The suicide note of Jason Casto Sr.:

To All my Family and Friends
Current mood: calm

I have decided that since I am going to do what you all know has already happened, I need to type this. I need to let the people who matter to me, know why I decided that it was time to do what I did. ( I have typed this over many days or even weeks. I have decided not to edit it in any way so that all can see my thought processes as it goes along. You can also see how things went better and then worse several times. Mostly with Nikki, as you read, make sure you read bottom as its directed just for her.)



I have for a while now, years, been thinking that things are done in this life. Anyone who cares about me would have read my blog. I was here for a reason, I don't know what that reason was, I just know its done. Whatever it was, I did it and the only thing I have left to do is die. I think when a person no longer fears death, is when they know they are done and can leave anytime they want. I have not feared death, expect for how the people I leave behind will be taken care of. So over the last couple of years I have put things into place that will take care of them. Like my kids, since they are really the only ones that matter when it comes to who I need to take care of. They have a great mother, and she married a great man who will take care of my kids like they were his own. I could never ask for a better step father for my kids. So in this letter, I will address several people by name and leave it at that. You might know who they are and you might not. It doesn't matter and at this point I don't care. Feel free to talk to anyone in the email cause you are all my friends and should remember me. I am tired, tired of hurting, tired of being sad, just plain tired. Life is hard yes, but a person can only deal with life so long before you give into what will ACTUALLY happen to all of us, death! So I have typed this in hopes of talking myself out of it, but in case I am unable to, in case I lose complete hope and desire and everything for life, at least I said my peace. So here goes.



Anna - I know this is going to be one of the hardest things for me to say, but I do love you. I am so glad that you are the mother of our kids. I know we had some serious issues and problems. We worked through most of them and remained friends even after the divorce. You were so wonderful to me, and well I messed it all up. So please remember all the good times we had. When you look into the eyes of JJ and Rebekkah, see the love I had for you when we made them. See the love I have for you now. I know you never believed it, or anything like that but it is very true. I know that they will be well taken care of and you will do your very best to raise them right. So when they ask about me, please tell me only good things. Let my son know how much it would have meant to me if he went into the military. Let my little girl know how much I want her to stay independent and get her own education and career before she gives herself to a man in marriage. Let JJ know how much my family name means to me, and to my side of the family, and make sure they both have a great future and don't make the same mistakes that we made. There is so much I want to impart in the kids, but I have missed my chance to do just that because I am not there with them.



Amber Carr - Girl we dated for a while, but I just couldn't see myself with you for long term. I knew there was something holding me back and turns out I was right. It was your love for Chris. I know you have been having serious issues with him. but eventually things will work out. It may not be like you want, but they will work out. You have a little girl and she needs her mommy. So just do the best you can to raise her right, and do it without him if he so chooses. Never let what has happened to me, happen to you. Just keep your head up, think about her. Never let the love to Chris push you to the point that I am at.



Amanda - girl I know your in ....Reno...., but you have been there for me since my divorce started, I would have never made it this far without your support. You been there late at nite when I needed a voice to listen to me, someone to offer advice, for it all. I have lived through you, with all the fun that you have had in your life, its made mine just a little more bareable. I wish things were different and I could have seen you one more time before, but alas I couldn't find a way to make it happen. Please remember I have always cared about you, and you were someone very special to me. I know one day soon you will find a guy who will make you a very happy woman and you will get everything that you want in life. Don't let life get to you like it has gotten to me. You have so much more to live for than I ever have. You have such a beautiful soul, and you will do just fine in this world. Please don't follow me down the road of depression and whatnot. You can make it, I am sorry that I couldn't have been there for you. Smile and make everyone around you happy. That's something your great at. I do love you so much! Don't ever give up on the movie we were going to make, I think you would make a great star!



Amanda Hale - Ok girl we didn't know each other much, but you made what little time we did have fun. I loved hearing your stories, partying with you the few times we did, and that one night was just. wonderfull! I know you will make it, just keep your head up and keep pushing. You have a long future ahead of you!! Remember boob fries, give those two a call sometime when your in town and have a few for me.



