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Thread: Emails from an asshole

  1. #1
    the color nine
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    Emails from an asshole

    What is this?
    This is a collection of e-mails I have sent to people who post classified ads. My goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off. These are the ones that succeeded.
    http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php


    Tyrone's Dog Babysitting Service
    Posted at: 2009-07-02 10:41:53 | 72 comments | Add Comment
    Original ad:
    DOG WATCHER WANTED! we are leaving town for a week and need someone to take care of our 6-year-old rottweiler. he is very friendly! we are looking for someone trustworthy with experience, so we will need references. will pay $30 per day. email if interested!
    From Tyrone Jackson to ************@******.org
    yo wat up! i saw your ad looking for someone to take care of your rottweiler. ill do it no problem. i live in the area and can pick him up.

    From Tanya ****** to Me
    tyrone do you have any references? can you tell us a little about yourself?

    From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
    yea i got some references. you can talk to my bro devon, or my associate g-ice. ill have them hit u up. a little about myself: i love taking care of dogs and shit

    now you said your rottweiler is friendly. how friendly is he? would he be able to fight another dog if they were both put in a ring? just wonderin.

    also can you pay me the money up front straight cash? i need it to enter in a contest.

    From Tanya ****** to Me
    I dont want you watching my dog!!!! find someone else for your dog fighting ring sicko!!!!!!!

    From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
    whoa whoa slow yo role! who said anything about dog fighting? i was just wondering if your dog could protect itself, in case an angrier dog tries to start some shit while im walkin him. you need to chill the fuck out and stop jumpin to conclusions

    From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
    look you triflin bitch just gimme the dog. i need it, the fight is tonight! ill pay you 200 cash plus 20 percent of whatever i win

    From Tanya ****** to Me
    STOP IT


    A few hours later...



    From G Ice to Tanya ******
    ay yo wat up woman, its ya boy tyrone's boy G Ice. tyrone was sayin he needed a reference for ur dog babysittin job so here i am. tyrone be great with dogs. he loves em so much and will care the shit out of them. my boy tyrone is definitely the right man for the job, i aint playin

    From Tanya ****** to Me
    GO AWAY





    High-rise Fridge Delivery
    Posted at: 2009-07-06 09:51:49 | 133 comments | Add Comment
    Original ad:
    I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
    From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

    Hello,

    I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

    Mike

    From marty ******* to Me

    Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

    When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

    Mike

    From marty ******* to Me

    that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

    From marty ******* to Me

    absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    Marty,

    You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

    Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

    How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

    Mike

    From marty ******* to Me

    mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    Marty,

    I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

    I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

    From marty ******* to Me

    Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

    Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

    So see you Tuesday?

    Mike

    From marty ******* to Me

    shut the fuck up.

  2. #2
    wibbly wobbly timey wimey Seraphim's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Original ad:
    Wanted: ride from philly to rehoboth beach

    i am trying to leave any time next friday. i will pay for gas, and provide conversation.i am bringing a large duffel bag and a cat.
    From Mike Partlow to ***********@*********.org

    Hey,

    I have to go to court in Rehoboth next Friday, so I would be able to give you a ride. I just want to know, you're female, right?

    Mike

    From chris ******** to Me

    i am male. what time did you want to leave?
    -chris

    From Mike Partlow to chris *********

    Chris,

    I'm sorry, I thought you were female because you said you owned a cat. Sorry, but I don't want to give you a ride. Two dudes in a car, going to Rehoboth, it just seems a little gay. Better luck next time.

    Mike

    From chris ******** to Me

    wtf how is that gay? i just want a ride!

    From Mike Partlow to chris *********

    Well normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but first off, you own a cat, and you are a dude. That is a huge red flag right there. Any normal straight guy wouldn't own a cat, and if he did, he wouldn't care about the cat enough to take it to the beach. Second, you want to go to Rehomo Beach. I'm not judging your lifestyle or anything man, I just don't want you gaying up my car. No offense. I don't even want to know what is in your duffel bag.

    From chris ******** to Me

    stfu dude why are you being a prick! im not fucking gay i just cant get a fucking ride to the beach! my GIRLFRIEND happens to have a house in rehoboth!!

    From Mike Partlow to chris *********

    Yeah, I'm sure he does.

    I think Richard Simmons is driving down there next week, try to get a ride with him.
    :lol:

  3. #3
    Senior Member kissmedeadly8989's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    :lol: I love it.

