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Thread: Emails from an asshole

  1. #51
    Senior Member deeply shaded's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Quote Originally Posted by beli View Post
    kim kardashian - made famous for having a sex tape, should die in a fire
    Quote Originally Posted by McMama View Post
    Have you ever walked into a mall, sat on God's lap, and had your picture taken?

  2. #52
    the color nine
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Original ad:
    Free Graphic Design Needed
    I need someone who wants to do some graphic design work to design an ad for my business in the local newspaper. Would look great for your portfolio. Email me if you can help. Thanks

    From Me to *********@*********.org:

    Hey there,

    I am just starting my career as a graphic designer and have helped design several ads featured in various magazines. I would be happy to help you with your ad. Can you tell me what you had in mind?

    Thanks,

    Mike

    From Lucy ******* to Me:

    Hi Mike! I own a new hair salon for men called Sporty's Haircuts. The ad will be 2 inches by 4 inches and featured in the local newspaper. We don't have a logo or slogan. The ad simply needs to say the name of the business, and our address and phone number:

    124 South ****** Ave
    (***)-***-****

    It needs to be attention-grabbing and also include a graphic related to haircuts. I don't have any images so you will have to design them. Please don't have anything boring (i.e. a graphic of scissors.)

    Thank you so much for your help!

    Lucy

    From Me to Lucy *******:

    Sounds good, Lucy. I'll get back to you within a day with the proposed ad for your review.

    From Lucy ******* to Me:

    Great. Thank you Mike!

    From Me to Lucy *******:

    Lucy,

    I have attached the first draft of the ad. Please let me know what you think.

    Mike

    Attachment:


    From Lucy ******* to Me:

    Mike, I don't completely understand the ad. Could you please explain what you were going for with that graphic?

    From Me to Lucy *******:

    Lucy,

    It is a man admiring his new haircut while a woman is crouching down to clean up the hair clippings on the floor below him.

    Mike

    From Lucy ******* to Me:

    Oh. That’s not what think when I look at it. It looks very suggestive to me. Why is "downtown" and "service" in quotes?

    From Me to Lucy *******:

    How is that suggestive? The only thing it suggests to me is that I will be getting a very admirable haircut and quality service. The fact that the woman is already cleaning up the hair clippings while the man is still in the chair suggests that your store is quick, efficient, and clean.

    Downtown is in quotes because it is short for Downtown *******, and I put "Service" in quotes to suggest that you will be getting much "more" than a haircut, such as helpful employees, great deals, and friendly smiles. If you do not offer great deals or friendly smiles, then I apologize for the mistake and will remove the quotes from around "Service." Otherwise, I don't understand what your problem is with the ad.

    Mike

    From Lucy ******* to Me:

    Cut the BS, Mike. You know exactly what you did. Are you going to keep wasting my time or design the real ad?

    From Me to Lucy *******:

    Lucy, can you please explain why you are unhappy with the ad? I can't make changes if you are being so vague about everything. Would you like me to have the woman holding scissors and a hair comb?

    Mike

    From Lucy ******* to Me:

    Leave me alone.

  3. #53
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    That actually looks more like someone bending over to cut the pink stickperson's hair. :lol:

    But lulz.

  4. #54
    Senior Member Cremation's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=the color nine link=topic=20941.msg1535179#msg1535179 date=1265924198]






    [/quote]I laughed so hard, there where tears..

  5. #55
    Senior Member Cremation's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Where were the tears you ask, there still coming. This thread is the shit.

  6. #56
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Suspicious Carpet Buyer
    Posted at: 2010-02-27 00:13:38 | 158 comments | Add Comment
    Original ad:
    I need a whole roll of carpet doesnt matter what kind will pay cash i need it fast

    From Me to ***********@*************.org:

    Hey,

    Do you still need rolls of carpet? I have a deal worked out with a carpet wholesaler and can get you as many carpets as you need.

    Thanks,

    Mike

    From *********@comcast.net to Me:

    yeah I just need one how much do you want for it

    From Me to *********@comcast.net:

    I am asking $50 for the roll of carpet. It sounds like you also need some cleaning supplies. Luckily, I also sell gloves, mops, buckets, spray bottles, garbage bags, as well as disinfectants, odor removal chemicals, and enzyme solvents, in case you are interested in any of that.

