the elderly, we love them but dang.....

[marshmallow]

with an assist to Sarabei.

We've been discussing this topic by pm and I figured I'd take it out of private and into public in case we're not the only two who are/were our parent's keepers. Maybe share stories, smiles, tears, and how to cope with them and for them.

[marshmallow]

As my profile says, I am my Mother's keeper. She's my problem child. I love her but she's more work than I remember my sons being. She's in a nursing home near me and I spend 3-4 days a week with her. It's a doozy of a ride. She's a tough old bat and she is stronger than anyone I've ever met. She's been on and off hospice once already. She has beaten cancer twice, multiple health issues and a couple of mental ones. She has both Glaucoma and Macular Degeneration. She's a multitasker. She's a retired (local) newspaper writer and an avid reader who can't see more than light and dark and fuzzy things. She is mid-dementia which to me means she's now aware that she's progressing and can't do a damn thing about it. That is the definition of 'hell on Earth' if you ask me. She's 8ty freakin' 8, 87 if you ask her. Getting custody of Mom overlapped my youngest moving out so I'll take all the elderly care advice and shared stories I can get. It's a club I never thought I'd be in and I know I'm not the only one.

[morbidT]

Do you have a support system?

I have an aunt in a nursing home. She's had a few strokes and the last one, Christmas evening, was a doozy. She's been in the hospital a couple of times since then. But, my cousin is in the same boat as you. She was recently laid off so she has been spending a lot of time at the nursing home. She was taking care of my aunt at home, but it became too much. There are three kids, but this cousin is the only one willing to help. They are 50, 49, 39 (I think. Pretty close). The 50 year old won't lift a finger, but is stealing and selling things from the house. The 39 year old just moved out, for the first time, this month. The 50 year old told him he had to get out. She's doing some terrible things. I'm pretty sure my 39 year old cousin has a form of Autism. He does work and never misses. He does not communicate very well. You can ask him a question and he will just look at you. It's not that he isn't intelligent, because he is. He's also an amazing artist. He still thinks like an adolescent. Anyway, in order to save the farm from the nursing home cashing in on it, it needed to go into my 39 year old cousin's name. The girls haven't lived at home for ages so they weren't eligible for the deed transfer (this is what I've been told). The 50 year old told the 39 year old he needed to sign some papers and he did. Then she told him he had to get out. She has a friend who has a duplex. She packed up a bunch of crap, dumped it off over at the duplex, and changed the locks on the farm house and is planning on moving in. The 39 year old doesn't even know the house is in his name. The 49 year old doesn't know what to do. No one has mentioned what is going on to the aunt because they are afraid what it will do to her. It's horrible. I feel for my cousin who is doing everything to help my aunt and my 39 year old cousin. He's a very sweet person and will help you do anything. His world is torn upside down.

So, the whole point to my ramble is, I hope you have some type of support system. I see the stress my one cousin has and it's not good. You must think about yourself sometimes. Do something for you. Buy something for yourself. Hang out at home and relax. Don't forget about you.





This situation is not to be confused with my gma. This aunt-mom's sister. Gma-dad's mom.

[BugBug]

Oh Marshmallow and Morbid I'm so sorry for your predicaments. I feel for you and understand completely. I'm no longer in my situation (has been over 19 years since my folks passed away) but it still feels like yesterday. Morbid is correct, make sure you have a support system. Because you burnout so easily.

My story goes something like this:

My dad had a bypass from his gut down his leg, in the 70's. This bypass ended up getting a small pin hole in it in the early 90's. Unknown to us and really to him that pin hole started to fill up and became the size of a soccer ball. He went in to have it removed (at a hospital 600 miles away) and ended up having to have a triple heart by-pass before the could work on the other situation. He spent several weeks there with two of my sisters (there are 8 of us) and my mom. With me driving down most weekend with my year old son. He was able to finally have the original operation and was air lifted back to our hometown. During the ride, he aspirated and ended up on a vent. He had to be weaned off the vent once he got back. This took a month. (He was 82 at the time). We watched him struggle with this weaning and it was horrific. At the end of the month they performed a tracheotomy when he went down for the count the first of many times. He was also a smoker and was struggling with emphazyma. In the middle of this my mother was struggling with what she thought was bronchitis. She was 67. She finally had a stress test done and they said she was just fine. She suffered a massive heart attack the next week and died a day later. In the same hospital my dad was struggling in.

