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Thread: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall took her own life and her remains were not found for three years

  1. #1
    Olivia
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    Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall took her own life and her remains were not found for three years

    This one is kinda strange.  Her boyfriends blogs are so strange

    Kellie "Wednesday" Hall, a native of Beaumont, Tex., and recent resident of Austin, has been missing since the evening of April 25. Her vehicle, a gold-colored late ‘90s Chrysler Cirrus mid-size sedan, was found in the parking lot of a Waffle House restaurant on Ben White Blvd., near the intersection of Highway 183 and Riverside Drive in southeast Austin. A missing persons report for Kellie has been filed with the Austin Police Department.

    Since her disappearance, several of Kellie's friends and co-workers have posted fliers with her photo and description throughout the Austin area (electronic copy attached), requesting anyone with any information on her whereabouts contact Missing Persons at 512-974-5250. In addition, her friends, co-workers and others have worked with area EquiSearch personnel on organized search efforts in the area where Kellie was last seen.

    Kellie's friends and co-workers at Texas AgriLife Extension Service in Travis County

    are reaching out to the media, asking for additional help in locating her, and are hoping your outlet will assist in this effort. Kellie grew up in Beaumont, so we are sending this request to Beaumont-area media to see if you can assist.

    Here is a general description of Kellie "Wednesday" Hall (DOB: 7-7-79) for your information:

    Age: 29

    Height: 5 ft., 6 in.

    Weight: 175 lbs.

    Race: Caucasian

    Eye color: Brown

    Hair color: Red

    Kellie was last seen wearing dark clothing. A photo of her is attached, along with an electronic file of the flier which is still being distributed. We would greatly appreciate any assistance you can give in helping find Kellie by asking the public to contact the Austin Police Department's missing persons number, 512-974-5250, if anyone has information about her.

    http://www.kfdm.com/news/missing-31617-service-kelli.html

    Her boyfriends blogs and photobucket
    http://puf-almighty.livejournal.com/
    http://puf.deadjournal.com/
    http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v138/puf_almighty/

  2. #2
    Olivia
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    I am reading his blogs.  He sounds insane.

    "One embarrassing, stupid consequence of this is that I'm really gassy. Burping and farting all the time, even though I can't really eat. I don't like it. That's not what they put in the movies."

    "Found her car. It was unlocked, had her ID, phone, keys inside. Had a will. She left me all her money because she said she owed it to me. Baby you don't owe me anything i love you" - it says in his blog that she is his wife.  Wouldn't all her money go to him anyway?

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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    The guy's blog is strange.  Certainly not something I was expecting... I don't know... I just think he might know more than he's saying.  Just a gut feeling.

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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    I haven't read every single blog entry of his, but so far I don't think he sounds insane.  I can't say how anyone would or should act in this situation but the process he's going through is quite "normal" and I think he's just writing out the things most people in that situation would be thinking.  He is obviously educated and articulate.  My gut is that he's not involved and doesn't know anything more.  It's also possible that I'm just not seeing something everyone else is.....time will tell us more I guess....  I hope you are ok Kellie.

  5. #5
    Olivia
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    Interesting?  This is from the boyfriend's blog


  6. #6
    Olivia
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    I found these posts from someone on another missing person forum re Kellie.

    Hello & Thank You for the posting about Kellie Hall. I have been one of her best friends for the past 14 years and like a mother to her when she needed one. I am almost certain that she has met with foul play but cannot wean any information out of the cops about her case and when I talked to John he was certain that she is already dead - at her own hand - so he was no help.

    Kellie has attempted suicide once, several years ago, but it was a much different scenerio. She checked into a motel, wrote notes to the people she loved, laid them out with their names on them, put her ID out where it could be easily found, wrote a suicide note, and took a drug overdose. It was her intention to be found quickly, easily identified, and her body left in a state that would not be too "traumatic" for her friends and family to handle.

    I do NOT believe that she would leave her ID, a suicide note, and a "will" in her car and wander off into "the wild" to die. I just don't believe it. It's possible that she intended to kill herself - or was thinking about killing herself - but went to the Waffle House first. She likes to go to Waffle House late at night to sip coffee and read / journal / or study. Kellie did not get her driver's license until she was a college student and before that she would walk, take public transportation, or hitchhike where-ever she wanted or needed to go. I think it's very possible that after having her coffee she could not get her car to start (or had some kind of car trouble) and that she started to walk home, accepted a ride, or was forced into a car by someone and is either dead or being held against her will. No one will tell me if she had gas in the car, if the battery was dead, or if she had a flat tire. The cops are not giving me any info at all because I am not a blood relative. Kellie does not know how to jump-start a car or change a tire and would not think twice about walking several miles to get where she wanted to go.

    If Kellie had committed suicide she would have made finding her body easy, and identifying her easier still. And I am saying this as someone who has been close to Kellie for 14 years (since she was 15 and dating my foster son), known some of her darkest secrets, and shared good times and bad. I've been one of her best friends and I've loved her like a daughter. She would not play this kind of mind game on anyone.