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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    From Timmy Tucker to ************@***********.org

    Hi,

    I saw your ad for the Honda Accord. I will give you $200 for the alternator and driver side door.

    Let me know if you are interested,

    Tim

    From Josh ******** to Me

    im not parting out the car. it is $6000 for the whole thing.

    From Timmy Tucker to Josh ********

    Can't you just sell me the door and alternator and then sell the car for $5800?

    From Josh ******** to Me

    who the fuck would want to buy a car without a door and alternator?

    From Timmy Tucker to Josh ********

    You could sell it as a Honda Accord "Jeep Wrangler" addition, built for offroading without the doors, just like a Jeep. Instead of saying the alternator was removed, say the car was modified to help the environment.

    From Josh ******** to Me

    thats fucking retarded. how about you go to a junk yard


    :lol:



  5. #5
    Senior Member lostlilgirl's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    OMG! These are fucking hilarious!!

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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    :lol:

    Original ad:
    im selling my 1991 ford f150 for $2500. call ***-***-**** for more info or email
    From Mike Partlow to ************@********.org
    Hey,

    I am interested in your truck. How many miles does it have on it?

    Mike

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    do you have a number you can be reached at?

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Yes I do. My number is (***)-492-159.

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    that isnt a phone nubmer there arent enough numbers

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    That is my phone number. You can get a number with less digits for a small monthly fee, which I am paying for.

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    well i dont think its working i tried calling and it said its not a number

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Did you dial 1 first?

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    i just tried that and it is not working

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Wait are you calling from Philly?

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    yes

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Oh, my mistake. Since you are calling from Philly, you have to dial a 6 first, followed by the pound sign, and then my number.

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    IT ISNT WORKING

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Shit, do you just want my office number? It is a little complicated.

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    yeah fine give me that

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    You have to call my office at (215)-592-**** and then put in extension 4491-2938 followed by the pound sign to be transferred to the Human Resources department. Once you are transferred there, you need to enter this pin as the security access code: 2A11-3D58-2F41-FW31. You will be put through to Katie, our receptionist. She is going to ask you a series of questions to confirm you are not a machine. Upon confirmation, tell her that you want to speak to Richard, tell him Mike sent you. When Richard gets on, ask him to page Mike Partlow. Use this code as a reference: 8281-WK82F. It should take about two minutes upon me receiving the page to make it to the secure office phone. I can only talk on that phone for about 15 seconds, so I will give you a randomly generated payphone number for you to call me on. I will then run down to the lobby and pick up the payphone, and then we can talk. Got it?

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    it says that is not a working number

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Did you dial 1 first?

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    fuck this. forget it

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Wait, I also have a pager number. Do you want that instead?

  7. #7
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Original ad:
    i am 17 years old and looking to buy my first car! if you have a good, cheap and reliable car for a student please let me know. thank you!
    From Mike Anderson to ***********@*******.org

    Hey there!

    I saw your ad and have a great car for a young driver such as yourself. I am selling my beautiful 1992 Toyota Camry. This car is almost perfect. 148,342 miles on it. I need to go to Wawa tomorrow, so that mileage might change. I'm estimating it will be somewhere around 148,347 miles. If this is a problem, let me know and I will ride my bike to Wawa.

    The car has a few MINOR problems but nothing too bad:

    - The ashtray is stuck shut from when I accidentally spilled a beer on it. I think there is like $2 in change in there, so if you can open the ashtray, it's all yours.
    - Due to a bad trip in Philly, I no longer have a radio. I run an old boom box through the cigarette lighter, however, and it sounds great. It is a 1986 Sony Cassette player. I'll throw in a Raffi cassette tape for an extra $10. The tape is Raffi in Concert with the Rise & Shine Band, and is an excellent album.
    - The glovebox is locked and I lost the key to it, so it won't open. Unfortunately there was a tuna sandwich locked in there, and you can smell it in the car. It isn't that bad if you light some incense. I dropped a few sticks of incense between the seats, you can have them if you find em.
    - The hood latch is broken and the hood will occasionally fly up and hit the windshield while driving. The windshield is currently cracked from the last time this happened, but the crack isn't that bad. In fact, it helps air out the stench of the tuna.
    - Needs new front and rear brakes. The ones on there don't really stop, but if you give the emergency brake a good tug it should take care of everything.
    - There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.
    - There is some blood on the passenger seat and all over the side of the door. If you are ever pulled over and the police ask about it, just tell them the previous owner hit a deer. Don't say who I am though.
    - I bought the car from someone who replaced the original horn with a freight train horn. It is really loud and I don't recommend using it, I have caused several accidents with it.