Angie - You are the other person who was there from the start of my divorce and just was one reason I made it thru that being as sane as possible. I thank you for that, when we found each other again after a short time of not talking, I saw you a few times and you have such wonderfull kids. They will be great adults, cause they have such a great mom. I know you found a man that just makes your life wonderful, and I am thank full for that. I know you have been there for me recently with all my problems with Nikki, but no matter how much anyone tried It was just to much for me. So I want you to know, thank you for trying, I couldn't have ask for anymore!



Brandie Eck- girl we have had a lot of laughs. You have been a great friend since high school I know that you and I kinda drifted apart here recently, but anytime I needed someone to make me smile and make me feel better even for a few mins, you were one of the few who could do it! Thank you for being there for me, when I needed to cry or laugh. Thanks for everything. I hope those boys grow up to be wonderful men, and make you so proud.



....Berry.... - I know that you have had things hard in recent years, but you raised such a wonderfull little girl. You did a great job and despite the fact that I didn't know you as well, you always made my time with you fun. I hope you have a happy future and things go great for you!!



Brandee - I know I could never devote myself to you cause of the distance, but if I wasn't so shallow you would have been just the type I wanted to spend my life with. We had so much in common, I know it would have been a wonderfull life. I just couldn't wrap my head around being with you, for some stupid reason. I am sorry, but I know that your life will be great, and that little girl will have such a great up bringing cause you are her mommy!!



Cassandra - ok you, only known you a VERY SHORT TIME!! You helped me with a lot of my issues with nikki, but in the end, I just couldn't take it anymore. You tried so hard and I know that you wont miss me much cause you were not as attached to me as I was you. I had hoped for something more, but your issues that you refused to get past made it impossiable. One day you will get past them, and make a man such a perfact wife. Good luck and I know you're a great mom so your son and anymore kids will be just fine! Thanks for everything you did for me and tried to do for me.



Daniella - ok girl, I knew we had ins and outs but you are still there. I am sorry I couldn't be what you needed, and we couldn't make things go further than they did. My little girl loved you, and I know you would have been great for their future. One day things will work out for you and you will have your own family. I hope that happens sooner than later for you. Just never give up hope.



Deanna - I know that you think matt destroyed your life, and that you lost your chance for your fairytale future, but your wrong, your still young and you have plenty of time for all that. Just keep out there and figure out what you want out of life. Have your party time, but remember your clock is still ticking, just cause your party life started late doesn't mean its not ticking. So find the guy you want, keep him and only him, don't let the excitement of the chace get to you, and stay faithfull. That's only real thing anyone can offer a mate is that trust and joy in knowing that you are ONLY THIERS!



Ilauriya - wow where to start with you? There is so much to say, and so little time to type. You have been the friend that everyone needs. Someone to smack you when you are being stupid, someone whos not afraid to tell you how it is, even if it hurts your feelings. I have used your services more than I would like to admit in that aspect. I am glad you were there to straighten me out a few times, I wish that things were a little different and you knew how I was feeling and what I was planning on doing. You might have been one of the few people who could have stopped me. No one really knew, it was my deep secret and so because of that, don't feel bad, just remember I love you for all you did and all your tried to do. You were the only one who was able to make it to court with me. I needed that, even though it didn't stop me from being stupid.



Janna - I think in another time, we might have made a good couple. You sware up and down things went a way in high school but they didn't. I ask you to prom, you stopped talking to me and stopped being around me. I don't know why, I just know that you did, so I turned to your best friend for advice. Well turns out, she was much more willing to be around me and since she couldn't figure you out and I didn't want to go alone, I ask you. Then we started dateing and it all happened. That's the truth, that's actually what happened. Belive it or not. If you wouldn't have treated me like you did, I would have taken you and life might have been different for us both. You haven't really been a good friend, I don't know that's going on with you recently, but you have changed for some reason. I hope that one day you finally find peace with yourself and that you settle down and have the life I know you want. (I am sorry about your mother, but shes no longer in pain, and you will be ok! Good luck with life now!)



Jennifer Pyatt - Ok girl, I don't want to hurt you and I know your dealing with a huge problem with your brain right now. I am sorry that you fell for me all those years ago and I didn't return the feelings. I just never had the chance to find those feelings. I am sorry that we didn't have much time with each other, but soon enough you will find a great man who will love you and your little girls. You will find the happiness that you so deserve. Never forget I am glad you were my friend and that you tried all the things that you tired to do for me!