    Again, THANKS to everyone who has helped to look for her and Thanks to those of you on this website who have shared their thoughts and opinions on Kellie being missing & endangered.


    and

    Me again. The last time I talked to Kellie was 04/21 and she didn't mention any problems. She had called me 2 or 3 days before that about some orphaned kittens she found that she needed advice for. (I live 7 hours away from her and John) John waited SIX days (from the 25th) to call me and tell me that she is missing. SIX DAYS! He said that Kellie had asked him to notify me of her death in her "will". My boyfriend and I were STUNNED and still are. Like I said before... I believe that Kellie has met with foul play. She is NOT the type of person to stage a suicide (or suicide attempt) in this manner. I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT KELLIE HAS DISAPPEARED OF HER OWN VOLITION. SOMEONE HAS EITHER KILLED HER OR IS HOLDING HER AGAINST HER WILL. If she had killed herself she would have done it someplace private yet obvious so that she could be found and quickly identified. She would never do this, not ever.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Hayalet's Avatar
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    This is getting weird, marking my spot. Might have a hunt round later.

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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    Wow. Weird blogs... but I think he realllllllly loved her. Poor guy. I hope she comes home.

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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    She was reported missing on the 25th of April, and he leaves this comment about moving on with his life on May 10th... less than a month later:
    Talked to the guys last night. Talked about how Kellie is my whole font of confidence. How I thought I was a big dog, I thought I was the cock of the walk. And how now I'm deflated. Who is there to tell me I can do it? Who's there to say she believes in me, to pick me up and dust me off and send me back out there?

    Trey said, "She said those things because she saw something in you. She wouldn't want you to lose that, to just stop living."

    Because she saw something in me.
    :)
    So now when I feel low, I can think of her voice saying, "You can do it," and "I believe in you." And I can be strong again.

    :)

    100 billion galaxies, and counting. Algae and the humans that eat them. I know, now, that I'm just this scrap of flesh and consciousness, blown around by forces I'll never know. But I can still feel good about myself. Because another scrap believes in me.
    :)

    And I believe in you too, Kellie bear. Whether you're out there living or onto something I don't quite understand, I believe you're so awesome and badass that if anyone can hang, it's you. And I hope you come back so I can tell you that face-to-face.

    Things are gettin better.

    I'm thinking about moving back to Beaumont. It's a small and boring town, but I have family and friends here. Not to de-value the friends I've made in Austin, because they're strong. But it's hard to replace a bond that's ten years old.
    Austin is a big and wonderful place. I can find any location in it, I know the back-streets. I'm learning Spanish, I like the people. But it's not home.

    I asked the guys, last night, to go to Austin with me so I could have my friends. Trey said, "I can't follow where you're going, John." This is weird, Trey's usually very tacit and reserved. And he was, like, biblical last night. They all seem to agree that I have some kind of big destiny or something.

    I don't understand that. I feel so small. I don't understand why everyone believes in me.
    I really don't understand, what it is I'm supposed to do.
    But I don't want fame anymore. It's empty. I want meaning.
    I can't follow where you're going, John?

    His blog posts are very strange.  It's almost like he is writing proof that he was sad and heartbroken in case he needs it later on. 

  10. #10
    Olivia
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    She is still missing.

    A blog from 14 May

    May. 14th, 200908:33 pm - email
     
    One of her emails had been marked as read, today, about this Betsy Larkin thing. It was from mylife.com, "your search for betsy larkin has 2 new results" or something.
    What's that mean?


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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    I was looking through his photobucket account and found TONS of pictures of a random forrest/swampy area.  I have no idea what this place is, or why he has so many photos of the area, but I wonder if the police have searched it?  Here are a couple examples of what I am talking about:










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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    Well the weirdo BF updates his blog a lot, but only twice mentions Kellie since mid-May and its nothing new. Wish I knew what really happened to this girl.  :?

  13. #13
    Olivia
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09



    Too scared to come and talk to us?

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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    So he has been googling his GF. Unless someone hinted him here. I love being creepy, if that is what people consider MDS. 

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    Senior Member jnicole's Avatar
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    At first, I got the concerned lover vibe from him.


    Now I get the "knows way more then I am saying so I am going to put on a show for you" vibe from him. 

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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    [quote author=jnicole link=topic=19771.msg1293584#msg1293584 date=1243910186]
    At first, I got the concerned lover vibe from him.


    Now I get the "knows way more then I am saying so I am going to put on a show for you" vibe from him. 
    [/quote]

    I never got the concerned lover vibe.

    His blog posts seem like he is trying too hard.  I could be wrong, and I hope I am.  It's like he is putting on an act to me... I feel like if I could actually see him in person or on tape saying the words instead of writing them he would be one of those people who cries without tears.  A bad actor.

    Again, I would love to be wrong.  Believe me.