    Mike

    From *********@comcast.net to Me:

    what? I dont need any of that just the rug

    From Me to *********@comcast.net:

    Are you sure? It sounds like you need this rug to take care of a "problem", and you might want the cleaning supplies to clean up the rest of that problem.

    Mike

    From *********@comcast.net to Me:

    my only problem is that i need this carpet and you are trying to sell me cleaning stuff

    From Me to *********@comcast.net:

    Look, you don't have to fool me. There is only one reason to urgently need a rug. It is pretty clear that you killed someone and need to get rid of them.

    I've been there, man...whether it is a friend who overdosed on drugs, or a dead hooker, it is important that you clean everything up. You can't just roll them up in a carpet and forget about them. Don't worry, I can help you.

    Mike

    From *********@comcast.net to Me:

    i didnt kill a hooker what the hell is wrong with you? i need the carpet for my apartment to replace my old stained carpet so i dont get screwed on my security deposit which is why i need it fast

    From Me to *********@comcast.net:

    Hey man, I'm not one to judge you. I understand that accidents happen. Maybe she didn't tell you when to stop choking her, or maybe you didn't realize that roofie you slipped in her Cosmo was actually cyanide. Either way, a dead hooker isn't the end of the world. Hookers die all the time; it comes with their line of work. The important thing is to stay calm and make sure that you clean everything up.

    You have a good cover story with the security deposit. You are smart to get rid of the old blood-stained carpet, but you still will need my cleaning supplies. A small blood stain on the top of the rug is usually a much larger stain underneath the rug, and you can't simply put a new rug on top of it. With my dead hooker cleanup package, it comes with everything you need to clean up the "accident" and make it look like it never happened. The entire package, including the rug, will only cost you $100.

    You should act soon before it is too late!

    Mike

    From *********@comcast.net to Me:

    is everyone on craigslist this crazy or is it just you? all i want is the carpet and you are being a huge pain in my ass. ill find one from someone who isnt a goddamn psycho


    Lenny's Acid Trip
    Posted at: 2010-03-09 10:46:33 | 165 comments | Add Comment
    Original ad:
    Do not Use Lenny the Mechanic:
    He has an ad on here for car repairs and I asked him to fix my blown head gasket. He showed up to my house, broke a bunch of parts and left. He has been avoiding me ever since. DO NOT USE THIS GUY.
    Lenny, if you are reading this, you owe me an explanation.

    From Me to ***************@***********.org:

    Hey,

    My apologies for bailing on your car. I know I have been hard to contact; I lost my phone and had to get a new e-mail address. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make it up to you.

    Lenny

    From **********@gmail.com to Me:

    You could start by explaining yourself...

    From Me to **********@gmail.com:

    Well, I was pretty baked when I showed up, and I had just eaten a bag of shrooms and taken three hits of acid. I thought I would be able to fix your car before the shrooms and acid kicked in, but I was wrong. While I was disconnecting the sensors, I started tripping pretty hard. At one point it looked like the intake manifold was laughing at me. I freaked out and bashed it with a socket wrench, and then ran back to my car and got the hell out of there. I'm not sure what happened after that. The next thing I remember is waking up naked in a church confessional booth two days later. When I got back to my house, the State Police were there and told me they found my car abandoned in a car wash about 50 miles away. Needless to say, it has been a crazy weekend for me. That is why I was unable to fix your car.

    From **********@gmail.com to Me:

    Uh...not sure what to take from all that. You deemed it a good idea to take drugs before working on my car because...why?

    From Me to **********@gmail.com:

    Honestly I forgot I had to work on your car. I remembered after I took the shrooms and acid. Once I get my car back from the police, I should be able to come over and finish working on your car. Oh by the way, sorry about the dump I took on your lawn. I was too embarrassed to go inside and ask to use the bathroom because it would have been obvious that I was tripping.

    From **********@gmail.com to Me:

    Unbelievable. I don't want you to do any more work on my car. I do want you to pay for the damage you did to my car. If you don't, I will take you to small claims court.

    From Me to **********@gmail.com:

    Whoa man, why are you being such a dick? Not cool. If anything, you should be paying me. I seriously fucked up my hand when I hit your intake manifold with the wrench. It feels like I fractured it. I don't have any health insurance, and seeing as I got injured under your employment, I think you are obligated to pay for my medical bills.

