Childless or Childfree?

[Artemis]

As someone who is always judged or pitied for my decision to go at this life sans children, I found this article interesting.

Do We Secretly Envy the Childfree?
Or is childlessness still a taboo?
By Katie Roiphe|Posted Thursday, April 26, 2012, at 7:15 AM ET
1029


We know of course that we are not supposed to judge other women for something like not having children, but we do it all the time. Rationally, of course, we know that not everyone should have kids, and that not everyone wants to have kids, and that life without kids is an entirely plausible and even pleasant possibility; and yet, do many of us secretly feel sorry for or condescend to or fail to understand women who don?t have children? Do we assume they are bravely harboring some deep disappointment, do we think they can?t possibly be happy with things as they are, that there is some brittleness, some emptiness at the center? This is the argument of the French feminist, Elisabeth Badinter, and I think she is probably right.

A recent Pew Poll found that one in five women in her early 40s has not had a child. So the decision, or the situation, is not exactly exotic, and yet to many, a woman without a child is still a tragic or at least disappointed figure.

http://www.slate.com/articles/double..._a_taboo_.html

[White trash bitchy blonde]

I honestly have always thought that all or most all women wanted children so anytime i knew of someone older than me especially, i wondered to myself why they didnt have any.

I became a mom when i was 18 and while I used to wish that i had waited, im glad i didnt only because i like being a younger mom. But i do respect any woman or married couple or whatever that dont want to have children. I have a fw friends that are married and they absolutely dont want kids and their reason is that they feel they are too selfish at this point and they really arent sure that they want them ever.

I do get a little jealous of my friends that dont have kids.

[g r ee n ey e s]

I have never not wanted kids, I just know I am not ready. Now that I am 31, I am not sure if I will ever be ready. For right now, I am okay with that. Of course I love hugging and kissing and playing pretend mommy or babysitter with my friends babies, but I like being able to give them back. The ovaries may twitch from time to time, but never long enough for my brain to be tricked into procreating anytime soon.

I'd like a husband first. After that, I might consider children.

[bowieluva]

I want kids. Two of my best friends who are in their thirties don't at all and think I am a total dork for wanting them. I don't think there's anything weird about them not wanting them or me wanting them. There's no sweeping 'all people want this' about anything in life.

[Artemis]

I want kids. Two of my best friends who are in their thirties don't at all and think I am a total dork for wanting them. I don't think there's anything weird about them not wanting them or me wanting them. There's no sweeping 'all people want this' about anything in life.

Do you plan to get married? Or raise them solo? That sounds like a weird question, but I thought I saw somewhere that you didn't plan or believe in marriage. I'm just curious. I agree and think your 'all people want this' comment totally applies to marriage as well.

[bowieluva]

Do you plan to get married? Or raise them solo? That sounds like a weird question, but I thought I saw somewhere that you didn't plan or believe in marriage. I'm just curious. I agree and think your 'all people want this' comment totally applies to marriage as well.

I don't believe in the legal act of marriage. I do believe in partnership and that it is in the children's best interest to be raised by two parents. I would not want to have kids as a single parent. I was raised by a single parent and always felt I was lacking something. And I don't just want kids because i want them, but because I think kids born from two awesome smart people is a boon for the world.

[angelaiscaustic]

I really, really want a baby. This is a new development though, maybe the past two years.

[Artemis]

I don't believe in the legal act of marriage.

Me, neither. We tied the knot because of insurance reasons and stuff. Otherwise, especially with no kids, it would be pointless for us.

And I don't just want kids because i want them, but because I think kids born from two awesome smart people is a boon for the world.

Big time, especially because stupid people typically reproduce more often while smart people have minimal to no children. It's interesting to think about. Reminds me of that weird movie, Idiocracy.

[kevansvault]

There is so much that goes in to being "childless/childfree". Not just the decision to have children, but the background of the parent to be, availability of a suitable mate...the list is endless. Some adults went through hell as kids and might not want children. Some want to be at a certain "point" in life to have children. It's not my job to judge or to say that they're missing some "vital" piece of the human experience just because they have no progeny. Sure, children can enrich your lives, if you let them.
More importantly to me is the quality of parent you are to your children. If you know for a fact you've been a deadbeat all your life and children aren't going to change that...then dammit, don't get pregnant/get someone pregnant. Once you become a parent it is no longer about you. Thinking that it is will only lead you down a path that has no happy ending.

