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Thread: Funny/Absurd Headlines

  1. #1
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    Smile Funny/Absurd Headlines

    Death related or not, post them here.

    --------------------

    My first choice is from a local paper circa 2007:

    'Murder Enquiry Man Is Dead'

    Really? There's a surprise .
    The story was that a man actively involved in a murder enquiry had been found dead but the headline was vague!

  2. #2
    Senior Member deeply shaded's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by beli View Post
    kim kardashian - made famous for having a sex tape, should die in a fire
    Quote Originally Posted by McMama View Post
    Have you ever walked into a mall, sat on God's lap, and had your picture taken?

  3. #3
    Senior Member deeply shaded's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by beli View Post
    kim kardashian - made famous for having a sex tape, should die in a fire
    Quote Originally Posted by McMama View Post
    Have you ever walked into a mall, sat on God's lap, and had your picture taken?

  4. #4
    Senior Member deeply shaded's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by beli View Post
    kim kardashian - made famous for having a sex tape, should die in a fire
    Quote Originally Posted by McMama View Post
    Have you ever walked into a mall, sat on God's lap, and had your picture taken?

  5. #5
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    There's nothing like a bit of clarity eh :D

  6. #6
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    'Incinerator Drop-In Sessions Held'

    Hmm, the Health and Safety Exec. should probably look into that ;).

  7. #7
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    In an old email, I found some others:

    'One Armed man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers'


    'Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism'


    'SPORTS: Rangers Get a Whiff of Colon'


    'Great Tits Cope Well With Warming'

    Thanks for that insight, BBC Nature News ;)


    'Keegan Fills Schmeichel's Gap With Seaman'

    Football news btw*


    'Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls Nike Says'

    I didn't think that was all all he playsed with, just sayin.


    'Rosie Weds Longtime Girlfriend, Slams Bush'

    Ms O' Donnell


    'Local Child Wins gun from Fundraiser'


    'Federal Agents Raid Gun shop, Find Weapons'


    'Condon Truck Tips, Spills Load'


    'Army Vehicle Disappears'
    They could not find after painting it with camouflage paint.

    '

  8. #8
    Sana sana colita de rana beli's Avatar
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    those are pretty funny
    Quote Originally Posted by Gawna View Post
    Roses are red, violets are blue, seriously where is the fucking ring I gave Julie and ask her mom about the flowers
    Quote Originally Posted by Ron_NYC View Post
    In all fairness, we have no idea how big this dude's cock was.

  9. #9
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    Found another old email with some more headlines. The responses were not typed in by me.

    Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
    This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
    I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    No crap, really? Ya think?
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------








    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    Now that's taking things a bit far!
    -----------------------------------------------------------








    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    What a guy!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------









    Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
    ---------------------- --------------------------------






    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    See if that works any better than a fair trial!
    ----------------------------------------------------------





    War Dims Hope for Peace
    I can see where it might have that effect!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------





    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    Ya think?!
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------





    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    Who would have thought!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------





    Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide




    They may be on to something!
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------





    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
    You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
    ----------------------------------------------------------





    Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
    He probably IS the battery charge!
    ----------------------------------------------





    New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
    Weren't they fat enough?!
    -----------------------------------------------





    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
    That's what he gets for eating those beans!
    -------------------------------------------------





    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    Do they taste like chicken?
    ****************************************





    Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
    Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
    ************************************************** *





    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
    Boy, are they tall!*******************************************





    And the winner is....
    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

    Did I read that right?
    ************************************************** *

  10. #10
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    "Palestinian ambassador to Prague killed in safe explosion"

    Not that safe clearly! ;-)

    (Actually, [URL="http://www.theguardian.com/ [/URL] editor needs to sort headline phrasing - it's a ref to a security safe that blew up)

  11. #11
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    'Road Improvement Ceremony Marred by Crash'


    A careless driver, and no-one was hurt, but still unfortunate timing.

  12. #12
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    "Dead Russian Lawyer wins 10-year rights battle"

    Amazing, if not very beneficial to him 🙃

  13. #13
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    The Headline:

    'Bin men hit pub's tree and blamed lightning'

    (Ah, going for the 'Act of God' defence).

    The pub landlady is very upset because
    "the character of the pub has been ruined"
    👀

  14. #14
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    "I arrived as pandemic was peaking and volunteers fled"

    Well, try not to take it personally 😷

  15. #15
    Senior Member KimTisha's Avatar
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    These are pretty darned funny. How about this one?

    You are talking to a woman who has laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom and chuckled at catastrophe.
    ...Collector of Chairs. Reader of Books. Hater of Nutmeg...

  16. #16
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    Police Use Drones To Check For Nudity On Twin Cities Beach

    This has to be it

    https://minnesota.cbslocal.com/2020/...-cities-beach/

    MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) — Visitors at a Twin Cities beach learned police watch them in ways they didn’t expect.

