Anna''s Last Entry on TeenHelp I say I''m better but I think I''m just getting calmer about it. when I was younger and suicidal I''d always be hysterical. I just hurt so much i had to die at that very moment. now... hey, I''m suicidal now. whatever. I was suicidal last night, too. and then a couple times last week. I know I''m not going to do anything tonight. I''ll just go to bed and probably in a couple days things will seem a bit better.

but in a week? in a month? a year?

i just keep being more and more sure it''s the right decision.

i don''t even know what it''s like to be happy. like a normal person. do normal people feel this way? what do normal people feel like? do they want to live, every single day? do they LIKE living, all the time? i''ve felt moments of happyness. they were... nice. do normal people feel happy like that all the time?

mostly i deal now by not thinking about things and not talking about things.

the main reason i''m suicidal i guess is because aside from my family, who is obligated to love me, and people online, who claim to love me (do they? perhaps my online persona is different from my offline persona. or perhaps it''s easy to say something like that online, especially when you feel really sorry for someone. it''s just words), there is no one in the world who does. I''m not talking relationship-love. i''m talking friendship-love. just being friends. like, ranting to each other about how your day went or something. like randomly hanging out together. someone you can hug if you need a hug.

i don''t have any of those. it feels kind of weird. i watch people a lot. friends. my roommates have a lot of friends (i''m invisible apparently, except when i do something wrong) and... i don''t know how they do it. i don''t know what i''m doing wrong. i do try and hang around people. i know a lot of people by face and i say hi to them. i try to be friendly and nice to everyone. it''s not like i don''t have any friends because i don''t meet anyone. we just never move past the acquaintence stage.

so i''m pretty sure it''s me. that there''s something just wrong about me. that i''m doing something wrong. fucking up. and i''m sick of trying. i really, really am tired of it. it''s been almost ten years. i don''t know what it is to be happy. i don''t know what it is to be able to trust people, to know that they''re there because they want to talk to me, becaues they like me for me, that they really do care about me. i don''t know what it''s like to have friends.

how much longer do i have to wait? i''ve gone through therapy. i''m in the process of finding one even though i don''t want to, i don''t want to talk about this, i always cry when i start thinking about it. i''ve been on anti-depressants for years. i''ve studied psychology. written papers on this sort of shit. i''ve done everything in the self-help books. i could write the fucking self-help books. i can counsel anyone but myself. and when i think about myself, and about my future, and about suicide... it seems logical. rational. i think about it very calmly. not with any particular urgency. i''m suicidal now but i''ve waited so long, i''ve struggled so long, i don''t mind waiting till tomorrow, next week, next month.

and this scares me. that i think about it so calmly. because i think one day i will very quietly kill myself, without telling anyone. and everyone will be very surprised, because i''m in college, i''m doing all sorts of exciting things like interviewing people on the streets and volunteering in Cambodia and taking wonderful classes in art and writing and psychology, and i always smile, i always seem fine. i''m very logical. very rational. i make judgements based on solid facts. i''m fairly optimistic about the state of the world. i''m not your typical suicidal person. i think i''m the type of suicidal person who ends up suddenly and very fatally committing suicide. the type who succeeds because she knows she wants to die, she doesn''t secretly want someone to save her, she doesn''t want to toss her fate to the winds. she has thought about it rationally and logically and decided to die.

i don''t know what i''m looking for. i pretty much know what responses i''m going to get. they will be sympathetic, kind, probably extremely helpful to other depressed members, and totally useless to me. i''ve heard it all. i''m usually the one saying it.

i guess i''m looking for the magic words to save me? there has to be something i haven''t heard yet. there has to be something that can help me. maybe.

also i really want to know how long i have to wait. almost ten years depressed, almost six suicidal. at one point can i give up? someone with terminal cancer might give up treatment after six years of being in horrific pain, even though they know it will kill them, and people will be okay with that. so when can i?