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Thread: Jade Richardson (26) died from a drug overdose and she asked to be submitted to MyDeathSpace in the event of her passing

  1. #26
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    So very sorry for your loss Stephanie.

    RIP Jade

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    You can tell us about her any time u wish too. I?ll read it ❤️

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    Quote Originally Posted by stephanie_says View Post
    Thank you all. In real life, it feels like people are either over the subject, don't know how to respond to the subject, or they are going so far out of their way to make sure that I am busy, distracted, getting out of the house, eating, meeting other people with dead kids, etc., etc., that I end up feeling like I have to act like it's all working magically, just so I don't need to comfort THEM, lol. It's awesome to have this little space that specifically exists, just to talk about Jade. I've invited her friends to post, as well, because when Jade's kids get old enough to google her (any time now), I want their stories, my stories, to be what pulls up for them first in those search results, not just a few examples of some of the negative repercussions of her addiction.
    Here at mds, we know you never get "over" the death of a child, no matter their age or the circumstances of their death. And like you, I think that this thread may come in handy if and when the children start to search and discover. They will find your amazing posts about their mother, and hopefully see the truth in other family members, perhaps for the first time.

    And we will be right here to support you.
    Don't like what I have to say? I respect that. Go fuck yourself.

  4. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by kevansvault View Post
    Here at mds, we know you never get "over" the death of a child, no matter their age or the circumstances of their death. And like you, I think that this thread may come in handy if and when the children start to search and discover. They will find your amazing posts about their mother, and hopefully see the truth in other family members, perhaps for the first time.

    And we will be right here to support you.
    Thank you for both of your messages. I have always loved it here because of the wit of so many of the members, and because of some of the fascinating conversations and debates that can occur with certain deaths. I never expected to find it (or need it) as a safe place of comfort and healing. I know that's part of the point, but I don't see too many people using it for that. It's often angry tirades, drama, attention whores, etc. But I have to say, it truly has been a comfort for me, and I hope it will be for her kids, her friends, and other family, as well, as soon as they post, or have their posts approved or whatever. Thank you, all of you, for being there to read about and find it within yourselves to care about people you've never even met, and those they left behind.

  5. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by stephanie_says View Post
    Thank you for both of your messages. I have always loved it here because of the wit of so many of the members, and because of some of the fascinating conversations and debates that can occur with certain deaths. I never expected to find it (or need it) as a safe place of comfort and healing. I know that's part of the point, but I don't see too many people using it for that. It's often angry tirades, drama, attention whores, etc. But I have to say, it truly has been a comfort for me, and I hope it will be for her kids, her friends, and other family, as well, as soon as they post, or have their posts approved or whatever. Thank you, all of you, for being there to read about and find it within yourselves to care about people you've never even met, and those they left behind.
    I'm very sorry for your loss. I've read through the thread and the things that have been said about her, and she seems like she was a pretty awesome girl.

    Addiction's a monster, and it mades me mad when people try to say it isn't, that it's a 'choice'. Sure, maybe you choose poorly in the beginiing, but once it takes over your life it's no longer up to you. It makes me sad when I read the stories of those who don't get to recover, even though they've tried their hardest as it sounds Jade did. I'm really sorry she's gone, and I'm glad you've come here for support.
    "A vagabond dreamer, a rhymer and singer of songs
    Singing to no one and nowhere to really belong." - Waylon Jennings

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    Senior Member Lily Rivers's Avatar
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    That is by far the best obit that I've read. I really appreciate the mom sharing so much and wouldn't have minded her going on and on more about her. That's the one thing I always wanna know, but never really get to, is who that person was. And she sounds just lovely. You have no idea how much I actually appreciate getting to know a tiny piece of your daughter, TY for that! And from your words about her and that obit you sound like a kick ass mom and shouldn't be hard on yourself.
    Rest in peace Jade 💜

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily Rivers View Post
    That is by far the best obit that I've read. I really appreciate the mom sharing so much and wouldn't have minded her going on and on more about her. That's the one thing I always wanna know, but never really get to, is who that person was. And she sounds just lovely. You have no idea how much I actually appreciate getting to know a tiny piece of your daughter, TY for that! And from your words about her and that obit you sound like a kick ass mom and shouldn't be hard on yourself.
    Rest in peace Jade ��
    Thank you so much.