Robert Jones - WoW you are, were, and always will be my very best friend. One of the only people in the world I actually would trust with my life, and the life of my kids. You have been there for me no matter what, you have always had an ear when I need one. Untill you left okc, there was never a time I wasn't welcome at your home, and still am if I make the drive! I am not sure where my life would be right now if it wasn't for you being here. I could never ask for a better person to be my friend. You're a great father, and a wonderful husband (thanks to me!) I hope that things work out for you, with your kids, your back, and all that!!



Sara - girl, all I can say to you is party! I have not know you long, but what I have known was fun. You tried so hard to find yourself, and help me find myself. I know that soon everything will work out for you, just keep living your life and you will see!



Shane - screech, buddy. I know that you are in ....cali...., and that we really have not been all that close. However I am glad that you are doing well. You and your wife (your welcome!) have a long future, just keep your head up and keep trying. Thanks for being there for me when I needed you.



Shannon Dixon(smith) - No idea what your name is these days lol. You and your army of children you have. I am glad that your back in ....Oklahoma...., that you found a guy who is great for you. I am glad that your getting life back in order. Thank you for always giving me an ear, or texts or whatever whenever I needed it. You have been such a great friend!



Shannon Jones - ok where to start with you? One day you are the nicest woman I know, the next you're the type of woman who will smack the crap out of a guy for being stupid. I never know who you are until I tell you whats going on. You have been a good woman, and a great wife to my best friend. You have kept him going even when it's the hardest thing he has ever done, dealing with his kids. I thank you for being the support that I need, for making me smile when I needed one. I love you to death, and hope that you have a long wonderful life with the man I helped you find again!



Trisha Bowen - Girl you have been a lot of fun. You have helped me pass a lot of time, and made a lot of loneliness go away. You were also there when I needed someone to talk to about women or whatever. Here recently we have kinda drifted apart. I think it is cause of your man, but that's ok. I am sorry if I hurt you when I couldn't force feelings and then they just came so easily with Nikki. Well good luck with all you do, and Katie is lucky to have a mom like you!



Well that brings me down to all the guys who didn't get addressed directly in this message. I guess they weren't special enough in my life to be included. But then again it did take a lot to get in here.



Now to family, I had a great family. But here are a few people who just need to know how much they meant.

Dad, you were great, you did the very best that you could. I have no issues with anything that you did. I never had a complaint one. I thank you for everything you did, and just know that I did pass on some of the things you taught me onto my kids. Please don't ever let them forget who you are, be in their life as much as possible.

John, you have always tried to make life a little better, and at times you did. You shared a place with me for over 2 years, and never really had a huge issue with it. I guess it worked for us both most of the time. Well now you have it all to yourself, and don't think it's a bad thing, because I was going to leave soon anyway. I know that your son will grow up right because you're his father.

Ricky, you have been a pain in my ass for so many years, but you did your best to be there when needed. Good luck with all that you and your family will do in life. I am glad that you came off the road to raise your kids right.

Les, well we never really knew each other much. You spent most of my life in jail, but its ok, what little time we did have, was cool.



What's sad is I didn't write much for my family as I did for friends, but I think about it like this, family was always there and knew how much I appreciated them. Friends come and go and well sometimes were more special. I love my family, and am glad they were there, but I have always kept my distance, not really sure why. Anyone who has known me for more than a month or so knows I am a hermit crab. SO its only fitting that I end things like this.



Some say that this is selfish, but I think it is a fitting end to all the crap. I believe that I have finished what I was here for. SO I feel that I am welcome to leave. I want you all to know, that this at first was cause of Nikki, but now its more about I am just tired of living this stupid life. Since its my life, I can end it if I want. I have taken steps to make sure that everything I can think of is taken care of. Mostly my kids, they are well taken care of and now will be better off. Yes they will miss me, but they have someone to fill the void.



I hope you all understand why I am decideing to do this and just be happy that I ended all my pain (yes I live in pain daily!) and that I am at peace with it. It was my choice and I am glad I am doing it!







Nikki - WOW where to start?



