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Thread: Jade Richardson (26) died from a drug overdose and she asked to be submitted to MyDeathSpace in the event of her passing

  1. #51
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    There's a lot I can say about Jade, not all of it is the greatest, but most of it is. We got off on a bad start but eventually became really good friends despite the bullshit everyone threw our way. Jade & I shared the same love for SPM, as cute and innocent as we may look - there's some south side ghetto in us as well. I sure will miss those random messages where one of us would send a line of a verse and the other would reciprocate the next.
    I always admired Jade for her bright eye shadow, her clumpy mascara and her ability to laugh about everything, even the shittiest of situations. I remember back when we'd get stoned and she'd go on and one about some random shit as I'm trying to follow but I never could figure out where she would come up with things, the weirdest things, the weirdest scenarios and just look at you and laugh and say "right?!" No Jade, I have no fucking clue what you're talking about or what the hell made you think of that. I'm going to miss those conversations too. When she lived in Austin she had this roommate, really shitty girl from what I heard. Jade told me she would leave the girls milk out over night then before she woke up she'd put it in the fridge. Or one time she put oil in her shampoo so her hair would always be nasty, and I'm pretty sure at one point she put nair in there. Some people might think that is shitty but I thought it was hilarious. I would laugh and quote SPM "Cuz my revenge, it tastes so sweet, I gotta do what my friends would do for me." I just loved how weird she was about everything, even the shittiest things. I'm totally rambling now, but after nearly 10 years of friendship I have so many memories that pop in my head. And She. Did. Not. Give. A. Damn. what anyone thought, for the most part.
    I'm going to miss the conversations that start with "Please don't judge me but...." Obviously she knew I wouldn't judge her, I always told her I wouldn't and that no matter what I still loved her. I've made mistakes, I've done shit I regret and done things that hurt others. I don't believe that defines a person, I think it just makes us human.
    When I think about Jade, I think about her laughter, her colorful make up and hair, she was someone that was literally so different then everyone else. I know its cliche to say She was one of a kind, but she really was.
    I'll never forget that day, April 18. I dropped to my knees, there's no way this could be real. I didn't know when I got to her house that she was still there. Watching them bring her out in a bag will forever be burned in my brain. But its so weird its like two separate people, if that makes sense? There was Jade, and then there was Jade who died of an overdose. Oddly to me it doesn't seem like the same person. I just hope and wish everyone remembers Jade for the person she was, not what she did that took her from us. I hope they remember her as the bubbly, sarcastic, dark yet bright person she was. & I don't care what anyone says, she loved her two children so much it hurt.
    I find myself going to text her or message her some stupid shit, or making fun of someone, or just random stuff - then it hits me, and it hits me hard. You know like when you get hit in the stomach and you lose your breath for a second? Its like that. Luckily if I want to talk to some weirdo person that can make me laugh, and has that awkward personality like Jade, I have Stephanie.
    I'm not really sure how these posts work, and I apologize if I rambled about shit but I just hope anyone that reads this, paints the picture of Jade and the person she was.

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jesslynnxox View Post
    When I think about Jade, I think about her laughter, her colorful make up and hair, she was someone that was literally so different then everyone else. I know its cliche to say She was one of a kind, but she really was.
    I'll never forget that day, April 18. I dropped to my knees, there's no way this could be real. I didn't know when I got to her house that she was still there. Watching them bring her out in a bag will forever be burned in my brain. But its so weird its like two separate people, if that makes sense? There was Jade, and then there was Jade who died of an overdose. Oddly to me it doesn't seem like the same person. I just hope and wish everyone remembers Jade for the person she was, not what she did that took her from us. I hope they remember her as the bubbly, sarcastic, dark yet bright person she was. & I don't care what anyone says, she loved her two children so much it hurt.
    I find myself going to text her or message her some stupid shit, or making fun of someone, or just random stuff - then it hits me, and it hits me hard. You know like when you get hit in the stomach and you lose your breath for a second? Its like that. Luckily if I want to talk to some weirdo person that can make me laugh, and has that awkward personality like Jade, I have Stephanie.
    I'm not really sure how these posts work, and I apologize if I rambled about shit but I just hope anyone that reads this, paints the picture of Jade and the person she was.
    Happy to serve as your replacement awkward weirdo, lol. 😉

    It was so strange, how you contacted me that day, right in the middle of everything, even though we hadn't talked in a good while; I automatically assumed that you knew, and that was why you were messaging. I'll never forget you asking me how bad it was, when I told you to call. It all fell so perfectly into place so that you and Alli would meet, and be able to support each other, as you all did your best to support me.

