Suicide Prevention / Suicide Survivors Thread

[lostlilgirl]

[quote author=missberi link=topic=6444.msg1398097#msg1398097 date=1254083523]
I laid in bed for hours last night.  I am not "allowed" to take prescription sleeping meds anymore which honestly, I am happy for.  I was wide awake.  Every time I closed my eyes I had bad visions.  I say blood, and faces of things an people I didn't know.  I saw people vomiting and trying to break into my apartment.  I think I may have slept an hour maybe 2. 

Then I when I actually decided to get out of bed, I was driven into a realm of sadness.  I had trouble breathing or even taking a deep breathe.  The tears flowed...then I remembered how alone I used to feel.  And I am alone again. 

I CAN NOT! go back to were I was.  And it scares the shit of me. 
[/quote]

I am so sorry you are going thru that. Lack of sleep can make depression so much worse. I wish I could help.

Are you seeing a therapist? Please forgive me if I am getting too personal. I care & hope you are okay. 

[merdeath]

[quote author=lostlilgirl link=topic=6444.msg1398205#msg1398205 date=1254092414]
I am so sorry you are going thru that. Lack of sleep can make depression so much worse. I wish I could help.

Are you seeing a therapist? Please forgive me if I am getting too personal. I care & hope you are okay. 
[/quote]

No I am not.  I should be.  But number one I can't afford it now and number two, I don't feel that way all the time.  Like now I feel fine.  So annoying.

[lostlilgirl]

[quote author=missberi link=topic=6444.msg1399153#msg1399153 date=1254180560]
No I am not.  I should be.  But number one I can't afford it now and number two, I don't feel that way all the time.  Like now I feel fine.  So annoying.
[/quote]

It is so frustrating being okay one day & totally down the next. Yesterday, I had a pretty good day. Not sure why. I guess that is what keeps me going. I just wish the good ones outweighed the bad ones.....

[firefly]

I lost 3 friends to suicide.  To say it wasn't unexpected for 2 of them would be a lie.  It was a different time then though, not like the dinosaur ages or anything, lol, but I can honestly say I never remember seeing a billboard for a hotline to call, or teachers noticing something "different" about one of their pupils that the red flag would go off and they would send them off to a therapist.....or maybe they did sense it? And maybe, just maybe.......the parents didn't care enough, or maybe they DID care but were too fucked up themselves to help.  I dunno.  All I know is that it wasn't a huge surprise when a friend blew her brains out one night.  That knowing her for so many years?  Knowing life was just SO very hard for her to live?  We just all felt she was "free".  Free from the pain, from her world that, looking back?  Sucked.  At such a young age to have life SUCK, wow that was hard....And with no guidance or counseling or medication back then?  It was inevitable.

And then there is the other end of the spectrum.  A friend that hung himself.  Happy, shit eatin' grin all the time HAPPY.  Where the HELL that came from?  No one knows.  You have to hide your pain very well to shock everyone.  Inner demons? Most likely. 

We all have inner demons.  I have cancer.  I'm not a survivorrrrr or running for the freakin' cureeeeeeee, because it's all bullshit.  I'm dying.  Slowly.  But I am.  I, very honestly, would never harm myself.  I think chemo will do that for me.  I will disintegrate in front of my friends and family that love me so much, and pretty much die a horrible death.  Does that make it any better or easier  for those left behind?
I don't think it does.  Either way...they are going to suffer because of me.  Just as we suffer when we lose someone to suicide.  Both ways suck.  TY for listening. :-)

[just looking]

TORN~~~ i used to believe that it is a selfish thing to do, but then i started to think about my situation, I think that some just dont want to put love ones being thru them being here.  they might think UNSELFISHLY and want to not be a burden anymore on people they love.  Maybe an awakening one day about what they are doing, and them not being able to stop doing it and not wanting to put their loved ones and family through that anymore...that is what I believe my brother thought anyways.  did not want to have his newborn son grow up around the type of person he had become, and thought it would be better for that baby to remember thru friends and family about the way my brother used to be, not have that baby grow up seeing how bad it was.  I adore my brother and understand what he did, and love him for his unselfish act and decision he made for that baby.  Am I mad that he gave up..YES< mad that he did not try, YES, but i think he was so far gone, that he did not have enough faith in himself to pull through and did not want to risk that baby, and US, from going through anymore than he had already put us through.  This is a hard subject for me...my mother and my brother both "accidental overdose" but the accident part is what im not sure about...I love and miss them terribly either way.  my mother an amazing woman that raised 8 children.  she was very sick all the time for YEARS, and my brother bi-polar (btw- there is no doubt in my mind that steriods will be linked to major depression and bi-polar disorder, hence chris benoit and my brother's acts) i have been there, seen it all, and sometimes I think they just dont want to put us through anymore.  So in some instances, i think unselfishness drove them to do what they did, they love for us to finally let us live our lives because they maybe thought with them here, we would always be so focused on them, that we would never be able to do that.  just a thought...needed to vent...sorry!

