Suicide Prevention / Suicide Survivors Thread

[yellowCake1]

[quote author=nolajersey link=topic=12478.msg1080182#msg1080182 date=1226844242]
A good friend of mine that I have know since I was 15 (30 now) hung himself in the middle of the night 3 days ago.  His wife found him and it was too late to save him.  I have never known anyone who killed themselves before.  It's so hard for me to understand.  I am sad and hurt but I am also so angry.  Then I feel guilty for being angry.  I am just so angry that he left his daughter without a father and his wife without a husband.  I am so angry that he left us all to deal with pain of losing someone who meant the world to us.  Is anger normal?   
[/quote]

I'm only guessing because no one that close to me has killed themselves. I would say  feeling every emotion possible during the grieving period is possible. So yes, to be angry at what he has done to you and his family is normal and not selfish

My thoughts are with his family. Welcome to MDS

[Deviant Toaster]

[quote author=nolajersey link=topic=12478.msg1080182#msg1080182 date=1226844242]
A good friend of mine that I have know since I was 15 (30 now) hung himself in the middle of the night 3 days ago.  His wife found him and it was too late to save him.  I have never known anyone who killed themselves before.  It's so hard for me to understand.  I am sad and hurt but I am also so angry.  Then I feel guilty for being angry.  I am just so angry that he left his daughter without a father and his wife without a husband.  I am so angry that he left us all to deal with pain of losing someone who meant the world to us.  Is anger normal?   
[/quote]

Anger is very normal in the case of suicide, because suicide leaves you with the never answered question of why and feeling helpless. Our minds make us feel as though we may have been able to prevent what happened. Though we could not have our mind toys over and over again with the 'what ifs'. Even if there is a note, or the reason why is known,  the why question doesn't go away. You will run the whole gamut of emotions. Well at least that has been my experience.

Welcome to MDS. Don't be afraid to talk about it. It does really help and with suicides there is still such stigma attached to it that people don't talk about what is going on. They rarely talk about the person, etc., that is not good.

[kniki217]

I think suicide isn't just black and white, but sometimes it is really selfish.

I've been dealing with depression and anxiety since i started high school, but it got really bad in college. It was my first semester at college, i hadn't really talked to my friends since graduation, and to make things worse my boyfriend who i was very much in love with at the time broke up with me for another girl. I got so depressed I couldn't take it anymore. All i did was sleep because I wanted the pain to go away. Once i actually pulled myself together long enough to get a shower and the whole time i just cried. Nothing anyone said made a difference. Finally I snapped and drank a whole bottle of nyquil and took half a bottle of vicoden that i had gotten when i had my wisdom teeth taken out. I lie there on my bed thinking about what I just did and how it would affect my sister and grandma and mom and aunt and i realized i was being selfish and couldnt do that to them. So, i called my mom and told her what i did. She took me to the hospital and i checked myself in for depression. The point being....I didn't go through with it because I knew what i was doing was selfish.

I also know someone that killed himself. This guy i graduated with died in a motorcycle accident and 3 days later his cousin hung himself, because they were like brothers and he couldn't handle the loss.

I couldn't imagine losing a son and a nephew in the same week.  :-(

[deeply shaded]

[quote author=kniki217 link=topic=12478.msg1081110#msg1081110 date=1226896558]
I think suicide isn't just black and white, but sometimes it is really selfish.

[/quote]

I'm glad you were able to overcome your depression and survive.

My peeve with people calling it selfish is this. It may be selfish to kill yourself, but the fact that a person feels their life is bad enough that dying is the only way out of the pain trumps other people.

If I decide to off myself because I am so overwhelmingly sad, in so much pain or whatever my reasons may be, the people who actually have balls enough to think of themselves over my pain and say that I am selfish can just go fuck themselves.

[nolajersey]

[quote author=yellowCake1 link=topic=12478.msg1080188#msg1080188 date=1226847175]
I'm only guessing because no one that close to me has killed themselves. I would say  feeling every emotion possible during the grieving period is possible. So yes, to be angry at what he has done to you and his family is normal and not selfish

My thoughts are with his family. Welcome to MDS
[/quote]

[quote author=Deviant Toaster link=topic=12478.msg1080192#msg1080192 date=1226847831]
Anger is very normal in the case of suicide, because suicide leaves you with the never answered question of why and feeling helpless. Our minds make us feel as though we may have been able to prevent what happened. Though we could not have our mind toys over and over again with the 'what ifs'. Even if there is a note, or the reason why is known,  the why question doesn't go away. You will run the whole gamut of emotions. Well at least that has been my experience.