    Jade was so many different things to so many different people, and I know my stories of her are so different from the stories her friends would share.

    She was so smart and creative, and she always said the most izarre things, as a child. Well, as an adult, too, but a different kind of bizarre then. She once asked my ex-boyfriend why the ends of hot dogs look like cat's butts, lol. She was maybe 4. Amd one Easter, that same ex-boyfriend's dad was explaining to her all about what Easter meant, and why it was celebrated, and as he wrapped up his explanation, he said, "And THAT is what Easter is all about.." Jade responded with, "THAT was a very long story.." lol

    I never knew what was going to come out of that kid's mouth
    In kindergarten, they had to draw a picture of their favorite fairy tale, and Jade was drawing shit like a set of bloody keys, from the story of Bluebeard's closet, lol.

    We had our ups and downs, obviously. I mean, I had her arrested at 15, so that the court system would sentence her to treatment, and she was always kind of bitter about that
    She got mad at me a lot because I wouldn't help her or give her money, but she also always called me for advice, and would even tell her friends that they should call me for advice.

    I keep in close contact with several of her best friends (the ones who weren't addicts, and wanted the best for her), and I've been talking a lot to the guy who actually found her (her roommate, who had JUST moved in). I was trying to explain to one of her friends how much it means to me to have them around, and she said, "We need you, too", and it touched me more than I can say.

    Jade's addiction led her to dark places, and to doing some really shitty things, but I think anyone who knew her knew that those things weren't her, even though, in the end, she was changing, and that may have become her.

    But underneath the addiction, during her moments of clarity and when she was herself, you couldn't find a more supportive, funny, adventurous, curious, creative, artistic person.

    She would make sarcastic remarks about me and then send me screenshots, lol. Like, one time, some guy gave her advice, and she told him that's what her mom always says. He said, "Your mom is smart, Jade." And she responded with, "She thinks so, as well.." lol

    It's so strange to still have our texts and FB messages, and I go on there and it says, "wave to Jade" or whatever, and I wish so much that I could just message her, and it would be that easy. It's still so hard to believe that she's just gone
    I still can't seem to accept the finality of it.

    She's been the reason for everything I've done since I was 15. I still have my other children, and I am so grateful for that, and for her children, but I have never not had Jade, and there is this horrible empty place inside me now.

    I do take comfort in knowing that she is at peace now, and she can't harm herself anymore. I just don't know how to deal with a piece of me missing, and I am going to have to learn.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily Rivers View Post
    That is by far the best obit that I've read. I really appreciate the mom sharing so much and wouldn't have minded her going on and on more about her. That's the one thing I always wanna know, but never really get to, is who that person was. And she sounds just lovely. You have no idea how much I actually appreciate getting to know a tiny piece of your daughter, TY for that! And from your words about her and that obit you sound like a kick ass mom and shouldn't be hard on yourself.
    Rest in peace Jade 💜
    Thank you so much.

    Jade was so many different things to so many different people, and I know my stories of her are so different from the stories her friends would share.

    She was so smart and creative, and she always said the most izarre things, as a child. Well, as an adult, too, but a different kind of bizarre then. She once asked my ex-boyfriend why the ends of hot dogs look like cat's butts, lol. She was maybe 4. Amd one Easter, that same ex-boyfriend's dad was explaining to her all about what Easter meant, and why it was celebrated, and as he wrapped up his explanation, he said, "And THAT is what Easter is all about.." Jade responded with, "THAT was a very long story.." lol

    I never knew what was going to come out of that kid's mouth
    In kindergarten, they had to draw a picture of their favorite fairy tale, and Jade was drawing shit like a set of bloody keys, from the story of Bluebeard's closet, lol.

    We had our ups and downs, obviously. I mean, I had her arrested at 15, so that the court system would sentence her to treatment, and she was always kind of bitter about that
    She got mad at me a lot because I wouldn't help her or give her money, but she also always called me for advice, and would even tell her friends that they should call me for advice.