[intrigued1csc]

[quote author=just looking link=topic=12478.msg1424937#msg1424937 date=1256402481]
TORN~~~ i used to believe that it is a selfish thing to do, but then i started to think about my situation, I think that some just dont want to put love ones being thru them being here.  they might think UNSELFISHLY and want to not be a burden anymore on people they love.  Maybe an awakening one day about what they are doing, and them not being able to stop doing it and not wanting to put their loved ones and family through that anymore...that is what I believe my brother thought anyways.  did not want to have his newborn son grow up around the type of person he had become, and thought it would be better for that baby to remember thru friends and family about the way my brother used to be, not have that baby grow up seeing how bad it was.  I adore my brother and understand what he did, and love him for his unselfish act and decision he made for that baby.  Am I mad that he gave up..YES< mad that he did not try, YES, but i think he was so far gone, that he did not have enough faith in himself to pull through and did not want to risk that baby, and US, from going through anymore than he had already put us through.  This is a hard subject for me...my mother and my brother both "accidental overdose" but the accident part is what im not sure about...I love and miss them terribly either way.   my mother an amazing woman that raised 8 children.  she was very sick all the time for YEARS, and my brother bi-polar (btw- there is no doubt in my mind that steriods will be linked to major depression and bi-polar disorder, hence chris benoit and my brother's acts) i have been there, seen it all, and sometimes I think they just dont want to put us through anymore.  So in some instances, i think unselfishness drove them to do what they did, they love for us to finally let us live our lives because they maybe thought with them here, we would always be so focused on them, that we would never be able to do that.  just a thought...needed to vent...sorry!
[/quote]



Don't be sorry, we welcome it. I am sorry for your loss. Welcome to MDS.

[just looking]

Thank you....RIP my brother SP and my mother MP.  I love and miss you guys! S- take care of mom until we all get there!!!

[d0tti]

How do you all overcome these feelings?

I get really irrational and can't seem to get rid of the feeling of i want to end it all. I feel okay right now, but i don't know when my next "irrational" episode will arise. I was seeing a therapist but thought i was fine - so i stopped. I can't afford a therapist or get into one for a month or two.
Don't know what to do :(

[White trash bitchy blonde]

[quote author=d0tti link=topic=6444.msg1445325#msg1445325 date=1258078294]
How do you all overcome these feelings?

I get really irrational and can't seem to get rid of the feeling of i want to end it all. I feel okay right now, but i don't know when my next "irrational" episode will arise. I was seeing a therapist but thought i was fine - so i stopped. I can't afford a therapist or get into one for a month or two.
Don't know what to do :(
[/quote]do you have close personal friends that you can call when you feel that way?  I wish you could have stayed with your therapist, they can really help in finding you ways to deal with things like this. 

maybe you just need to sit back, breathe in real deep and think to yourself about all the things you would be missing out on if you ended it all.  Do you have kids?  Ive been in spots like the ones you described and i have to think of my children, my mom, my husband.  That calms me enough to get me back to where i am thinking rationally. 

[d0tti]

I don't have many friends left, a lot of them left me when i went through severe depression three years ago and my recent ex, who was my best friend -we stopped talking a few days ago. No kids, no partner, no friends, i have my mum but she is pretty sick of my constant downs.

I have been getting really teary and panicky, like bursting into tears and hyperventilating. I tried making an appointment with my doctor but she is away for a week. I guess i'm just really alone.

[White trash bitchy blonde]

[quote author=d0tti link=topic=6444.msg1445363#msg1445363 date=1258079612]
I don't have many friends left, a lot of them left me when i went through severe depression three years ago and my recent ex, who was my best friend -we stopped talking a few days ago. No kids, no partner, no friends, i have my mum but she is pretty sick of my constant downs.

I have been getting really teary and panicky, like bursting into tears and hyperventilating. I tried making an appointment with my doctor but she is away for a week. I guess i'm just really alone.
[/quote]Maybe it's time for you to realize that you are still depressed and you need to make some serious changes to keep yourself safe.  Try to find the good things in life.  Get out, try something new, make some friends and try to be more positive. 

I know what depression is like and it is very painful.  I have suffered from it for 16 years and although i cant get rid of it, i know its there.  but there are soo many people who love me and i need to be around for them just like you have people that love you as well.  You need to see a doctor, maybe antidepressants would work for you, it never hurts to try right? 

I hope this all works out for you and if you need to talk, there is usually someone here who can talk you thru things. 

[nolajersey]

It's been a year since my good friend committed suicide.  I still have a lot of feelings of guilt about it.  Like maybe if I have been there for him more this wouldn't have happened.  I know it's ridiculous for me to feel that way.  I just can't let the guilt go.  I wish he was still here raising his baby girl. 