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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    I think they will find her dead & he will have had something to do with it.  I hope not, for her sake  but that's probably how it will go down :(
    American Witch, Crazy Bitch<br /><br />

  18. #18
    slug life paranoia agent's Avatar
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    new blog (sorry it's long)
    http://puf.deadjournal.com/

    hurts [02 Jun 2009|02:19am]
    [ music | http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R4lqeIQ0t8 ]

    Jesus man, why is this coming now. I haven't cried in weeks. I thought I was done.

    Just started thinking that maybe she's really gone.
    Some people say that. Most don't.

    I guess maybe I never really dealt with that possibility in the first place.

    I'm so lonely. Her room is there, right over there. Fifteen feet to the left of me. With all her stuff in it. It's quiet. She should be in there making noise.

    I categorize, I organize, mentally. I name things, genus and species. But I don't know what to call this.
    How to deal with this.

    We haven't found a body. Not in any place the police would have found.
    That song got me crying. The Best by the Foo Fighters. Is someone getting the best of you.

    We haven't found a body anywhere public and we haven't found one after searching all those woods, for miles.
    But what if it was just behind that tree, or under that bush.
    I think about her smile, decaying. God. God! Clothes rotting. Crows and maggots and fungus. Jesus. They said I didn't want to find her body, that I should stop searching. It probably would be worse.
    Mummified, now. Jesus.

    Mamady says he doesn't feel that she's in danger. Trey said he thinks she is dead or the police would have found her, if she was alive. I think Trey over-estimates their power. Mom says she thinks she is dead but not going to come back.
    I don't know. I don't fucking know. How could I? Jesus.

    There's a bottle of gin looking at me. I don't want to drink. It's not my style.

    I
    can tell myself

    that
    she must be alive.
    Logically. Because we haven't found a body and we would've.

    When you have eliminated the impossible the possible, no matter how likely, is true.
    So what's possible?
    That she went another distance to do it. That she hitchhiked, and that could have ended with her killing herself elsewhere, or being kidnapped and hurt, or starting a new life somewhere.
    That's basically it. Jesus why would she do that? Go hitchhike off someplace and do it in a field, like in Fargo. Where they froze him and didn't find him for the whole movie.
    Get ate and took off by carrion birds and nobody ever finds her.
    Maybe she'd have enjoyed looking at the stars.

    Look: I know she was happy. That's what everyone says, she was happy that night. I know she was. I know if she went out she would've gone out smiling... but the thought is like that music from Seven Pounds, to me.

    It's beautiful but it has this wrong note to it. This element of wrong running through it.
    What an amazing movie that was.
    On the other hand. I guess if she died and was happy that that is nearly as good as anyone can be hoped for. Who am I to deny her that?
    Jesus I want her back so much. How could she... god.
    We used to have this cat. This grey cat. And Kellie rescued it from this house we almost lived in. Kellie always did stuff like that. And she named it The Totten. And would pet it and hold it.
    But it had Feline Leukemia. It got sicker and sicker. Its belly swole up with fluids, and it died. Kellie took it, one day while I was working, to the veterinarian to be put down. And she held it while it died. And she cried so much to me, oh god y'all.
    Why did she have to do that herself? Why did I go impassively to work? Why didn't I have the same love and sympathy for it that she did? Jesus what a monster!

    And
    I told her that she was an angel to that cat. That the cat had that disease before she ever met it. And that she was an angel to that cat, that she made it happy. That she made its last years happy, and purposeful. And it was going to die, but she was a mercy to it, gave it love and warmth instead of getting eaten by dogs on the streets.
    She always did that.

    It seems presumptuous and self-serving to say what I am about to say. Oh god. Hurts. It's just emotional but my face is like when I had the kidney stone. Why?

    We stumbled into this thing, this AmeriCorps thing, together. But we were together before, for five years. Five years together. We lived each other, we weren't just people living in the same house. 24/7. I don't exaggerate. She loved me so much.
    Terri told me Kellie had told her, &quot;He is all I need, he makes me happy.&quot;
    That day, the last time I saw her, she hugged my knee like that when I went into her room to kiss her. She looked up at me with that smile, god. I love her. So much!

    We stumbled into this thing together. And it made her happy. We got stressed, I acted like a dick. I looked at other women, like some kind of slut. Why did she always have the virtue?
    I had virtue. But they were my own. Masculine virtue, I guess. Strong, protecting, supporting. I always wanted to listen and help her and hold her but she kind of pulled away. I always wanted to be there for her.
    They tell me... that I wouldn't have that last memory of her, like I do- the one with her hugging me and smiling at me like that- if she didn't really love me.
    Did she know, then? That she was going to do this? She must have. Oh god what a fool, baby why didn't you tell me. I never would have let you go.
    I guess that's why.

    But I loved her so much. I made her feel sexy. I made her feel loved. I made her feel important. I made her feel respected.
    Sometimes I didn't, some days. Some days I was a shit. Just an ape. But that wasn't most days. And it was getting better every day.

