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Thread: Please, please please, urgent opinions sought...

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    Please, please please, urgent opinions sought...

    I have a very dear friend who is breaking out of an abusive relationship. And as with most victims of DV her husband has done everything possible to destroy her self esteem. But it doesn't matter what I tell her, she doesn't believe that she is beautiful. So I'm hoping that you all can leave some comments and tell her exactly what you think. Please, don't bullshit, that don't help anyone, and neither does saying anything nasty, but she will see this and hopefully start to see herself the way others do...



    ETA if anyone can convert that link into an image, it would be greatly appreciated :)

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    Ok that didn't allow me to add a photo. Anyway I have added her photo to my album, just don't know how to link it :(

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    Senior Member puzzld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by brumby View Post
    I have a very dear friend who is breaking out of an abusive relationship. And as with most victims of DV her husband has done everything possible to destroy her self esteem. But it doesn't matter what I tell her, she doesn't believe that she is beautiful. So I'm hoping that you all can leave some comments and tell her exactly what you think. Please, don't bullshit, that don't help anyone, and neither does saying anything nasty, but she will see this and hopefully start to see herself the way others do...

    http://mydeathspace.com/vb/album.php...achmentid=4211

    ETA if anyone can convert that link into an image, it would be greatly appreciated :)
    http://mydeathspace.com/vb/attachmen...1&d=1435323130
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    Senior Member Boston Babe 73's Avatar
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    I want to help, but I'm not sure where you leave a comment?

    Listen, I've been there and it's NOT worth it. How happy can you be living under someone's thumb. Under their control and being hurt by them to boot. One day it will escalate to where she's dead. She is definitely beautiful, but she needs to see how worth it she is to not be treated like that and that isn't always about looks.
    Quote Originally Posted by Miller22 View Post
    I thought the exact same thing. Poor Brennen Tammons.
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    I know, right? What the fuck, puke? Willing to take in Boston, an Irish dude and like, 17 dogs but not Ron? poor Ron.

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    Senior Member marycontrary's Avatar
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    She's still in a fog. Over time, she will come to see her altered thinking for what it was. You can tell her she is beautiful until you are blue in the face and she won't see it.

    I've been out of an abusive marriage for over 25yrs. I'm remarried to a normal guy. I'm surprised it lasted because I had so much baggage from the awful marriage. I've managed to shake off most of the bad shit, but some remains even still. And not just image shit, my ex-husband has forever changed the way I view shoes and he completely ruined my creativity. It sounds weird, but I no longer desire or trust in my ability to pick out carpet, wall color and drapes. It's weird the strange shit that a relationship can change about you.

    I do know beauty is a temporary thing and something shallow that has little real value. I know my husband makes me feel beautiful and loved. It doesn't matter to me what other people think about my beauty or lack of it. The people who love me, see my inner beauty.

    It sounds like her self image has been beaten to death. I'm sure she is not ready or able to take a compliment just yet and compliments about beauty might even make her feel uncomfortable. What she does need to know is that over time, she will be able to reflect on the bad relationship and will be astonished that he had so much power over her thinking.

    I have 2 kids with my ex. Our youngest doesn't want to have a relationship with him. He's abusive to anyone he claims to love and she is just not okay with that. He's done some shitty things and he's become a full time alcoholic. He calls and texts her continually and has for several years. Her birthday was a couple weeks ago and we had a little celebration with her at our house. As she was leaving, she told my hubby her headlight was out, had a new bulb, but couldn't get it in. So we went out to the drive way and we were installing the bulb and the ex shows up out of no where. She was pissed. I was uncomfortable and he attempted to help my hubby with the light. After the light was installed, he kept trying to hug me. What an awful feeling. He then walked into my backyard to look around, acting like we were a bunch of old pals. Truth be known, he is defective and has no real friends. He's a sad, short, and bald man with a beer belly and has managed to alienate everyone who ever cared for him. My hubby teased me about the whole thing. He kept trying to hug my hubby too. Hubby said it was clear to him that the ex has regrets and is desperate to connect on an intimate level. Not a sexual thing, but the intimacy that comes with long relationships. How a couple will read each others minds and finish their sentences. He will never know that kind of love.

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    Senior Member PeaceBeWithMe's Avatar
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    I, too, have been there.

    I'm not an overly religious person, but I remember, one night, laying in bed with my 5yo son. I was crying. He reached over, hugged me, and said, "Don't cry, Mommy. I have God in my heart and I'm going to put him in yours so you're not sad anymore."

    I left the next morning and never looked back.

    Here's hoping she finds her internal strength and that it doesn't take the words of a small child to set her life straight.


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    Senior Member Morbid_much's Avatar
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    Yeah, I think she's looks good but she'll have that voice in the back of her head that tells her I'm only saying this because I don't want to be rude or she'll tell herself that it's just those pics but she doesn't really look good irl. I talk from experience, No outside input is going to make her feel good about herself because that voice is way to strong.



    Brumby, I hope your friend finds the strenght to fight the voice that's putting her down.
    Last edited by bowieluva; 06-26-2015 at 01:53 PM.
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    Senior Member animosity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by songbirdsong View Post
    "Say, you know who could handle this penis? MY MOTHER."

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    Senior Member animosity's Avatar
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    i don't know what to say. there are so many reasons why a person stays in these types of relationships. maybe she can start by taking an inventory of the reasons she is staying. it could be fear, it could be finances, it could be lack of self worth. it's hard to untangle yourself and sometimes people are stuck because they never made provisions for leaving.

    here is a good image that explains the use of power and control to keep people from leaving. she may better understand her situation if she sees her situation reflected in the different sections of the wheel.

    the first step is understanding you are abused and to what extent.



    1.800.799.SAFE it's pretty easy to memorize.
    Quote Originally Posted by songbirdsong View Post
    "Say, you know who could handle this penis? MY MOTHER."

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