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Thread: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

  1. #1451
    Senior Member animosity's Avatar
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    hmmmm. i wonder what a condom for ducks would look like. not sure if that joke is more funny or less funny given that i've seen duck dicks and they are terrifying.
    Quote Originally Posted by songbirdsong View Post
    "Say, you know who could handle this penis? MY MOTHER."

  2. #1452
    Senior Member M Joy's Avatar
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  3. #1453
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
    WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
    How'd you die?
    SYLVIA: I froze to death.
    WANDA: How horrible!
    SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
    What about you?
    WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
    SYLVIA: So, what happened?
    WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
    I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
    I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
    SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

  4. #1454
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    Google+ Joke of the Day
    Shared publicly - 11:55 AM

    When It's more than a fart...
    http://bit.ly/1a78p8x


  5. #1455
    Chin Checker g r ee n ey e s's Avatar
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    Mehhh, this isn't really a joke.. but I guess this is the most appropriate place.

    Rules For Men

    For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get Any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the Game is played.

    Here is a guide to the points system:
    Simple Duties
    You make the bed +1
    ... but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
    You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
    You leave the toilet seat up -5
    You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
    When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
    When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
    You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
    ... in the snow +8
    ... but return with beer -5
    ... and no liners -25
    You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
    ... and it is nothing 0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
    ... you pummel it with a six iron +10
    ... it's her cat -40
    At the Party
    You stay by her side the entire party 0
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
    ... named Tiffany. -4
    ... Tiffany is a dancer -10
    ... with breast implants -18
    Her Birthday
    You remember her birthday 0
    You buy a card and flowers 0
    You take her out to dinner 0
    You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
    Okay, it is a sports bar -2
    And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
    It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10
    A Night Out With The Boys
    Go with a pal 0
    The pal is happily married +1
    The pal is single -7
    He drives a Porsche -10
    With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED) -15
    A Night Out With Her
    You take her to a movie +2
    You take her to a movie she likes +4
    You take her to a movie you hate +6
    You take her to a movie you like -2
    It's called Death Cop 3 -3
    Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9
    You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
    Your Physique
    You develop a noticeable pot belly -15
    You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it +10
    You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
    You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -800
    The Big Question
    She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding. -10
    You reply, "Where?" -35
    You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" -100
    Any other response -20
    Communication
    When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression 0
    ... you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
    ... you relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50
    ... your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?" -50
    ... you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +100
    She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep -200


    Quote Originally Posted by MoonDancer View Post
    And apparently you fuck the mods here.

  6. #1456
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by g r ee n ey e s View Post
    Mehhh, this isn't really a joke.. but I guess this is the most appropriate place.

    Rules For Men

    For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get Any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the Game is played.

    Here is a guide to the points system:
    Simple Duties
    You make the bed +1
    ... but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
    You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
    You leave the toilet seat up -5
    You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
    When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
    When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
    You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
    ... in the snow +8
    ... but return with beer -5
    ... and no liners -25
    You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
    ... and it is nothing 0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
    ... you pummel it with a six iron +10
    ... it's her cat -40
    At the Party
    You stay by her side the entire party 0
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
    ... named Tiffany. -4
    ... Tiffany is a dancer -10
    ... with breast implants -18
    Her Birthday
    You remember her birthday 0
    You buy a card and flowers 0
    You take her out to dinner 0
    You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
    Okay, it is a sports bar -2
    And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
    It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10
    A Night Out With The Boys
    Go with a pal 0
    The pal is happily married +1
    The pal is single -7
    He drives a Porsche -10
    With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED) -15
    A Night Out With Her
    You take her to a movie +2
    You take her to a movie she likes +4
    You take her to a movie you hate +6
    You take her to a movie you like -2
    It's called Death Cop 3 -3
    Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9
    You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
    Your Physique
    You develop a noticeable pot belly -15
    You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it +10
    You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
    You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -800
    The Big Question
    She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding. -10
    You reply, "Where?" -35
    You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" -100
    Any other response -20
    Communication
    When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression 0
    ... you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
    ... you relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50
    ... your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?" -50
    ... you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +100
    She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep -200
    You'll find this in chapter 2000, page 5788, fifth paragraph.


  7. #1457
    Chin Checker g r ee n ey e s's Avatar
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    Hey, it's kinda true though!!


    Quote Originally Posted by MoonDancer View Post
    And apparently you fuck the mods here.

  8. #1458
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    Really not about Obamacare

  9. #1459
    fun hater Shins's Avatar
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    That was unfunny, and slightly creepy.
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Listen, if no one cares when a crazy noodle walks in and executes children with a gun, no one cares about anything.