    Jesus honey why? God? Granny? Why? Oh no.

    I know what the note said. I know why she said. But why. why.

    And why do I see this echo.

    Because I think... and I'm ashamed, and it seems presumptuous to even say this, such unimaginable hubris... did I do that for her? Like she did for the cat?
    Was she going to die? We got together right after her first suicide attempt. Was all this a lead-up?
    Like the cat went to her, knowing it was going to die, and her time with it was to make the cat happy, that mercy. Was this to make her happy? That mercy? Is my bereavement like Kellie's?
    Why do I have to suffer like this?

    My head is pounding and I can't breathe right. Oh Jesus. This is impossible This is so horrible. How can she be gone.

    Granddad said to dad, &quot;It's okay, son. It ain't bad.&quot;
    But Kellie ain't said that to me!

    Mummified somewhere, lips pulled back over teeth. Oh god..

    I'm making funny noises.

    What a beautiful movie it was. Saw it with her. Of course.

    Nobody understands. This isn't teenage angst. This shit is real. This is horrible.

    If she's alive... you know? I don't care. I don't care if I never see her again. People say they'll pray for me I say don't waste it on me pray for her. I want to beat myself and make every drop of blood be a tear she doesn't have to shed. I want to go to hell for her so she can go to heaven. Oh god I'm supposed to protect her I'm supposed to be here for you baby.
    I'm supposed to protect you oh god no. How could you be dead and rotting.

    Gone.

    If she's out there in space. Some cosmic journey I won't get til my heart stops too? Okay. And she comes to me or something between the stars? Okay.
    She would protect me.
    And if she's in heaven, okay.
    And if she's on earth, but somewhere, and happy? Okay. Even if she's got amnesia. Even if I never see her again. Let every bit of love I've ever given to her give her some measure of strength. Let the forgetting free her from the pain of her childhood.
    Child abuse.

    It's so beyond me I know. Like the feline leukemia. It was something that was beyond me, and that's something she always told me. That you can't love someone better.
    But I tried.

    I hope...
    you know wherever she is it's a new life. On earth or beyond. She can't be gone. Snuffed like a candle. A life of suffering, and then eternal oblivion? No. It's too hateful, senseless, cruel. The dinosaurs, two hundred million years and they're all snuffed, forgotten? What stupid hideous pointlessness!
    I'm not crying for myself! Dammit! They say that, that when you see death it's not their death you see but your own. But I'm not crying for myself! I'm crying for her! For the hideous fucking tragedy of it all, for every pointless waste, for every pointless tear.
    The man said the human condition is wonderful, terrible, and absurd.

    Every atheist argument I ever heard spat on the concept of the afterlife as this crutch, this weakness, this pathology. No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know.
    But...
    it can't be otherwise. It can't be. What's the point? Why a hundred billion galaxies? To die of heat death in twenty billion years?
    The other man said that it's a question of whether you were built by something smarter than you, or not.
    It is not hard to imagine something smarter than me.
    But I always think of things as forming from the bottom up.

    It can't be. I have logical arguments but they aren't the point. Is this what Faith is? To say to myself, &quot;It just fucking cannot be that dire and pointless and hollow. I choose to believe.&quot;
    To take Faith not from a place of happiness, but of anger?

    That's how I was in football. I wasn't very good, you know. I was very strong but I never understood the game. Too smart to listen. Had to out-think my coach, make my own decisions. I could knock over anybody and I couldn't be moved, and I worked hard and I was strong. They said, &quot;cover your hole,&quot; but I wouldn't, I would push the guy in front of me on his back then run past him. Then the guy with the ball would come by me like in the Matrix, heh, like I was in Jello and he wasn't. Man. It was fun, though.
    But the coach would get mad at me and I'd have to do things. Penalty drills, you know. I was real out of shape when I started, and I had never been physical before, lil fat dorky kid. But I got real strong, because I didn't quit.
    And the coach would be there yelling at me, &quot;Why don't you just quit?&quot;
    And I would do the drills because even though my body was too tired I wasn't going to quit.
    And he would say, &quot;Yeah, you like that? I can see, you're mad.&quot; I remember that. Looking up through the helmet's grill, blue sky fading to orange, coach's silhouette bouncing up and away. Trading sky for grass over and over again.
    I always had to get mad, to really move or change.

    If she's out there. If she's alive, somewhere. I don't care where. Fuck me, I failed her, I was supposed to protect her and I failed her! Do you understand that? Fuck me! To hell with me! To hell with my pain and suffering! I want to bleed for her to be happy. I want to go to hell, I want them to torture me, I want to suffer so she doesn't have to. Hooks and irons and fire. She needed me.

    Oh god I gave her what I had. I never understood how much I needed her.

    If she's out there, and happy. Then okay. Never come back to me if it makes you happy. Burn my memory, forget my name. Let me be blown to oblivion. But not you baby. You're too good, you're too pure.