From this point on they releasted him to his home where my sister, myself and one brother took turns staying with him and taking care of him at night. Two other sisters and a brother lived out of state. Leaving two other brothers who just basically ignored the situation. We were able to get him home health care for the days because we all worked full time. But it was so expensive. My sister took a leave of absence from her job and took over some of the day time duties while my brother and I took turns on the overnights. He went back and forth to the hospital and home many times being near death and somehow coming back to life. We started looking into a nursing home but he contracted resistant staph infection and none of the nursing homes had room at the time for someone infected with this. My father finally died a year later almost to the day that my mother died. I'm surprised he lasted that long because he was devistated by my mother's death.

After my mother died my one brother from out of state moved back to "help". This consisted of him living at my dad's house and going thru house and selling anything of value for his own financial gain. After my father's death, he loaded up a uhaul and moved back to Chicago, taking with him anything of worth that had been left from his ransacking the previous 8 months.

It's horrific and horrible. It leaves a lasting impression on you. I'm glad I was able to be there for them, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will have to say I have lived thru the shocking, quick death of my mother and the agonizing, nearly two year detorioration of my father and will have to say the quick, shocking was much more humane. I also feel like my child was robbed of awesome grandparents and his first few milestones I don't even recall because I was in such a blur.

Hang in there ladies.

[marshmallow]

Oh Marshmallow and Morbid I'm so sorry for your predicaments. I feel for you and understand completely. I'm no longer in my situation (has been over 19 years since my folks passed away) but it still feels like yesterday. Morbid is correct, make sure you have a support system. Because you burnout so easily.

My story goes something like this:

My dad had a bypass from his gut down his leg, in the 70's. This bypass ended up getting a small pin hole in it in the early 90's. Unknown to us and really to him that pin hole started to fill up and became the size of a soccer ball. He went in to have it removed (at a hospital 600 miles away) and ended up having to have a triple heart by-pass before the could work on the other situation. He spent several weeks there with two of my sisters (there are 8 of us) and my mom. With me driving down most weekend with my year old son. He was able to finally have the original operation and was air lifted back to our hometown. During the ride, he aspirated and ended up on a vent. He had to be weaned off the vent once he got back. This took a month. (He was 82 at the time). We watched him struggle with this weaning and it was horrific. At the end of the month they performed a tracheotomy when he went down for the count the first of many times. He was also a smoker and was struggling with emphazyma. In the middle of this my mother was struggling with what she thought was bronchitis. She was 67. She finally had a stress test done and they said she was just fine. She suffered a massive heart attack the next week and died a day later. In the same hospital my dad was struggling in.

From this point on they releasted him to his home where my sister, myself and one brother took turns staying with him and taking care of him at night. Two other sisters and a brother lived out of state. Leaving two other brothers who just basically ignored the situation. We were able to get him home health care for the days because we all worked full time. But it was so expensive. My sister took a leave of absence from her job and took over some of the day time duties while my brother and I took turns on the overnights. He went back and forth to the hospital and home many times being near death and somehow coming back to life. We started looking into a nursing home but he contracted resistant staph infection and none of the nursing homes had room at the time for someone infected with this. My father finally died a year later almost to the day that my mother died. I'm surprised he lasted that long because he was devistated by my mother's death.

After my mother died my one brother from out of state moved back to "help". This consisted of him living at my dad's house and going thru house and selling anything of value for his own financial gain. After my father's death, he loaded up a uhaul and moved back to Chicago, taking with him anything of worth that had been left from his ransacking the previous 8 months.

It's horrific and horrible. It leaves a lasting impression on you. I'm glad I was able to be there for them, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will have to say I have lived thru the shocking, quick death of my mother and the agonizing, nearly two year detorioration of my father and will have to say the quick, shocking was much more humane. I also feel like my child was robbed of awesome grandparents and his first few milestones I don't even recall because I was in such a blur.

Hang in there ladies.

your child still can meet them through your stories and your memories. those your brother cannot take.

[BugBug]

your child still can meet them through your stories and your memories. those your brother cannot take.

I have a daughter now too and I keep both of my parents alive in the memories for each of them.

We call the brother who took off with the goods Peter Pan because he never wants to grow up. Come to find out later, my mother had been sending him money every month (he's over 50 now) and that's why he came home after she died. His gravy train came to an abrupt stop.