Welcome to MDS. Don't be afraid to talk about it. It does really help and with suicides there is still such stigma attached to it that people don't talk about what is going on. They rarely talk about the person, etc., that is not good.
[/quote]
Thank you both for your welcome to the board.

I think the hardest this so far in dealing with my friends death is (like you said) no one it talking about it.  I feel like I haven't had a chance to deal with what happened because everyone is sweeping in under the rug.  No one want to talk about the good times either.  It's like they want to pretend he never existed.  I am having a hard time with that. 

[Deviant Toaster]

[quote author=nolajersey link=topic=12478.msg1081453#msg1081453 date=1226939365]
Thank you both for your welcome to the board.

I think the hardest this so far in dealing with my friends death is (like you said) no one it talking about it.  I feel like I haven't had a chance to deal with what happened because everyone is sweeping in under the rug.  No one want to talk about the good times either.  It's like they want to pretend he never existed.  I am having a hard time with that. 
[/quote]


That happens a lot with suicides, but it is not fair to the survivors or the deceased. Please feel free to talk about your feelings and your friend with us. Even though we didn't know him it may help. After all you only buried his physical being not all of the memories that you share of him.

[la-dee-fuckin-da]

ive been a member for over a year now and this isnt the easiest thing thing for me to talk about, but i think about killing myself on a regular basis. with my health problems and so forth every fucking day i wonder if "today" is the day? i dont think that i could intentionally kill myself but i know that everything i do to my body causes a major inpact on it and eventually i will die.

[FemmeFatality]

[quote author=tattoodee27 link=topic=12478.msg1086868#msg1086868 date=1227172388]
ive been a member for over a year now and this isnt the easiest thing thing for me to talk about, but i think about killing myself on a regular basis. with my health problems and so forth every fucking day i wonder if "today" is the day? i dont think that i could intentionally kill myself but i know that everything i do to my body causes a major inpact on it and eventually i will die.
[/quote]

  please don't ever do that.  Are you in therapy?

[nolajersey]

[quote author=tattoodee27 link=topic=12478.msg1086868#msg1086868 date=1227172388]
ive been a member for over a year now and this isnt the easiest thing thing for me to talk about, but i think about killing myself on a regular basis. with my health problems and so forth every fucking day i wonder if "today" is the day? i dont think that i could intentionally kill myself but i know that everything i do to my body causes a major inpact on it and eventually i will die.
[/quote]Can I ask why/what makes you feel that way?  If that is too personal please don't answer and I apologize for being so forward. 

[deeply shaded]

[quote author=tattoodee27 link=topic=12478.msg1086868#msg1086868 date=1227172388]
ive been a member for over a year now and this isnt the easiest thing thing for me to talk about, but i think about killing myself on a regular basis. with my health problems and so forth every fucking day i wonder if "today" is the day? i dont think that i could intentionally kill myself but i know that everything i do to my body causes a major inpact on it and eventually i will die.
[/quote]

I've had periods in my life where I've thought about it daily.

If you kill yourself with things you do to your body, and I don't know what you're speaking of for sure, that really muddies the waters. A lot of people basically kill themselves with food/alcohol/drugs, etc. That's about total lifestyle changes and a really hard thing to do.

Rambling here. Anyway, if you need to vent or just talk PM me. 

[la-dee-fuckin-da]

[quote author=tattoodee27 link=topic=12478.msg1086868#msg1086868 date=1227172388]
ive been a member for over a year now and this isnt the easiest thing thing for me to talk about, but i think about killing myself on a regular basis. with my health problems and so forth every fucking day i wonder if "today" is the day? i dont think that i could intentionally kill myself but i know that everything i do to my body causes a major inpact on it and eventually i will die.
[/quote]

i thank you all for everything you said, but it's just not something i can talk about all the time. i do hope that my drinking/on pain meds help me out with this  :|

[FemmeFatality]

[quote author=tattoodee27 link=topic=12478.msg1088254#msg1088254 date=1227255599]
i thank you all for everything you said, but it's just not something i can talk about all the time. i do hope that my drinking/on pain meds help me out with this  :|
[/quote]

drinking/on pain meds at the same time?  Please don't do that.  I almost lost my brother last year around this time for the same thing.  It was not on purpose and he thought he was "in control" but if my dad hadn't come home to use the bathroom on his way to get a hair cut, my brother would be dead right now.