    She would laugh to hear me call her pure. She thought having a goth phase when you grow up makes you corrupt. She was older and wiser and more experienced than me. William Blake says that innocence and experience are antithetical conditions.

    But if you saw the way she held that kitten, and smiled at me, you would understand.

    It is too horrible and hateful and corrupt, for her to die of pain. They all say she was smiling. She always said the last time she tried she was happy.

    And I wonder if all this, from the attempt five years ago to this one today... if this was a gift? To her? To me? A purpose? To make her happy, to give her love before she went.
    She never really knew how many people loved her. But I know some of it got through. Because sometimes she would smile.
    And her smile was so genuine. Not the practiced mask of a sorority girl or model or West End wife. It was warm, and golden, and blazed like the sun. I told her how when she smiled she lit up the world, I told her that, I did. It would make her shy, when I told her that.
    Take that with you, wherever you are. Know how your smile lights up the world.

    And she gave that little boy the toy dinosaurs. See this story?
    http://puf-almighty.livejournal.com/124888.html
    Read that link. Read that story. That's Kellie did that. Read that and know. Know what a modern-day hero looks like. And she was shy, she was embarrassed. She didn't tell it like it was a big deal. Fucking saint. Too good to share a planet with all these scumbags.

    Hell. Maybe the whole point of me being around was so that my dumb ass could keep her around long enough to do five more years of holy work.
    Maybe now after a life of unhappiness she's free. Like it says on that gravestone, &quot;Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty I'm free at last.&quot;

    Perhaps it is selfish of me.
    Fuck you bottle over there. Clear liquid that tastes like a doctor's office smells and makes me stupid. That's not how I cope. I won't drink when I'm sad and alone. Bad road.

    Perhaps it is selfish of me to want her back.
    I just want to know that I didn't fail. For years I held her and protected her. And now she's gone.
    I don't know where she is.

    Is it logical to think she's alive? Don't sugarcoat it to me. She hasn't talked to me in thirty eight days. We haven't found a body but we searched. These are the elements. There are other people saying things, like &quot;I've never encountered a suicide where they didn't find the body,&quot; and &quot;it's perfectly reasonable for her to be alive.&quot;
    But.
    There's that black hole. Suicide note and no ocntact.

    Jesus. You know all this guilt? I'm whipping myself. It's guilt for failing to protect her. I was supposed to save her. I was supposed to save her.

    Jesus. I'm taking the little pin-pricks of guilt, the small things, and I'm digging them in. Like the hooks the flagellants use. Because of the guilt I feel over failing her. I was supposed to protect her. She needed me.

    But they say she was happy.

    Fuck.

    I will never be thoughtless again. If I ever lose anyone again, I'll know without thinking, &quot;I treated them right&quot;. I think I treated Kellie right. But may I never doubt again. That's the change I see in myself. This budding mysticism is tangential. This exploding compassion is the big change.

    I'm making this entry public. And if those bastards want to find something in it that they can use to fire me, then may they burn in hell.

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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    [quote author=paranoia agent link=topic=19771.msg1294010#msg1294010 date=1243964222]
    new blog (sorry it's long)
    http://puf.deadjournal.com/

    hurts [02 Jun 2009|02:19am]
    [ music | http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R4lqeIQ0t8 ]

    Jesus man, why is this coming now. I haven't cried in weeks. I thought I was done.

    Just started thinking that maybe she's really gone.
    Some people say that. Most don't.

    I guess maybe I never really dealt with that possibility in the first place.


    I'm so lonely. Her room is there, right over there. Fifteen feet to the left of me. With all her stuff in it. It's quiet. She should be in there making noise.

    I categorize, I organize, mentally. I name things, genus and species. But I don't know what to call this.
    How to deal with this.

    We haven't found a body. Not in any place the police would have found.
    That song got me crying. The Best by the Foo Fighters. Is someone getting the best of you.

    We haven't found a body anywhere public and we haven't found one after searching all those woods, for miles.
    But what if it was just behind that tree, or under that bush.
    I think about her smile, decaying. God. God! Clothes rotting. Crows and maggots and fungus. Jesus. They said I didn't want to find her body, that I should stop searching. It probably would be worse.
    Mummified, now. Jesus.


    Mamady says he doesn't feel that she's in danger. Trey said he thinks she is dead or the police would have found her, if she was alive. I think Trey over-estimates their power. Mom says she thinks she is dead but not going to come back.
    I don't know. I don't fucking know. How could I? Jesus.

    There's a bottle of gin looking at me. I don't want to drink. It's not my style.

    I
    can tell myself

    that
    she must be alive.
    Logically. Because we haven't found a body and we would've.