    From **********@gmail.com to Me:

    Not a chance in hell. I think all those drugs you took fried your brain - you're fucked in the head if you think any of this is acceptable. If you don't pay the damages, we are going to have a problem.

    From Me to **********@gmail.com:

    I have another eighth of shrooms I can give you...will that cover it?

    From Me to **********@gmail.com:

    I'll take that as a yes?
    born to be down

  7. #57
    the color nine
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    Re: Emails from an asshole






  8. #58
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    :lol:

  9. #59
    Senior Member jessielee's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    Ok so this shit is hilarious and "Mike" is my new hero!! I am sitting in my office cracking up and my employees are shooting me dirty ass looks cuz theyre busting their asses and Im in here reading  and busting up. o well thats why they work for me and not the other way around.

  10. #60
    the color nine
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    Re: Emails from an asshole






  11. #61
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    Re: Emails from an asshole


    I could just read these all day long. Brilliant!!!

  12. #62
    Senior Member jessielee's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=DinHB link=topic=20941.msg1678634#msg1678634 date=1279914247]

    I could just read these all day long. Brilliant!!!
    [/quote]
    I know right? its definitely one of mah favs!

  13. #63
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    So a transgasket differential isn't real?
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  14. #64
    Senior Member deeply shaded's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=Ron_NYC link=topic=20941.msg1678936#msg1678936 date=1279940981]
    So a transgasket differential isn't real?
    [/quote]

    I'm confused now, because I swear I just paid for installation of a new one.
    Quote Originally Posted by beli View Post
    kim kardashian - made famous for having a sex tape, should die in a fire
    Quote Originally Posted by McMama View Post
    Have you ever walked into a mall, sat on God's lap, and had your picture taken?

  15. #65
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=deeply shaded link=topic=20941.msg1678943#msg1678943 date=1279941539]
    I'm confused now, because I swear I just paid for installation of a new one.
    [/quote]you probably paid for a new gasket to be put on your differential. 

  16. #66
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=deeply shaded link=topic=20941.msg1678943#msg1678943 date=1279941539]
    I'm confused now, because I swear I just paid for installation of a new one.
    [/quote]

    You have a differential and a gasket or 6, but if you have a transgasket you got problems.

    also, you might have a flux capacitor if you have a transgasket


  17. #67
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=AtlantaAndy link=topic=20941.msg1678998#msg1678998 date=1279944405]
    You have a differential and a gasket or 6, but if you have a transgasket you got problems.

    also, you might have a flux capacitor if you have a transgasket
    [/quote]
    Well it was a Delorean.
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  18. #68
    Senior Member deeply shaded's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=White trash bitchy blonde link=topic=20941.msg1678996#msg1678996 date=1279944212]
    you probably paid for a new gasket to be put on your differential. 
    [/quote]


    [quote author=AtlantaAndy link=topic=20941.msg1678998#msg1678998 date=1279944405]
    You have a differential and a gasket or 6, but if you have a transgasket you got problems.

    also, you might have a flux capacitor if you have a transgasket


    [/quote]

    It was a joke, you fuckwads. 
    Quote Originally Posted by beli View Post
    kim kardashian - made famous for having a sex tape, should die in a fire
    Quote Originally Posted by McMama View Post
    Have you ever walked into a mall, sat on God's lap, and had your picture taken?

  19. #69
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=deeply shaded link=topic=20941.msg1679005#msg1679005 date=1279944693]

    It was a joke, you fuckwads. 
    [/quote]
    It was?
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

  20. #70
    Senior Member deeply shaded's Avatar
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    [quote author=Ron_NYC link=topic=20941.msg1679006#msg1679006 date=1279944803]
    It was?
    [/quote]

    Yes. It was.
    Quote Originally Posted by beli View Post
    kim kardashian - made famous for having a sex tape, should die in a fire
    Quote Originally Posted by McMama View Post
    Have you ever walked into a mall, sat on God's lap, and had your picture taken?

  21. #71
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    :oops:

  22. #72
    the color nine
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    Re: Emails from an asshole






  23. #73
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    Re: Emails from an asshole

    hahahahaaaa, thats awesome!