    The Golden Valley Police Department used a drone to catch beachgoers breaking the law by going topless or nude at Twin Lake, just west of Theodore Wirth Park.

    The serenity on the somewhat hidden beach is what draws visitors, along with an understanding of sorts that many freely bare their body. Elsie Olin frequents the beach.

    “It’s really well known for being a safe place to just be comfortable,” Olin said.

    When Olin she was there Friday, July 10, that freedom of expression wasn’t free from consequence as officers began taking information from people to potentially cite them for being topless or nude.

    Golden Valley Police Det. Sgt. Randy Mahlen says something had to be done.

    “It had reached the point where it was time for people to be held accountable for their actions,” Mahlen said.

    He said they have received more than a dozen complaints this spring and summer regarding people being nude, drinking alcohol or doing drugs at the beach. Over the past weeks, he said officers strictly educated beachgoers on the laws and gave warnings. But repeated complaints led to Friday’s enforcement. It included seven officers from GVPD and Minneapolis Parks Police.

    “At that point everybody was fully clothed. We had tops on. There was no indecent exposure,” Olin said.

    Even though their clothes were back on, it was too late. Mahlen said people were caught in the act thanks to their drone that was surveying the beach from afar. GVPD has officers who are trained drone pilots. They use the flying camera for several types of surveillance or police activity. The surveillance at the beach was legal since it’s a public place.

    “What it did was validate all of these complaints we’ve been getting from residents,” Mahlen said. “It would be no different than a surveillance camera in a public place for a high-crime area.”

    Paula Chesley was at a secluded spot on Twin Lake not far from the main beach. She was laying on her stomach and reading a book with her bathing suit top pulled down, exposing her breasts. She was shocked when several officers approached her and asked for her information to potentially write her a citation.

    “If they are gonna cite anyone for toplessness I’m glad it’s me because I have energy to fight this,” Chesley said. “I think it’s really silly that people of all genders with all sorts of breasts can’t show them.”

    Learning that police used a drone as part of their investigation gave her a different feeling.

    “It does make you feel uncomfortable to just think like, oh, how often am I being watched? And what kind of authority is going on here?” she said.

    Beachgoers that day also felt officers targeted certain people based on their skin color.

    “The two or three Black people that were super visible on the beach, [officers] went straight for them,” Olin said.

    Other witnesses in a Facebook video from that day also accused police singling out People of Color as some of the first to have their information take for being topless or nude.

    Mahlen said officers were prepared to take information from several people who had been topless or nude, but that hostility from the crowd changed their plans.

    “We made the choice that things were only escalating and we chose to leave,” he said.

    Friday’s incident comes at a time when the Minneapolis Park and Recreation Board (MPRB) is discussing whether to repeal an ordinance that bans women from being topless at city parks and beaches. Here is the ordinance PB2-21: Proper Attire Required:

    No person ten [10] years of age or older shall intentionally expose his or her own genitals, pubic area, buttocks or female breast below the top of the areola, with less than a fully opaque covering in or upon any park or parkway, as defined in PB1-1. This provision does not apply to theatrical, musical, or other artistic performances upon any park or parkway where no alcoholic beverages are sold.

    Chris Meyer, District 1 Commissioner for the MPRB, supports repealing the ordinance. He wrote about it in a Facebook post saying in part:

    I firmly believe the law should treat people equally regardless of gender. In spaces where men are allowed to go shirtless, women and transgender people should be able to as well. Inversely, in spaces where it would be inappropriate for women to expose their chests, it should be inappropriate for men as well. People should not be discriminated against just because heterosexual men have oversexualized them. Any argument that can be made against the exposure of a woman’s chest should apply just as strongly against the exposure of a man’s chest.

    If the ordinance is repealed, it could potentially impact the beach at Twin Lake since part of the lake is in Theodore Wirth Park. Both Olin and Chesley feel a change in the law is necessary.

    “Nudity is natural. There’s nothing sexual about my breasts,” Olin said.

    Chesley agrees.

    “I can understand people’s concerns based on the sexualization of the female breasts, and I would like to be able to move toward not so much sexualization of that,” Chesley said.

  17. #17
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    'Lastminute.com fails to meet Covid refund deadline'

    Clearly didn't allow enough time 🙄

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    Big Brother really is watching 😬

    There are stats on how many times per day people are seen via CCTV. Perhaps some stats on drone video video surveillance are due?

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    "High-speed dealer had crack in his pants"

    😅 A local news site fitting a few plays on words into a single headline.

  20. #20
    Moderator puzzld's Avatar
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    LA police shoot dead man wearing body armor in Hollywood
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    lol at Nestle being some vicious smiter, she's the nicest person on this site besides probably puzzld. Or at least the last person to resort to smiting.
    Quote Originally Posted by nestlequikie View Post
    Why on earth would I smite you when I can ban you?

  21. #21
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    "Corruption victims call for Dick removal"

    Yahoo news reports that the Met Police's Cressida is under pressure.

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    Maybe it was counterfeit body armor?

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