    When you have eliminated the impossible the possible, no matter how likely, is true.
    So what's possible?
    That she went another distance to do it. That she hitchhiked, and that could have ended with her killing herself elsewhere, or being kidnapped and hurt, or starting a new life somewhere.
    That's basically it. Jesus why would she do that? Go hitchhike off someplace and do it in a field, like in Fargo. Where they froze him and didn't find him for the whole movie.
    Get ate and took off by carrion birds and nobody ever finds her.
    Maybe she'd have enjoyed looking at the stars.

    Look: I know she was happy. That's what everyone says, she was happy that night. I know she was. I know if she went out she would've gone out smiling... but the thought is like that music from Seven Pounds, to me.

    It's beautiful but it has this wrong note to it. This element of wrong running through it.
    What an amazing movie that was.
    On the other hand. I guess if she died and was happy that that is nearly as good as anyone can be hoped for. Who am I to deny her that?
    Jesus I want her back so much. How could she... god.
    We used to have this cat. This grey cat. And Kellie rescued it from this house we almost lived in. Kellie always did stuff like that. And she named it The Totten. And would pet it and hold it.
    But it had Feline Leukemia. It got sicker and sicker. Its belly swole up with fluids, and it died. Kellie took it, one day while I was working, to the veterinarian to be put down. And she held it while it died. And she cried so much to me, oh god y'all.
    Why did she have to do that herself? Why did I go impassively to work? Why didn't I have the same love and sympathy for it that she did? Jesus what a monster!

    And
    I told her that she was an angel to that cat. That the cat had that disease before she ever met it. And that she was an angel to that cat, that she made it happy. That she made its last years happy, and purposeful. And it was going to die, but she was a mercy to it, gave it love and warmth instead of getting eaten by dogs on the streets.
    She always did that.

    It seems presumptuous and self-serving to say what I am about to say. Oh god. Hurts. It's just emotional but my face is like when I had the kidney stone. Why?

    We stumbled into this thing, this AmeriCorps thing, together. But we were together before, for five years. Five years together. We lived each other, we weren't just people living in the same house. 24/7. I don't exaggerate. She loved me so much.
    Terri told me Kellie had told her, &quot;He is all I need, he makes me happy.&quot;
    That day, the last time I saw her, she hugged my knee like that when I went into her room to kiss her. She looked up at me with that smile, god. I love her. So much!

    We stumbled into this thing together. And it made her happy. We got stressed, I acted like a dick. I looked at other women, like some kind of slut. Why did she always have the virtue?
    I had virtue. But they were my own. Masculine virtue, I guess. Strong, protecting, supporting. I always wanted to listen and help her and hold her but she kind of pulled away. I always wanted to be there for her.
    They tell me... that I wouldn't have that last memory of her, like I do- the one with her hugging me and smiling at me like that- if she didn't really love me.
    Did she know, then? That she was going to do this? She must have. Oh god what a fool, baby why didn't you tell me. I never would have let you go.
    I guess that's why.

    But I loved her so much. I made her feel sexy. I made her feel loved. I made her feel important. I made her feel respected.
    Sometimes I didn't, some days. Some days I was a shit. Just an ape. But that wasn't most days. And it was getting better every day.

    Jesus honey why? God? Granny? Why? Oh no.

    I know what the note said. I know why she said. But why. why.

    And why do I see this echo.

    Because I think... and I'm ashamed, and it seems presumptuous to even say this, such unimaginable hubris... did I do that for her? Like she did for the cat?
    Was she going to die? We got together right after her first suicide attempt. Was all this a lead-up?
    Like the cat went to her, knowing it was going to die, and her time with it was to make the cat happy, that mercy. Was this to make her happy? That mercy? Is my bereavement like Kellie's?
    Why do I have to suffer like this?

    My head is pounding and I can't breathe right. Oh Jesus. This is impossible This is so horrible. How can she be gone.

    Granddad said to dad, &quot;It's okay, son. It ain't bad.&quot;
    But Kellie ain't said that to me!

    Mummified somewhere, lips pulled back over teeth. Oh god..

    I'm making funny noises

    What a beautiful movie it was. Saw it with her. Of course.

    Nobody understands. This isn't teenage angst. This shit is real. This is horrible.

    If she's alive... you know? I don't care. I don't care if I never see her again. People say they'll pray for me I say don't waste it on me pray for her. I want to beat myself and make every drop of blood be a tear she doesn't have to shed. I want to go to hell for her so she can go to heaven. Oh god I'm supposed to protect her I'm supposed to be here for you baby.
    I'm supposed to protect you oh god no. How could you be dead and rotting.


    Gone.

    If she's out there in space. Some cosmic journey I won't get til my heart stops too? Okay. And she comes to me or something between the stars? Okay.
    She would protect me.
    And if she's in heaven, okay.
    And if she's on earth, but somewhere, and happy? Okay. Even if she's got amnesia. Even if I never see her again. Let every bit of love I've ever given to her give her some measure of strength. Let the forgetting free her from the pain of her childhood.
    Child abuse.

