JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

[Elegantly_wasted]

Dangerous discipline
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[teifl]

Not sure if this one has been posted yet. Sorry if I repeat any. This one cracked me up.




A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor Party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher." 

[Elegantly_wasted]

Heaven's rule
Three old friends pass away together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they arrive, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in Heaven... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, one of the friends accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman the man has ever seen.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second friend accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first friend.

The third friend observes all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any duck but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on... a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The man asks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The women replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[teifl]

[quote author=Elegantly_wasted link=topic=14703.msg922389#msg922389 date=1215553790]
Heaven's rule
Three old friends pass away together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they arrive, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in Heaven... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, one of the friends accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman the man has ever seen.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second friend accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first friend.

The third friend observes all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any duck but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on... a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The man asks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The women replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[/quote]


:lol: :lol:

[teifl]

There are two brothers, aged four and six.

The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."

The four year old says "OK."

The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"

The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"

The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."

WHACK!

The kid goes flying across the room.

The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."

[Elegantly_wasted]

[quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg922354#msg922354 date=1215552663]
Not sure if this one has been posted yet. Sorry if I repeat any. This one cracked me up.




A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor Party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher." 

[/quote]

great one!    :lol: :lol:

[amberdorkface]

3 nuns decided that they didnt want to be nuns anymore. so they went to the head nun and asked what they need to do to not be nuns.

she said you need to do something very unholy. so the next day the head nun asked the first nun what she did. she said "i stole a little kid's bike" the head nun said "that is unholy, you are no longer a nun. go drink the holy water"

then she asked the second nun what she did. she said "i slept with a married man" the head nun said "that is unholy, you are no longer a nun. go drink the holy water"

then the head nun asked the final nun what she did and she said "i pissed in the holy water"

[Cherrypie]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all
three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their
eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me
and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love
all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for
the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in
the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[Cherrypie]

Man gets home, switches on TV and shouts to wife, 'bring me a beer before it starts'! She fetches one and he drinks it down before shouting, 'bring me a beer before it starts'! She brings another and he swigs it down. Then he shouts, 'bring me another beer before it starts'! She shouts, 'you lazy, fat bastard, you come in and sit on your fat arse and expect me to wait on you'? 'Thats it' he says, 'its started'!

[Cherrypie]

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......!!!!!!!!

========================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because I was trying to breathe!

[Beth-Deth]

[quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg922390#msg922390 date=1215553911]

:lol: :lol:
[/quote]

[quote author=Elegantly_wasted link=topic=14703.msg922477#msg922477 date=1215557027]
great one!    :lol: :lol:
[/quote]

Thanks so much you guys for keeping this thread alive! I love jokes, and think we could all use a laugh every now and then.


INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

[Monter]

[quote author=Beth-Deth link=topic=14703.msg922552#msg922552 date=1215559846]
Thanks so much you guys for keeping this thread alive! I love jokes, and think we could all use a laugh every now and then.


INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.


[/quote]
I LOVE that one!!
Ive seen it where at the end, to contrast is
Instructions to give dog a pill
1. get pill
2.wrap pill in cheese
3.feed to dog
:lolL

[Nomad]

What did one Dead Head say to the other Dead Head when they ran out of weed?
"Jesus Christ, this band sucks."


Dirty Johnny catches his father opening a prophylactic.
He says, "What are you doin', Pop?"
His father says, "Son...uh...son, I'm going to try to catch a rat."
Johnny says, "Yeah? What are you going to do when you catch it? Fuck it?"


A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

Why'd the pothead cross the road?
Who else would follow a chicken?

[true_blue_and_gold]

[quote author=Nomad link=topic=14703.msg922586#msg922586 date=1215560496]
What did one Dead Head say to the other Dead Head when they ran out of weed?
"Jesus Christ, this band sucks."
[/quote]

:lol:

[Elegantly_wasted]

[quote author=Nomad link=topic=14703.msg922586#msg922586 date=1215560496]
What did one Dead Head say to the other Dead Head when they ran out of weed?
"Jesus Christ, this band sucks."


Dirty Johnny catches his father opening a prophylactic.
He says, "What are you doin', Pop?"
His father says, "Son...uh...son, I'm going to try to catch a rat."
Johnny says, "Yeah? What are you going to do when you catch it? Fuck it?"


A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

Why'd the pothead cross the road?
Who else would follow a chicken?
[/quote]

Little/Dirty Johnny never changes    :lol:

[Fleta]

There was once a horse and a chicken who lived on a farm owned by a very rich man. The two of them were the best of friends and did everything together. One day, they were taking a walk by the lake, and the horse fell into the water. The horse screamed for the chickens help, but he was too small to pull him out. So the chicken ran back to the farm and got the farmers convertible so he could pull the horse out. The horse was very grateful and promised he would do anything for him.

A few days later, the two went for another walk by the lake, but this time the chicken fell into the water. The chicken screamed for the horses help. The horse didn't know what to do until he looked down at his dick. He told the chicken to grab his dick to pull him out and the chicken was very grateful.

The moral of the story is:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a nice car to pick up chicks!!

[Ron_NYC]

A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.

Upon examination, he sees that it's a genie's lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, "I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish."

The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said, "It's been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? It's called the Middle East and it's a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but I'd like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East."

The genie looked disappointed. He said, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into this part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good.

I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Have you another wish?"

"Well," said the man. "If I can't do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men. I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women."

The genie replied, "let me see that map again."

[Elegantly_wasted]

Last Wednesday night I was sitting in my room watching television, when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around ten."

There was a confused silence on the other end.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. So I replied, "Yes, it is. D'you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at ten."

A shocked voice now, "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded, "Who the hell is Jennifer?!"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at ten. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she's very upset and that I want him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

CLICK

[Ron_NYC]

Hahaha. When I get a wrong number, I tell them the person they're asking for died. :-D

[Elegantly_wasted]

Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

[turtleande]

[quote author=Ron_NYC link=topic=14703.msg922939#msg922939 date=1215570767]
Hahaha. When I get a wrong number, I tell them the person they're asking for died. :-D
[/quote]

Oh, man, you're so going to hell.

[size=5pt]I'll have to remember that one.[/size]

[Elegantly_wasted]

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Tramp!  :lol:

[Elegantly_wasted]

A guy starts talking to two blondes in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins, connected at the hip, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone!"

So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'll remember us?"

[Elegantly_wasted]

What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
Bingo.



  :2wave:

[Ron_NYC]

[quote author=Elegantly_wasted link=topic=14703.msg922963#msg922963 date=1215571224]
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Tramp!  :lol:
[/quote]
$80/hr? Have his number?

[quote author=turtlenads link=topic=14703.msg922948#msg922948 date=1215570954]
Oh, man, you're so going to hell.

[size=5pt]I'll have to remember that one.[/size]
[/quote]
Meh. The only time I feel bad is when it's an older person.
I don't wanna be responsible if their heart can't handle the news of Birdie's passing.