That's awesome of you to not let any resentment keep you from caring for your mom the right way. Not a lot of people could do that. My heart just hurts for those that have to go through this. Every time I hear a story about as situation like this, it brings it all back like it was yesterday.

[MoonDancer]

Do you have a support system?

I have an aunt in a nursing home. She's had a few strokes and the last one, Christmas evening, was a doozy. She's been in the hospital a couple of times since then. But, my cousin is in the same boat as you. She was recently laid off so she has been spending a lot of time at the nursing home. She was taking care of my aunt at home, but it became too much. There are three kids, but this cousin is the only one willing to help. They are 50, 49, 39 (I think. Pretty close). The 50 year old won't lift a finger, but is stealing and selling things from the house. The 39 year old just moved out, for the first time, this month. The 50 year old told him he had to get out. She's doing some terrible things. I'm pretty sure my 39 year old cousin has a form of Autism.

Anyway, in order to save the farm from the nursing home cashing in on it, it needed to go into my 39 year old cousin's name. The girls haven't lived at home for ages so they weren't eligible for the deed transfer (this is what I've been told). The 50 year old told the 39 year old he needed to sign some papers and he did. Then she told him he had to get out. She has a friend who has a duplex. She packed up a bunch of crap, dumped it off over at the duplex, and changed the locks on the farm house and is planning on moving in. The 39 year old doesn't even know the house is in his name. The 49 year old doesn't know what to do. No one has mentioned what is going on to the aunt because they are afraid what it will do to her. It's horrible. I feel for my cousin who is doing everything to help my aunt and my 39 year old cousin. He's a very sweet person and will help you do anything. His world is torn upside down.

That's the absolute shits, mT. IF either of the daughters had been living in your aunt's home for at least two years prior to her going into the nursing home, the state of OH couldn't have legally taken the house. But it was the 39 year old who had established residential rights to keep the home. IF you or someone else cared to contact a lawyer, I'm pretty sure her effed up scheme could be over-turned. It just burns me to know she did this. Or, if it can be proven that he has a form of autism or other comprehension problems, the deal she pulled isn't legal in the first place.

Hope you don't mind a little advice on that.

[marshmallow]

That's the absolute shits, mT. IF either of the daughters had been living in your aunt's home for at least two years prior to her going into the nursing home, the state of OH couldn't have legally taken the house. But it was the 39 year old who had established residential rights to keep the home. IF you or someone else cared to contact a lawyer, I'm pretty sure her effed up scheme could be over-turned. It just burns me to know she did this. Or, if it can be proven that he has a form of autism or other comprehension problems, the deal she pulled isn't legal in the first place.

Hope you don't mind a little advice on that.

very good advice!!

[marshmallow]

here's the first part of my story, I told the second part yesterday.

a year and a half ago we got a call from my parents neighbor in Florida. She thought something was wrong which confused my brother and I since my Father had repeatedly told us all was well. I flew from NY to Florida the next morning and had a person from my parent's community pick us up. My brother's then girlfriend came with me. My folks had no idea we were coming. I got there at noon and by 2 pm had both my parents in the hospital. Dad in ICU with advanced double pneumonia and mom on a regular floor with a very bad UTI. My dad went from bad to worse and four days later I signed the papers to take him off life support. He passed away that day but I was able to be with him and I promised him I would take care of Mom. The hardest part was telling her. Even now it makes me cry. I worked with a nursing home near me in NY and she flew out of Florida and was admitted to the home at midnight the day after Dad passed. I stayed in Florida and boxed up what I could fit in two vans and my brother and my best half drove down in our van and loaded up our's and Mom and Dad's and we took it all back to NY. My Mom went from me at the door, surprise!, to the hospital, to NY and never saw her husband, her friends, or her home again. And I gained a then 86 yr old child. We had a memorial service for Dad a year ago when Mom was able to at least go and now Dad resides on my china cabinet waiting for Mom. They were married 63 years. He took care of her for 63 years so how could I not take over. Funny thing, I'm not their favorite child. My brother is the family golden child but it's not about praise or who Mom loves best, it's about doing what's right and keeping a promise. Even funnier thing, I'm a better parent to Mom than she ever was to me :)

[morbidT]

Worst. Lesbian. Ever.

Sometimes I forget I'm only a lesbian on the internet.

