Suicide Prevention / Suicide Survivors Thread

[lostlilgirl]

[quote author=decorusnex link=topic=6444.msg1522469#msg1522469 date=1264830779]
For xmas I got my dad a slide scanner since all the pictures we have from growing up are slides, not actual photos.  Was looking at them with my mom and she remarked how happy I was as a kid.  Just because you smile on the outside doesn't mean you mean it from the inside.   :|  I may have smiled for pictures but I wasn't happy, still am not.  At this point I don't think it is possible.
[/quote]

I feel exactly that way too.

[gutsywoman]

[quote author=StarrySky87 link=topic=6444.msg1489767#msg1489767 date=1262097087]
Have you seen this YouTube video? I'm pretty shocked about the fact the guy FIRST took some pictures and THEN reacted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBMulaxdGYk
[/quote]

This is from a movie called "The Bridge"  It's about the golden gate bridge and how many people kill themselves on it every year.  They talk to parents and friends and survivors.  It's not like he was standing there holding the camera for most of the footage.  He just set up cameras in the park and on the bridge and let them roll.  It's a pretty haunting film.

[StarrySky87]

@gutsywoman: I know it happened by accident. But well .. Enough said.

Folks, what do you think about this?

"im making this becoze i feel lyk joing the people i love and thinka will soon :( :( :("

I found this here: http://mark-mcmanus.gonetoosoon.org/

I'm pretty sure Mark McManus himself wrote it and I'm not sure if I should contact the website administrators?! Does anybody of you live in Sunderland?

[deeply shaded]

[quote author=StarrySky87 link=topic=6444.msg1524284#msg1524284 date=1265027401]
@gutsywoman: I know it happened by accident. But well .. Enough said.

Folks, what do you think about this?

"im making this becoze i feel lyk joing the people i love and thinka will soon :( :( :("

I found this here: http://mark-mcmanus.gonetoosoon.org/

I'm pretty sure Mark McManus himself wrote it and I'm not sure if I should contact the website administrators?! Does anybody of you live in Sunderland?
[/quote]  Just as well contact them. What can it hurt, ya know?

I wonder if this is him.

http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-184221970.html

HEARTBROKEN Sheila Remmer faces an agonising wait to see if her grandchildren will be struck by the same rare heart disorder that claimed the lives of her husband and their 31-year-old daughter.

Sheila's daughter, also called Sheila, died of dilated cardiomyopathy just two days before Christmas.

The disease, which causes an enlarged heart, also claimed the life of her 49-year-old husband, Ernie, 12 years ago.

Now Sheila has to take her grandchildren, Terri-Leigh and Mark McManus to see genetic experts next week to find out if they have inherited ...

[gutsywoman]

[quote author=StarrySky87 link=topic=6444.msg1524284#msg1524284 date=1265027401]
@gutsywoman: I know it happened by accident. But well .. Enough said.

Folks, what do you think about this?

"im making this becoze i feel lyk joing the people i love and thinka will soon :( :( :("

I found this here: http://mark-mcmanus.gonetoosoon.org/

I'm pretty sure Mark McManus himself wrote it and I'm not sure if I should contact the website administrators?! Does anybody of you live in Sunderland?
[/quote]

I'm really sorry you are struggling so much.  And I want you to know that I completely understand.  I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression for most of my adult life and am currently in the midst of trying to find some way to manage it again.  The bitch of it is that I just don't want to manage anything anymore.  The idea of doctor's appointments and counseling appointments and medications that won't work and side effects that are crippling is as overwhelming as getting out of bed in the morning. 

But I have kids. 

I feel like I not only have the responsibility of making sure I'm alive and they don't have to live with the legacy of having a mom who killed herself, but I have the responsibility of really being present for them.  It goes against everything I want, but suicide is just a luxury I can't afford.  And I guess at the end of the day, it's not that I want to die, it's more that living has become so difficult.  I have to figure out how to make it easier and carry on from there. 

[StarrySky87]

[quote author=deeply shaded link=topic=6444.msg1524285#msg1524285 date=1265028336]
 Just as well contact them. What can it hurt, ya know?

I wonder if this is him.

http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-184221970.html

HEARTBROKEN Sheila Remmer faces an agonising wait to see if her grandchildren will be struck by the same rare heart disorder that claimed the lives of her husband and their 31-year-old daughter.

Sheila's daughter, also called Sheila, died of dilated cardiomyopathy just two days before Christmas.

The disease, which causes an enlarged heart, also claimed the life of her 49-year-old husband, Ernie, 12 years ago.

Now Sheila has to take her grandchildren, Terri-Leigh and Mark McManus to see genetic experts next week to find out if they have inherited ...
[/quote]

For God's sake, I'm really scared ... I contacted GoneTooSoon via Twitter because the only other possibilities were to write them a letter or to call them. I hope they take my alert serious. No response yet.  :|

[Pyvsi]

HI Folks!

