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Thread: the elderly, we love them but dang.....

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    Senior Member marshmallow's Avatar
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    the elderly, we love them but dang.....

    with an assist to Sarabei.

    We've been discussing this topic by pm and I figured I'd take it out of private and into public in case we're not the only two who are/were our parent's keepers. Maybe share stories, smiles, tears, and how to cope with them and for them.
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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    Senior Member marshmallow's Avatar
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    As my profile says, I am my Mother's keeper. She's my problem child. I love her but she's more work than I remember my sons being. She's in a nursing home near me and I spend 3-4 days a week with her. It's a doozy of a ride. She's a tough old bat and she is stronger than anyone I've ever met. She's been on and off hospice once already. She has beaten cancer twice, multiple health issues and a couple of mental ones. She has both Glaucoma and Macular Degeneration. She's a multitasker. She's a retired (local) newspaper writer and an avid reader who can't see more than light and dark and fuzzy things. She is mid-dementia which to me means she's now aware that she's progressing and can't do a damn thing about it. That is the definition of 'hell on Earth' if you ask me. She's 8ty freakin' 8, 87 if you ask her. Getting custody of Mom overlapped my youngest moving out so I'll take all the elderly care advice and shared stories I can get. It's a club I never thought I'd be in and I know I'm not the only one.
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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    Senior Member morbidT's Avatar
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    Do you have a support system?

    I have an aunt in a nursing home. She's had a few strokes and the last one, Christmas evening, was a doozy. She's been in the hospital a couple of times since then. But, my cousin is in the same boat as you. She was recently laid off so she has been spending a lot of time at the nursing home. She was taking care of my aunt at home, but it became too much. There are three kids, but this cousin is the only one willing to help. They are 50, 49, 39 (I think. Pretty close). The 50 year old won't lift a finger, but is stealing and selling things from the house. The 39 year old just moved out, for the first time, this month. The 50 year old told him he had to get out. She's doing some terrible things. I'm pretty sure my 39 year old cousin has a form of Autism. He does work and never misses. He does not communicate very well. You can ask him a question and he will just look at you. It's not that he isn't intelligent, because he is. He's also an amazing artist. He still thinks like an adolescent. Anyway, in order to save the farm from the nursing home cashing in on it, it needed to go into my 39 year old cousin's name. The girls haven't lived at home for ages so they weren't eligible for the deed transfer (this is what I've been told). The 50 year old told the 39 year old he needed to sign some papers and he did. Then she told him he had to get out. She has a friend who has a duplex. She packed up a bunch of crap, dumped it off over at the duplex, and changed the locks on the farm house and is planning on moving in. The 39 year old doesn't even know the house is in his name. The 49 year old doesn't know what to do. No one has mentioned what is going on to the aunt because they are afraid what it will do to her. It's horrible. I feel for my cousin who is doing everything to help my aunt and my 39 year old cousin. He's a very sweet person and will help you do anything. His world is torn upside down.

    So, the whole point to my ramble is, I hope you have some type of support system. I see the stress my one cousin has and it's not good. You must think about yourself sometimes. Do something for you. Buy something for yourself. Hang out at home and relax. Don't forget about you.





    This situation is not to be confused with my gma. This aunt-mom's sister. Gma-dad's mom.


    Quote Originally Posted by blighted star View Post
    ..... it wasn't anything personal, she just mistook him for a serial killer......

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    Member BugBug's Avatar
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    Oh Marshmallow and Morbid I'm so sorry for your predicaments. I feel for you and understand completely. I'm no longer in my situation (has been over 19 years since my folks passed away) but it still feels like yesterday. Morbid is correct, make sure you have a support system. Because you burnout so easily.

    My story goes something like this:

    My dad had a bypass from his gut down his leg, in the 70's. This bypass ended up getting a small pin hole in it in the early 90's. Unknown to us and really to him that pin hole started to fill up and became the size of a soccer ball. He went in to have it removed (at a hospital 600 miles away) and ended up having to have a triple heart by-pass before the could work on the other situation. He spent several weeks there with two of my sisters (there are 8 of us) and my mom. With me driving down most weekend with my year old son. He was able to finally have the original operation and was air lifted back to our hometown. During the ride, he aspirated and ended up on a vent. He had to be weaned off the vent once he got back. This took a month. (He was 82 at the time). We watched him struggle with this weaning and it was horrific. At the end of the month they performed a tracheotomy when he went down for the count the first of many times. He was also a smoker and was struggling with emphazyma. In the middle of this my mother was struggling with what she thought was bronchitis. She was 67. She finally had a stress test done and they said she was just fine. She suffered a massive heart attack the next week and died a day later. In the same hospital my dad was struggling in.