My wife and I had our first child when I was 25, and our second when I was 31. I knew I wanted children and I was ready for the challenge. It is by far the most challenging and most rewarding thing I've ever done. Some people don't feel that way, and I respect that. My younger brother, 38, unmarried and "childfree", loves his nephews and would love to have children but "hasn't found the right girl". I respect that.

One of my best friends has two children, both equally distanced apart like ours-almost six years. She is a single mom but they have the same dad. She never married him because he was and still is a douchebag asshole. She makes a good living and has a great support system and her children have grown up respectful and educated. She just wanted both her kids to have the same dad. I can find no fault with responsible parenting, and I can't judge those without children as "selfish" or "unready". Not my job, and none of my business.

Sometimes I get jealous of people like my wife's brother (my BIL/SIL). They are in their early 30s, have no kids, big house, tons of money...go on vacations all the time, the Dream...you know? They are both very into their careers. I envy them but then I think "I get to come home every day to smiles, hugs and kisses from my kids who are genuinely happy to see me, who want me around, who know that I care about them. That's a helluva powerful incentive to be good at something. Who knows, maybe they're jealous of me too?

[Trahnse]

I'm 35, married for 15 years and no kids. My ovaries are bitches, never cooperated and at this point I don't care anymore. I wouldn't mind if I ended up pregnant, but we're not actively trying and it's very unlikely. Even if I did, at an advanced maternal age, I'd be paranoid about all the things that could go wrong. I think if we really wanted kids, I'd probably go for adoption.

That said, I am pleased with how our lives have worked out. I've never been one to obsess over my inability to procreate (unlike my little sister!) I enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want and not have to worry about kids in the mix. I've spent a lot of time with my friend's daughters lately who are 8 and 10. I don't think I could do it. They drive me fucking crazy and at least I can leave when I can't take anymore. If they were my own... ohhh boy. lol

[TheFavoriteDaughter]

I've always, always wanted kids. Our original plan was to get pregnant immediately after we get married. L started to waver on that which was kinda hurtful because he had always said that was what he wanted. About a month ago, I even thought about not having any. It terrifies me to have all of my independence taken and not be able to experience things that I've always wanted to. I'm back to wanting them. We're going to try next summer.

[holly]

Husband and I are never having kids, which is hard to get through to most people. I always get the "oh you'll change your mind" and "oh you don't know what you're missing" and "oh you don't know love until you've had kids." I find most of it pretty insulting. If someone says that they want kids, does anyone ever say, "oh you'll change your mind and not want them?" Of course not. We've taken a lot of time thinking about what is best for us, and kids just aren't in the cards... Not every one should be parents. Props to those that do want it though.

Nothing quite stings like someone asking me why I 'don't want a family'. My husband and I are a family.

Oh but I also get asked why we got married in the first place if we don't want kids... companionship, commitment... Of course there are the legal reasons but it's more than that, to us at least.

[Fleta]

I want to punch someone in the face every times someone pokes me in the ribs and says, "You're next!" or, "So when are you going to have kids?"

It's really not that complicated. I'm selfish. I don't WANT someone else to mandate decisions in my life. Ever. I like money. I like shiny shit. I'm a germophobe.
Not only do I not want children, I don't like children. They make me uncomfortable and I'd rather not interact with them. I maaaaaayyyy occasionally admire a pretty child (but most likely will deny it), but the second a temper tantrum boils under the surface, I'm completely turned off. I respect that other people may want that life, but I can't even pretend to understand it. I would be a horrible, resentful mother.

I accept that I may change my mind one day. But I don't think I will. I cats.

[neenerneener]

I want to punch someone in the face every times someone pokes me in the ribs and says, "You're next!" or, "So when are you going to have kids?"

It's really not that complicated. I'm selfish. I don't WANT someone else to mandate decisions in my life. Ever. I like money. I like shiny shit. I'm a germophobe.
Not only do I not want children, I don't like children. They make me uncomfortable and I'd rather not interact with them. I maaaaaayyyy occasionally admire a pretty child (but most likely will deny it), but the second a temper tantrum boils under the surface, I'm completely turned off. I respect that other people may want that life, but I can't even pretend to understand it. I would be a horrible, resentful mother.

I accept that I may change my mind one day. But I don't think I will. I heart cats.

is this why you trip them?

[bowieluva]

Yeah, I love kids. I can't wait to watch one become its own little person. What sucks are babies. Babies until they're at least six months are just horrible worms.