    Besides these problems, this is a great starter car for any young driver! I actually call it the "ladies mobile" because the chicks dig it.

    I am asking $6000 for it, but am willing to negotiate.

    Thanks,

    Mike

    From joey ******* to Me

    hey thanks for the offer! $6000 sounds like a little much for that car. my dad only gave me a $4000 budget, would you be willing to take that?

    From Mike Anderson to joey ********
    Son, you obviously have no experience in buying vehicles. When I said I was willing to negotiate, I meant I was willing to take more money for the car if you wanted to give it to me. Minimum is $6,000. Talk to your dad, and he will tell you that this car is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. He'll be pissed if he saw that you passed this up.

    Mike

    From joey ******* to Me

    What the hell is wrong with you? That car is a piece of shit! Stop e-mailing my son, you moron.



    :lol: Oh, dear Lord.

  8. #8
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    :lol:
    I personally love to string along the Nigerian scammers.

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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    this thread made my day.  :lol:

  10. #10
    Senior Member wheresthebeef's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!! Fawking awesome.

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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Hey just wondering if anyone in here replied to an add for a mustang?  Asking because we have one on CL and someone sent a reply saying.  "Would you be willing to take 200 bucks and a blow job for it?"  It sounded like one of you little tards, so I thought I would ask. :lol:

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    Re: Emails from an asshole


    Cemented Couch
    Posted at: 2009-06-12 01:49:33
    Original ad:
    FREE COUCH! i have a free plaid couch on the curb outside my house. the address is 39 ******* rd come and get it!
    From Mike Anderson to **********@*******.org

    Hey. I am tired of driving down ******* and seeing your ugly couch. It is ruining the neighborhood. What the hell were you thinking when you bought that? Nobody is going to want that thing! It better not be there when I drive past tomorrow.

    From ************@gmail.com to Me

    if you dont like it why dont u come and fuckin get it. tough shit if u dont like seeing it. its only been out there 1 day!

    From Mike Anderson to ************@gmail.com

    One day too many. I don't want your shitty couch. Maybe I would if I was a Scottish guy living in the 70's, but I'm not. That couch looks like what would happen if a parrot and a rhino fucked and had a freak baby, and then that baby grew up and then took a shit on your curb. Why don't you pay someone to haul that piece of shit away?

    From ************@gmail.com to Me

    fuck you buddy! tough shit. drive a different way

    From Mike Anderson to ************@gmail.com

    I like going that way because it is scenic. Well, at least it was until you put that pile of shit out there. If it is stil there tomorrow, I am going to come back during the night and cement it to your driveway.

    From ************@gmail.com to Me

    COME AND TRY IT MOTHERFUCKER ILL BE WAITING
    born to be down

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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=b_fly27 link=topic=20941.msg1334447#msg1334447 date=1247635028]
    Hey just wondering if anyone in here replied to an add for a mustang?  Asking because we have one on CL and someone sent a reply saying.  "Would you be willing to take 200 bucks and a blow job for it?"  It sounded like one of you little tards, so I thought I would ask. :lol:
    [/quote]Not me, but that is funny as hell :lol: :lol:

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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    ya, my other half isn't a member here.  I was telling him about this thread.  He says, "ask them if they sent this."  They are only asking 2000 for the car.  So he was like to take 200 for the car the blowjob would have to be worth 1800 bucks.

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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    :lol: Oh, wow...
    Scumbag, stop stalking me through the interwebs.

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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Original ad:
    **********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

    HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

    (the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)
    Me to SHANIQUA ***********
    ay yo girl i gots a ford explorer for you

    its not really a 1997 its a 1985
    and its not really a ford explorer its a ford bronco but its like the same thing

    here are the specs if your interested:
    -217,292 miles
    -transmission is in good shape, 5th gear and reverse work but the rest dont
    -the V6 engine was replaced with a V8, gas mileage is pretty good - i got about 12 mpg highway the other day but that was with premium
    -power windows but you have to turn a crank to roll them down
    -tape player - it does play but there is a def leppard tape jammed in there and it won't come out. great for def leppard fans!
    -i am a smoker so you can smell it in the car, but ill throw in an air-freshener for an extra 10 bucks
    -it came with front airbag, but it deployed in my last accident and i didnt get it replaced. broncos are safe though so you wont have to worry about an airbag.
    -the air conditioning does not work anymore, but it used to and was really cold.
    -heat works if you drive the car for a while
    -the frame is bent due to an accident with a tractor trailer, but as long as you dont drive over 40 you shouldnt have any problems
    -it can seat five which is good for kids, but the back seat has beer and urine stains. they have been professionally treated with windex
    -the rear window is missing, but has been repaired with saran wrap
    -you will need to have some minor repairs done: new brakes, the rear axle is missing, needs a new radiator and coolant system. i spoke to my friend who knows a lot about cars and he said it shouldnt cost more than a few bucks.
    im asking for $7,500 but am willing to negotiate.
    let me know what you think
    -ted