    I keep in close contact with several of her best friends (the ones who weren't addicts, and wanted the best for her), and I've been talking a lot to the guy who actually found her (her roommate, who had JUST moved in). I was trying to explain to one of her friends how much it means to me to have them around, and she said, "We need you, too", and it touched me more than I can say.

    Jade's addiction led her to dark places, and to doing some really shitty things, but I think anyone who knew her knew that those things weren't her, even though, in the end, she was changing, and that may have become her.

    But underneath the addiction, during her moments of clarity and when she was herself, you couldn't find a more supportive, funny, adventurous, curious, creative, artistic person.

    She would make sarcastic remarks about me and then send me screenshots, lol. Like, one time, some guy gave her advice, and she told him that's what her mom always says. He said, "Your mom is smart, Jade." And she responded with, "She thinks so, as well.." lol

    It's so strange to still have our texts and FB messages, and I go on there and it says, "wave to Jade" or whatever, and I wish so much that I could just message her, and it would be that easy. It's still so hard to believe that she's just gone
    I still can't seem to accept the finality of it.

    She's been the reason for everything I've done since I was 15. I still have my other children, and I am so grateful for that, and for her children, but I have never not had Jade, and there is this horrible empty place inside me now.

    I do take comfort in knowing that she is at peace now, and she can't harm herself anymore. I just don't know how to deal with a piece of me missing, and I am going to have to learn.

  11. #36
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    Sorry for the double post. I don't know how to delete it. :-/

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    I just made this account to comment on this one thread.

    Stephanie knows who I am (lol) and she also knows that my relationship with Jade was very very complicated to say the least. While I never had the chance to meet her, the impact she had on my life was more than enough to feel a huge sense of loss from her passing. It's not often that people are told they can never meet their own sister. Not only that, but as Stephanie certainly explained, she was a huge positive and unique person to have in my life, even for the short amount of time that we were speaking and I felt a huge connection to her despite never meeting her or even hearing her voice. Ever since the funeral I really began to think about what this loss means to me and it's so hard to explain and I honestly felt as though the sense of grief I felt is almost undeserved considering I never truly got to know the real Jade. However I really wanted to comment on this thread despite that because I know it would have made her happy and I feel as though it's really the absolute least I could do considering the fact that we never had our chance to meet and connect like we wanted to and planned on.

    I think the most important thing about her was her weirdness. I could sense it the moment we spoke through facebook, and I really felt like she was showing her true self immediately - someone who was simply a great person and was fun to be around. One thing I'm glad about is that she sensed that same weirdness from me - it's apparently genetic. I think the sense of loss I feel is just the fact that I only ever got a facebook version of that person, and that this person I felt such an immediate connection with is gone before I could have the chance to appreciate her in her full beauty and that I couldn't provide that same thing I think she saw in me. I'm honestly sorry it took me so long to even contact her in the first place. She was a wonderful person that I looked forward to having in my life, and that opportunity is gone before I ever had the chance to seize it. It's hard to explain a loss of something you never really had if that makes sense.

    This isn't exactly deep, but I was listening to this song a lot while I thought about Jade and I hope it helps explain my own feelings towards this. I've always felt I could express myself better through the music I listen to anyway.

    Bandage - Mutoid Man

    [QUOTE]He fell in October, 1918, on a day that was so quiet and still on the whole front, that the army report confined itself to the single sentence: All quiet on the Western Front.[QUOTE]

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    I had never heard of this site until I received the news of Jade's death, but I find myself on here now about to type one of the most difficult things I've ever shared. I've been reluctant to say anything on here because I felt like this should really be a sanctuary for Jade's mom, but I've been racked with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, and I'm honestly not sure where to go. I wanted to share my perspective on Jade and addiction.

    I did drugs with Jade when she lived in Austin. Right away, I read that sentence and I feel horrible. I helped contribute to her demons. I'm not sure if I am the demon.

    I started doing cocaine about 4 years ago really as a way of staving off loneliness. Most of my friends had moved away from Austin, and in my neighborhood, it seemed like getting cocaine was a way to keep the party going once the bars let out. I was instantly surrounded by people who wanted to invite me over. Many times it led to some crazy adventures, and it never seemed like it was really harmful. I did it every so often. Maybe once every six weeks or so.

