Suicide Prevention / Suicide Survivors Thread

[leapfreak]

[quote author=hollisann link=topic=12478.msg736762#msg736762 date=1203541155]
I have shared some of my story in a prior thread, but can give a rundown for those who haven't seen it.

When I was 9 (my sister was 7)my father shot himself while my sister and I were asleep upstairs.  My mom had left him (he was a VERY abusive alcoholic and cocaine user) and finally and we were living about 5 miles from him.  On the night it happened he broke into our house and cut the phone wires.  He was searching for my mom, but couldn't find her, so he came upstairs to the bedroom my sister and I shared.  He woke us up, told us he loved us very much and he had left presents for us downstairs.  He then told us to put our heads under our pillows and go back to sleep (of course we did what we were told, we were half asleep and it seemed like a dream).  We were woken up an hour (maybe less) later by a sobbing police officer in our bedroom (he was sobbing because he thought we were dead - the pillows were still over our heads), and whisked out of the house to the neighbors. 

I just looked out the window of the neighbor's house and said to my mom - he's dead, isn't he?  I found out from my uncle when I was 18 that he had left a suicide note explaining why he had killed himself, his wife, and both of his daughters.

I have been through counseling, but think the whole experience made me a much stronger person.  I have never even considered suicide and have definitely discussed the impact it had on my life with some friends who were depressed.

Unfortunately, I have married a man a lot like my father (without the abusive part) - I think in a effort for my subconscious to "save him".  I am afraid every day that he will commit suicide and my daughter will end up without a father like I did.

Sorry for the long story - just wanted to share  :oops:
[/quote]

Your story always amazes me hollisann.  I can't even begin to imagine how someone deals with something like that.  You are a very strong lady.  Thank you for sharing 

[MorbidCuriousity]

holisann you are an amazingly strong person. When I met you in person your attitude is so light and carefree! 

[hollisann]

[quote author=Morbid Curiosity link=topic=12478.msg736806#msg736806 date=1203543234]
holisann you are an amazingly strong person. When I met you in person your attitude is so light and carefree! 
[/quote]
Going through stuff like that when you're a kid teaches you to push all your stress to the back of your brain so you can have a normal functional life.  Usually I have a lot of bad stress from stuff going on at home, but you wouldn't be able to tell if you were around me.  I'm generally a pretty happy person and don't dwell on the stress in my life.  Unfortunately, I think it is a coping/survival skill that not everyone has.  There would probably be less suicides in this world if everyone could do that :)

[MorbidCuriousity]

If you could bottle that and sell it you'd be rich!

[hollisann]

[quote author=Morbid Curiosity link=topic=12478.msg736813#msg736813 date=1203543807]
If you could bottle that and sell it you'd be rich!
[/quote]
It's not always a good thing though - it keeps me from dealing with my "issues"  :-(

[love4life]

Who ever said suicide is the easy way out is naive, There are not always other courses of action. My fiance was dying. He was in constant pain, Chemo almost killed him, he was 25 years old with a 3 year old daughter and he couldn't even bend over to give her a hug with out crying out in pain. I would sit by his side many nights and just rub his body til he fell asleep because it was that only relief he got. He has no medical insurance and the medications were not working. How can you call just wanting the pain to stop an easy way out??? That is not only mean but it easy for you to say.

[jeneria]

[quote author=love4life link=topic=12478.msg741404#msg741404 date=1203837956]
Who ever said suicide is the easy way out is naive, There are not always other courses of action. My fiance was dying. He was in constant pain, Chemo almost killed him, he was 25 years old with a 3 year old daughter and he couldn't even bend over to give her a hug with out crying out in pain. I would sit by his side many nights and just rub his body til he fell asleep because it was that only relief he got. He has no medical insurance and the medications were not working. How can you call just wanting the pain to stop an easy way out??? That is not only mean but it easy for you to say.