    You guys were instrumental in helping me get through that first couple of weeks, and I am so grateful for you guys. Who would've imagined that you, the girl with the "bad aura" (what was it Jade said? Your ugly yellow aura, lol?) would end up being one of her best friends, through literally her entire life, helping her mother get through her funeral, lol?

    You've been a huge comfort to me, just as you were to Jade, and I am counting on you to stick around and help me keep her alive for her kids. There are only so many people that have the ability to do that for them, to share her deep love for them, her stories, her sense of humor, who and how she was, and you are one of those people. Thank God, considering some of the alternatives I'd be left with, if not for you, Alli, etc. 😂

  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jesslynnxox View Post
    When she lived in Austin she had this roommate, really shitty girl from what I heard. Jade told me she would leave the girls milk out over night then before she woke up she'd put it in the fridge. Or one time she put oil in her shampoo so her hair would always be nasty, and I'm pretty sure at one point she put nair in there. Some people might think that is shitty but I thought it was hilarious. I would laugh and quote SPM "Cuz my revenge, it tastes so sweet, I gotta do what my friends would do for me." I just loved how weird she was about everything,
    Reminded me of this conversation I had with her.


  4. #54
    Senior Member queenaevadamthng's Avatar
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    Stephanie, you have my deepest sympathies. No parent should have to bury a child. I can't imagine the loss you are feeling. Every parent wishes they could have a close relationship with their child. It sounds like you made the most of the time you had with her. My heart truly goes out to you.


    "Theoretical physics can prove that an elephant can hang from a cliff with its tail tied to a daisy. But use your eyes, your common sense".... JIM GARRISON

  5. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by queenaevadamthng View Post
    Stephanie, you have my deepest sympathies. No parent should have to bury a child. I can't imagine the loss you are feeling. Every parent wishes they could have a close relationship with their child. It sounds like you made the most of the time you had with her. My heart truly goes out to you.
    Thank you. I think that's one of the hardest things about dealing with addiction; no, I didn't get to make the most of my time with her. No one did. I spent a lot of time feeling frustrated and angry, because those feelings are easier to deal with than the fear and pain are, and there was a certain point where I had to build a wall and sort of emotionally protect myself, because I was trying to raise two other kids and it was too much to carry around all the time; the constant worry and terror.

    And then I would have to deal with this horrible guilt, because who wants to emotionally distance themselves from their own child, no matter how old they are, you know? Many times, I did not know how to be firm without seeming to be cold; my only self-protection was that distance. Now I carry the weight of wondering whether or not she knew how very much I loved her, wanted better for her, how much it killed me for her to be in pain and to be so completely powerless to do anything about it.

    But I am constantly reminding myself of what I know to be the truth; that everything I have done in my life has been with nothing but my kids best interests at heart. I know that I did my best. Even during those times when my best may not have been good enough, I know that I was still doing my best. No one can do more than that, I guess.

    But, yes, losing a child is unimaginable. There truly aren't words that can describe it. The one thing I always felt sure would destroy me is exactly what has happened. And yet, somehow, I am still standing. Still carrying on. Still living. I don't know whether it's scary or empowering to feel like there is nothing left to fear in life, but it's how I feel. I have literally endured every single thing in life that I have ever been afraid of. And many things I never knew I needed to be afraid of.

    Now I just have to decide whether to give in to the urge to sort of hide for the rest of my life, cave in to this feeling of being permanently broken, and build my world around never rocking the boat, never risking anything else, or whether I might take all of this shit and do SOMETHING with it, something that will matter somehow, something that will change the world. Or at least help a few people, lol.

    Everything in me wants to hide.

    So I suppose I would have to take that back; there is something I am still afraid of, to a certain degree. That this "strength" that everyone else seems to see in me (which I've always seen as being mere survival) will make it so that I'm not satisfied with hiding.

    Not sure whether or not that makes sense, but there it is.

    I still can't believe that she is gone. Just.. gone. And I have no idea what to do with this huge empty space that's left.

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    Quote Originally Posted by stephanie_says View Post
    Happy to serve as your replacement awkward weirdo, lol. 😉

    It was so strange, how you contacted me that day, right in the middle of everything, even though we hadn't talked in a good while; I automatically assumed that you knew, and that was why you were messaging. I'll never forget you asking me how bad it was, when I told you to call. It all fell so perfectly into place so that you and Alli would meet, and be able to support each other, as you all did your best to support me.