That's the absolute shits, mT. IF either of the daughters had been living in your aunt's home for at least two years prior to her going into the nursing home, the state of OH couldn't have legally taken the house. But it was the 39 year old who had established residential rights to keep the home. IF you or someone else cared to contact a lawyer, I'm pretty sure her effed up scheme could be over-turned. It just burns me to know she did this. Or, if it can be proven that he has a form of autism or other comprehension problems, the deal she pulled isn't legal in the first place.

Hope you don't mind a little advice on that.

You are exactly right. Although, this is in Indiana, but the law is the same as Ohio. I spoke to the other cousin and she is going to take the 39 year old to the welfare office (I'm not sure if that's the correct term) to see if he can get assistance. I told her they might be a resource in getting him an advocate through legal aid or something. He has never written a check, never made his own doc or dental appointment, never been on a date, never got a drivers license (I know this isn't a big deal for people who live in large cities, but they live in rural Indiana), and really doesn't talk. If he talks it's about a new action figure he bought or a new movie. I don't know how get got through the job interview at his job. Anyway, we are all working on trying to find him an advocate.

I don't mind the advice, at all.

I'll adopt you if you promise to do the chores that annoy me.

Okay.......I think. haha

here's the first part of my story, I told the second part yesterday.

a year and a half ago we got a call from my parents neighbor in Florida. She thought something was wrong which confused my brother and I since my Father had repeatedly told us all was well. I flew from NY to Florida the next morning and had a person from my parent's community pick us up. My brother's then girlfriend came with me. My folks had no idea we were coming. I got there at noon and by 2 pm had both my parents in the hospital. Dad in ICU with advanced double pneumonia and mom on a regular floor with a very bad UTI. My dad went from bad to worse and four days later I signed the papers to take him off life support. He passed away that day but I was able to be with him and I promised him I would take care of Mom. The hardest part was telling her. Even now it makes me cry. I worked with a nursing home near me in NY and she flew out of Florida and was admitted to the home at midnight the day after Dad passed. I stayed in Florida and boxed up what I could fit in two vans and my brother and my best half drove down in our van and loaded up our's and Mom and Dad's and we took it all back to NY. My Mom went from me at the door, surprise!, to the hospital, to NY and never saw her husband, her friends, or her home again. And I gained a then 86 yr old child. We had a memorial service for Dad a year ago when Mom was able to at least go and now Dad resides on my china cabinet waiting for Mom. They were married 63 years. He took care of her for 63 years so how could I not take over. Funny thing, I'm not their favorite child. My brother is the family golden child but it's not about praise or who Mom loves best, it's about doing what's right and keeping a promise. Even funnier thing, I'm a better parent to Mom than she ever was to me :)

I know my brothers expect me to take care of my parents. They've always expected it, even when I lived hundreds of miles away. When they lived within a couple of miles. I have thought long and hard over what will happen, but I really hope I don't crack and end up taking care of them. I always thought it was about doing the right thing, but it wouldn't be doing the right thing for me. If any of this makes sense.

You're a good person.

[marshmallow]

I adopted my Mother's bingo tablemate. Bingo is when my Mom sleeps and I play her cards and mine. Last week I won twice, hooked Mom up with $1 for the horse race game. Her table friend doesn't have any family. Never married, no kids. A friend visits once in a while but really she's alone. That's pretty sad. But it's sadder if you do have family and they live in the same city and only visit on the guilt holidays. I imagine there are some with families like you mentioned. People kind of suck.

[morbidT]

That's so sweet. Hopefully, someone will adopt me when the time comes.

Bingo is some serious bidness.

[marshmallow]

That's so sweet. Hopefully, someone will adopt me when the time comes.

Bingo is some serious bidness.

I'll adopt you if you promise to do the chores that annoy me.

[curiouscat]

My grandma has a Facebook page. I think she's 90. I haven't spoken to her in 10 years. I really dislike my dad's side of the family. Most of my immediate relatives could die and I wouldn't care. I found out in November that my aunt died in September. I only wanted to know how and why no one told me till I overheard a phone conversation.