    SHANIQUA *********** to Me

    No thanks.That's not what I'm looking for it's too old and not even the right type of Ford.Have a nice day :)

    Me to SHANIQUA ***********

    I'm willing to drop the price to $7,000 and throw in a phil collins cassette tape for the tape player. even though it may seem old, it still runs like it was OJ's bronco. and don't worry about it not being an explorer. all fords are built ford tough.

    SHANIQUA *********** to Me

    I don't think that you read my ad.I don't have $7000.00 to spend on a truck much less a DAMN 1985 BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!You should be willing to give that old ass piece of shit away.GO AWAY and leave me the hell alone STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Me to SHANIQUA ***********

    I see you are a tough negotiator. My final offer is $6,900, and I'll include a floormat from my 1983 cutlass supreme. this floormat is brown with several stains and cigarette burns, but it will keep the beautiful bronco interior very clean. please consider this generous offer.

    SHANIQUA *********** to Me

    READ THE AD 1500 THAT'S IT.I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN FORD BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Me to SHANIQUA ***********

    Okay, I can see that this luxurious bronco is out of your price range. That is okay. I have a cheaper car that you may be interested in.
    It is a 1996 Geo Metro. Almost EXACTLY the same as a Ford Explorer. When looking at the two, I personally can't even tell the difference.
    It was my son's car, but he lost his license after his third DUI, so now I am stuck with it. I have no use for it though, and would be willing to sell it to you for $1550.
    Features:
    - 246,000 HIGHWAY miles
    - AM radio, great for traffic reports and radio disney
    - 3 great tires from Walmart, they still have about 200 miles worth of tread on them
    - Partially functional transmission. Reverse does not work, but you don't really need that anyway.
    - Due to a wheel alignment problem, the car can only turn right. But with power steering, it makes turning right easy. Three right turns can make a left.
    - No title
    - Currently needs brakes, exhaust, cat converter, a front wheel and rotor, and a motor to pass inspection. But as long as you don't get pulled over, who cares about inspection?
    - The paint is a metallic/rust red. Some of the spots have rusted through, but I covered it up with duct tape and spray paint. Looks good as new!
    - Comes with THE CLUB, a state of the art anti-theft device. But i lost the key to it, so its stuck on the steering wheel. great for leaving your car in west philly!
    - The gas tank currently leaks gas, so MPG is around 6 or 7 depending on how fast you drive. You just need to keep plugging the hole with gum.
    At that price, this car is a DEAL! Let me know what you think.

    SHANIQUA *********** to Me

    YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Me to SHANIQUA ***********

    so you don't want the geo? you're missing out on a dream car. tell you what, for that price, I will also include three old Newsweek magazines, a used toaster, and an old Philadelphia Eagles #81 Terrell Owens jersey.



    I couldn't resist fucking with her again. I used another e-mail account.
    Original ad:
    **********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

    HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

    (the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)
    Me to SHANIQUA ***********
    Hey there! I saw your ad and I think I have the perfect car for you. I am selling my 2001 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer edition. It is a great car and I hate to see it go, but I need the money to pay off my 2nd DUI fines.

    Only 72,000 miles! Here are the features:

    - CD Player
    - Intact windshield
    - Rear tires
    - Spare tire
    - New windshield wipers
    - Beautiful white exterior paint
    - Cloth interior

    It was in a very MINOR fender bender, however, and will need a few repairs. As you can see from the picture, you may need to replace the passenger-side mirror and headlights in order for the car to pass PA inspection. I took it to a mechanic, and he said that the mirror is fixable.
    I was selling the car for $1800, but due to these minor issues, I will drop the price to $1750.

    Thanks,

    Ryan Jackson

    Attachment:


    SHANIQUA *********** to Me
    Hi I'm sorry I can't afford to buy your truckit looks really nice and I would love to be behind the wheel of it but I can't afford it.My budget will only allow for me to spend 1500 sorry

    (she obviously didn't realize there was a picture)

    Me to SHANIQUA ***********
    tell you what, I'll bump the price down to 1500, but I get to keep the CD player and the passenger seat. and I will clear all of the change out of my ashtray.

    this car is a great deal. I've included a picture, check it out and please reconsider!