[/quote]

I am so sorry.  I'm bipolar and have found myself on the end of ending it all.  I understand where your fiance was coming from.  There is a moment where one sees the world without them in it and the world is a better place.  And that is scary, but I imagine that if I had a child or were in constant paint, I would see it as a way of ending everyone's pain.  I would never see suicide as easy and I sympathize with his choice.  Suicide is not always black and white, it's far more complex and very few take it lightly.  I'm sorry for your loss. . .

[kaucasionkunt]

[quote author=FB007 link=topic=12478.msg732939#msg732939 date=1203224095]
Suicide is taking the easy way out when you are unable to cope with others around you.  I lost 2 family members to suicide in the last 6 months and I feel if the people who commit this act could only
see the hurt and anguish they leave behind maybe they would reconsider.  Suicide is demonic and once initiated will cause others to think about it who have never thought about it in the past.  I have
experienced 3 other family members who now through counseling have expressed thoughts of suicide when those thoughts were not there before.  If anyone who reads this post is considering or ever has
considered suicide please remember that its not as quick and easy as you might think.  Those who are left behind have to suffer with your loss for the rest of their lives and it is very painful.  I think about
my 2 family members every day and usually have at least one nightmare a week. 
[/quote]


I'm not sure I agree with this statement. I don't believe that suicide is selfish, nor do I believe suicide should be considered as "taking the easy way out." What I read as being selfish is, "I feel if the people who commit this act could only
see the hurt and anguish they leave behind maybe they would reconsider" Well, maybe if you can put YOUR FEELINGS aside, and try to see all the obvious pain and hurt the person who committed this act was in, you'd feel differently. Obviously someone who commits suicide does it to end something that they can no longer control. Have faith that they are happier now than they were when they were here on Earth.

[sarabei]

There is NOTHING "demonic" nor "possessing"  about suicide.  It is a tragic act committed in a moment of utter pain and despair that no one who hasn't gone through it can comprehend.  These people see no alternative, they don't see the people that love them and want to help.  They are blind to all but their pain....it is tragic and painful..these people don't EVER need to be judged.

[sarabei]

I don't remember the name, but she is in an article on MDS, she actually committed suicide while online.  This one truly haunts me cause if you read her live journal you can see her descent towards suicide SO clearly....at one point she asks people who want to live why they want to?  What makes them want to get out of bed?  What joy do they find in life..she really wanted to know...it broke my heart...truly.

[gutsywoman]

Three years ago I tried to kill myself and woke up 3 days later on a respirator and 5 point strapdown.  At the time I was struggling with an acute addiction, and had been fighting and scratching, and straining to get sober for two years with very little progress and absolutely no hope.  I was truly convinced that I absolutely could not use anymore and absolutely sure that I couldn't not use.  My life was a complete hell, and because I couldn't string together more than 3 days sober at a time it was killing the people who cared about me too.  Looking at my husband's sweet face crumple with sadness when he walked into the house at noon and found me completely faced right after I had just told him I was sober as a judge was worse than any physical injury I suffered during my active addiction.  I made my mother cry on many occasions because I couldn't get my shit together.  Watching my best girlfriend distance herself from me because she was so afraid I was going to die and in her words, "She couldn't let herself love someone so deeply that was hell bent on self destruction." was agonizing.  Suffering alcohol poisoning at least twice a month, and finally just feeling so boxed in by all that grief and disappointment made suicide seem like the only answer that made any sense.  It wasn't so much that I wanted to die, as it was that living had just become so difficult.  My life was absolutely harrowing for myself and everyone who gave a shit about me.  I felt like if I could just remove myself from the equation that everyone would be better off.  I was confident that nothing I did would ever change the fact that I was a disgusting, worthless addict.  My life just came apart, and I decided to go with it. 

Obviously I am so glad now that I never succeeded, and that the monkey that was on my back with a grappling hook turned out not to be as tough as me or the people who love me.  I had no idea then how good my life could be.  Saying that suicide is selfish isn't completely untrue, but it's not that black and white either.  I am sure that there are a million other circumstanced that are the deciding factors when other people decide to kill themselves, but I can promise you that I never once decided to do it to purposely hurt anyone or teach anyone a lesson or make anyone feel bad.  On the contrary I was sure that my death would be a relief to a lot of people.  I'm glad they never had to find out if it was a relief or not.  Now those bitches are stuck with me. :)

[MorbidCuriousity]

[quote author=gutsywoman link=topic=12478.msg745311#msg745311 date=1204081347]
Now those bitches are stuck with me. :)
[/quote]

And us... and I feel lucky. Wow, I never would have thought you had been through that. You come across as very stable and level-headed.