I've only read 14 pages of the thread so far. Good on you for having this resource here.

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but if you're a US Veteran,

http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/ and 1-800-273-TALK are here for ya too.

The cool thing about the website is they have a live chat counselors available 24/7 if the typing/IM scene is more comfortable for ya.

I first came to this site because my cousin committed suicide and it brought out all kinds of crazy emotions in me; reminded me of when I was suicidal a couple of years prior. The only way I felt like coping was through some off the wall, morbid s#it. It's not easy for me to talk about these things seriously, but it is important to do so, sometimes.
I sometimes joke that laziness and procrastination saved my life - because I was suicidal for about a year but just "never got around to it."

It's not that simple, obviously, and it is pretty serious. That was a huge decision I wrestled with daily, and I didn't try to get help at the time. (I was still in the Army)
I was afraid that the counselors would go all Dr. Phil on me and tell me that whatever I was suffering from was my fault; that I chose pain because there's some kind of obvious "payoff." (I had only seen Dr. Phil one time and that's pretty much what he said.) I already felt like a loser who couldn't get anything right and the last thing I needed was to feel guilty for my pain.
Then there were chaplains - didn't want to talk to them either, because I was afraid they would tell me everything was my fault for rejecting Jesus or something. Not to mention I was a chaplain assistant and I knew the chaplains too well to trust them with my pain. So I bore all my heavy issues alone until I finally decided I wasn't going to kill myself.

That was a very painful struggle, and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. Anyone in that much pain, considering suicide, - get some stinkin' help already. If the "help" you're getting doesn't do anything for ya, fire their asses and find someone who knows what they're doing. Seriously. And if you're afraid that "help" is going to screw you over (like I was) - give them a chance to prove your theory first before you write them off.

Well, that's that. Back to my sarcastic morbid self. 

[Pyvsi]

By "this site" I mean MDS in general, not the suicide thread. This wasn't up yet.

[PCP777]

edited to delete personal information.

[PCP777]

[s]Sleuthes? Check my work?


So apparently some girl named Katherine  a friend of my daughters, just called her and told her that she ingested anti freeze in an attempt to kill herself. We have called 911, all we have is a cell number  Rockwall High. Can't find her 75087 zip code. I'd like to try to give a way to see if this girl is OK.


So Rockwall PD is here, trying to get a number for the dad, found out his name is , gave it to the cops. He's a truancy officer for RISD. Butt she lives in Rowlett. I hope we can get someone to tthis ggirl soon.[/s]


OK looks like the police are on scene, someone reached the father. I actually was able to produce the name of this girls father before the police could.


Good news, she didn't ingest the anti freeze and police are on the scene. Might just be a bunch of drama but the police we really glad Sam got involved.

Pray.

OK since they've been located I will delete the info, please do not quote.

[MBPearls]

My stepfather committed suicide Wednesday night.  While it's not the first time I've had to cope with a suicide, it's definitely the first I've been this close to. 

I just can't feel anger, despite everyone saying that I should.  I don't know if this is healthy or not.

I will miss him greatly.  He was the smartest person I knew.  He got very sick in 2004 and suffered some irreparable brain damage to the memory center of his brain, and struggled since then with his short-term memory.  He was unable to enjoy many hobbies he had, all because of his memory and cognitive abilities.  I know this caused him great pain and distress. 

I just know that wherever he is, he's back to his "old" self and he'll always be watching over me.

[sogs]

[quote author=MBPearls link=topic=6444.msg1613391#msg1613391 date=1272780036]
My stepfather committed suicide Wednesday night.  While it's not the first time I've had to cope with a suicide, it's definitely the first I've been this close to. 

I just can't feel anger, despite everyone saying that I should.  I don't know if this is healthy or not.

I will miss him greatly.  He was the smartest person I knew.  He got very sick in 2004 and suffered some irreparable brain damage to the memory center of his brain, and struggled since then with his short-term memory.  He was unable to enjoy many hobbies he had, all because of his memory and cognitive abilities.  I know this caused him great pain and distress. 

I just know that wherever he is, he's back to his "old" self and he'll always be watching over me.
[/quote]My natural reaction is to say I'm sorry for your loss. I am sorry there is a loss.

No one can tell you how you should feel. As long as you are dealing it isn't required that you be angry. 

[bowieluva]

[quote author=MBPearls link=topic=6444.msg1613391#msg1613391 date=1272780036]
My stepfather committed suicide Wednesday night.  While it's not the first time I've had to cope with a suicide, it's definitely the first I've been this close to. 

I just can't feel anger, despite everyone saying that I should.  I don't know if this is healthy or not.