Before I really get started, there are some things that you should know. Since its far to late to change anything other than your opinion of me. I am Tom, I am the guy you were talking to who was trying to get you to do the right thing. I am also Mike, you didn't talk to him much, but how do you think he knew so much about you. I know I said I never lied to you, but any lies that I told you were only to help things between us. Like the matt thing, wasn't a lie that he did it, was a lie that you didn't need to know. One day he will show you exactally what you need to see about him. He has already started and well you still don't care and are living with him right now. You dad told me he didn't care, but what sucks is if he had told you that a few weeks ago, things would be WAY WAY different. You might not be at Matts and you might have been with the one you said you wanted. It doesn't matter, I am not here anymore, so you have a nice life. I hope that knowing how your dad truly felt and how much it could have made things different doesn't cause issues with you and your parents. I did love you Nikki, I now see that the reason things didn't work were mostly cause of your parents and your inability to stand up for yourself. I hope that you can live with knowing what little it would have taken to change things. Now back to the real letter, cause this part was written less than an hour before I did what I did!



I have tried to move on, tried to find a reason to want to keep going. Nikki you took that away, you don't understand you were my last hope for happiness. I know that I fucked up and did things that I shouldn't have. But when we did talk on the phone you admitted to me that you did as well. You said you wanted to drop it and REFUSED TO. All I needed was a few fucking hours of your time. Your so shallow that you couldn't give that, now you have to live with knowing that those few hours could have saved a life, and now its to late and the guy you said you cared about is dead. You will know when it happens, I think I am going to make sure that you know about it, cause its your fault. You got a VPO for BULLSHIT, and you know it. Your father made threats on my life and I as any other man made stupid threats back, you never held it against him, ONLY ME. You got a vpo for no reason other than a judge that didn't like the age thing. I left you the fuck alone after you told me to. A few tiny minor things but your fucking parents kept it going, making threats and calling me. You never cared about what they did that. I hope that your happy knowing that all of this could have went away for just a few hours of your time.



Your promised me a week, you told me that it would be a week, you didn't last 12 hours before you got a boyfriend. You lied to me again, you hurt me again. I am done, I would write much more, but I don't need to. You know what's going to happen, you know why, you know everything!



I really thought things would be different for us. I left the rest of the stuff up there, cause it shows how things changed for us in a few weeks. You did drop the VPO. You were even professing your love for me, many times you told me you loved me. You never really ask for anything from me, just was there. I tried to play the just dating guy, but you lied a lot, you broke your promises many many times. Yet I was still there, cause even after everything, I still loved you. Now things have changed yet again, your moving in with Matt, and you say its your own room, yet you have spent last two nights with him, and have gotten back with him just not told everyone. Kinda like last time, its just not official. You broke your promise to me about not being with anyone else cause you only wanted me. I thought we had something, something big and something special. Looks like that was all a lie.



I had given you many shots to stop me, given you so many chances to change things and let me be happy. I figured that you would at least see that I wanted to just be happy and move on. All I ask you was to give me a few hours, all you did was fight with me. You never saw this from my side, but its ok. I am torn between doing this where you will see it, or just hiding it so you are not hurt by it more than knowing I did it. Also torn between weither or not to destroy your life much as you have mine. I will most likely not decide till its that time. I hope you can live with my choice, because it will be based on your choice. I just hope that you can forgive me and see that this was not easy to do.



For all of those who read this, and want to know WHY I am doing it, its cause Nikki took everything from me, she destroyed me. I have debated on weither or not to tell people who did it, why, and all that, but I will just leave her contact info on here and if you care to ask her you can. I hope she is happy with her choices, and can live knowing that she could have stopped it all, with just faith and a little time.



Goodbye to everyone, I did love you all in one way or another. Thanks for trying to be there for me.



Nikki's myspace

www.myspace.com/cxpcxke

http://www.myspace.com/provocative_stranger

Nikki's Cell

405 882 3725 - this is turned off, but its last number I have for her other than house number.

405 741 0896

212 W. Jacobs dr.

....Midwest City...., ok 73110

Nikki's email

Brds1990@aol.com

nikkinarcissistic@yahoo.com

If you have to know, just ask her. Maybe she will tell you cause she did nothing but lie to me so I don't know.

Thanks

Jason Casto Sr.