One night, after watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?', a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky.
He asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"
She said, "Yes."
"Okay then, I'd like to phone a friend," he replied.
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"
Me: Knock, Knock
Kid Sister: Who's there?
Me: Bulldozer
KS: Bu-
Me: MOOOOO (zzzzzzzz....)
New Years Resolutions for Pets
1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
8. Always scoot before licking.
9. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
12. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"
Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".
"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"
"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.
"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"
****
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
****
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
I have my timer set for 1 hour. Haven't heard Little Johnnie joke in a while.
[quote author=Key West Digger link=topic=14703.msg1494004#msg1494004 date=1262486111]
I have my timer set for 1 hour. Haven't heard Little Johnnie joke in a while.
[/quote]
I take that as if you want more .....yes?
:lol:
More....just for you. :2wave:
****
Earless Baby
Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad mentioned that if he so much as hinted anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The new mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be in trouble if he needed glasses!"
****
Big Words
Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick out some big words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?"
"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it was not OK to go outside and play. Then he went out to play"
"Very Good Jenny!"
Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands. "Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed.
Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead Johnny" she says.
"Harassment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said no, but harassment yes!"
****
Animal Identification
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck?
What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard
Forest Gump had a near-death experience that changed him forever. He went horseback riding one day and everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get any worse, his foot became caught in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce harder as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness ... a thoughtful K-Mart manager came out and pulled the plug.
****
There were three men who died and before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter."
So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."
So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter."
So God made him a woman.
****
Three buddies die in a car and go to heaven for an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!'"
****
A guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven where he meets God. God says to him, "I have looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition."
The man said, "Yes, God. And what is that condition?"
God says, "You must spell the word: love."
The man spells the word and God lets him into heaven.
As the man walks in, God tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word.
After a short period of time, the man's wife shows up at the gate.
"What are you doing here?" he asks her.
"Well," she snorts, "on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and I died."
"Alright, but before you enter heaven you have to spell one word," he told her.
"What word is that?" she asks.
"Czechoslovakia," he says.
Man, that one crazy yard man. Is that before or after you call him in for some Missouri Iced Tea?
A man and his wife are having sex. They're going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly they hear a noise. It's
their little son, Timmy, standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room.
The father sighs,"I'll go talk to Timmy".
He goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door and little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma. He turns to see the father and little Timmy says "Not so fuckin' funny when it's
your mother, now is it?".
[quote author=Key West Digger link=topic=14703.msg1494049#msg1494049 date=1262492506]
Man, that one crazy yard man. Is that before or after you call him in for some Missouri Iced Tea?
[/quote]
more like 'Long Island iced tea!' :lol:
[quote author=Seraphim link=topic=14703.msg1494063#msg1494063 date=1262494664]
A man and his wife are having sex. They're going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly they hear a noise. It's
their little son, Timmy, standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room.
The father sighs,"I'll go talk to Timmy".
He goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door and little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma. He turns to see the father and little Timmy says "Not so fuckin' funny when it's
your mother, now is it?".
[/quote]
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Unusual Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
I dunno if this is a joke a russian writer wrote it some where and I cracked up when i read it ,here goes
"A russian man does n`t understand or know why he hits his wife
..............but she does!!"
( shit I HOPE I dn`t get slammed by all the feminists now)
Living Will
I, __________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine
Sex
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
chocolate
Chicken fried steak
cream gravy
chocolate
Sex
Mexican food
chocolate
French fries
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of tea
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
****
Too late to mourn ...
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why
did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
E_W, I know I'm slow, but I'm guessing you like #1) chocolate and #2)sex. Tell me where to send the care package! Chocolate not a problem, but I may not be able to find a male blowup doll.
A Proper Goldfish Burial
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
****
Rest In Peace
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new
business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
****
Funeral Service For The Living Dead
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying thecasket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
[quote author=Key West Digger link=topic=14703.msg1494216#msg1494216 date=1262533787]
E_W, I know I'm slow, but I'm guessing you like #1) chocolate and #2)sex. Tell me where to send the care package! Chocolate not a problem, but I may not be able to find a male blowup doll.
[/quote]
That's okay, just don't forget the beer. :lol:
[quote author=Elegantly_wasted link=topic=14703.msg1494219#msg1494219 date=1262534122]
That's okay, just don't forget the beer. :lol:
[/quote]Make mental note to self-sex replaced by beer.
Buried in a Blue Suit
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker "Wonderful,wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?".
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the undertaker through her tears....
He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"
****
Funeral Expenses
A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all of the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.
The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow replied, "Three carats."
****
Witty Tombstones
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The
Good Die Young.
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me
for not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont
:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing
on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent ..
Until I know which way you went.
Time to start work. Have a warm one........
[quote author=Elegantly_wasted link=topic=14703.msg1494219#msg1494219 date=1262534122]
That's okay, just don't forget the beer. :lol:
[/quote]
Your signature picture mkes me think of what Ron would be like if he lived in the burbs and not NYC! :lol:
I'm not cool enough to have one of the MDS signature pics, so I'll use this...
[quote author=One Man Media Mafia link=topic=14703.msg1494256#msg1494256 date=1262541521]
Your signature picture mkes me think of what Ron would be like if he lived in the burbs and not NYC! :lol:
[/quote] :lol: :lol:
Well now that I'm getting older I'm no longer going to email. I'm an "old fashion" person that believes in snail mail and will be using the new stamps issued by the Post Office.
Just lick and.....
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