    From this point on they releasted him to his home where my sister, myself and one brother took turns staying with him and taking care of him at night. Two other sisters and a brother lived out of state. Leaving two other brothers who just basically ignored the situation. We were able to get him home health care for the days because we all worked full time. But it was so expensive. My sister took a leave of absence from her job and took over some of the day time duties while my brother and I took turns on the overnights. He went back and forth to the hospital and home many times being near death and somehow coming back to life. We started looking into a nursing home but he contracted resistant staph infection and none of the nursing homes had room at the time for someone infected with this. My father finally died a year later almost to the day that my mother died. I'm surprised he lasted that long because he was devistated by my mother's death.

    After my mother died my one brother from out of state moved back to "help". This consisted of him living at my dad's house and going thru house and selling anything of value for his own financial gain. After my father's death, he loaded up a uhaul and moved back to Chicago, taking with him anything of worth that had been left from his ransacking the previous 8 months.

    It's horrific and horrible. It leaves a lasting impression on you. I'm glad I was able to be there for them, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will have to say I have lived thru the shocking, quick death of my mother and the agonizing, nearly two year detorioration of my father and will have to say the quick, shocking was much more humane. I also feel like my child was robbed of awesome grandparents and his first few milestones I don't even recall because I was in such a blur.

    Hang in there ladies.

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    Senior Member marshmallow's Avatar
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    I adopted my Mother's bingo tablemate. Bingo is when my Mom sleeps and I play her cards and mine. Last week I won twice, hooked Mom up with $1 for the horse race game. Her table friend doesn't have any family. Never married, no kids. A friend visits once in a while but really she's alone. That's pretty sad. But it's sadder if you do have family and they live in the same city and only visit on the guilt holidays. I imagine there are some with families like you mentioned. People kind of suck.
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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    Senior Member morbidT's Avatar
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    That's so sweet. Hopefully, someone will adopt me when the time comes.

    Bingo is some serious bidness.


    Quote Originally Posted by blighted star View Post
    ..... it wasn't anything personal, she just mistook him for a serial killer......

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    Moderator bowieluva's Avatar
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    My mom told me she wants me to just let her wander into the woods when she gets senile. I was like naw gurl you gonna live with me and ruin my life and make my husband leave me and alienate my family and...wait yeah the woods thing is fine.

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    Senior Member morbidT's Avatar
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    I kind of like the idea of the woods thing myself.


    Quote Originally Posted by blighted star View Post
    ..... it wasn't anything personal, she just mistook him for a serial killer......

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    Senior Member marshmallow's Avatar
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    if it weren't for global warming we could just let them pick a ice floe, give them a banana and a kiss and give them a good shove off. ah the good old days!
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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    Senior Member morbidT's Avatar
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    I could go for a banana.


    Quote Originally Posted by blighted star View Post
    ..... it wasn't anything personal, she just mistook him for a serial killer......

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    Senior Member bermstalker's Avatar
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    My mom is a binge drinker. Has always been.

    I think she has the beginning of some kind of memory loss thing going on.
    The other day she rode the bus into town and had to sit down in the street because she didn't remember where she was/who she was/ or anything for a few minutes. She was scared. She also puts food on to cook and forgot about it. I had to buy her a smoke alarm to put by her stove.

    It's hard to help somebody that doesn't want help- and it's hard to help them with they have a serious addiction attached to some medical problems.

    Marsh-Big hug to you and your mother.

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    Senior Member morbidT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bermstalker View Post
    My mom is a binge drinker. Has always been.

    I think she has the beginning of some kind of memory loss thing going on.
    The other day she rode the bus into town and had to sit down in the street because she didn't remember where she was/who she was/ or anything for a few minutes. She was scared. She also puts food on to cook and forgot about it. I had to buy her a smoke alarm to put by her stove.

    It's hard to help somebody that doesn't want help- and it's hard to help them with they have a serious addiction attached to some medical problems.

    Marsh-Big hug to you and your mother.
    Sooooo true.

    Did you make sure to check the batteries, in the smoke detector, this past weekend? It's always a good reminder to check/change the batteries with the time change(s).


    Quote Originally Posted by blighted star View Post
    ..... it wasn't anything personal, she just mistook him for a serial killer......

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    Senior Member bermstalker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by morbidT View Post
    Sooooo true.

    Did you make sure to check the batteries, in the smoke detector, this past weekend? It's always a good reminder to check/change the batteries with the time change(s).
    I just put it in for her about 1 mth ago.

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    Senior Member morbidT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bermstalker View Post
    I just put it in for her about 1 mth ago.
    Okay. Just checking.


    Quote Originally Posted by blighted star View Post
    ..... it wasn't anything personal, she just mistook him for a serial killer......

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    Senior Member marshmallow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bermstalker View Post
    My mom is a binge drinker. Has always been.