I will miss him greatly.  He was the smartest person I knew.  He got very sick in 2004 and suffered some irreparable brain damage to the memory center of his brain, and struggled since then with his short-term memory.  He was unable to enjoy many hobbies he had, all because of his memory and cognitive abilities.  I know this caused him great pain and distress. 

I just know that wherever he is, he's back to his "old" self and he'll always be watching over me.
[/quote]
What's the point in feeling anger? That won't make anything different. No one knows how you should feel about anything except you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I was much closer to my stepdad than my father and his passing continues to stick with me.

[epyokme]

I cant believe a site like this exit. Well it does help as there are many troubled teens are going to commit suicide. Everyone can change though with proper guidance. I'll pass the info. And I am just new here still figuring things out hoping that my stay here will be a whole new experience.

[sogs]

[quote author=marj80 link=topic=6444.msg1622943#msg1622943 date=1273797545]
Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
[/quote]

:| 

[cybotron_500]

Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds.


nothing is ever 'chosen' then.

[snowie_cate]

Before I start rambling on in text, I just want to say that I've had an urge to state my purpose for "lurking" MDS for so long and this seems the most appropriate topic for it. If I need to move this post, let me know because I definitely don't want to be an annoying noob.  :|

I've been coming to MDS for as long as I can remember, but the frequency of my visits increased greatly after my mother committed suicide sometime in early September 2008. She had been chronically ill for over 25 years with Hepatitis C, MS and some form of mental disorder (depression for sure, but bipolar disorder was suggested by doctors). She was also a heavy drug user, self-medicating for the physical and mental pain she was in.

I first thought that my mom was going to commit suicide when I was four years old -- one day, I walked into her bedroom and asked what we were going to have for lunch. As I rounded the corner, I saw that she had a gun in her mouth. I was too young to realize what she was intending, of course, but I knew something was wrong. My father was out of town and my little brother (who was two at the time) and myself were the only others home.

When my mom explained the situation later in my life, she said that she was in a lot of pain and knew that she wanted to die. However, when I asked her why she didn't end her life, she said: "Well, your father was going to be gone for another few days. I thought about leaving food for you kids, but then I realized you'd probably burn the house down trying to cook it. I made the choice to wait until all of my children could take care of themselves before deciding to leave this earth."

And she waited 14 more years before she actually did it. I can't remember a time in my childhood or adolescence when I didn't have the thought, "Hey, my mom might not be here some day, I should appreciate the time I have with her." Other family members even made it a point to tell my siblings and I that our mother was “very sick” (we later realized that they knew there were both physical and mental factors) and that we should cherish her presence in our lives as long as we could.

From my extensive research of suicides on MDS, I have come to realize that I had advantages that other suicide survivors did not: A knowledge and acceptance of what was eventually going to happen.

I think that because of that knowledge, as well as understanding the sacrifice she made (and the pain she endured) to stay in our lives as long as she did, her suicide hit me incredibly hard. My father drove 200 miles to tell me that they had found her dead in her apartment of an Oxycontin overdose a week after the fact, news that he deemed “impossible” to deliver over the phone. I’m glad that he did -- I’m sure that if I had found out otherwise, I would have killed myself, too.

I started losing the will to go on after a month of playing the "strong family member" role for everyone else (my brothers went through a year of therapy afterward, and my dad is still coping everyday with the pile of guilt and pain that she left him with). I had previously visited MDS for random time-killing between homework assignments, but when I shut myself away from the world, the first place I turned was MDS, searching suicides and their etiologies. It was cathartic and therapeutic for me to see that I wasn’t alone in my pain, and I believe that MDS is a large part of the reason behind why I didn’t commit suicide myself. I saw the pain and suffering that others went through after the suicides of loved ones, even when I couldn’t recognize it in my own life. I realized that even if I didn’t feel like going on, I HAD TO -- and that eventually, I would WANT to keep living, too.

I hope that anyone who is considering suicide can take comfort in the fact that things WILL get better. In obituaries, it is always said that a person’s spirit will “live on forever”, and it does. Your life may stop when you decide to leave this earth, but the life you led with those around you never does -- it goes on with everyone missing you and asking why you couldn’t have held on just a little longer, at least.

I finally got an account because I felt like a creepy lurker, and because my family is getting tired of hearing about MDS articles over dinner conversation and small-talk, so I might as well comment with people who are actually interested in them, too. As I said before, I consider myself indebted to MDS for helping me realize that I couldn’t abandon my place in this life, no matter how hard things were getting for me.

Thank you,

Cate Snyder

[Monter]

Welcome Cate im so sorry for your loss. That is an amazing perspective, thank you for sharing it with us.

[ICDEDPPL]

[quote author=snowie_cate link=topic=6444.msg1630328#msg1630328 date=1274491801]
I can't remember a time in my childhood or adolescence when I didn't have the thought, "Hey, my mom might not be here some day, I should appreciate the time I have with her." Other family members even made it a point to tell my siblings and I that our mother was “very sick” (we later realized that they knew there were both physical and mental factors) and that we should cherish her presence in our lives as long as we could.[/quote] I am sorry.