    You guys were instrumental in helping me get through that first couple of weeks, and I am so grateful for you guys. Who would've imagined that you, the girl with the "bad aura" (what was it Jade said? Your ugly yellow aura, lol?) would end up being one of her best friends, through literally her entire life, helping her mother get through her funeral, lol?

    You've been a huge comfort to me, just as you were to Jade, and I am counting on you to stick around and help me keep her alive for her kids. There are only so many people that have the ability to do that for them, to share her deep love for them, her stories, her sense of humor, who and how she was, and you are one of those people. Thank God, considering some of the alternatives I'd be left with, if not for you, Alli, etc. 😂
    I'm always going to be here. I'm a call away, wish we lived closer but we will for sure get together one of these days. And I thank you for leading me to this site. I have so much I want to say, so much to vent and finally somewhere to do it with people who get it. <3

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    I've been thinking about this thread a lot since my first post. Its so therapeutic, oddly enough. And here I thought I should go back to my counselor, HA!
    Stephanie posted the song LUNA by The Smashing Pumpkins to Jade's facebook today. Holy Shit. How is it that certain songs, certain smells, certain words in conversation can make you think of random memories or people or just random shit. Anyway, it brought back all these memories of an apartment my ex and I had in Tomball. Jade and her ex, which is my ex's best friend, who (my ex) is also Jade's ex, lol, we all lived in this apartment for a few months together after Jade and (said ex) moved back to Texas. She was pregnant with Luna. Today is my late best friend, (like what the fuck, all these close people to me keep dying). But its my friend Breanna's birthday, or would be. I found out she died October 18, 2009. Jade was with me that Sunday I got out of my bed and went to the living room. I told her something isn't right, I feel really weird like somethings wrong. I just realized Breanna & Jade both died on the 18th, both from drugs. Unfortunately I didn't find out til the following Wednesday that Breanna died. Jade was there for me when I flipped shits. I still have this fucked up anxiety I don't really talk about to many people. I'm not very open about it, but she gets it. Here this pregnant girl is trying to calm me and my attack hugging me and telling me shes so sorry. She's always known I've had this terrible fear of death and still do. It freaks me out, now I'm on this MYDEATHSPACE, LOL.
    Anyway, I'm not really sure what I was getting at here, I just had all of this weighing on me today. I'm not sure if I believe in the heavens or where you go when you die. But I'd like to think today these two ladies, Jade & Breanna - oh, by the way I was with Breanna when I met Jade, lol. They knew each other from middle school....I'd like to think they're somewhere together having a gay ol time.

  8. #58
    Senior Member Boston Babe 73's Avatar
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    Jesslyn, I'm so happy you found this space to be able to vent and talk about them. The name "Mydeathspace" tends to be a turn off and give people the wrong idea. The majority of us have lost loved ones in tragic ways and it's meant to be a place for people to discuss it openly with others that understand. Death has long been viewed as a taboo subject in this country in particular and much of the Western world when it should be openly discussed.

    You're welcome to share as much as you want and know that people are reading and relating to every word. There are many songs that remind me of loved ones lost and when they randomly pop up I almost feel like they're sending me a sign.

    People come in to our lives for a reason. It's beautiful to cherish their memory because they've all helped to mold us in to who we are today. It doesn't matter how they passed, all that matters is the people they've touched and made better while they were here
    Quote Originally Posted by Miller22 View Post
    I thought the exact same thing. Poor Brennen Tammons.
    Oh well, back to gum.
    ....or exchanging Puke's wang for spicy nuts.
    Quote Originally Posted by animosity View Post
    I know, right? What the fuck, puke? Willing to take in Boston, an Irish dude and like, 17 dogs but not Ron? poor Ron.

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    I didn't think I'd be back on here mainly because I didn't know what else I could say. However, something really unexpected happened to me, and I thought I'd share. Since my post a few weeks ago, not only did Jade's mom forgive me, but actually befriended me.

    I'll be honest. I didn't see that coming.

    Please know that I am eternally grateful for the kind words from PeaceBeWithYou and Boston Babe. It's funny. Intellectually, I always knew that I was not responsible for Jade's death. That much was obvious. But it never made the pain or the guilt just magically go away. I could never write off her life as a sunk cost or the emotional pain as someone's else's to bear. I told this to Stephanie privately, but I'll say the same here. I felt like I needed her permission first before I could forgive myself. The more I read of Stephanie's posts, the worse I felt about who I am as a person. The more I read, the more I thought, "I contributed to this? I enabled her? I gave her drugs?"

