. #284
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Q: How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three - one to change the bulb, and two to crack under the pressure.

  10. #285
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    BIKER CLUB
    A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

    She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
    with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

    She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

    The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
    requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a
    bike?"

    The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
    Harley parked in the driveway.

    The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

    The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and
    a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

    The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
    Fuzz?"

    The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
    been swung around by my nipples a few times."

  11. #286
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Ren link=topic=14703.msg923116#msg923116 date=1215577394]
    Q: How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three - one to change the bulb, and two to crack under the pressure.
    [/quote]
    I don't get it.
    Do any get falsely accused of rape?
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  12. #287
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    so a man walks into a bar with an Octopus.  He sets the Octopus on the bar and exclaims that this octopus can play any instrument placed in front of it.  So he begins to take bets...
    someone comes in with a guitar and the octopus picks it up and plays it better than any rocker ever.
    someone comes in with a drum set, and the octopus slithers up to it, grabs the drumsticks and rocks out on the drums.
    someone brings in a clarinet, and again, the octopus pulled it up to his small octopus lips and plays it beautifully.
    so then someone brings in a set of bagpipes.
    The octupus slithers up to it, begins to feel it with its tentacles, but doesnt play it.  After a few minutes, the man whispers to him "hey octopus, whats up, play it, we got money riding on this"
    and the octopus replies "Play IT???!?!? when i learn how to get it's pajamas off, im gonna FUCK it!!!!"

    :2tongue:

  13. #288
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Ron_NYC link=topic=14703.msg923121#msg923121 date=1215577520]
    I don't get it.
    Do any get falsely accused of rape?
    [/quote]

    Only the Al Gore eco-bulbs.
    I'm pretty sure rape is among their many offenses.
    Also the rest of the normal light bulbs don't even care that the stripper lightbulb turned out to be a liar because the expensive and ultimately worthless Al Gore lightbulbs are still complete dicks.

  14. #289
    Ik achukmo-Tikba-Kafi Beth-Deth's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Elegantly_wasted link=topic=14703.msg923119#msg923119 date=1215577424]
    BIKER CLUB
    A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

    She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
    with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

    She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

    The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
    requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a
    bike?"

    The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
    Harley parked in the driveway.

    The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

    The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and
    a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

    The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
    Fuzz?"

    The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
    been swung around by my nipples a few times."
    [/quote]


    I LOVE LOVE LOVE this joke!!!

    "The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."

  15. #290
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A Duke family of basketball supporters headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy’s birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a UNC jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Tarheel and I would like this UNC jersey for my birthday.”
    His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him in the head and says, “Go talk to mother.”
    Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?”
    “Yes son?”
    “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Tarheel and I would like this jersey for my birthday”.
    The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, “Go talk to your father!”
    Off he goes with the UNC jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?”
    “Yes son?”
    “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Tarheel and I would like this jersey for my birthday.”
    The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!”
    About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says, “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?”
    The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.”
    “Good son, what is it?”
    The son replies, “I’ve only been a UNC fan for an hour and I already hate you fuckers.”

  16. #291
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

    Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

    The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

    They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  17. #292
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

    :2tongue:

  18. #293
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Three women are seated in the doctor's office waiting room one day.
    The doctor calls the first one in. When he examines her, he sees a big "Y" on her chest. He asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"
    She replies, "That's from my boyfriend's sweater. You see, my boyfriend went to Yale, and when we make love he likes to wear his Yale sweater."
    "I see," the doctor says. He completes her examination and then calls in the next woman. When he examines her, he sees a big "H" on her chest.
    Again, the doctor inquires about the letter. "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" he asks.
    The woman replies, "That's from my husband's sweater. He went to Harvard, and when we make love he likes to wear his Harvard sweater."
    The doctor nods his head and completes her examination. He then calls in the last woman. She also has a letter on her chest, a big "M."
    "Don't tell me," he says. "Your boyfriend went to Michigan!"
    "No," she says. "My girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

  19. #294
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    After his day's sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious- looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
    He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
    The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
    Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
    The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
    The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
    The next morning, the American returned and placed his order. That evening, he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
    The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"

  20. #295
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange
    Officer: May I see your driver's license
    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle
    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
    Officer: The car is stolen.
    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box
    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK!!
    Driver: Yes, sir.
    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation
    Captain: Sir, can I see your license
    Driver: Sure. Here it is.
    It was valid.
    Captain: Who's car is this?
    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk I was told you said there's a body in it.
    Driver: No problem.
    Trunk is opened; no body.
    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

  21. #296
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    50 Fun Things to do When Salespeople Call