[ravenpup]

Dear Cate; Wow.  Thank you for sharing your heart in your post.  I am touched by your honesty and vulnerability. I am glad that you held on and found some perspective that helped you. 

[loeildeverre]

[quote author=just looking link=topic=6444.msg1424937#msg1424937 date=1256402481]
TORN~~~ i used to believe that it is a selfish thing to do, but then i started to think about my situation, I think that some just dont want to put love ones being thru them being here.  they might think UNSELFISHLY and want to not be a burden anymore on people they love.  Maybe an awakening one day about what they are doing, and them not being able to stop doing it and not wanting to put their loved ones and family through that anymore[/quote]

I go through that struggle everyday

I remember my first suicidal thought being when I was 10. I just knew that I did not want to live and I don't ever remember being happy. Now 13 years later, I still wake upo everyday not looking foward to life. I live with this emptiness and so much pain, just so much pain from my fucked up life.

I have decided to live not because I want to but because I don't want to fuck up the lives of my brothers and mother. Me killing myself would cause them so much pain so I go on living,against my will..


But yet my I am starting to feel that my very presence is fucking them up. I am an emotionally unstable and sad being, Today I overreacted to something my little brother did and I am shocked at my actions. He would be happier without me in his life yet would be traumatized if I killed myself.

I just have so many burdens. Everyday life is a nightmare. I also cannot sleep. I have had a hellish two years with my mother losing custody of my youngest brother and I know she is not ok. I have to be there for her and support her. I decided long ago that if I were to go through with my plans I'd have to make it look like it's not a suicide. I just want the pain to stop.

[NapalmDave)))]

I have had manic depression since i was 12, Suicidal thoughts soon followed, I'm not sure what triggered it all but it was first noticed at 12, I have attempted suicide 13 times since then, The last time was the last for good i think, I do believe God intervened, I shall explain, Ok i am 6'1 220, At the time of my last suicide attempt which was 2004i was about 190, After many attempts to get clean off heroin i finally said fuck it for the last time and hung myself from the rafter in my moms garage, Now here is where it gets shit weird, My step dad is 6'6 and weighed at the time 300 pounds (Anyone else such as my mom or little brother would not have been able to get me down due to how high up i was hanging) He has never before or since came home for lunch except that day, He said he did not know why he did, He just did, He parked in front of the garage about 8 minutes or so after i hung myself (which is also unusual, he usually parked on the other side of the house about a 100 feet from the garage, which if he had he would not have seen me hanging through the garage window) I was hanging about 4 feet off the ground (My feet were 4 feet off the ground i mean) due to the garage having a high center, So for a short person there is no way they could have got me down, My dad ran in the garage and Lifted me up high enough to rip the rope down from the rafter, Which i also do not know how he did because it was a thick rope, But anyways if not for him coming home when he did i would be dead now, Well i was dead then, I had been dead for a minute or so because he said i was blue and not breathing, Luckily for me he knew cpr, Point to the whole story is I've been there, It sucks, Suicidal thoughts are a bitch to deal with, And now that i am clean off hard drugs (Heroin, Opiates, etc) i no longer have a crutch to drown the thoughts away with, Which is good and bad, I also have 3 kids now which makes it a little easier to ignore the depression, But i am afraid one day it will all be to much and this time no one will be there to save me from myself...And what makes me feel even worse is the fact that i do have 3 beautiful kids and they are my life, They make everything better, but when you have uncontrolled depression then sometimes not even they are enough, So it ends up making you feel like an even bigger piece of shit and failure, Its a no win situation, I just pray and pray and hope that it doesnt come back...

[loeildeverre]

@ napalmdave- When I read posts like these I really don't know what to say, I could say " you wills  get through this" but I usually hate when people tell me those simplesms ( is it a work? if not It is a word now!)

You will be in my prayers, my friend

@soultosqueeze-- Thanks :-) right back at you- I am not allowed to PM for some reason :|

[deeply shaded]

[quote author=loeildeverre link=topic=6444.msg1641395#msg1641395 date=1275800031]
@ napalmdave- When I read posts like these I really don't know what to say, I could say " you wills  get through this" but I usually hate when people tell me those simplesms ( is it a work? if not It is a word now!)

You will be in my prayers, my friend

@soultosqueeze-- Thanks :-) right back at you- I am not allowed to PM for some reason :|
[/quote]

You have to have 10 posts before you can PM. Just post in a couple of threads.  :-D

[loeildeverre]

[quote author=deeply shaded link=topic=6444.msg1641396#msg1641396 date=1275800109]
You have to have 10 posts before you can PM. Just post in a couple of threads.  :-D
[/quote]

Thanks

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