    I met Jade when she was working at a local Tex-Mex joint down the street from me. She was stunningly beautiful, but there was something more about her. She struck me as an intellectual, and more creative than most I've ever known in the service industry. We became Facebook friends, and ended up meeting at her favorite downtown pub, Mugshots. We talked over Jameson's about Carroll and Kerouac, and how much I loved Tom Waits. She preferred Leonard Cohen. I asked her "How did you get into all of this?"

    Her answer: "My mom. She knows her stuff."

    One Thursday night about a year ago, Jade texted me asking if I knew where I could find some substances. I told her I didn't have what she wanted, and I wasn't going to find that either. However, I did have some cocaine, and I had the night free because I didn't work on Fridays at that time. She came over, got high, and demanded that we watch Rick & Morty and not Sportscenter. That was one of the funniest things about her too. I'm from Houston as well, and an avid Astros/Texans fan. She loved Rick & Morty, and couldn't care less about Jose Altuve or JJ Watt. I got frequent blank stares from her, and then with a giant smile she'd say "Let's watch Rick & Morty!" Suffice to say, we didn't quite convert each other on that one.

    It was about 1 AM that night while she's watching Rick & Morty, and I'm merely tolerating it, when we hear a loud Meow. I go outside to check, and it's an abandoned cat. One of my neighbors in my complex moved out, and for some unknown reason, they left their cat behind. I'm still not sure why they did that. Jade saw the cat and immediately lit up. "Kitty!" I can still see her eyes and that thousand-watt smile.

    "Do you have any food?" she asked. "No." "Well, you should get some. This guy is all alone." Jade went outside to be with the cat, and I walked to the local convenience store to pick up some cat food. I returned to find them both outside with the abandoned cat curled up in Jade's lap. She was beaming as was the cat. That was the happiest I had ever seen her.

    If you take nothing else from this, I want you to know this about Jade. Addiction changes many things about us. It changes our brain chemistry. It makes us despondent and desperate. But, in that moment, addiction never robbed her of kindness. It never displaced her decency. Addiction never stripped away her wanting or willingness to be a caretaker to those in the most need. I want you to know that about her if you're reading this now, tomorrow or 20 years from now. Jade was no junkie. I don't know what happened those final months of her life, but the woman I know was a kind, gentle soul who cared deeply about helping, aiding and providing care. I saw that. And I want you to see that too.

    I woke up the next morning. Jade was asleep on my futon with the cat asleep by her side. In retrospect, I think the cat was taking care of her as much as she was caring for the cat.

    We lost touch after she moved back to Houston. If memory serves me, I think she was moving back with her on-again/off-again boyfriend. I did tell her that I thought it would be good to go back, and reconnect with family. That was my last memory of her.

    Now I'm sitting here guilt-ridden and shame-filled. I enabled her. Addiction doesn't kill you at all at once. Typically, addiction is death by a thousand paper cuts. I was one of those cuts. It's not solely because of me, of course, but I have to live with the fact that I was one of the reasons why she will never PROVE THEM WRONG. I'm horrified by my actions. I can't believe I harmed her in such a way.

    To Jade's mom, to her family and to all those who loved her, I know you have every right not to forgive me. Right now, I'm having a hard time forgiving me. I can't sleep without sleeping pills right now. Sometimes I look at the whole bottle of sleeping pills, and think that it should be me, not her. I don't have any kids. She did. I'm older than her. She had so much more to do. I can't do that, though. I can't bring her back, and my loss only transfers my pain to my mom, my sister and my nephews.

    But please know that I am incredibly sorry to have contributed to your loss. I also need for Jade's death to mean more. For what it's worth, I want nothing to do with drugs any longer. It's like that portion of my brain was rewired completely out of shock. I have some ideas on how Jade's death can have a greater impact, but I want to save that for right now. All I can ask right now is forgiveness from Jade's mom, her family and her closest friends. Maybe not today, this week or even this year. But I'm not sure I can forgive myself, and I'm not sure God will forgive me either. I'm trying to make peace out of this, and it just ain't there.

