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Thread: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

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    Ik achukmo-Tikba-Kafi Beth-Deth's Avatar
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    JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    There were three men who died and before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

    The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter."

    So God made him 100 times smarter.

    The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."

    So God made him 1000 times smarter.

    The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter."

    So God made him a woman.


    "The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."

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    Now featuring creatures. Creature Feature's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Two fish are in a tank.
    One says to the other "you man the gun, ill drive"




    Whats pink and fluffy?


    Pink fluff.


    What is green and brown, has 4 legs, and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?


    Pool table.


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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes I do" she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

    "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too", she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

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    Senior Member Bama Star's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg891967#msg891967 date=1213413269]
    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes I do" she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

    "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too", she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."
    [/quote]



    ask me questions damnit<br />http://www.formspring.me/bama

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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. &quot;What would you like to do first, Kim?&quot; asked Joe.

    &quot;I want to get weighed,&quot; she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.

    He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

    Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

    &quot;I want to get weighed,&quot; she said.

    Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

    The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

    &quot;I want to get weighed,&quot; she responded.

    By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

    Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, &quot;How'd it go?&quot;

    Kim responded, &quot;Oh, Waura, it was wousy.&quot;
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

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    Ik achukmo-Tikba-Kafi Beth-Deth's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg891975#msg891975 date=1213413685]
    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. &quot;What would you like to do first, Kim?&quot; asked Joe.

    &quot;I want to get weighed,&quot; she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.

    He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

    Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

    &quot;I want to get weighed,&quot; she said.

    Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

    The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

    &quot;I want to get weighed,&quot; she responded.

    By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

    Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, &quot;How'd it go?&quot;

    Kim responded, &quot;Oh, Waura, it was wousy.&quot;
    [/quote]


    OMFG that was AWESOME!!! :lol: :lol:

    "The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."

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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Q: What do you call a guy who gets turned on by Pinocchio dolls?
    A: A Gepettophile.



    I admit, I'm only here for the karma.&nbsp;


    :lol:
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

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    Senior Member electricalst0rm's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    What is the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?


    Eventually, a rottweiler lets go.

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    Senior Member Kristinella's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg891989#msg891989 date=1213414079]
    Q: What do you call a guy who gets turned on by Pinocchio dolls?
    A: A Gepettophile.



    I admit, I'm only here for the karma.&nbsp;


    :lol:
    [/quote]

    Cute! &nbsp; :lol:


    There were 3 gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. On their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partners ashes.

    The first guy says, &quot;I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!&quot;

    The second guy says, &quot;I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb.&quot;

    And then the third guy says, &quot;I want to spread him all over my chili&quot;

    The guy who worked at the morgue is stunned, he turns to the third guy and goes, &quot;WHY?&quot;

    The third guy replies, &quot;So he can tear my asshole up one more time.&quot;

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    Senior Member Onthedarkside's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Knock knock

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    Senior Citizen Nomad's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Two sperm are swimming toward the uterus.

    One goes to the other, &quot;Are we there yet?&quot;

    The other sperm says, &quot;Relax, we haven't even passed the esophagus!&quot;


    -----

    A guy's in a locker room and he notices another guy with a cork shoved up his ass.

    He says to the guy, &quot;You know, I normally wouldn't say anything, but I have to know why you have a cork shoved up your ass!&quot;

    The other guy turns to him and says, &quot;You wouldn't believe it!&nbsp; I was waling along the beach, and I tripped over this old lamp.&nbsp; All of a sudden a genie pops out and he tells me he'll grant me one wish.&nbsp; I said, 'No Shit!'&quot;

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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Onthedarkside link=topic=14703.msg891996#msg891996 date=1213414312]
    Knock knock
    [/quote]

    who's there

  13. #13
    Ik achukmo-Tikba-Kafi Beth-Deth's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Onthedarkside link=topic=14703.msg891996#msg891996 date=1213414312]
    Knock knock
    [/quote]

    WHO DAT???

    "The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."

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    Senior Member Onthedarkside's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    well hell I don't know




    eta;&nbsp; wheres my karma?

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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Here's one for Ron.

    WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, &quot;Will you marry me?&quot; The girl said, &quot;No.&quot; And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing a lot. The end.
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

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    Ik achukmo-Tikba-Kafi Beth-Deth's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    There is an old man in a nursing home. A lady comes up to him and says &quot;Hey Harry would you like to go out this weekend? If you say yes I will touch your penis!
    Naw, said Harry I have a date with martha this weekend.
    Well said the woman, &quot;will Martha touch your penis just for a date??&quot;
    &quot;She sure will&quot; he said.
    &quot;Well what does martha have that i dont have??&quot;

    &quot;Parkinsons&quot; said Harry.

    "The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."

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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Beth-Deth link=topic=14703.msg892014#msg892014 date=1213414852]
    There is an old man in a nursing home. A lady comes up to him and says &quot;Hey Harry would you like to go out this weekend? If you say yes I will touch your penis!
    Naw, said Harry I have a date with martha this weekend.
    Well said the woman, &quot;will Martha touch your penis just for a date??&quot;
    &quot;She sure will&quot; he said.
    &quot;Well what does martha have that i dont have??&quot;

    &quot;Parkinsons&quot; said Harry.
    [/quote]

    I loved that one Beth.


    Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, &quot;I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.&quot; &quot;Thank God,&quot; says an elderly nun at the back of the room, &quot;I'm so tired of Chardonnay.&quot;
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

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    Senior Member Onthedarkside's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    We can have one more drink then we all need to go to bed.&nbsp;

  19. #19
    Ik achukmo-Tikba-Kafi Beth-Deth's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=teifl link=topic=14703.msg892018#msg892018 date=1213415089]
    I loved that one Beth.


    Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, &quot;I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.&quot; &quot;Thank God,&quot; says an elderly nun at the back of the room, &quot;I'm so tired of Chardonnay.&quot;
    [/quote]

    Thanks that is one of my all time favorites!! I like your joke too!!

    Maybe you will like this one.


    What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub??
    The woman in church has HOPE IN HER SOUL and the woman in the bathtub has......

    "The female of the species, is more deadly than the male."

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    Senior Member Onthedarkside's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Soap in her hole!!&nbsp;

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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    An eskimo is driving along in his jeep, and suddenly it breaks down.

    He takes it to an eskimo mechanic, who takes a look under the hood.

    The mechanic turns to him and says, &quot;It looks like you blew a seal.&quot;

    The eskimo driver replies, &quot;No, it's just snot.&quot;

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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
    walk him and pitch to the rhino



    A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

    He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps to the operator: &quot;My friend is dead! What can I do?&quot;

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: &quot;Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.&quot;

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: &quot;OK, now what?&quot;
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

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    Senior Member Onthedarkside's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Tammie will beat you all with the jokes!!&nbsp; Believe me I know these things!

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    อินตาเงียบเหงามาก dogday's Avatar
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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.

    The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen
    to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting &quot;One,two three, uhh...one,
    two three, uhh...&quot;

    In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, &quot;So how was it?&quot;
    The first dwarf says,&quot;It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night.&quot; The
    second dwarf says,&quot;You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the
    fucking bed.&quot;

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    Re: JOKES??!! Post 'em here! karma abounds!

    [quote author=Onthedarkside link=topic=14703.msg892031#msg892031 date=1213415779]
    Tammie will beat you all with the jokes!!&nbsp; Believe me I know these things!
    [/quote]

    Are you sick of them yet? Ready to call uncle?

    I swear everyday I expect the message just begging to stop with all the jokes.&nbsp; :lol:
    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

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