    I think she has the beginning of some kind of memory loss thing going on.
    The other day she rode the bus into town and had to sit down in the street because she didn't remember where she was/who she was/ or anything for a few minutes. She was scared. She also puts food on to cook and forgot about it. I had to buy her a smoke alarm to put by her stove.

    It's hard to help somebody that doesn't want help- and it's hard to help them with they have a serious addiction attached to some medical problems.

    Marsh-Big hug to you and your mother.

    your mom's getting a double whammy. memory loss from alcohol abuse and from old age both at the same time :( that's scary.
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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    Senior Member Harlette's Avatar
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    my mom mom passed about 10 yrs ago all of a sudden from aneurysm (which sucked, she was the best mom ever) - i used to travel alot for work and when that happened and i was home, i saw my step mom was really in declining health - so i quit my job, got one here and took care of her for 8 years, she had so many problems 10 years ago they were giving her about 6 months to live, so i did the research myself and got her to the right dr's - she improved so much - we actually had alot of fun even though it really was a lot of work between taking care of her orginizing the dr's the meds and all that crap and still also cleaning their house and i worked 50 hours a week at night managing a resturant and going to parents house during the day - but she had a blood pressure attack and went to the hospital and she caught a hospital staff - a mutated version of c-diff, which is 100% resiliant against antibiotics and kills in 4 days - but i am so gald i did it, wouldn't have traded the last years with her for any thing

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    Senior Member Twinmutha's Avatar
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    I;m so sorry guys. It's so hard watching the ones you love just fade away. My grandmother was my mother. She raised me and was my everything. We were trying to get her to move in with me or my mother but she was so setting her ways that she refused and said she didn't need help. My daughters (3yo twins) and I would go and pick her up and take her to lunch every week. She loved the three of us but was nasty to everyone else. It was weird. Anyway, she was hospitalized and was put on oxygen and stopped leaving the house. We got her out for Thanksgiving last year and she died two days later on her couch. She looked peaceful. I know she refused to go into a home and didn't want anyone taking care of her. I'm glad it never got to that. She would of beat some ass. LOL God, I loved her and miss her terribly. I told my husband to just throw me on a boat with a margarita and a book and push me to sea. LOL

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    Sofa King Tired PunkerDuckie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by morbidT View Post
    I could go for a banana.
    Worst. Lesbian. Ever.
    Quote Originally Posted by UncomfortablyNumb View Post
    I want that fucking meat.

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    Senior Member bermstalker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PunkerDuckie View Post
    Worst. Lesbian. Ever.


    Twin-my grandmother was my mother too. Grandma's are awesome in everyway.

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    I have been taking care of my mother for 7 years now. It started when she fell and broke her femur in 5 places. The doctors would not release her from the hospital without someone caring for her. My brothers and sisters all were married, children and homes. My husband and I were childless and renting a home. I quit my job, and hubby and I moved into her house.The doctors made us believe that this was not going to be a long haul... I have taken too good of care of her according to my sisters! Everyday is a new adventure for us. She has dementia. Everyday the remote control for her tv is a lesson. She has been through hip replacement that ended up developing a Staph Infection that we fought for 3 years. That required many operations to finally get that under control. Anyhow... life is interesting in my house daily! I feel you guys pain!
    Its not easy to hide all this damage inside ~ Aaron Lewis

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    Senior Member MoonDancer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by morbidT View Post
    Do you have a support system?

    I have an aunt in a nursing home. She's had a few strokes and the last one, Christmas evening, was a doozy. She's been in the hospital a couple of times since then. But, my cousin is in the same boat as you. She was recently laid off so she has been spending a lot of time at the nursing home. She was taking care of my aunt at home, but it became too much. There are three kids, but this cousin is the only one willing to help. They are 50, 49, 39 (I think. Pretty close). The 50 year old won't lift a finger, but is stealing and selling things from the house. The 39 year old just moved out, for the first time, this month. The 50 year old told him he had to get out. She's doing some terrible things. I'm pretty sure my 39 year old cousin has a form of Autism.

    Anyway, in order to save the farm from the nursing home cashing in on it, it needed to go into my 39 year old cousin's name. The girls haven't lived at home for ages so they weren't eligible for the deed transfer (this is what I've been told). The 50 year old told the 39 year old he needed to sign some papers and he did. Then she told him he had to get out. She has a friend who has a duplex. She packed up a bunch of crap, dumped it off over at the duplex, and changed the locks on the farm house and is planning on moving in. The 39 year old doesn't even know the house is in his name. The 49 year old doesn't know what to do. No one has mentioned what is going on to the aunt because they are afraid what it will do to her. It's horrible. I feel for my cousin who is doing everything to help my aunt and my 39 year old cousin. He's a very sweet person and will help you do anything. His world is torn upside down.
    That's the absolute shits, mT. IF either of the daughters had been living in your aunt's home for at least two years prior to her going into the nursing home, the state of OH couldn't have legally taken the house. But it was the 39 year old who had established residential rights to keep the home. IF you or someone else cared to contact a lawyer, I'm pretty sure her effed up scheme could be over-turned. It just burns me to know she did this. Or, if it can be proven that he has a form of autism or other comprehension problems, the deal she pulled isn't legal in the first place.