[gutsywoman]

[quote author=Morbid Curiosity link=topic=12478.msg745669#msg745669 date=1204122285]
And us... and I feel lucky. Wow, I never would have thought you had been through that. You come across as very stable and level-headed.
[/quote]

Well thanks, that's such a nice thing to say.  I erased that post about 4 times before I finally hit enter and even after wanted to go back and remove it cause it's such a personal bit of information, but when I see people say things in an absolute form, like "Suicide is selfish," it makes me so uncomfortable. I am not going to lie and say that a huge part of why I did what I did wasn't because I wanted to stop feeling so bad all the time, it certainly had a huge impact on my decision but that wasn't all of it.  I just felt so out of options I guess. 

Think about it this way,  you're on a crowded city bus and its dizzyingly hot and uncomfortable in the middle of a blistering august with no AC and there is some lady right in front of you with breath that smells like mothballs, and a dude behind you who reeks like a dead horse that you could smell from a block a way who won't keep his hands off your ass, and you are packed in so tight that you aren't even sure you'd be able to make it to the exit in time to get off once you reach your stop without elbowing and fighting your way out.  Now imagine you can ride that mofo another 80 blocks like that or you can get off right now and STILL be in the same spot you would be if waited for those 80 blocks... what would you do? 

I dunno.  Like I said in my original post, I am sure that there are a million different reasons why people decide to take their own lives and I don't profess to be an expert on that kind of behavior but I do know what hopelessness feels like.  People should know that when a person does do this, that in the  end boiling their entire existence down to the label of suicide victim cheats that person out of  their humanity.  Like Bex's husband.  I am sure that he was an amazing, smart, gorgeous, hilarious, kind, beautiful, tender, nurturing and loving man, and dismissing all of those attributes because he had one terrible moment where he couldn't see beyond his pain just seems abysmally unfair to her and to him to his children.  Suicide is a brutal punctuation mark but it's not the summation of a life.

[MissKitty11]

Thank you for posting your story. It touched my heart so much b/c I can relate. I'm really glad you are doing well now. 

[leapfreak]

[quote author=gutsywoman link=topic=12478.msg746183#msg746183 date=1204168493]
Well thanks, that's such a nice thing to say.  I erased that post about 4 times before I finally hit enter and even after wanted to go back and remove it cause it's such a personal bit of information, but when I see people say things in an absolute form, like "Suicide is selfish," it makes me so uncomfortable. I am not going to lie and say that a huge part of why I did what I did wasn't because I wanted to stop feeling so bad all the time, it certainly had a huge impact on my decision but that wasn't all of it.  I just felt so out of options I guess. 

Think about it this way,  you're on a crowded city bus and its dizzyingly hot and uncomfortable in the middle of a blistering august with no AC and there is some lady right in front of you with breath that smells like mothballs, and a dude behind you who reeks like a dead horse that you could smell from a block a way who won't keep his hands off your ass, and you are packed in so tight that you aren't even sure you'd be able to make it to the exit in time to get off once you reach your stop without elbowing and fighting your way out.  Now imagine you can ride that mofo another 80 blocks like that or you can get off right now and STILL be in the same spot you would be if waited for those 80 blocks... what would you do? 

I dunno.  Like I said in my original post, I am sure that there are a million different reasons why people decide to take their own lives and I don't profess to be an expert on that kind of behavior but I do know what hopelessness feels like.  People should know that when a person does do this, that in the  end boiling their entire existence down to the label of suicide victim cheats that person out of  their humanity.  Like Bex's husband.  I am sure that he was an amazing, smart, gorgeous, hilarious, kind, beautiful, tender, nurturing and loving man, and dismissing all of those attributes because he had one terrible moment where he couldn't see beyond his pain just seems abysmally unfair to her and to him to his children.  Suicide is a brutal punctuation mark but it's not the summation of a life.

