YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...
* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."
* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.
* His spoon bending requires two pliers.
* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."
* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."
* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."
* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
I used to hate going to weddings. All the old dears would say, "you're next." They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
[quote author=GothaBella link=topic=14703.msg1456992#msg1456992 date=1259166512]
I used to hate going to weddings. All the old dears would say, "you're next." They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
[/quote]
:lol:
Originally Posted by bowieluva
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, woman!? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you fucking crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, I feel fine."
"What about the wooden Leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the Pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, a lost the leg, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight and my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"Well what about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
“Now I know you're kidding me," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook."
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?" "About 2,000 feet," the eagle says. The mouse replies, "2000 feet!? You ain't shittin' me, are you?"
http://instantrimshot.com/
This is actually by Nocturnity:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Dog left alone with child! beware!!!!
Please read!!!
If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category and you have a child or have a child visiting, please take this as a warning.
Don't leave your dog with a small child unattended under any circumstances!!!
Only one little moment was enough for the following to happen.
See the photo below .....
Thank you,
The Dog :-)
What does Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common?
They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian.
An old cowboy sat down in a city McDonald's and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking-in horse, droving cattle, riding in rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, marking and branding calves, cleaning hay sheds, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so, yeah, I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "Well I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy, like, from the west?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little twelve year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman says "Hello son. Is your mum or dad home?" Little boy says "What the fuck do you think?"
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
Why wedding dresses are white....
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!
IT'S AEVEN BRAVER ONE WHO POSTS IT
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Janey "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
Not wanting to explain purity, Mom says "Well, it represents her happiness on her special day."
Janey: "So why's the groom wearing black?"
New Yorker
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured
by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the
bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going
to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you,
eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.
The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives
him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself
through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the
chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head,
says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." the chief is puzzled,
but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker
takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--
the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's
blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what
are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid
fuck!"
Insults
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, tanned and muscular. St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the distance a fine looking young lassie. After building up as much courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her if should would like to dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight in the eye and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" to which she, she not altogether unsurprisingly, replies, "You certainly can not!"
He nonchalantly turns to her and says, "Oh it must be your feet then."
"Teeth" :2wave:
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"HELL NO," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
[size=20pt]New wine for Seniors...[/size]
[size=15pt]I kid you not..... [/size][size=15pt]New Wine for Seniors[/size][size=15pt]California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.[/size][size=20pt]PINO MORE[/size][size=15pt]I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE[/size]
Not really a joke but oddly touching
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
[quote author=yellowCake1 link=topic=14703.msg1478017#msg1478017 date=1260970443]
Not really a joke but oddly touching
[/quote]
very.
[size=20pt]Why NFL quarterbacks need to keep their names short.[/size]
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