[KimTisha]

I never gave the end of this story. My Mom passed away on May 17, 2014. The last few weeks of her life were hell. Her mental illnesses and her dementia had a party and she screamed nonstop from the time she woke up until she fell asleep. WE kept her sedated the best we could because she acquired super strength and tried to walk. She also bit. A lot. Usually me. Her last coherent words were directed toward her minister of 25+ years, I had him come to visit while she was still somewhat with it and she stopped yelling long enough to look at him and say "what the hell do you want". She went into a coma and a week later passed. I miss her, I miss her crazy. She and my Dad now reside in boxes in our back bedroom. I'm waiting for my Brother to pull it together enough to bury their cremains. That may never happen. December 2014 my brother took a drunken header down his flight of stairs and suffered severe injury including neurological damage that will never heal. At this time he is a recovering alcoholic who does stumble occasionally but is trying his hardest. When the truth all came out earlier this year the extent of his lies and covering up made me cry. Ad it broke me heart to find out he'd spent all of Dad's life insurance on who knows what at a time when the Mr and I were struggling to pay Mom's expenses. Mom's golden child tarnished and quite badly but he's all that's left of my childhood family and I do love him. Who knew I'd turn out to be the strong one in the family and dare I same closest to normal.

I know this is old and it doesn't look like marshmallow posts much, but I could so relate to her story. I lost my 90yo father in March, it was a very long goodbye. I predicted his "last Christmas" four years in a row. I'm sorry for your loss.

Also, WTBB: I had no idea. You are an amazing person.

My grandma has a Facebook page. I think she's 90. I haven't spoken to her in 10 years. I really dislike my dad's side of the family. Most of my immediate relatives could die and I wouldn't care. I found out in November that my aunt died in September. I only wanted to know how and why no one told me till I overheard a phone conversation.

I'm sorry. "Societal norms" tell us what a "family" is supposed to act like but it's rarely reality. I grew up like "Eight is Enough," large nuclear family, great memories. It wasn't until we were adults that the foundation cracked and two of my siblings decided to leave the family in a huge flurry of anger and accusations of hurt feelings. I'm serious, hurt feelings. They took a with-us-or-against-us stance and it's been 5 years since they've spoken to anyone in the family. It doesn't bother me, they were both drama queens and the family is much better without them IMO. But I feel badly for my elderly parents who were left reeling and never understood what happened. They reached out repeatedly and were rebuffed.

[curiouscat]

I believe my husband's grandmother has dementia.
We visited her this past weekend so she could meet the newest great grandchild. While we were there, she started talking about people walking through walls and having meetings in her house, a little boy lives under her bed, a man with an invisible car and he can turn invisible to hide from cops.
My husband thinks she's reliving memories.

[raisedbywolves]

I believe my husband's grandmother has dementia.
We visited her this past weekend so she could meet the newest great grandchild. While we were there, she started talking about people walking through walls and having meetings in her house, a little boy lives under her bed, a man with an invisible car and he can turn invisible to hide from cops.
My husband thinks she's reliving memories.

It's not uncommon to see "invisible people" during alzheimers. My 'adopted mom' has a sister that has it really bad and she always talks about the people at the window or in the other room. It's kind of creepy.

[Nic B]

I believe my husband's grandmother has dementia.
We visited her this past weekend so she could meet the newest great grandchild. While we were there, she started talking about people walking through walls and having meetings in her house, a little boy lives under her bed, a man with an invisible car and he can turn invisible to hide from cops.
My husband thinks she's reliving memories.

Or maybe she's seeing dead people.

Creepy.

[bowieluva]

My mom told me she wants me to just let her wander into the woods when she gets senile. I was like naw gurl you gonna live with me and ruin my life and make my husband leave me and alienate my family and...wait yeah the woods thing is fine.

[morbidT]

I kind of like the idea of the woods thing myself.

[marshmallow]

if it weren't for global warming we could just let them pick a ice floe, give them a banana and a kiss and give them a good shove off. ah the good old days!

[morbidT]

I could go for a banana.

[PunkerDuckie]

I could go for a banana.

Worst. Lesbian. Ever.

[bermstalker]

Worst. Lesbian. Ever.

Twin-my grandmother was my mother too. Grandma's are awesome in everyway.

[bermstalker]

My mom is a binge drinker. Has always been.

I think she has the beginning of some kind of memory loss thing going on.
The other day she rode the bus into town and had to sit down in the street because she didn't remember where she was/who she was/ or anything for a few minutes. She was scared. She also puts food on to cook and forgot about it. I had to buy her a smoke alarm to put by her stove.

It's hard to help somebody that doesn't want help- and it's hard to help them with they have a serious addiction attached to some medical problems.

Marsh-Big hug to you and your mother.