    Holy shit, no. Just...no. That can't be me as a person, can it?

    Mentally, I'm in a far better place than I was when I first posted. Not only have I gained forgiveness and friendship, but also I'm coming around to understanding why Jade and I were drawn to each other in the first place. We are both addicts. I've never said that to anyone until just now, but it's true. I can't speak for Jade, obviously, but I used for acceptance from others. I couldn't get acceptance from my career. I couldn't really get acceptance socially. I couldn't get acceptance romantically. But with cocaine I got the latter two immediately "fixed."

    I've come to respect the fact that yes, I'm broken. We're all a little broken in some way. I'm beginning to make some peace with all of this, to understand that, at my core, I'm not a bad person, and I'm hardly a murderer. But I admit it: This isn't easy at all.

    I got to thinking about the final parole scene in Shawshank Redemption. The scene where Red (Morgan Freeman) sits in front of the parole board after 40 years in prison for murder. I think about that scene now as it relates to the nights Jade and I did cocaine.

    "Not a day goes by where I don't feel regret," Red said. "I look back on the way I was then. A young, stupid kid...I want to talk to him. Talk some sense into him."

    "But I can't."

    But I can't. I want to go back, and tell Jade how much her family loves her. I want to go back, and explain that there can be a new chapter written in that journal. It's the chapter where she wins, she proves them wrong, and stands triumphant over addiction. I want to go back so that she can see her kids, her friends, her brothers and her mom. I want to go back to explain that there's a better way than destroying yourself slowly to addiction.

    But I can't. The best I can do is work with the knowledge I have now, the knowledge I continue to gain, and to support others as well. And I'm doing so in a quiet way.

    I celebrated my 39th birthday on Friday. A few weeks prior, I got a notice from Facebook asking if I wanted to raise money for my favorite charity for my birthday. I chose Austin Pets Alive, a no-kill animal shelter here in Austin. I chose that based on the night I wrote about upthread where Jade took care of the orphaned cat. That was my own private way of honoring my favorite memory of her. It raised $390. I also have a literary idea I'm working on that would integrate social media.

    Furthermore, based on my conversations with Stephanie, I'm starting to seriously believe in an afterlife. I didn't find out about Jade's death until the day this thread started, and from what I've learned, it seems that there's a connected energy in all of this. To all those that said a prayer for me, thank you. I am indebted to you. And to Stephanie, you already know how much your forgiveness and friendship means to me, but I still can't believe this is a reality. I am grateful for you. I felt so much shame, and I was starting to go down a terrible path. Thank you for reaching out to me, and pulling me back.

    Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of all things. Let's all be there for each other. Thank you.

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    Thank you for that! I was thinking of her again earlier scrolling through instagram and clicked on her profile. I clicked the message button and didn't realize I had sent her a video April 17 at 4:44 and she never read it.
    You know how people say there are stages of grief? I have lost a few people that I was really close with and loved dearly and people always say there are stages. Right now I feel mad at her, almost don't even want to admit it but I do. Like all I can think is, "what the fuck, Jade?" I'm pretty sure I sent that message to her the day after she died.
    I know people aren't supposed to grieve forever, and I've had other people I've known that pass and its like oh, man thats sad but the few others that I loved, like Jade its like an ongoing thing, if that makes sense....7th grade was my first experience of a close friend, she died of an aneurism, at 19 my best friend Breanna of overdose, 21 my boyfriend tragic accident, 25 one of my dear friends (I actually found out the day of Jade's viewing the REAL reason he died, apparently everything we were told was a cover story), and now Jade. I was in different places in life, different ages, I think you cope with things differently as you grow. I just feel guilty for feeling mad now...mad at her. And I'd like to say, well its not her fault, but it actually kinda is, there's no way around that.

    Thank you all for listening/reading!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jesslynnxox View Post
    Thank you for that! I was thinking of her again earlier scrolling through instagram and clicked on her profile. I clicked the message button and didn't realize I had sent her a video April 17 at 4:44 and she never read it.
    You know how people say there are stages of grief? I have lost a few people that I was really close with and loved dearly and people always say there are stages. Right now I feel mad at her, almost don't even want to admit it but I do. Like all I can think is, "what the fuck, Jade?" I'm pretty sure I sent that message to her the day after she died.
    I know people aren't supposed to grieve forever, and I've had other people I've known that pass and its like oh, man thats sad but the few others that I loved, like Jade its like an ongoing thing, if that makes sense....
    Makes perfect sense. There are some people who are much closer to our hearts in different ways, they impact our lives in a different way, so that their presence is more deeply felt, and missed. I don't imagine I will ever stop missing her for even a second, for the rest of my life. I might not fall apart and start sobbing every single time I think of her, but I feel sure that I will always feel the weight of her absence, and I will always long to have her here. I will always miss talking to her, and hearing her laugh. I will always wish that there were more of it to come, or to keep.