    You raised an amazing, wonderful person, and in spite of all of this, I'm so incredibly thankful I got to know her even if it was for a brief moment. I'm not sure what adventures she's having in Wonderland, but my hope is that Wonderland has a Rainbow Bridge. She would make an amazing guardian.

    Those last sentences were complete fucking agony. I'm so sorry.

  14. #39
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    [QUOTE=D_Pogostick;3760985]I just made this account to comment on this one thread.

    Stephanie knows who I am (lol) and she also knows that my relationship with Jade was very very complicated to say the least. While I never had the chance to meet her, the impact she had on my life was more than enough to feel a huge sense of loss from her passing. It's not often that people are told they can never meet their own sister. Not only that, but as Stephanie certainly explained, she was a huge positive and unique person to have in my life, even for the short amount of time that we were speaking and I felt a huge connection to her despite never meeting her or even hearing her voice. Ever since the funeral I really began to think about what this loss means to me and it's so hard to explain and I honestly felt as though the sense of grief I felt is almost undeserved considering I never truly got to know the real Jade. However I really wanted to comment on this thread despite that because I know it would have made her happy and I feel as though it's really the absolute least I could do considering the fact that we never had our chance to meet and connect like we wanted to and planned on.

    I think the most important thing about her was her weirdness. I could sense it the moment we spoke through facebook, and I really felt like she was showing her true self immediately - someone who was simply a great person and was fun to be around. One thing I'm glad about is that she sensed that same weirdness from me - it's apparently genetic. I think the sense of loss I feel is just the fact that I only ever got a facebook version of that person, and that this person I felt such an immediate connection with is gone before I could have the chance to appreciate her in her full beauty and that I couldn't provide that same thing I think she saw in me. I'm honestly sorry it took me so long to even contact her in the first place. She was a wonderful person that I looked forward to having in my life, and that opportunity is gone before I ever had the chance to seize it. It's hard to explain a loss of something you never really had if that makes sense.

    This isn't exactly deep, but I was listening to this song a lot while I thought about Jade and I hope it helps explain my own feelings towards this. I've always felt I could express myself better through the music I listen to anyway.

    Bandage - Mutoid Man

    [QUOTE]He fell in October, 1918, on a day that was so quiet and still on the whole front, that the army report confined itself to the single sentence: All quiet on the Western Front.Dylan, I am so happy that you posted; you are right. Jade would have not only loved it, but expected it. Your loss is just as real and just as profound as the rest of us, possibly more so, in certain ways, I don't know. I hate it that you never got to meet her in person, but she was your sister, regardless, and you deserve to grieve the loss of that relationship, and have it acknowledged.
    I wish it were different.
    Her addiction made it so that the brothers she was raised with hardly knew her, because I had to protect them from so many of her choices, and their grief will be completely different from mine or from yours, her kids, her friends, and everyone else. The loss is huge, and so fucking tragic and wasteful.

    I am so happy, though, that you two got to know each other as much as you did, and as you know, she was so excited to find that you were "like us", lol. I would say the "weirdness" is pretty clearly genetic at this point, lol, and I'm not sure whether I should apologize or say "you're welcome", lol.

    What you've said is beautiful and it means so much to me to have the connection acknowledged, if that makes sense. Please never feel that you have to question your place or right to feel whatever it is that you feel. You are family.

    Please forgive all spelling and other mistakes. Typing from my phone. :-)

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    (I mean absolutely no disrespect by this, I just feel as though she might've liked this Rick & Morty quote.)

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    This has really turned into a powerfully beautiful thread. I feel blessed to even being in here.

    Thank you to everyone who knew and loved Jade for sharing. You've brought light and hope to my day with your lovely stories and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.


    Quote Originally Posted by marshmallow View Post
    did you make her into a wallet Bill? cuz if you did I'm off team Bill.

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    Sowb, this hug is for you. *hug* Stay strong.