    Hope you don't mind a little advice on that.



    We have forgotten how to be good guests; how to walk lightly on the earth as its other creatures do.

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    Senior Member marshmallow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MoonDancer View Post
    That's the absolute shits, mT. IF either of the daughters had been living in your aunt's home for at least two years prior to her going into the nursing home, the state of OH couldn't have legally taken the house. But it was the 39 year old who had established residential rights to keep the home. IF you or someone else cared to contact a lawyer, I'm pretty sure her effed up scheme could be over-turned. It just burns me to know she did this. Or, if it can be proven that he has a form of autism or other comprehension problems, the deal she pulled isn't legal in the first place.

    Hope you don't mind a little advice on that.



    very good advice!!
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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    Senior Member marshmallow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BugBug View Post
    Oh Marshmallow and Morbid I'm so sorry for your predicaments. I feel for you and understand completely. I'm no longer in my situation (has been over 19 years since my folks passed away) but it still feels like yesterday. Morbid is correct, make sure you have a support system. Because you burnout so easily.

    My story goes something like this:

    My dad had a bypass from his gut down his leg, in the 70's. This bypass ended up getting a small pin hole in it in the early 90's. Unknown to us and really to him that pin hole started to fill up and became the size of a soccer ball. He went in to have it removed (at a hospital 600 miles away) and ended up having to have a triple heart by-pass before the could work on the other situation. He spent several weeks there with two of my sisters (there are 8 of us) and my mom. With me driving down most weekend with my year old son. He was able to finally have the original operation and was air lifted back to our hometown. During the ride, he aspirated and ended up on a vent. He had to be weaned off the vent once he got back. This took a month. (He was 82 at the time). We watched him struggle with this weaning and it was horrific. At the end of the month they performed a tracheotomy when he went down for the count the first of many times. He was also a smoker and was struggling with emphazyma. In the middle of this my mother was struggling with what she thought was bronchitis. She was 67. She finally had a stress test done and they said she was just fine. She suffered a massive heart attack the next week and died a day later. In the same hospital my dad was struggling in.

    From this point on they releasted him to his home where my sister, myself and one brother took turns staying with him and taking care of him at night. Two other sisters and a brother lived out of state. Leaving two other brothers who just basically ignored the situation. We were able to get him home health care for the days because we all worked full time. But it was so expensive. My sister took a leave of absence from her job and took over some of the day time duties while my brother and I took turns on the overnights. He went back and forth to the hospital and home many times being near death and somehow coming back to life. We started looking into a nursing home but he contracted resistant staph infection and none of the nursing homes had room at the time for someone infected with this. My father finally died a year later almost to the day that my mother died. I'm surprised he lasted that long because he was devistated by my mother's death.

    After my mother died my one brother from out of state moved back to "help". This consisted of him living at my dad's house and going thru house and selling anything of value for his own financial gain. After my father's death, he loaded up a uhaul and moved back to Chicago, taking with him anything of worth that had been left from his ransacking the previous 8 months.

    It's horrific and horrible. It leaves a lasting impression on you. I'm glad I was able to be there for them, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will have to say I have lived thru the shocking, quick death of my mother and the agonizing, nearly two year detorioration of my father and will have to say the quick, shocking was much more humane. I also feel like my child was robbed of awesome grandparents and his first few milestones I don't even recall because I was in such a blur.

    Hang in there ladies.
    your child still can meet them through your stories and your memories. those your brother cannot take.
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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    Senior Member marshmallow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kathystaind View Post
    I have been taking care of my mother for 7 years now. It started when she fell and broke her femur in 5 places. The doctors would not release her from the hospital without someone caring for her. My brothers and sisters all were married, children and homes. My husband and I were childless and renting a home. I quit my job, and hubby and I moved into her house.The doctors made us believe that this was not going to be a long haul... I have taken too good of care of her according to my sisters! Everyday is a new adventure for us. She has dementia. Everyday the remote control for her tv is a lesson. She has been through hip replacement that ended up developing a Staph Infection that we fought for 3 years. That required many operations to finally get that under control. Anyhow... life is interesting in my house daily! I feel you guys pain!
    there is no "too good of care" Dementia destroys their days, nights, and memories. I so admire what you're doing for her. You are amazing!
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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    Senior Member marshmallow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by morbidT View Post
    That's so sweet. Hopefully, someone will adopt me when the time comes.

    Bingo is some serious bidness.
    I'll adopt you if you promise to do the chores that annoy me.
    Marshmallow here is the one I liken to Ed Gein... Originally Posted by Heartbroken1


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