[skindeep_curiosity]

[quote author=tattoodee27 link=topic=12478.msg1088254#msg1088254 date=1227255599]
i thank you all for everything you said, but it's just not something i can talk about all the time. i do hope that my drinking/on pain meds help me out with this  :|
[/quote]

:kiss3: Please take care of yourself, sweetie. And please please please let me know if you ever need to talk to someone, okay?

[mydeathspace]

[quote author=tattoodee27 link=topic=12478.msg1088254#msg1088254 date=1227255599]
i thank you all for everything you said, but it's just not something i can talk about all the time. i do hope that my drinking/on pain meds help me out with this  :|
[/quote]

Snap out of it!

[swordfish001]

people that "attempt" suicide are pathetic, either do it or dont.

how can you "attempt" to kill yourself anyway?
its not very hard to do and doing it by accident is even more pathetic.

think of everyone who is less fortunate than you, starving to death or dieing from things they can not stop and to carelessly throw your life away or even attempt to so you get pity is utterly pathetic.

the only person your death hurts is the people who love you and if no one loves you then screw them, live your life for you.

[deeply shaded]

[quote author=swordfish001 link=topic=12478.msg1093839#msg1093839 date=1227639158]
people that "attempt" suicide are pathetic, either do it or dont.

how can you "attempt" to kill yourself anyway?
its not very hard to do and doing it by accident is even more pathetic.

think of everyone who is less fortunate than you, starving to death or dieing from things they can not stop and to carelessly throw your life away or even attempt to so you get pity is utterly pathetic.

the only person your death hurts is the people who love you and if no one loves you then screw them, live your life for you.


[/quote]

Welcome to MDS. You are clearly an idiot. We just lost one so have an opening for another. Again, welcome.

[sue_vicious]

[quote author=deeply shaded link=topic=12478.msg1093846#msg1093846 date=1227639317]
Welcome to MDS. You are clearly an idiot. We just lost one so have an opening for another. Again, welcome.
[/quote]
Which idiot did we lose?!?!

[ipromiseyou]

[quote author=swordfish001 link=topic=12478.msg1093839#msg1093839 date=1227639158]
people that "attempt" suicide are pathetic, either do it or dont.

how can you "attempt" to kill yourself anyway?
its not very hard to do and doing it by accident is even more pathetic.

think of everyone who is less fortunate than you, starving to death or dieing from things they can not stop and to carelessly throw your life away or even attempt to so you get pity is utterly pathetic.

the only person your death hurts is the people who love you and if no one loves you then screw them, live your life for you.


[/quote]

Let me put it into perspective for you, would you tell someone with cancer to just snap out of it??  No.  Just like cancer, aids, etc. Depression is a DISEASE.  I have had several suicide attempts that SHOULD have killed me.  I have over dosed (yes, being allergic to vicodin and taking thirty of them and never going to the hospital is pretty severe, or taking over 500 tablets of tylenol should at least cause liver problems/failure, taking  50mg of Xannax should not just put you to sleep)  I never had my stomach pumped, never told anyone until years later as a matter of fact... When you can not escape an indescribable pain, you would rather be dead.  Not to mention, I have slit my wrists and should have bled to death, but, it didn't happen. 

I believe there is a greater purpose for me, that's my only logical explanation for not being dead.  Do not place yourself in the shoes of those you can't fit in.  I am an agoraphobic with severe depression, I have not dealt with the depression to the extent I had it for years and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.

[deeply shaded]

[quote author=ipromiseyou link=topic=12478.msg1094541#msg1094541 date=1227661705]
Let me put it into perspective for you, would you tell someone with cancer to just snap out of it??  No.  Just like cancer, aids, etc. Depression is a DISEASE.  I have had several suicide attempts that SHOULD have killed me.  I have over dosed (yes, being allergic to vicodin and taking thirty of them and never going to the hospital is pretty severe, or taking over 500 tablets of tylenol should at least cause liver problems/failure, taking  50mg of Xannax should not just put you to sleep)  I never had my stomach pumped, never told anyone until years later as a matter of fact... When you can not escape an indescribable pain, you would rather be dead.  Not to mention, I have slit my wrists and should have bled to death, but, it didn't happen. 

I believe there is a greater purpose for me, that's my only logical explanation for not being dead.  Do not place yourself in the shoes of those you can't fit in.  I am an agoraphobic with severe depression, I have not dealt with the depression to the extent I had it for years and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.
[/quote]

You'll get over that. I haven't said that in years. When I read a post like the one from swordfish I hope and wish with my whole heart that they get an enormous dose of depression. And I hope it kills them. There is no room in my heart for assholes such as this who spew garbage about something they know nothing of. Fuck swordfish.