[Monter]

The majority of my friends have opted not to have children. I have tremendous respect for anyone who makes a life choice based on their wants needs and capabilities, instead of giving in to societal pressures and then deciding - "yeah I didnt want this".
Nothing selfish in not wanting kids at all - more like self aware.

[Ron_NYC]

Big time, especially because stupid people typically reproduce more often while smart people have minimal to no children. It's interesting to think about. Reminds me of that weird movie, Idiocracy.

http://www.mayomo.com/31041-idiocracy-intro

[Ron_NYC]

Husband and I are never having kids, which is hard to get through to most people. I always get the "oh you'll change your mind" and "oh you don't know what you're missing" and "oh you don't know love until you've had kids." I find most of it pretty insulting. If someone says that they want kids, does anyone ever say, "oh you'll change your mind and not want them?" Of course not. We've taken a lot of time thinking about what is best for us, and kids just aren't in the cards... Not every one should be parents. Props to those that do want it though.

Nothing quite stings like someone asking me why I 'don't want a family'. My husband and I are a family.

Oh but I also get asked why we got married in the first place if we don't want kids... companionship, commitment... Of course there are the legal reasons but it's more than that, to us at least.

I try to, actually.

Don't want kids. Funded a few abortions already cause apparently I don't understand birth control.

[Artemis]

http://www.mayomo.com/31041-idiocracy-intro

Exactly! It's going to happen.

Not only do I not want children, I don't like children.They make me uncomfortable and I'd rather not interact with them.

Ugh. Same here. I think it's kind of a character flaw of mine, though. There are a few exceptions, but for the most part, I don't care for them. I know women who adamantly do not want children, but they like children and are good with them. Not me. And when I'm around children it's awkward.

[puzzld]

It's not you. Some children are delightful, others not so much. One of my nephews was an awesome kid as was one of the nieces. My other niece? Not so. She's 22 now and I still think of the tantrums she used to throw if she got the "wrong" thing for Christmas. BBBBut I wanted the greeeeeen one! Not the blue one. And she'd march over and throw the rejected gift in the trash. Shes better now, but only by degree, not by inclination. She is expecting her first, and I await the advent of the mother's curse (someday I hope you have kids that act just like you do)

[holly]

Exactly! It's going to happen.



Ugh. Same here. I think it's kind of a character flaw of mine, though. There are a few exceptions, but for the most part, I don't care for them. I know women who adamantly do not want children, but they like children and are good with them. Not me. And when I'm around children it's awkward.

I'm the same way. I have a niece who is now 9 and I was never good with her (still not). Have another one on the way...

[debk589]

I would never judge anyone or say ANYTHING to anyone who didn't want kids. It's their life, their decision, period. I can't stand people who say "oooh you're next" at baby showers and weddings and stuff. Reminds me of a joke I saw about poking all the old people at a funeral and being like 'aaww you're next!" hehe. One of my very best friends has a great marriage (mid 30's) and have chosen to not have kids for financial reasons, and that they love to travel, just want to live their life. Good for them I say! Although it was funny at my baby shower she posted on her facebook page that they'd drink everytime someone asked when they were having kids, lucky for them we're all her facebook friends so the entire day consisted of us asking when they were gonna have a baby and they ended up getting shit drunk. Yes, drunk, at my baby shower. Cuz I had a keg. That's how I roll.

[angelaiscaustic]

I would never judge anyone or say ANYTHING to anyone who didn't want kids. It's their life, their decision, period. I can't stand people who say "oooh you're next" at baby showers and weddings and stuff. Reminds me of a joke I saw about poking all the old people at a funeral and being like 'aaww you're next!" hehe. One of my very best friends has a great marriage (mid 30's) and have chosen to not have kids for financial reasons, and that they love to travel, just want to live their life. Good for them I say! Although it was funny at my baby shower she posted on her facebook page that they'd drink everytime someone asked when they were having kids, lucky for them we're all her facebook friends so the entire day consisted of us asking when they were gonna have a baby and they ended up getting shit drunk. Yes, drunk, at my baby shower. Cuz I had a keg. That's how I roll.

I threw a friend's baby shower in the backyard of a bar. We bbqed and had a four hour open bar haha

[PCP777]

I didn't have a kid until I was 42, to me this was the best of both worlds, I got to enjoy all the partying etc I wanted and now I have an awesome son.

[Chauncy]

Its strange to me when a woman doesnt want a kid. Ignores instinct.