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Thread: Emails from an asshole

  1. #76
    Senior Member UncomfortablyNumb's Avatar
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    This thread is fucking amazing.
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    She transitioned from a stupid asshole to a dumb bitch.

  2. #77
    dimedropper
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    Quote Originally Posted by the color nine View Post
    What is this?
    This is a collection of e-mails I have sent to people who post classified ads. My goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off. These are the ones that succeeded.
    http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php


    Tyrone's Dog Babysitting Service
    Posted at: 2009-07-02 10:41:53 | 72 comments | Add Comment
    Original ad:
    DOG WATCHER WANTED! we are leaving town for a week and need someone to take care of our 6-year-old rottweiler. he is very friendly! we are looking for someone trustworthy with experience, so we will need references. will pay $30 per day. email if interested!
    From Tyrone Jackson to ************@******.org
    yo wat up! i saw your ad looking for someone to take care of your rottweiler. ill do it no problem. i live in the area and can pick him up.

    From Tanya ****** to Me
    tyrone do you have any references? can you tell us a little about yourself?

    From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
    yea i got some references. you can talk to my bro devon, or my associate g-ice. ill have them hit u up. a little about myself: i love taking care of dogs and shit

    now you said your rottweiler is friendly. how friendly is he? would he be able to fight another dog if they were both put in a ring? just wonderin.

    also can you pay me the money up front straight cash? i need it to enter in a contest.

    From Tanya ****** to Me
    I dont want you watching my dog!!!! find someone else for your dog fighting ring sicko!!!!!!!

    From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
    whoa whoa slow yo role! who said anything about dog fighting? i was just wondering if your dog could protect itself, in case an angrier dog tries to start some shit while im walkin him. you need to chill the fuck out and stop jumpin to conclusions

    From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
    look you triflin bitch just gimme the dog. i need it, the fight is tonight! ill pay you 200 cash plus 20 percent of whatever i win

    From Tanya ****** to Me
    STOP IT


    A few hours later...



    From G Ice to Tanya ******
    ay yo wat up woman, its ya boy tyrone's boy G Ice. tyrone was sayin he needed a reference for ur dog babysittin job so here i am. tyrone be great with dogs. he loves em so much and will care the shit out of them. my boy tyrone is definitely the right man for the job, i aint playin

    From Tanya ****** to Me
    GO AWAY





    High-rise Fridge Delivery
    Posted at: 2009-07-06 09:51:49 | 133 comments | Add Comment
    Original ad:
    I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
    From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

    Hello,

    I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

    Mike

    From marty ******* to Me

    Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

    When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

    Mike

    From marty ******* to Me

    that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

    From marty ******* to Me

    absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    Marty,

    You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

    Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

    How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

    Mike

    From marty ******* to Me

    mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    Marty,

    I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

    I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

    From marty ******* to Me

    Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.

    From Mike Partlow to marty *******

    Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

    Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

    So see you Tuesday?

    Mike

    From marty ******* to Me

    shut the fuck up.
    these are fantastic.Thanks for the laughs

  3. #78
    Chin Checker g r ee n ey e s's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MoonDancer View Post
    And apparently you fuck the mods here.

  4. #79
    dimedropper
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    hands fuckin down the best thread on this site.Thanks

  5. #80
    Senior Member leapfreak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loonywop View Post
    hands fuckin down the best thread on this site.Thanks
    It's not about death. Obviously it's a stupid thread to have on this site

  6. #81
    Sana sana colita de rana beli's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by leapfreak View Post
    It's not about death. Obviously it's a stupid thread to have on this site
    Quote Originally Posted by Gawna View Post
    Roses are red, violets are blue, seriously where is the fucking ring I gave Julie and ask her mom about the flowers
    Quote Originally Posted by Ron_NYC View Post
    In all fairness, we have no idea how big this dude's cock was.

  7. #82
    dimedropper
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    Quote Originally Posted by leapfreak View Post
    It's not about death. Obviously it's a stupid thread to have on this site
    touche douche.No it's not but it's not bearing someone's sorry ass problems on a death site.