    SHANIQUA *********** to Me
    WHY WOULD I BUT A PIECE OF JUNK WHY FOR WHAT YOU BETTA BET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Pt: 3
    **********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

    HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

    (the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)
    Me to SHANIQUA *************
    Hello,

    I saw your ad on ********** and I think I have a great car for you. I am selling my 1996 Ford Explorer. I used to work in the film industry, and I got this car after it was used in a movie. It has a custom paint job from the movie set. I barely drive it, so it has only around 60,000 miles on it. I really have no use for it anymore, so I am willing to get rid of it. Take a look at it and let me know what you think. I've attached a few pictures of it. Please note that it did have a MINOR accident involving an animal and may have slight damage.

    Thanks!



    [img]http://[/img]
    SHANIQUA ************* to Me
    Sir I thank you for trying to help but I don't want to drive the truck from the dinosaur movie.I wouldn't mind if I had money to get it painted over but I don't. Thanks anyway

    Me to SHANIQUA *************
    I always believe that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, and you shouldn't judge this car by its paint job. It has a great engine that will not quit. From the inside, you can't even tell it is painted like that. This car is reliable, and will NOT be going extinct any time soon.

    SHANIQUA ************* to Me
    No thanks!!!!

    Me to SHANIQUA *************
    Tell you what, for an extra 50 bucks I will spray paint the entire car flat black. I took an art class in high school so I have some experience painting and it will look great.

    SHANIQUA ************* to Me
    NO THANKS!!!WHEN YOU GET A SHINY BLUE OR BLACK ONE THEN YOU LET ME KNOW.

    Me to SHANIQUA *************
    Here's what I am willing to do. For $60, I will spray paint the entire car black, and then cover it with scotch tape so it is shiny. I'll also throw in a VHS of Jurassic Park I taped off of TBS 5 years ago. Includes many classic "retro" commercials that you don't see on TV anymore. A collector's goldmine!

    SHANIQUA ************* to Me
    NO THANKS TRY SOMEONE ELSE.I'VE ALREADY MADE A DEAL WITH SOMEONE ELSE THEY WILL BE BRINGING ME THE TRUCK TOMORROW MORNING.

    Me to SHANIQUA *************
    WAIT! Before you make that deal, check out the new, REPAINTED Explorer. I repainted it a nice shiny blue. Please check out the picture and reconsider!






  17. #17
    Senior Member leapfreak's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  This is my new favourite thread

  18. #18
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    I would definitely drive the Jurassic park vehicle around.  Awesome.
    born to be down

  19. #19
    Office Bitch ChunkySeaweed's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    This one was a little tricky. If you didn't figure it out, I am both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson.
    Original ad:
    i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!
    From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org
    CC: Kira Anderson

    Hey,

    I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my whore of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little slut that fucks just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose whore that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a title?

    From Jim ***** to Me

    Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!

    From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

    OH FUCK YOU MIKE!! DROP FUCKING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SCUMBAG PIECE OF SHIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!

    From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

    Fuck YOU, you stupid cunt! What are you doing on the computer? I figured you were fucking Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm sure he's looking to stick his dick in some rotten pussy. You fucking twat.

    From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

    MIKE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A FUCKIN KNIFE

    From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

    Ooh I'm real fucking scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black dick in your mouth you fucking WHORE

    From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

    Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns me.

    From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

    TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR FUCKING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND WITH IT

    From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson

    Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his dick.

    From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

    FUCK YOU

    From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

    Will both of you shut the fuck up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus fucking christ man c'mon!



    :lol: :lol: :lol:

  20. #20
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    OMG that was awesome on sooo many levels!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

  21. #21
    Senior Member boogieman's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Reading these make me feel dirty....


    Somehow this woman knew exactly what I was trying to do.
    Original ad:
    litter of 5 kittens. two orange, two black, one mixed-grey. all are three weeks old and looking for a good home!
    From Yin Chang to *********@***********.org

    hello

    i buy all kitten you have. how much?

    - yin chang

    From ************@hotmail.com to Me

    Sorry. These kittens are not being sold for food.


    EDIT:.... THIS is seriously the best one on that site:


    Original ad:
    litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.
    From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org

    Hi,

    I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?

    Mike

    From Shannon ******* to Me

    Mike,

    Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?