    Quote Originally Posted by marshmallow View Post
    did you make her into a wallet Bill? cuz if you did I'm off team Bill.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sowb.5151 View Post
    I had never heard of this site until I received the news of Jade's death, but I find myself on here now about to type one of the most difficult things I've ever shared. I've been reluctant to say anything on here because I felt like this should really be a sanctuary for Jade's mom, but I've been racked with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, and I'm honestly not sure where to go. I wanted to share my perspective on Jade and addiction.

    I did drugs with Jade when she lived in Austin. Right away, I read that sentence and I feel horrible. I helped contribute to her demons. I'm not sure if I am the demon.

    I started doing cocaine about 4 years ago really as a way of staving off loneliness. Most of my friends had moved away from Austin, and in my neighborhood, it seemed like getting cocaine was a way to keep the party going once the bars let out. I was instantly surrounded by people who wanted to invite me over. Many times it led to some crazy adventures, and it never seemed like it was really harmful. I did it every so often. Maybe once every six weeks or so.

    I met Jade when she was working at a local Tex-Mex joint down the street from me. She was stunningly beautiful, but there was something more about her. She struck me as an intellectual, and more creative than most I've ever known in the service industry. We became Facebook friends, and ended up meeting at her favorite downtown pub, Mugshots. We talked over Jameson's about Carroll and Kerouac, and how much I loved Tom Waits. She preferred Leonard Cohen. I asked her "How did you get into all of this?"

    Her answer: "My mom. She knows her stuff."

    One Thursday night about a year ago, Jade texted me asking if I knew where I could find some substances. I told her I didn't have what she wanted, and I wasn't going to find that either. However, I did have some cocaine, and I had the night free because I didn't work on Fridays at that time. She came over, got high, and demanded that we watch Rick & Morty and not Sportscenter. That was one of the funniest things about her too. I'm from Houston as well, and an avid Astros/Texans fan. She loved Rick & Morty, and couldn't care less about Jose Altuve or JJ Watt. I got frequent blank stares from her, and then with a giant smile she'd say "Let's watch Rick & Morty!" Suffice to say, we didn't quite convert each other on that one.

    It was about 1 AM that night while she's watching Rick & Morty, and I'm merely tolerating it, when we hear a loud Meow. I go outside to check, and it's an abandoned cat. One of my neighbors in my complex moved out, and for some unknown reason, they left their cat behind. I'm still not sure why they did that. Jade saw the cat and immediately lit up. "Kitty!" I can still see her eyes and that thousand-watt smile.

    "Do you have any food?" she asked. "No." "Well, you should get some. This guy is all alone." Jade went outside to be with the cat, and I walked to the local convenience store to pick up some cat food. I returned to find them both outside with the abandoned cat curled up in Jade's lap. She was beaming as was the cat. That was the happiest I had ever seen her.

    If you take nothing else from this, I want you to know this about Jade. Addiction changes many things about us. It changes our brain chemistry. It makes us despondent and desperate. But, in that moment, addiction never robbed her of kindness. It never displaced her decency. Addiction never stripped away her wanting or willingness to be a caretaker to those in the most need. I want you to know that about her if you're reading this now, tomorrow or 20 years from now. Jade was no junkie. I don't know what happened those final months of her life, but the woman I know was a kind, gentle soul who cared deeply about helping, aiding and providing care. I saw that. And I want you to see that too.

    I woke up the next morning. Jade was asleep on my futon with the cat asleep by her side. In retrospect, I think the cat was taking care of her as much as she was caring for the cat.

    We lost touch after she moved back to Houston. If memory serves me, I think she was moving back with her on-again/off-again boyfriend. I did tell her that I thought it would be good to go back, and reconnect with family. That was my last memory of her.

    Now I'm sitting here guilt-ridden and shame-filled. I enabled her. Addiction doesn't kill you at all at once. Typically, addiction is death by a thousand paper cuts. I was one of those cuts. It's not solely because of me, of course, but I have to live with the fact that I was one of the reasons why she will never PROVE THEM WRONG. I'm horrified by my actions. I can't believe I harmed her in such a way.