    It's so beyond me I know. Like the feline leukemia. It was something that was beyond me, and that's something she always told me. That you can't love someone better.
    But I tried.

    I hope...
    you know wherever she is it's a new life. On earth or beyond. She can't be gone. Snuffed like a candle. A life of suffering, and then eternal oblivion? No. It's too hateful, senseless, cruel. The dinosaurs, two hundred million years and they're all snuffed, forgotten? What stupid hideous pointlessness!
    I'm not crying for myself! Dammit! They say that, that when you see death it's not their death you see but your own. But I'm not crying for myself! I'm crying for her! For the hideous fucking tragedy of it all, for every pointless waste, for every pointless tear.
    The man said the human condition is wonderful, terrible, and absurd.

    Every atheist argument I ever heard spat on the concept of the afterlife as this crutch, this weakness, this pathology. No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know.
    But...
    it can't be otherwise. It can't be. What's the point? Why a hundred billion galaxies? To die of heat death in twenty billion years?
    The other man said that it's a question of whether you were built by something smarter than you, or not.
    It is not hard to imagine something smarter than me.
    But I always think of things as forming from the bottom up.

    It can't be. I have logical arguments but they aren't the point. Is this what Faith is? To say to myself, &quot;It just fucking cannot be that dire and pointless and hollow. I choose to believe.&quot;
    To take Faith not from a place of happiness, but of anger?

    That's how I was in football. I wasn't very good, you know. I was very strong but I never understood the game. Too smart to listen. Had to out-think my coach, make my own decisions. I could knock over anybody and I couldn't be moved, and I worked hard and I was strong. They said, &quot;cover your hole,&quot; but I wouldn't, I would push the guy in front of me on his back then run past him. Then the guy with the ball would come by me like in the Matrix, heh, like I was in Jello and he wasn't. Man. It was fun, though.
    But the coach would get mad at me and I'd have to do things. Penalty drills, you know. I was real out of shape when I started, and I had never been physical before, lil fat dorky kid. But I got real strong, because I didn't quit.
    And the coach would be there yelling at me, &quot;Why don't you just quit?&quot;
    And I would do the drills because even though my body was too tired I wasn't going to quit.
    And he would say, &quot;Yeah, you like that? I can see, you're mad.&quot; I remember that. Looking up through the helmet's grill, blue sky fading to orange, coach's silhouette bouncing up and away. Trading sky for grass over and over again.
    I always had to get mad, to really move or change.

    If she's out there. If she's alive, somewhere. I don't care where. Fuck me, I failed her, I was supposed to protect her and I failed her! Do you understand that? Fuck me! To hell with me! To hell with my pain and suffering! I want to bleed for her to be happy. I want to go to hell, I want them to torture me, I want to suffer so she doesn't have to. Hooks and irons and fire. She needed me.

    Oh god I gave her what I had. I never understood how much I needed her.

    If she's out there, and happy. Then okay. Never come back to me if it makes you happy. Burn my memory, forget my name. Let me be blown to oblivion. But not you baby. You're too good, you're too pure.

    She would laugh to hear me call her pure. She thought having a goth phase when you grow up makes you corrupt. She was older and wiser and more experienced than me. William Blake says that innocence and experience are antithetical conditions.

    But if you saw the way she held that kitten, and smiled at me, you would understand.

    It is too horrible and hateful and corrupt, for her to die of pain. They all say she was smiling. She always said the last time she tried she was happy.

    And I wonder if all this, from the attempt five years ago to this one today... if this was a gift? To her? To me? A purpose? To make her happy, to give her love before she went.
    She never really knew how many people loved her. But I know some of it got through. Because sometimes she would smile.
    And her smile was so genuine. Not the practiced mask of a sorority girl or model or West End wife. It was warm, and golden, and blazed like the sun. I told her how when she smiled she lit up the world, I told her that, I did. It would make her shy, when I told her that.
    Take that with you, wherever you are. Know how your smile lights up the world.

    And she gave that little boy the toy dinosaurs. See this story?
    http://puf-almighty.livejournal.com/124888.html
    Read that link. Read that story. That's Kellie did that. Read that and know. Know what a modern-day hero looks like. And she was shy, she was embarrassed. She didn't tell it like it was a big deal. Fucking saint. Too good to share a planet with all these scumbags.

    Hell. Maybe the whole point of me being around was so that my dumb ass could keep her around long enough to do five more years of holy work.
    Maybe now after a life of unhappiness she's free. Like it says on that gravestone, &quot;Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty I'm free at last.&quot;

    Perhaps it is selfish of me.
    Fuck you bottle over there. Clear liquid that tastes like a doctor's office smells and makes me stupid. That's not how I cope. I won't drink when I'm sad and alone. Bad road.

    Perhaps it is selfish of me to want her back.
    I just want to know that I didn't fail. For years I held her and protected her. And now she's gone.
    I don't know where she is.