    From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

    Shannon,

    To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.

    Mike



    From Shannon ******* to Me

    That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

    From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

    Shannon,

    I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

    From Shannon ******* to Me

    NO.

  22. #22
    Riotous Defective snowfallsoon's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    ^^^^^^^ha ha ha ha ha!

    a strict diet of cats......!

  23. #23
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    :lol:  This is going to be great reading material on my upcoming road trip.

  24. #24
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Escalade Bodyg
    Original ad:
    2007 Cadillac Escalade for sale - 38,000 miles. Great condition! Asking $40,000. E-mail if interested.
    From Mike Partlow to **************@*********.org

    Hey,

    I have a proposition for you. I will give you $50 if you let me borrow your Escalade for tomorrow night. I have been trying to get a date with this girl, but the only way I was able to get her to go on a date with me was by telling her that I am a very rich and powerful drug dealer. The problem is, I am not a drug dealer, and I actually drive a 91 Honda Accord. She will know I am lying if I pick her up in that. The only chance I have of getting with this chick is if I roll up in your ballin Escalade. If you let me borrow it, on top of giving you $50, I will put a few gallons of gas in it. I promise we will not have sex on your seats.

    Please help me out!

    Mike

    From James ******* to Me

    Absolutely not. The car is not for rent!

    From Mike Partlow to James ********

    James,

    I am willing to pay you up to $60 to borrow your Escalade. If you are worried about me messing it up, you can ride with me. In fact, you can drive it. I'll tell her you are my bodyguard. That would actually work out better, I think. Do you look like a bodyguard? You'd have to wear a suit, and possibly one of those earpieces with the coiled cord running down your neck. You should occasionally touch the earpiece to your ear, like you are listening to some badass security chatter. You shouldn't talk have to talk much, just drive and look badass.

    Please reconsider my offer.

    Mike

    From James ******** to Me

    No. That is stupid. Maybe you should try asking out a woman that isn't a materialistic gold digger.

    From Mike Partlow to James *********

    Golddigger or not, this girl's rack is phenominal. Tell you what, if you consider my offer and I end up getting laid, I will try to snap a picture of her tits with my cellphone and send it to you. Trust me, they are great.

    Mike

    From James ******** to Me

    Shut up. You aren't borrowing my car.

    From Mike Partlow to James *********

    Well James, you are being a cockblocker. I hope next time you are trying to get your D wet, you get the shit cockblocked out of you.

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
    born to be down

  25. #25
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=Hotsauce McGilacuty link=topic=20941.msg1331307#msg1331307 date=1247341953]
    :lol:

    Original ad:
    im selling my 1991 ford f150 for $2500. call ***-***-**** for more info or email
    From Mike Partlow to ************@********.org
    Hey,

    I am interested in your truck. How many miles does it have on it?

    Mike

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    do you have a number you can be reached at?

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Yes I do. My number is (***)-492-159.

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    that isnt a phone nubmer there arent enough numbers

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    That is my phone number. You can get a number with less digits for a small monthly fee, which I am paying for.

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    well i dont think its working i tried calling and it said its not a number

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Did you dial 1 first?

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    i just tried that and it is not working

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Wait are you calling from Philly?

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    yes

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Oh, my mistake. Since you are calling from Philly, you have to dial a 6 first, followed by the pound sign, and then my number.

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    IT ISNT WORKING

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Shit, do you just want my office number? It is a little complicated.

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    yeah fine give me that

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    You have to call my office at (215)-592-**** and then put in extension 4491-2938 followed by the pound sign to be transferred to the Human Resources department. Once you are transferred there, you need to enter this pin as the security access code: 2A11-3D58-2F41-FW31. You will be put through to Katie, our receptionist. She is going to ask you a series of questions to confirm you are not a machine. Upon confirmation, tell her that you want to speak to Richard, tell him Mike sent you. When Richard gets on, ask him to page Mike Partlow. Use this code as a reference: 8281-WK82F. It should take about two minutes upon me receiving the page to make it to the secure office phone. I can only talk on that phone for about 15 seconds, so I will give you a randomly generated payphone number for you to call me on. I will then run down to the lobby and pick up the payphone, and then we can talk. Got it?

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    it says that is not a working number

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Did you dial 1 first?

    From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
    fuck this. forget it

    From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
    Wait, I also have a pager number. Do you want that instead?
    [/quote]
    OMG! I almost died laughing with this one! The dude actually tried to call the office number and go through all the codes and stuff LMAO

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