[/quote]

I totally agree with both of your posts gutsy and I'm glad that you are doing so much better now

I know a lot of people think that suicide is selfish but I think it's easier to understand if you try to put yourself in that person's position.  Imagine that everything that possibly could go wrong has gone wrong and you can't see any other way out.  Everything you do just seems to hurt everyone around you and there doesn't seem to be any way that you could ever make it up to them.  They'd be better off if you weren't around because all you do is cause pain to everyone around you.

That's a tiny bit of how I felt.  It's hard to understand why someone would harm themselves as it's a very personal thing.  Everyone's reasons are different. 

[tgyta]

[quote author=gutsywoman link=topic=12478.msg746183#msg746183 date=1204168493]
Well thanks, that's such a nice thing to say.  I erased that post about 4 times before I finally hit enter and even after wanted to go back and remove it cause it's such a personal bit of information, but when I see people say things in an absolute form, like "Suicide is selfish," it makes me so uncomfortable. I am not going to lie and say that a huge part of why I did what I did wasn't because I wanted to stop feeling so bad all the time, it certainly had a huge impact on my decision but that wasn't all of it.  I just felt so out of options I guess. 

Think about it this way,  you're on a crowded city bus and its dizzyingly hot and uncomfortable in the middle of a blistering august with no AC and there is some lady right in front of you with breath that smells like mothballs, and a dude behind you who reeks like a dead horse that you could smell from a block a way who won't keep his hands off your ass, and you are packed in so tight that you aren't even sure you'd be able to make it to the exit in time to get off once you reach your stop without elbowing and fighting your way out.  Now imagine you can ride that mofo another 80 blocks like that or you can get off right now and STILL be in the same spot you would be if waited for those 80 blocks... what would you do? 

I dunno.  Like I said in my original post, I am sure that there are a million different reasons why people decide to take their own lives and I don't profess to be an expert on that kind of behavior but I do know what hopelessness feels like.  People should know that when a person does do this, that in the  end boiling their entire existence down to the label of suicide victim cheats that person out of  their humanity.  Like Bex's husband.  I am sure that he was an amazing, smart, gorgeous, hilarious, kind, beautiful, tender, nurturing and loving man, and dismissing all of those attributes because he had one terrible moment where he couldn't see beyond his pain just seems abysmally unfair to her and to him to his children.  Suicide is a brutal punctuation mark but it's not the summation of a life.

[/quote]

well said...to both of ur posts.

I was going to respond to ur first post but I wasn't even sure how.  It kinda wow'd me I guess.  I love how u ended that first one to "bitches are stuck with me"...I love it when people end a serious comment with a little humor..nicely done. 

I'd like to thank u for ur story too...U have no idea how happy I've been to have found this site and heard everyones story...it really gives me more insight than I thought I was ever going to get in this whole situation.  I know I'll never understand it completely...but it does help.  a lot.  so yea...thanks.  and good luck with the twins too!  Twins run in my family like...twice or  more a generation right now...they're a handful but they're worth it.

[trningxlane]

My twin brother committed suicide on May 7, 2007...10 months ago on Friday. It seems like losing your twin, especially this way, hurts more and more every day. I feel so helpless without him.

[trailerparktrash]

[quote author=trningxlane link=topic=12478.msg755560#msg755560 date=1204762397]
My twin brother committed suicide on May 7, 2007...10 months ago on Friday. It seems like losing your twin, especially this way, hurts more and more every day. I feel so helpless without him.
[/quote]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I hope you and your family are doing ok.

[MissKitty11]

[quote author=trningxlane link=topic=12478.msg755560#msg755560 date=1204762397]
My twin brother committed suicide on May 7, 2007...10 months ago on Friday. It seems like losing your twin, especially this way, hurts more and more every day. I feel so helpless without him.
[/quote]

Oh no, I am so sorry for your loss. How are you coping?