In other news, I'm happy to hear that you did survive. That's a pretty amazing story. 

[InsanelySane]

To those of you who say suicide is selfish...

Try living just 1 day in the shoes of someone who feels nothing but pain and see's nothing but darkness.  Experience how it feels to cry inside.  How it feels when you are surrounded by family and friends who you KNOW love you YET you still feel SO ALONE.  Someone who is in the suicidal state doesnt sit to think about who will miss them, for some reason most of them think of how better it will be for their friends and family if they were gone.  No more disappointments to themselves and others.  Suicide is NOT easy.  Can you hang yourself willingly?  Can you jump off a 30 story building sober?  How about shoot yourself in the head.... still be alive and then shoot yourself AGAIN?!?  EASY PSSSSH!

[gutsywoman]

[quote author=swordfish001 link=topic=12478.msg1093839#msg1093839 date=1227639158]
people that "attempt" suicide are pathetic, either do it or dont.

how can you "attempt" to kill yourself anyway?
its not very hard to do and doing it by accident is even more pathetic.

think of everyone who is less fortunate than you, starving to death or dieing from things they can not stop and to carelessly throw your life away or even attempt to so you get pity is utterly pathetic.

the only person your death hurts is the people who love you and if no one loves you then screw them, live your life for you.


[/quote]

You are a huge douche bag. 

[gutsywoman]

A suicide stops time.  Before it happens it is unimaginable.  When it does happen it feels unreal, out of time.  Illness prepares you for death, and you can explain an accident.  You can rail away at fate or get angry at the other person, or even the person who was killed for being drunk at the wheel, or careless.  You can be stunned but you can grieve.

You can't get angry at a suicide and you can't grieve.  If you ask why any possible answer seems to implicate you.  Your questions become guilty: How did I fail her?  What could I have done?

A suicide is an extreme act.  Without motive it seems a defeat of the self, a pointless punishment - incomprehensible perhaps even mad, and the implications of madness are as disturbing as those of motive.  It raises the question whether depression as a mere set of malfunctioning neurons, with no relation to circumstance could drive someone to kill themselves.

A clinical depression can make the act of living too painful to go on with, but my mother's suicide clearly had great meaning for her; she chose it's form and time so carefully, carried it out so well.  I think her depression became unbearable as her life became unbearable because she no longer perceived of a future.  To stay alive is to project yourself into the future every second,  to lose your future is a kind of death in life.  -Signe Hammer


This was taken from a book I am reading called By Her Own Hand.  It's a series of essays by women writing on madness and that particular passage totally spoke to me. 

I firmly believe that people who attempt or succeed in suicide don't necessarily want to die so much as that living has just become so hard.  Suicide seems like the sensible choice.  Anyway I just thought I'd share.

[InsanelySane]

You know... it's really sad how SOME people who have cried out don't get heard until they are dead.  I have had severe suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old.  I am now 26 and still have them.  I have taken over 23 medications, been through intense therapy, hospitals and even had Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) done.  Do you think I'm looking for attention?  Even when my close friends don't even know I have anything wrong with me because I am embarressed?  The thing that hurts me the most out of all this is that I DON'T want to die... BUT my brain tells me to.  I don't know if this makes any sense?  What I'm trying to say is people who contimplate suicide arent always looking for attention as SOME say they do.  It's sad.  I have lost family and friends to suicide.  They were sick just like me. 

Reach out... Listen and at least try to understand.

[bekkyboo1985]

[quote author=InsanelySane link=topic=6444.msg1108220#msg1108220 date=1228685121]
You know... it's really sad how SOME people who have cried out don't get heard until they are dead.  I have had severe suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old.  I am now 26 and still have them.  I have taken over 23 medications, been through intense therapy, hospitals and even had Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) done.  Do you think I'm looking for attention?  Even when my close friends don't even know I have anything wrong with me because I am embarressed?  The thing that hurts me the most out of all this is that I DON'T want to die... BUT my brain tells me to.  I don't know if this makes any sense?  What I'm trying to say is people who contimplate suicide arent always looking for attention as SOME say they do.  It's sad.  I have lost family and friends to suicide.  They were sick just like me. 

Reach out... Listen and at least try to understand.


[/quote]

It makes perfect sence. That's probably the best description of how a suicidal mind works 

[Nikki0509]

I think about it sometimes when life gets tough, but i don't think i'd ever do it. I can't do that to my family and my boyfriend. Plus with my crappy family I feel like I need to be there for my younger sister.  :|