    As far as being mad at her, I've been mad at her for years, lol. I've been mad that I couldn't fix things for her, mad that she couldn't fix things for herself, mad that other people tried to fix things for her, mad that I was always feeling so mad, and mad at all the times she had the nerve to be mad at me, lol.

    But at the bottom of all the anger, squished down so that you don't notice it as much as when the anger isn't there, is the real emotion, the one that hurts so much, it's easier to feel the anger and let that dull all the rest. It's just raw pain and sadness. And once we get through that and learn to really accept that there is always going to be a bit of sadness and pain that we carry as a result of her absence, then we don't have to feel angry, if that makes sense. It's so powerful, though, the entire process, being broken and attempting to recover and rebuild, but it's all a reflection of how much she was loved.

    Funny thing is, in my head, I think almost the exact same thing, literally. "What the fuck, Jade???"

  12. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by sowb.5151 View Post
    I didn't think I'd be back on here mainly because I didn't know what else I could say. However, something really unexpected happened to me, and I thought I'd share. Since my post a few weeks ago, not only did Jade's mom forgive me, but actually befriended me.

    I'll be honest. I didn't see that coming.

    Please know that I am eternally grateful for the kind words from PeaceBeWithYou and Boston Babe. It's funny. Intellectually, I always knew that I was not responsible for Jade's death. That much was obvious. But it never made the pain or the guilt just magically go away. I could never write off her life as a sunk cost or the emotional pain as someone's else's to bear. I told this to Stephanie privately, but I'll say the same here. I felt like I needed her permission first before I could forgive myself. The more I read of Stephanie's posts, the worse I felt about who I am as a person. The more I read, the more I thought, "I contributed to this? I enabled her? I gave her drugs?"

    Holy shit, no. Just...no. That can't be me as a person, can it?

    Mentally, I'm in a far better place than I was when I first posted. Not only have I gained forgiveness and friendship, but also I'm coming around to understanding why Jade and I were drawn to each other in the first place. We are both addicts. I've never said that to anyone until just now, but it's true. I can't speak for Jade, obviously, but I used for acceptance from others. I couldn't get acceptance from my career. I couldn't really get acceptance socially. I couldn't get acceptance romantically. But with cocaine I got the latter two immediately "fixed."

    I've come to respect the fact that yes, I'm broken. We're all a little broken in some way. I'm beginning to make some peace with all of this, to understand that, at my core, I'm not a bad person, and I'm hardly a murderer. But I admit it: This isn't easy at all.

    I got to thinking about the final parole scene in Shawshank Redemption. The scene where Red (Morgan Freeman) sits in front of the parole board after 40 years in prison for murder. I think about that scene now as it relates to the nights Jade and I did cocaine.

    "Not a day goes by where I don't feel regret," Red said. "I look back on the way I was then. A young, stupid kid...I want to talk to him. Talk some sense into him."

    "But I can't."

    But I can't. I want to go back, and tell Jade how much her family loves her. I want to go back, and explain that there can be a new chapter written in that journal. It's the chapter where she wins, she proves them wrong, and stands triumphant over addiction. I want to go back so that she can see her kids, her friends, her brothers and her mom. I want to go back to explain that there's a better way than destroying yourself slowly to addiction.

    But I can't. The best I can do is work with the knowledge I have now, the knowledge I continue to gain, and to support others as well. And I'm doing so in a quiet way.

    I celebrated my 39th birthday on Friday. A few weeks prior, I got a notice from Facebook asking if I wanted to raise money for my favorite charity for my birthday. I chose Austin Pets Alive, a no-kill animal shelter here in Austin. I chose that based on the night I wrote about upthread where Jade took care of the orphaned cat. That was my own private way of honoring my favorite memory of her. It raised $390. I also have a literary idea I'm working on that would integrate social media.

    Furthermore, based on my conversations with Stephanie, I'm starting to seriously believe in an afterlife. I didn't find out about Jade's death until the day this thread started, and from what I've learned, it seems that there's a connected energy in all of this. To all those that said a prayer for me, thank you. I am indebted to you. And to Stephanie, you already know how much your forgiveness and friendship means to me, but I still can't believe this is a reality. I am grateful for you. I felt so much shame, and I was starting to go down a terrible path. Thank you for reaching out to me, and pulling me back.

    Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of all things. Let's all be there for each other. Thank you.
    This is kind of what it's all about, to me. This post, and this entire thread, is an amazing and powerful tribute to Jade, and I know that she would have loved everything about it.

    I have more to say, but I can't quite put it into words just yet, and I didn't want to leave your post unacknowledged. I just need to process my thoughts a bit before I commit them to the enternal memory of the internet, lol.

    In the meantime, just know that our conversations have been just as healing and meaningful for me, and I appreciate you, as well. 🙂

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    Senior Member PeaceBeWithMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sowb.5151 View Post
    I didn't think I'd be back on here mainly because I didn't know what else I could say. However, something really unexpected happened to me, and I thought I'd share. Since my post a few weeks ago, not only did Jade's mom forgive me, but actually befriended me.

    I'll be honest. I didn't see that coming.

    Please know that I am eternally grateful for the kind words from PeaceBeWithYou and Boston Babe. It's funny. Intellectually, I always knew that I was not responsible for Jade's death. That much was obvious. But it never made the pain or the guilt just magically go away. I could never write off her life as a sunk cost or the emotional pain as someone's else's to bear. I told this to Stephanie privately, but I'll say the same here. I felt like I needed her permission first before I could forgive myself. The more I read of Stephanie's posts, the worse I felt about who I am as a person. The more I read, the more I thought, "I contributed to this? I enabled her? I gave her drugs?"

    Holy shit, no. Just...no. That can't be me as a person, can it?

    Mentally, I'm in a far better place than I was when I first posted. Not only have I gained forgiveness and friendship, but also I'm coming around to understanding why Jade and I were drawn to each other in the first place. We are both addicts. I've never said that to anyone until just now, but it's true. I can't speak for Jade, obviously, but I used for acceptance from others. I couldn't get acceptance from my career. I couldn't really get acceptance socially. I couldn't get acceptance romantically. But with cocaine I got the latter two immediately "fixed."

    I've come to respect the fact that yes, I'm broken. We're all a little broken in some way. I'm beginning to make some peace with all of this, to understand that, at my core, I'm not a bad person, and I'm hardly a murderer. But I admit it: This isn't easy at all.

    I got to thinking about the final parole scene in Shawshank Redemption. The scene where Red (Morgan Freeman) sits in front of the parole board after 40 years in prison for murder. I think about that scene now as it relates to the nights Jade and I did cocaine.

    "Not a day goes by where I don't feel regret," Red said. "I look back on the way I was then. A young, stupid kid...I want to talk to him. Talk some sense into him."

    "But I can't."

    But I can't. I want to go back, and tell Jade how much her family loves her. I want to go back, and explain that there can be a new chapter written in that journal. It's the chapter where she wins, she proves them wrong, and stands triumphant over addiction. I want to go back so that she can see her kids, her friends, her brothers and her mom. I want to go back to explain that there's a better way than destroying yourself slowly to addiction.

    But I can't. The best I can do is work with the knowledge I have now, the knowledge I continue to gain, and to support others as well. And I'm doing so in a quiet way.

    I celebrated my 39th birthday on Friday. A few weeks prior, I got a notice from Facebook asking if I wanted to raise money for my favorite charity for my birthday. I chose Austin Pets Alive, a no-kill animal shelter here in Austin. I chose that based on the night I wrote about upthread where Jade took care of the orphaned cat. That was my own private way of honoring my favorite memory of her. It raised $390. I also have a literary idea I'm working on that would integrate social media.

    Furthermore, based on my conversations with Stephanie, I'm starting to seriously believe in an afterlife. I didn't find out about Jade's death until the day this thread started, and from what I've learned, it seems that there's a connected energy in all of this. To all those that said a prayer for me, thank you. I am indebted to you. And to Stephanie, you already know how much your forgiveness and friendship means to me, but I still can't believe this is a reality. I am grateful for you. I felt so much shame, and I was starting to go down a terrible path. Thank you for reaching out to me, and pulling me back.

    Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of all things. Let's all be there for each other. Thank you.
    This is beyond lovely. I wish everyone well in your journey forward. This has been an amazingly uplifting thread - and we don't get to see those all too often here - so I feel really blessed to be able to witness this.


    Quote Originally Posted by marshmallow View Post
    did you make her into a wallet Bill? cuz if you did I'm off team Bill.