    To Jade's mom, to her family and to all those who loved her, I know you have every right not to forgive me. Right now, I'm having a hard time forgiving me. I can't sleep without sleeping pills right now. Sometimes I look at the whole bottle of sleeping pills, and think that it should be me, not her. I don't have any kids. She did. I'm older than her. She had so much more to do. I can't do that, though. I can't bring her back, and my loss only transfers my pain to my mom, my sister and my nephews.

    But please know that I am incredibly sorry to have contributed to your loss. I also need for Jade's death to mean more. For what it's worth, I want nothing to do with drugs any longer. It's like that portion of my brain was rewired completely out of shock. I have some ideas on how Jade's death can have a greater impact, but I want to save that for right now. All I can ask right now is forgiveness from Jade's mom, her family and her closest friends. Maybe not today, this week or even this year. But I'm not sure I can forgive myself, and I'm not sure God will forgive me either. I'm trying to make peace out of this, and it just ain't there.

    You raised an amazing, wonderful person, and in spite of all of this, I'm so incredibly thankful I got to know her even if it was for a brief moment. I'm not sure what adventures she's having in Wonderland, but my hope is that Wonderland has a Rainbow Bridge. She would make an amazing guardian.

    Those last sentences were complete fucking agony. I'm so sorry.
    You truly have me in tears and I never even knew her. I can understand you feeling guilt, but please don't beat yourself up over this. It sounds like you're putting too much of the burden on to yourself which isn't healthy. You may have been one paper cut of many, but addiction would have led her to anyone that could provide her the paper and as crazy as it sounds you were a much safer place for her that night.

    Thank you for sharing your memories of her with us. You sound like a really great person that has so much to offer the world. Continue to become healthy so that you can be the best for yourself and the world that you can be.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nic B View Post
    That is too pretty to be shoved up an ass.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nic B View Post
    You can take those Fleets and shove them up your ass



  19. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by sowb.5151 View Post
    I had never heard of this site until I received the news of Jade's death, but I find myself on here now about to type one of the most difficult things I've ever shared. I've been reluctant to say anything on here because I felt like this should really be a sanctuary for Jade's mom, but I've been racked with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, and I'm honestly not sure where to go. I wanted to share my perspective on Jade and addiction.

    I did drugs with Jade when she lived in Austin. Right away, I read that sentence and I feel horrible. I helped contribute to her demons. I'm not sure if I am the demon.

    I started doing cocaine about 4 years ago really as a way of staving off loneliness. Most of my friends had moved away from Austin, and in my neighborhood, it seemed like getting cocaine was a way to keep the party going once the bars let out. I was instantly surrounded by people who wanted to invite me over. Many times it led to some crazy adventures, and it never seemed like it was really harmful. I did it every so often. Maybe once every six weeks or so.

    I met Jade when she was working at a local Tex-Mex joint down the street from me. She was stunningly beautiful, but there was something more about her. She struck me as an intellectual, and more creative than most I've ever known in the service industry. We became Facebook friends, and ended up meeting at her favorite downtown pub, Mugshots. We talked over Jameson's about Carroll and Kerouac, and how much I loved Tom Waits. She preferred Leonard Cohen. I asked her "How did you get into all of this?"

    Her answer: "My mom. She knows her stuff."

    One Thursday night about a year ago, Jade texted me asking if I knew where I could find some substances. I told her I didn't have what she wanted, and I wasn't going to find that either. However, I did have some cocaine, and I had the night free because I didn't work on Fridays at that time. She came over, got high, and demanded that we watch Rick & Morty and not Sportscenter. That was one of the funniest things about her too. I'm from Houston as well, and an avid Astros/Texans fan. She loved Rick & Morty, and couldn't care less about Jose Altuve or JJ Watt. I got frequent blank stares from her, and then with a giant smile she'd say "Let's watch Rick & Morty!" Suffice to say, we didn't quite convert each other on that one.

    It was about 1 AM that night while she's watching Rick & Morty, and I'm merely tolerating it, when we hear a loud Meow. I go outside to check, and it's an abandoned cat. One of my neighbors in my complex moved out, and for some unknown reason, they left their cat behind. I'm still not sure why they did that. Jade saw the cat and immediately lit up. "Kitty!" I can still see her eyes and that thousand-watt smile.