  24. #74
    Senior Member nclexusgirl's Avatar
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    Original ad:
    Pole hedge trimmer for sale - Homelite electric hedge trimmer. Great condition. $50 OBO. Email me at russ*******@gmail.com.



    From Me to Russ *******:

    Hey Russ,

    That's a really nice shovel you have in the picture. Is it for sale?

    Mike

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    Sorry guy. Only selling the hedge trimmer.

    From Me to Russ *******:

    I'll give you $10 for the shovel.

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    Cant you read? The shovel isnt for sale.

    From Me to Russ *******:

    You drive a hard bargain on the shovel. I'll give you $15 for it, and that is my final offer.

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    Here is my final offer: shut the hell up and leave me alone!

    ================================================== ======

    Later, from another email account...

    ================================================== ======


    From Me to Russ *******:

    Hey I'm emailing you about the shovel. Your asking price of $10 sounds fair to me. And with the free extention cord, that is a steal. I'll take it!

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    What are you on about? The shovel isn't for sale.

    From Me to Russ *******:

    Excuse me? That's not what your ad says.

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    My ad says nothing about the shovel. I'm selling the hedge trimmer, not the shovel. Look again. Nowhere is a shovel mentioned.

    From Me to Russ *******:

    Quit dicking me around. This ad says you are selling the shovel!



    I can assure you I am not Jewish so you can stop pretending you aren't selling the shovel.

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    Oh my god...I swear I didnt put that up. Somebody is messing with me!

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    Can you send me the link to that ad so I can have them take it down?

    From Me to Russ *******:

    Sorry, I can't find the link anymore. My wife needed to use the computer so I had to delete my browsing history because I was looking at porn earlier. It was somewhere in the stuff for sale section, if I'm not mistaken...so does this mean I can't buy your shovel?

    ================================================== ======

    From another email account...

    ================================================== ======

    From Me to Russ *******:

    Dear Anti-Semite douchebag,

    I got a bone to pick with you. I came across your ad in my search for a new shovel and it seemed like a great deal. Until I read your disgusting comment about not selling the shovel to Jewish people. How the hell do you think that is acceptable in this day and age? What does it matter what religion someone is for you to sell them a shovel? This is absolutely despicable and an outrage to the Jewish community. You make me sick.

    Sincerely NOT buying your shovel of hatred,

    Mordecai Goldstein

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    I don't have a problem with jews at all! Someone else put that ad up to mess with me and I cant find where it is! Can you send me the link to the ad please??

    From Me to Russ *******:

    Why don't you shovel your Nazi bullshit to someone else? This "Jew" isn't buying it!

    ================================================== ======

    He finally decided to email my original account:

    ================================================== ======

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    Look you little prick I know you put that fucking ad up and you need to take it the fuck down RIGHT NOW. I'm not selling the fucking shovel GET OVER IT and quit being immature you son of a bitch.

    From Me to Russ *******:

    I'm sorry, I thought I was doing you a favor. I wanted you to see how many great offers you could get if you decided to sell the shovel.

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    I'M NOT SELLING THE FUCKING SHOVEL LET IT GO! Tell me this asshole if you were doing a favor then why did you put that shit about the jews in there???

    From Me to Russ *******:

    I detected some strong anti-Semitic undertones in our initial conversation...I just assumed you were an anti-Semite. My apologies.

    From Russ ******* to Me:

    TAKE THE AD DOWN

    ================================================== ======

    I emailed him one last time, from another account.

    ================================================== ======

    From Me to Russ *******:

    Good afternoon!

    I saw your ad for the shovel for sale. I'm more interested in the axe you have in that picture. Are you selling the axe? I'll give you $20 cash for it.

    - Dave
    I can be your *ADDICTION* if you wanna get hooked on something!!

  25. #75
    Certified Grumple Bottoms Ron_NYC's Avatar
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    I got a bone to pick with you. I came across your ad in my search for a new shovel and it seemed like a great deal. Until I read your disgusting comment about not selling the shovel to Jewish people. How the hell do you think that is acceptable in this day and age? What does it matter what religion someone is for you to sell them a shovel? This is absolutely despicable and an outrage to the Jewish community. You make me sick.
    Quote Originally Posted by bowieluva View Post
    Ron was the best part, hands down.

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