    1. Tell them they must have the wrong number, only God lives here.
    2. When they call back, tell them this is the devil's residence.
    3. Tell them s/he can't come to the phone right now as they are in deep
    meditation and may stay that way for days.
    4. Start telling them about the wonderful encyclopedias you have in stock.
    5. Start telling them your life story.
    6. Tell them about your intense hatred for salespeople, then ask where they
    live.
    7. Reply to all their questions in song.
    8. Ask for someone who can translate Pig Latin, as you speak no other
    language.
    9. Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house - preferably under five.
    If no such person is available, give the phone to a pet.
    10. As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking
    relentlessly.
    11. Start trying to give them a psychological analysis.
    12. Demand that they refer to you as Dr. Chopstick.
    13. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning.
    14. Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today.
    15. Describe your socks in detail.
    16. Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster.
    17. Whiningly tell them that it is past your bedtime.
    18. Midway through the conversation say, "Oh no Phil! You've done it again!
    I told you that knife was too sharp! Where are we going to get the money for
    another funeral?"
    19. Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes.
    20. Refuse to answer any of their questions, as they may be one of THEM!
    21. Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender
    later tell them they were wrong.
    22. Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat
    some more.
    23. Burst into tears when they try to hang up and scream, "Don't leave me!"
    24. Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door.
    25. When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that
    really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it
    occasionally.
    26. Proudly explain that they are the first person that you have spoken to
    since you returned to Earth.
    27. In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme
    song, when they try to speak sound surprised and say, "Is someone there?"
    28. Begin snoring.
    29. Gleefully explain that "they" have come for you and that you are going to
    a better place.
    30. Start screaming whenever they say the word "that."
    31. Say, "I am so glad you called, I have been waiting and waiting to hear
    from you!"
    32. Answer every question with the phase, "I like eggs."
    33. Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?"
    34. Tearfully explain "It's you, my long last sister/brother!" as soon as
    they identify themselves.
    35. Complain to them about how outrageous it is that you have to take time
    out of your busy day to breathe.
    36. Start reading them some of your poetry.
    37. Occasionally start singing commercial jingles.
    38. Suggest that the two of you get together sometime and go bowling.
    39. Go into detail about the government's plot to overthrow the universe.
    40. Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of
    their living room.
    41. Discuss what a wonderful world it would be if we were all born with
    tails.
    42. Whenever they try to get a word in babble on about how young people these
    days talk way too much, and don't respect their elders. (Works best if they
    are clearly older than you.)
    43. During complete silence ask them if they hear that pounding noise.
    44. Make loud pounding noises and when they ask about them say "What pounding
    noises?"
    45. Tell them to hold on a second, set down the phone and sing loudly.
    46. Insist on calling them Mr. Spock.
    47. Ask them if they will get you a birthday present.
    48. Tell them you can't talk now, as you are trapped in an invisible box.
    49. Beg them to dispose of your dentist, who is involved in a secret plot
    that shall result in your demise.
    50. Pretend to be an answering machine.

  22. #297
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!



    Sex Definitions

    Sex in a boat = Oargasms
    Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
    Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
    Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
    Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
    Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
    Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
    Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
    Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
    Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
    Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
    Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
    Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
    Sex while broke = Poorgasms
    Sex with a lion = Roargasms
    Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
    Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
    Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
    Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
    Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
    Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
    Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
    Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
    Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
    Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
    Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
    Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
    Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
    Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
    Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
    Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
    Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
    Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
    Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
    Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
    Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
    Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
    Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
    Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
    Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
    Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
    Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
    Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
    Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
    Sex while flying = Soargasms
    Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
    Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
    Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
    Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
    Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
    Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
    Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
    Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
    Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
    Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
    Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
    Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
    Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
    Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
    Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
    Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
    Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
    Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
    Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
    Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
    Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
    Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
    Sex without a climax = Nogasms



  23. #298
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Viagra Wife Diary

    This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

    Day 1
    Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.



    Day 2
    Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.



    Day 3
    This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.



    Day 4
    A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.



    Day 5
    What absolute bliss!!.



    Day 6
    Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.



    Day 7
    This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.



    Day 8
    I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.



    Day 9
    No time to write. He might catch me.



    Day 10
    Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....



    Day 11
    I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.



    Day 12
    I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
    become dangerous...



    Day 13
    Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.



    Day 14
    I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!



    Day 15
    I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.



    Day 16
    The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.



    Day 17
    Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!



    Day 18
    He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!


  24. #299
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Different Asses

    Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

    (_!_)    A regular ass

    (__!__)    A fat ass

    (__)(__)    A "wide load" ass

    (!)    A tight ass

    (_*_)    A sore ass

    {_!_}    A swishy ass

    (_o_)    An ass that's been around

    (_x_)    Kiss my ass

    (_X_)    Leave my ass alone

    (_zzz_)    A tired ass

    (_E=mc2_)    A smart ass

    (_?_)    Dumb ass

    (_Lame_)    Lame ass

    (_jack_)    Jackass

    (_-$_)    Cheap ass

    (_0_)    A Prison ass

    (_)    Half ass

    (®^®)    Registered ass

    (__|___)    Lop sided ass

    (_:_)    2 holed ass

    (_O_)    Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)

    (Mom)(__)    Tattooed ass

    (_)||(_)    Fucked ass

    ()()    Ass print on a window

    ( * * )    Ass with dimples

    (_X X_)    A kicked ass

    (_%_)    An average ass

    (_$_)    A rich ass

    [_!_]    A hard ass

  25. #300
    Senior Member Elegantly_wasted's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!



    The Swearing Pianist

    This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."


    The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

    "Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

    "Pardon?" says the manager.

    "Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

    "Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

    "Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

    "Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

    "I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

    The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

    "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

    "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

    The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

    "And what's this called?" asks the manager.

    "As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

    The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

    This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

    "Where's that bloody pianist?"

    He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

    "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

    "Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"



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