    "Do you have any food?" she asked. "No." "Well, you should get some. This guy is all alone." Jade went outside to be with the cat, and I walked to the local convenience store to pick up some cat food. I returned to find them both outside with the abandoned cat curled up in Jade's lap. She was beaming as was the cat. That was the happiest I had ever seen her.

    If you take nothing else from this, I want you to know this about Jade. Addiction changes many things about us. It changes our brain chemistry. It makes us despondent and desperate. But, in that moment, addiction never robbed her of kindness. It never displaced her decency. Addiction never stripped away her wanting or willingness to be a caretaker to those in the most need. I want you to know that about her if you're reading this now, tomorrow or 20 years from now. Jade was no junkie. I don't know what happened those final months of her life, but the woman I know was a kind, gentle soul who cared deeply about helping, aiding and providing care. I saw that. And I want you to see that too.

    I woke up the next morning. Jade was asleep on my futon with the cat asleep by her side. In retrospect, I think the cat was taking care of her as much as she was caring for the cat.

    We lost touch after she moved back to Houston. If memory serves me, I think she was moving back with her on-again/off-again boyfriend. I did tell her that I thought it would be good to go back, and reconnect with family. That was my last memory of her.

    Now I'm sitting here guilt-ridden and shame-filled. I enabled her. Addiction doesn't kill you at all at once. Typically, addiction is death by a thousand paper cuts. I was one of those cuts. It's not solely because of me, of course, but I have to live with the fact that I was one of the reasons why she will never PROVE THEM WRONG. I'm horrified by my actions. I can't believe I harmed her in such a way.

    To Jade's mom, to her family and to all those who loved her, I know you have every right not to forgive me. Right now, I'm having a hard time forgiving me. I can't sleep without sleeping pills right now. Sometimes I look at the whole bottle of sleeping pills, and think that it should be me, not her. I don't have any kids. She did. I'm older than her. She had so much more to do. I can't do that, though. I can't bring her back, and my loss only transfers my pain to my mom, my sister and my nephews.

    But please know that I am incredibly sorry to have contributed to your loss. I also need for Jade's death to mean more. For what it's worth, I want nothing to do with drugs any longer. It's like that portion of my brain was rewired completely out of shock. I have some ideas on how Jade's death can have a greater impact, but I want to save that for right now. All I can ask right now is forgiveness from Jade's mom, her family and her closest friends. Maybe not today, this week or even this year. But I'm not sure I can forgive myself, and I'm not sure God will forgive me either. I'm trying to make peace out of this, and it just ain't there.

    You raised an amazing, wonderful person, and in spite of all of this, I'm so incredibly thankful I got to know her even if it was for a brief moment. I'm not sure what adventures she's having in Wonderland, but my hope is that Wonderland has a Rainbow Bridge. She would make an amazing guardian.

    Those last sentences were complete fucking agony. I'm so sorry.
    I do not blame or hold you responsible on any level, and you've no need of my forgiveness, but you have it, either way. What you shared was beautiful and I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, to post here, and I appreciate your insight and stories. This should be a place for everyone who cared about Jade to share, grieve, and express whatever they need. You offered me something priceless when you messaged me. We all have our own issues of guilt and regret to process, and what you shared with me helped to heal some of mine, and i am grateful to you for that. Please try and forgive yourself.

  20. #45
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    [IMG][/IMG]

  21. #46
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    When Jade first discovered this site..

    [IMG][/IMG]

  22. #47
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    This was just a few months before she died.


  23. #48
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    I feel honored to be a part of this thread. Jade seemed like an amazing women whose demons took control. My heart breaks for all of you abs I'm sending hugs to all.

  24. #49
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    So sorry for your loss Stephanie.

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    I rarely post on here, but I am tearing up. This thread was beautiful. Jade sounds absolutely beautiful. I am so so sorry for everyone's loss. Addiction is so tough. Ive lost both my Dad and Grandpa to addiction and I even dealt with it myself when I was younger. I also LOVE that you guys are stoked on being "weird". Weird people are my fav. I get so excited when I meet new people that I can just sense are different.

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