  10. #1460
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shins View Post
    That was unfunny, and slightly creepy.
    Most right-wing attempts at humor are. Either weird, or outright mean.
    http://www.newshounds.us/2006/09/22/...o_be_funny.php



    Also:


    The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, "I want one of them there day-vorces."

    The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?"

    The farmer said, "Yes, I have 140 acres."

    The lawyer said, "No you don't understand. Do you have a case?"

    The farmer said, "No, I have a John Deere."

    The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a grudge?"

    The farmer said, "Yes, that's what I park my John Deere under every night."

    The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a suit?"

    The farmer said, "Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday."

    The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?"

    The farmer said, "No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning."

    The lawyer said, "Is she a nagger?"
    0
    The farmer said, "No, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngin' she had was a nagger. That's why I want a day-vorce."
    Last edited by Ron_NYC; 10-01-2013 at 02:39 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  11. #1461
    wibbly wobbly timey wimey Seraphim's Avatar
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    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
    hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
    cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....

    Now give me back my dog.

  12. #1462
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    Thought about putting this in the Tits and Ass thread, but then we would need to change the seconds to days....

    Last edited by Key West Digger; 11-02-2013 at 04:29 PM.

  13. #1463
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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  14. #1464
    What do you care? Boston Babe 73's Avatar
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    Dolly Parton and the Queen of England both die at the same time, freak accidents. They both end up at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Sorry ladies, but there's only one spot left in heaven. You must each show me something of worth so that I can decide which of you gets to enter ".

    So Dolly lifts her shirt to show off her obvious attributes. St. Peter was impressed! Meanwhile, they notice the Queen..... Douching. Saint Peter says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! "

    The Queen replies "Well.... A royal flush beats a pair, right? "
    Quote Originally Posted by Nic B View Post
    That is too pretty to be shoved up an ass.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nic B View Post
    You can take those Fleets and shove them up your ass



  15. #1465
    Senior Member animosity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boston Babe 73 View Post
    Dolly Parton and the Queen of England both die at the same time, freak accidents. They both end up at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Sorry ladies, but there's only one spot left in heaven. You must each show me something of worth so that I can decide which of you gets to enter ".

    So Dolly lifts her shirt to show off her obvious attributes. St. Peter was impressed! Meanwhile, they notice the Queen..... Douching. Saint Peter says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! "

    The Queen replies "Well.... A royal flush beats a pair, right? "
    jesus christ! i started reading this post without looking at the thread title and almost had a heart attack thinking both dolly and the queen had kicked it!

    i almost ran off to google without finishing the sentence.
    Quote Originally Posted by songbirdsong View Post
    "Say, you know who could handle this penis? MY MOTHER."

  16. #1466
    What do you care? Boston Babe 73's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by animosity View Post
    jesus christ! i started reading this post without looking at the thread title and almost had a heart attack thinking both dolly and the queen had kicked it!

    i almost ran off to google without finishing the sentence.
    OMG
    Quote Originally Posted by Nic B View Post
    That is too pretty to be shoved up an ass.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nic B View Post
    You can take those Fleets and shove them up your ass



  17. #1467
    Senior Member Caffeinatedkat's Avatar
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    My Facebook and private messenger are blowing up LOL I decided this April fools I was going tell everybody that my daughter was pregnant LOL so far no one has figured out


    Mommy to: Misty-Allison-Elliot-Sebastian-Quinn
    And our newest rugrat MISS MARLEE!!!

  18. #1468
    Senior Member M Joy's Avatar
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    That's not funny to me and millions of women dealing with pregnancy loss and infertility


  19. #1469
    fun hater Shins's Avatar
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    Yeah I don't find fake pregnancy announcements funny at all. Aside from anything PC, they're just old news.
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Listen, if no one cares when a crazy noodle walks in and executes children with a gun, no one cares about anything.

  20. #1470
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    Last edited by Key West Digger; 12-01-2015 at 10:08 AM.

  21. #1471
    fun hater Shins's Avatar
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    Lol except there's no way her dick was that big. If she still has it, idk.
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Listen, if no one cares when a crazy noodle walks in and executes children with a gun, no one cares about anything.

  22. #1472
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    After 30 years of looking...


  23. #1473
    Southern Undertaker Key West Digger's Avatar
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    This was in my Facebook feed...


  24. #1474
    Senior Member nclexusgirl's Avatar
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    Oh but there is more...

    I can be your *ADDICTION* if you wanna get hooked on something!!

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