    Is it logical to think she's alive? Don't sugarcoat it to me. She hasn't talked to me in thirty eight days. We haven't found a body but we searched. These are the elements. There are other people saying things, like &quot;I've never encountered a suicide where they didn't find the body,&quot; and &quot;it's perfectly reasonable for her to be alive.&quot;
    But.
    There's that black hole. Suicide note and no ocntact.

    Jesus. You know all this guilt? I'm whipping myself. It's guilt for failing to protect her. I was supposed to save her. I was supposed to save her.

    Jesus. I'm taking the little pin-pricks of guilt, the small things, and I'm digging them in. Like the hooks the flagellants use. Because of the guilt I feel over failing her. I was supposed to protect her. She needed me.

    But they say she was happy.

    Fuck.

    I will never be thoughtless again. If I ever lose anyone again, I'll know without thinking, &quot;I treated them right&quot;. I think I treated Kellie right. But may I never doubt again. That's the change I see in myself. This budding mysticism is tangential. This exploding compassion is the big change.

    I'm making this entry public. And if those bastards want to find something in it that they can use to fire me, then may they burn in hell.
    [/quote]

    The things in bold scream at me.

    He says he didn't deal with the possibility that she might be dead.&nbsp; This is obviously a lie.&nbsp; He has thought about her being dead a lot... he thought about her body lying out there somewhere and all the decay, he thought about if she traveled somewhere else to die.&nbsp; He says one thing and then contradicts himself constantly.

    If I were in his shoes and people were looking at me and wondering if I murdered someone the last thing I would do is have an attitude of &quot;fuck them.&quot;&nbsp; I would want to jump up and down and prove my innocence.&nbsp;

    Is he spending time passing out fliers with her name and photo?&nbsp; Is he calling the local television stations and newspapers to keep her name in the news?&nbsp; Is he begging for anyone to come forward with information as to her whereabouts?&nbsp; Is he working on a website for people to gather information on her?

    No.

    The only thing he is doing is writing on a blog.

    Again, I hope I am wrong.&nbsp; I would LOVE to be wrong.

  20. #20
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    dude reads like a psychotic.

  21. #21
    slug life paranoia agent's Avatar
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    [quote author=winters_footsteps link=topic=19771.msg1294105#msg1294105 date=1243968380]
    The things in bold scream at me.

    He says he didn't deal with the possibility that she might be dead.&nbsp; This is obviously a lie.&nbsp; He has thought about her being dead a lot... he thought about her body lying out there somewhere and all the decay, he thought about if she traveled somewhere else to die.&nbsp; He says one thing and then contradicts himself constantly.

    If I were in his shoes and people were looking at me and wondering if I murdered someone the last thing I would do is have an attitude of &quot;fuck them.&quot;&nbsp; I would want to jump up and down and prove my innocence.&nbsp;

    Is he spending time passing out fliers with her name and photo?&nbsp; Is he calling the local television stations and newspapers to keep her name in the news?&nbsp; Is he begging for anyone to come forward with information as to her whereabouts?&nbsp; Is he working on a website for people to gather information on her?

    No.

    The only thing he is doing is writing on a blog.

    Again, I hope I am wrong.&nbsp; I would LOVE to be wrong.
    [/quote]

    he is all over the place, and almost unconsciously confessing to something, when i write blogs i tend to write similar to him, but more in a poem form, but i know that some lines i write are actually true ideas and such, but written in a riddle-like manner...lol that was a riddle in of itself

  22. #22
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    I agree with Winters.&nbsp; Those same things screamed at me too. He was talking about finding a will in her car.&nbsp; So, what good would a will do him unless she was dead.&nbsp; He's a psycho, plain &amp; simple.
    American Witch, Crazy Bitch<br /><br />

  23. #23
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks this...

    I am usually pretty good at reading people, but it's hard to get a grasp on the picture if all you have is words.&nbsp;

    He seems very focused on the pain that HE is in.&nbsp; HE failed her.&nbsp; HE should go to hell so she can go to heaven.&nbsp; Are these words of someone who thinks she might be alive somewhere?&nbsp; Nope.&nbsp; These are words of a person who is convinced that she is dead and he is to blame.

    I have mentioned it before, but the blogs don't seem sincere to me.&nbsp; It seems like he is putting on an act, and it's not working.&nbsp; He's a bad actor IMO.

  24. #24
    Senior Member jnicole's Avatar
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    Girlfriends Missing 101 for Dummies:&nbsp; Don't post public blogs describing her decaying body in a place police have not looked, it just makes you look suspicious.&nbsp;

  25. #25
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    Re: Kellie 'Wednesday' Hall - missing since April 25 09

    [quote author=jnicole link=topic=19771.msg1294394#msg1294394 date=1243985167]
    Girlfriends Missing 101 for Dummies:&nbsp; Don't post public blogs describing her decaying body in a place police have not looked, it just makes you look suspicious.&nbsp;

    [/quote]

    :lol: :lol:

    So true!

    What is he thinking??

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