[IcingSugar]

[quote author=nolajersey link=topic=6444.msg1449082#msg1449082 date=1258490377]
It's been a year since my good friend committed suicide.  I still have a lot of feelings of guilt about it.  Like maybe if I have been there for him more this wouldn't have happened.  I know it's ridiculous for me to feel that way.  I just can't let the guilt go.  I wish he was still here raising his baby girl. 
[/quote]


I think it's normal to feel that way. My friend did it after finding the gun we hid from him because we were scared he would hurt himself. :( I still feel guilty even after trying so hard and it has been 8 years.

[lostlilgirl]

[quote author=IcingSugar link=topic=6444.msg1449118#msg1449118 date=1258492874]

I think it's normal to feel that way. My friend did it after finding the gun we hid from him because we were scared he would hurt himself. :( I still feel guilty even after trying so hard and it has been 8 years.
[/quote]

It's things like this that are one of the reasons I would never attempt suicide. I could not hurt those who love me. No matter how hard living is.

Today is my birthday. 45 years old. Ugh. (for me - not saying that about anyone else who is this age)

[IcingSugar]

[quote author=lostlilgirl link=topic=6444.msg1450299#msg1450299 date=1258590569]
It's things like this that are one of the reasons I would never attempt suicide. I could not hurt those who love me. No matter how hard living is.

Today is my birthday. 45 years old. Ugh. (for me - not saying that about anyone else who is this age)
[/quote]

I agree. And happy birthday sweetie.

[lostlilgirl]

[quote author=IcingSugar link=topic=6444.msg1450303#msg1450303 date=1258590707]
I agree. And happy birthday sweetie.
[/quote]

Thank you hun. 

[sogs]

nm

[Dillon2222222]

REMOVE ADAM HAUF FROM THIS SITE OR GET THE FACTS RIGHT, HE DID NOT GET A DWI 4 DAYS PRIOR TO HIS DEATH, HE TURNED HIMSELF IN FOR A WARRANT OF DWI THAT HE HAD FOR ABOUT 5 MONTHS BEOFRE. FIX THIS CRAP OFF YOUR SITE. YOU GUYS HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY "HE TOOK HIS OWN LIFE" WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW THE 1/4 OF THE STORY, TAKE HIM OFF YOUR WEBSITE.

[StarrySky87]

Have you seen this YouTube video? I'm pretty shocked about the fact the guy FIRST took some pictures and THEN reacted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBMulaxdGYk

[PCP777]

[quote author=StarrySky87 link=topic=6444.msg1489767#msg1489767 date=1262097087]
Have you seen this YouTube video? I'm pretty shocked about the fact the guy FIRST took some pictures and THEN reacted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBMulaxdGYk
[/quote]


He saved her. He explains it.

[StarrySky87]

[quote author=PCP777 link=topic=6444.msg1490351#msg1490351 date=1262125403]

He saved her. He explains it.
[/quote]

I know he does, but I still can't believe it. He should have reacted much quicker instead of taking pictures of her. Damn, what would you think if someone stood there?

[deeply shaded]

[quote author=StarrySky87 link=topic=6444.msg1490750#msg1490750 date=1262154115]
I know he does, but I still can't believe it. He should have reacted much quicker instead of taking pictures of her. Damn, what would you think if someone stood there?
[/quote]

If I saw someone doing that in front of me I'd be completely stunned. I don't know what I'd do.

[StarrySky87]

[quote author=deeply shaded link=topic=6444.msg1490754#msg1490754 date=1262154588]
If I saw someone doing that in front of me I'd be completely stunned. I don't know what I'd do.
[/quote]

At least I wouldn't take pictures. That's what I mean, you know? Of course I'd be stunned, but I think I would try and talk her out of it or pull her over the railings, something like that.

I saw this videotape which the surveillance cameras of the Golden Gate Bridge recorded in 2004. Some of the people jump to their death while passers-by are standing almost next to them, appreciating the sight. I'm not judging these people (those who jumped to death), but couldn't they have waited until they were mostly alone? Not with an old woman standing next to them? How stupid is this?

Ah ... I know this leads to nothing. Just wanted to express my thoughts about this Golden Gate Bridge suicide thing.

[americanfridge]

Excellent resource :)

[decorusnex]

[quote author=firefly link=topic=6444.msg1402746#msg1402746 date=1254531593]
And then there is the other end of the spectrum.  A friend that hung himself.  Happy, shit eatin' grin all the time HAPPY.  Where the HELL that came from?  No one knows.  You have to hide your pain very well to shock everyone.  Inner demons? Most likely. 
[/quote]
For xmas I got my dad a slide scanner since all the pictures we have from growing up are slides, not actual photos.  Was looking at them with my mom and she remarked how happy I was as a kid.  Just because you smile on the outside doesn't mean you mean it from the inside.  :|  I may have smiled for pictures but I wasn't happy, still am not.  At this point I don't think it is possible.