[DaisyRave]

I lost my mom to suicide when I was 9 years old. We were home alone at the time and she came back from taking a walk in the woods behind our house and said that she just did something really bad and needed to get to the hospital. We had to wait for my dad to get home because this was in the days before cell phones. We rushed her to the hospital but she went into a coma and died a week later. I've never really been to therapy and it's so hard to even type this because I don't like telling people about it.

Then on May 21st 2006 my best friend committed suicide by hanging himself in his army barracks. His MDS is listed here:

http://www.mydeathspace.com/article/2007/05/20/Eric_Smith_aka_Kinetik_(23)_took_his_own_life_by_a sphyxiation_in_his_army_barracks

Eric was taking a lot of drugs for a few months before his death. He started dating a 15 year old girl, and I had stopped talking to him because I was so angry and hurt and confused as to why he was fucking up his life like that. There's a lot more to these stories than what makes it on to MDS.

I miss both of them terribly.

[MissKitty11]

Welcome to MDS Daisy. I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine what you've been through. It took a lot of courage to tell your story here since you don't really like telling people about it. Maybe posting on this site will help you grieve. Have you ever thought about therapy? It could help. It's done wonders for me in helping with depression and other personal things I've gone through.

[MorbidCuriousity]

Hi, Daisy. I agree with MissKitty. Therapy would be really good. If it's a matter of money or insurance there are often groups you can find to sit and talk.

Thanks for telling us your story. There are definitely members here who can relate.

[DaisyRave]

Aw thanks guys. I've been lurking at MDS since the very beginning, but after my friend died and ended up on here, I couldn't look for a long time. I've tried going to therapy a few different times, and I always get scared and stop going. I really enjoy hearing other people's stories though, it helps remind me that I'm not alone in this.

Anyone ever heard of or done the "Out of the Darkness" walks? I'd kinda like to get a team going in the Seattle/Bellingham WA area.

[alexinmn]

[quote author=DaisyRave link=topic=12478.msg763268#msg763268 date=1205276899]
Aw thanks guys. I've been lurking at MDS since the very beginning, but after my friend died and ended up on here, I couldn't look for a long time. I've tried going to therapy a few different times, and I always get scared and stop going. I really enjoy hearing other people's stories though, it helps remind me that I'm not alone in this.

Anyone ever heard of or done the "Out of the Darkness" walks? I'd kinda like to get a team going in the Seattle/Bellingham WA area.
[/quote]

Daisy, thank you for sharing a little of your life experiences here, I know it must have been hard. I have experienced similar losses as yourself. I have done the walk often and learned alot from actual survivors and their families and friends.

http://www.outofthedarkness.org/

I lived in Seattle (capitol hill actually) and there are a lot of services for therapy. I agree with MC and MissKitty about the view on therapy. It helped back then and still helps today to a degree.

I wish you all the best. The walk is great and I would encourage you to follow through on it.

[pinkhair4me]

[quote author=Karalicious link=topic=12478.msg733191#msg733191 date=1203259292]
I think "demonic" is a poor choice of words. And I don't believe it to be the easy way out, either. Think about death for a second. It's final. It's basically a human being's number 1 fear. All other fears are under that umbrella, when you think about it. Why are you afraid of heights? Because you are afraid you will fall and die. Etc. So taking that huge step...that finality....that tremendous fear...and actually going forward with it and killing yourself? I don't see how anything about that is easy.
[/quote]

  That's a very good point,Kara.Remembering the human drive for survival might give us some insight to suicide,simply because it IS a drive for survival.
When ending pain becomes more important than that knee-jerk reactive instinct to stay alive at all costs,or even staying alive to ensure the survival of offspring...it's a little easier to empathize,I think.

Thank you,Gutsy,for sharing your story.I'm so glad you lived,and happier that YOU are happy youve lived.

Welcome,trning,and Daisy.

  Trning,10 months  ago is not that long.I can't imagine losing a twin.

I'm sorry .There are some  groups made up of surviving twins that get together once a week or so,like group therapy.
Have you looked for any in your area? They might help.Not trying to tell you what to do,just want to offer support.