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    This thread is a beautiful thing. Even in death Jade is bringing people together. I loved that obituary, and wish you all peace and love. <3

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    Quote Originally Posted by shelbytwist View Post
    This thread is a beautiful thing. Even in death Jade is bringing people together. I loved that obituary, and wish you all peace and love. <3
    Thank you. 💕

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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBeWithMe View Post
    This is beyond lovely. I wish everyone well in your journey forward. This has been an amazingly uplifting thread - and we don't get to see those all too often here - so I feel really blessed to be able to witness this.
    Thank you. I agree, and I'm so relieved and happy that it's turned into exactly what I wanted for her. Honest, loving, and meaningful. She would be so pleased by all of it. 🙂

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    I'm so sorry you've lost your child, because she was and will always be your child. You and she were blessed to have had each other and to have shared so much together. My heart hurts for you.
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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    Quote Originally Posted by MNKBLTS View Post
    I rarely post on here, but I am tearing up. This thread was beautiful. Jade sounds absolutely beautiful. I am so so sorry for everyone's loss. Addiction is so tough. Ive lost both my Dad and Grandpa to addiction and I even dealt with it myself when I was younger. I also LOVE that you guys are stoked on being "weird". Weird people are my fav. I get so excited when I meet new people that I can just sense are different.
    Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad and your grandfather. I'm glad to hear that you have managed to overcome your own issues with addiction, though, because, yeah, as you are clearly aware, addiction is a nightmare to deal with, for all involved.

    As far as the weird thing goes.. At a certain point, I think you have to embrace what you're unable to change, lol. People have said I was weird my entire life, but I could never tell what it was that I was doing or saying or thinking that would be considered weird, so I couldn't stop being that way, even if I wanted to. I figure that there will always be people who need everyone else to be the same as they are, and then there will always be people who appreciate others specifically for the ways that they are different. I'm obviously always going to be stuck with the latter.

    As are all of my children, apparently, lol.

    I guess the reason I fail to recognize it is because I don't usually think of it as "weird". I think of it as "funny". 😏

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    This is the thing Jade wrote about me that her friend had framed for me after she died. I read it every single day when I pass by it, and pray that it's how she truly felt.


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    Quote Originally Posted by marshmallow View Post
    I'm so sorry you've lost your child, because she was and will always be your child. You and she were blessed to have had each other and to have shared so much together. My heart hurts for you.
    Thank you. As I've said, having her changed my life, changed who I am as a person, and taught me so much. I can only hope that I offered her half as much as she offered me, and that I will be able to take the gifts that having her granted me, and use them in some way that will make enough of a difference so as to be on behalf of both of us, if that makes sense.

    As Jessica mentioned, earlier in the thread, I had posted the song "Luna" to Jade's Facebook last week, after hearing it in my car. I had always been told that Luna had been named after the song, but the song never had much meaning to me beyond that and the fact that I love the Smashing Pumpkins

    As I was driving, though, I began really listening to it, and it took on this whole other meaning; I ended up having to pull over because I was crying so hard. The part of the song that got me says:

    "What moon songs do you sing your baby?
    What sunshine do you bring?
    Who belongs? Who decides who's crazy?
    Who rights wrongs while others cling?

    I'll sing for you.. if you want me to.."

    I was crying in that moment for Jade, and for Luna, and for all the songs that she will not be here to sing to her babies, and for myself, honestly, because the weight of that responsibility, to try and make up for her absence and to keep her alive for her kids, to be everything I can be for them (when I feel so completely broken and when seeing them hurts my heart as much as it fills it) is huge, and I have to be up for all of it. I have to gather myself together and do what she will never be able to do. And I just hope and pray that I'm able to do enough, and be enough, that Jade would be happy and proud. 😕

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    *le sigh* 😔

    Jade and I were never extremely close friends but throughout our life we have hung out with the same people, shared common interests and talked about current living situations.

    Something that I cared about deeply was her relationship with her daughter. I pushed her to be involved because I knew she had her demons, but with positivity, hope, determination and a shove in the right direction she could have overcome them for at least a little while longer. There was a conversation once where she told me how much she wanted to come back home, to be near her daughter, friends and family and have a support system. She was dealing with a lot emotionally and financially. At the time I didn?t truly realize how deep she was in her addictions. I knew she dabbbled in drugs, I had even used her as a connection once or twice. I knew the influencers and had seen the relationships she had and put two and two together but I never addressed the addictions, I never wanted her to feel attacked or put down. I only ever spoke about living for her daughter and being the best version of herself.