  8. #83
    Cousin Greg Angiebla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loonywop View Post
    touche douche.No it's not but it's not bearing someone's sorry ass problems on a death site.
    That was kind of mean to say. I like this whole site. I do love this thread though, it's pretty funny.

    "The love for all living creatures is the most noble attribute of man" -Charles Darwin

    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Chelsea, if you are a ghost and reading mds, I command you to walk into the light.

  9. #84
    sucks to your ass-mar Nancy Drew's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loonywop View Post
    touche douche.No it's not but it's not bearing someone's sorry ass problems on a death site.
    Why don't you write some emails and post them so we can continue the best thread on this site?
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    oMG, yeah, no, AMY is in no way superior to Tara. Never.

  10. #85
    dimedropper
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nancy Drew View Post
    Why don't you write some emails and post them so we can continue the best thread on this site?
    Right after I get back from Puerto Vallarta in 3 weeks I will.I used to do this with the bargin news on the phone.It was funny

  11. #86
    Senior Member leapfreak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nancy Drew View Post
    Why don't you write some emails and post them so we can continue the best thread on this site?
    Careful or she'll send you bizarre pms about vaginal wash that she's sending to me. My vagina is squeaky clean loonywop but I appreciate you thinking of me

  12. #87
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by leapfreak View Post
    Careful or she'll send you bizarre pms about vaginal wash that she's sending to me. My vagina is squeaky clean loonywop but I appreciate you thinking of me
    Who is this creepy weirdo?
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  13. #88
    dimedropper
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ron_NYC View Post
    Who is this creepy weirdo?
    this is my new shadow.I'm flattered .I have tried throwing the stick but she's a retriever.
    Last edited by loonywop; 06-25-2013 at 04:24 PM.

  14. #89
    Senior Member leapfreak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loonywop View Post
    this is my new shadow.I'm flattered .I have tryed throwing the stick but she's a retriever.

  15. #90
    dimedropper
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    Quote Originally Posted by leapfreak View Post
    Careful or she'll send you bizarre pms about vaginal wash that she's sending to me. My vagina is squeaky clean loonywop but I appreciate you thinking of me
    thinking of you as a vagina is what I do best

  16. #91
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loonywop View Post
    this is my new shadow.I'm flattered .I have tryed throwing the stick but she's a retriever.
    You're trying to send me messages, lover. So who's shadowing who here?
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  17. #92
    sucks to your ass-mar Nancy Drew's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loonywop View Post
    thinking of you as a vagina is what I do best
    WHY DO YOU HATE VAGINAS, HOMO?
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    oMG, yeah, no, AMY is in no way superior to Tara. Never.

  18. #93
    Senior Member leapfreak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ron_NYC View Post
    You're trying to send me messages, lover. So who's shadowing who here?
    It's my vagina it's obsessed with. Back off Ronald

  19. #94
    Chin Checker g r ee n ey e s's Avatar
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    Is Loony an old member?


    Quote Originally Posted by MoonDancer View Post
    And apparently you fuck the mods here.

  20. #95
    dimedropper
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ron_NYC View Post
    You're trying to send me messages, lover. So who's shadowing who here?
    I just wanted to ask you something.no worries.It was an invitation.It's all good

  21. #96
    dimedropper
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    Quote Originally Posted by g r ee n ey e s View Post
    Is Loony an old member?
    no 2012 ....a noob in your eyes

  22. #97
    fun hater Shins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by leapfreak View Post
    Careful or she'll send you bizarre pms about vaginal wash that she's sending to me. My vagina is squeaky clean loonywop but I appreciate you thinking of me
    It's a she? I pictured a fat greasy italian man.
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Listen, if no one cares when a crazy noodle walks in and executes children with a gun, no one cares about anything.

  23. #98
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shins View Post
    It's a she? I pictured a fat greasy italian man.
    Yea, I'm not picturing a she at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  24. #99
    Senior Member UncomfortablyNumb's Avatar
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    I thought loony was a he?
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    She transitioned from a stupid asshole to a dumb bitch.

  25. #100
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    I've just been reading these. Is the Japanese one new?
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

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