    It?s hard because at one point in my life, I probably felt the way she did. I would have escaped all of my problems by drinking and doing drugs. Just to deal. I would go to a comfort zone of smoking, drinking, and avoiding the shame, hang out with the same people who never pushed me to be better. Stephanie mentioned shame earlier in this thread and she is spot on... I couldn?t have said it better myself.

    It was really hard to not feel terrible. The last time I spoke to Jade I had only asked for her number. I heard that she moved back to Houston and I was so happy for her, words can?t even express... I asked for her number thinking about how we could start hanging out more. I have my own kids and for whatever reason, I thought to myself: if only she hung out with the RIGHT people. People who have been in her shoes, who have overcome, to see a family in its natural habitat? (I said that with an australian accent btw). She needed better examples.

    It?s hard to not feel like this was someone else?s fault. The enablers, the assholes who pushed her away and tore her down. But the addiction wasn?t anyone?s fault but her own. I wish that I would have reached out to her and called her, even just texting her that day I got her number and saying ?hey, it?s Brit, text me whenever! Let?s hang out with the kids!?

    I always talked about her and her daughter to my boyfriend. I talked about her struggles and how even though I?m mutual friends with her ex and her I have always been ?Team Jade?. How I felt that if only she was able to be more involved in her daughter?s life, her world could have be a little brighter.

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    *le sigh* 😔

    Jade and I were never extremely close friends but throughout our life we have hung out with the same people, shared common interests and talked about current living situations.

    Something that I cared about deeply was her relationship with her daughter. I pushed her to be involved because I knew she had her demons, but with positivity, hope, determination and a shove in the right direction she could have overcome them for at least a little while longer. There was a conversation once where she told me how much she wanted to come back home, to be near her daughter, friends and family and have a support system. She was dealing with a lot emotionally and financially. At the time I didn?t truly realize how deep she was in her addictions. I knew she dabbbled in drugs, I had even used her as a connection once or twice. I knew the influencers and had seen the relationships she had and put two and two together but I never addressed the addictions, I never wanted her to feel attacked or put down. I only ever spoke about living for her daughter and being the best version of herself.

    It?s hard because at one point in my life, I probably felt the way she did. I would have escaped all of my problems by drinking and doing drugs. Just to deal. I would go to a comfort zone of smoking, drinking, and avoiding the shame, hang out with the same people who never pushed me to be better. Stephanie mentioned shame earlier in this thread and she is spot on... I couldn?t have said it better myself.

    It was really hard to not feel terrible. The last time I spoke to Jade I had only asked for her number. I heard that she moved back to Houston and I was so happy for her, words can?t even express... I asked for her number thinking about how we could start hanging out more. I have my own kids and for whatever reason, I thought to myself: if only she hung out with the RIGHT people. People who have been in her shoes, who have overcome, to see a family in its natural habitat? (I said that with an australian accent btw). She needed better examples.

    It?s hard to not feel like this was someone else?s fault. The enablers, the assholes who pushed her away and tore her down. But the addiction wasn?t anyone?s fault but her own. I wish that I would have reached out to her and called her, even just texting her that day I got her number and saying ?hey, it?s Brit, text me whenever! Let?s hang out with the kids!?

    I always talked about her and her daughter to my boyfriend. I talked about her struggles and how even though I?m mutual friends with her ex and her I have always been ?Team Jade?. How I felt that if only she was able to be more involved in her daughter?s life, her world could have been a little brighter.

    I hated that at times she was painted in a negative light. I understand when people have issues and you can?t handle them or understand it yourself but bashing someone for their shortcomings and struggles is low. How are they supposed to get better if you are constantly telling them what a piece of shit they are? How does that make you better? You?re like the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum. Fuck you for that. But it?s still not entirely their fault. It?s not my fault that I didn?t reach out to her either... and it?s hard to not overwhelm her daughter with love and care.

    For Jade?s funeral I made an Alice in Wonderland inspired bouquet 💐 and some of those ?eat me/drink me? jars and gave them to her daughter. I just wanted her to see that there are a lot of people who loved and cared about her mother AND her. I?m glad that all of us who were close have kids. That we can make plans in the future to hang out and hopefully our kids can grow up together in some form or fashion. To see our kids become mini versions of ourselves (but new and improved versions LOL). Just to be close to her daughter would keep a piece of Jade alive for me.

    Okay, I?m about to start crying at work so I?ll stop for now.

    I miss you Jade.

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